Dual Lives, Transitioning Part-time

[Guest ricka]

I've read comments to this effect on other threads but wanted to open the subject as a topic for discussion. Many of us are unable for career/economic reasons and family situations to live full-time as women. It seems like some of us adjust to the duality of our existence easier than others.

This is my situation: I am a professional woman (who is widely known as a male in my field long before I ever considered the idea of living my life as a woman.) Some things are telling about me even when I am en homme. I have naturally large female breasts which I do not try to disguise and I am somewhat effeminate---neither of which has been a problem for me in my career. When I go home I can't wait to get out of my male attire and dress as the woman that I am.

Laura's Playground has been a God send in my life in terms of understanding, acceptance, support and validation. I am seeing a diversity in our individual paths, but an over-arching sense of sisterhood. Right now I am looking to build a circle of supportive, understanding people in my life----not real easy in a rural area, but do-able. I have recently met a friend and he has given me the courage to reach out to others.

I am still very much on a journey of self-discovery. Long forgotten child-hood memories that seem to be coming up remind me that I am on a path that as a child was natural for me from my earliest years, and which was side tracked for several decades. A friend recently pointed out to me that I am a straight woman, not a gay male, which validated my own observations about myself. I have also discovered how much more self-confident I am with a man when I am en femme and being who I am. I have long known that I was hardwired romantically and sexually as a straight woman. A close friend asked me how I feel when I am around men and it got me to thinking that for as long as I can remember in the company of males I felt female and that I was not "one of them."

Having fully developed female breasts has a huge impact on my sense of myself as a woman. I have often imagined that I would like to have a real vagina. Fact is my breasts are "estrogen factories" which have resulted in a natural genital atrophy over time and i do feel more and more like a woman in my pubic area. I don't see HRT or SRS in the cards for me, at least at this time, for a number of reasons, but I don't feel any less female without it either. So perhaps in a sense I am comfortable being trans-gendered, even putting up with some of the inconveniences like having to shave. I have worn a wig long enough that it feels more natural than not wearing one and looking in the mirror I feel "myself" more than I ever did before.

Well girls, enough rambling. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.... Hope to have a photo to put up soon so you can see a face with my name.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest N. Jane]

I lived a double life through my teens in the 1960's. There was no way to legally transition and no (legal) medical help. My mother was deathly opposed and held full legal control over me until I was 18 (when I promptly started hormones).

I grew up in a small town, less than 1000 people, and the first 8 years of my life I thought I was just an ordinary girl and I guess every adult in town knew I was "different" - not Gay but definitely not a normal guy. By my early teens I was in open rebellion at home but I had to be very careful not to push it too far for fear I would be committed to an asylum - in those days they figured it was a mental illness, that you were delusional. The only respite I could find was to run off to the big city and live MY life for as long as I could stay away. That was the only thing that kept me alive for years because there nobody knew me as anything other than a normal girl. Slowly my "city persona" began to show up in my home town where I could be either/or but it was never as free as being in the city and living a normal life.

As my teens gave way to my 20's and the life I wanted so much was slipping away I fell into deep depression before Dr. Biber rescued me and set me free.

I would not have made it to age 16 if I had not been able to live at least part of my life, part of my teens, in harmony with myself.

[Guest angie]

I was such a gender confused teen,

Liking girls but wanting to be one at the same time.And why to the world at large,

I looked like an average manly man.But in the sanctity of my home,when no one

was around,I got to be myself for short periods at a time.I could not explain to anyone,

least of all my wife,why I felt like a woman inside,when the outside said all man.

I always knew I was interested in men,in a womanly way.But being with another man

as my old self just didn't jive.

So Ricka,that you can't transition and start HRT.Makes you no less a woman than

any other woman in the Playground.As long as you are happy being yourself,and find

comfort as a female name Ricka,that is all that counts in my books my sweet sister.

Hugs,

Angie

[Guest Kayliegh]

Ricka -

We are all in a different state of “flux” – like Angie mentioned in her post, we all have different ways of dealing with our true selves, whether it be part-time or full-time, I truly believe that once I can shed the outer self, I’ll be a much better person both spiritually and externally – I’ll be better off with me and those folks in my life!

Do what you’re comfortable doing; live the way you want to live – God knows that we have to be truly happy with both our “skin” and our minds, and were ever you fall in the spectrum, as long as you’re content, what does it matter!

Hugs - Kayleigh

[Guest ricka]

Thanks and a big hug for your words of encouragement, all of you. You know I was noticing something earlier today----I was doing some shopping and had a man open a door for me, at the same time flashing a smile. I was not en femme. But it occured to me that men often open doors for me. I had mentioned in another thread that I have a new male friend in my life who commented the first time we met that I had such strong female energy that he could not see me as anything but a woman. My point is that regardless of my outward appearance the woman inside of me must radiate outward in some powerful way. I can see it in my eyes which are most definitely a woman's eyes (without make-up) when i look in the mirror.

Ricka

[Guest ricka]

I truly believe that once I can shed the outer self, I’ll be a much better person both spiritually and externally – I’ll be better off with me and those folks in my life!

Hugs - Kayleigh

Kayleigh--I can relate to what you are saying. When I am en femme I feel vivacious and self-confident----in short it feels like my personality blossoms.

LOL on another note I was doing some work this weekend and talking with a male nurse at one of the local hospitals. And Oh! Honey, he was a total hunk in his physique-fitting hospital scrubs and totally charming. It was all I could do to refrain from flirting with him and stay in my "professional" role. I think it is that female energy that men respond to---even on an unconscious level.

Ricka

[Guest Vicky]

Thank you very much ricka for sharing, it means a lot to me. I have to deal with my situation too, and it is not easy. Sometimes I am so happy and overwhelmed experiencing to be a woman and other times I am really confused.

Huggs,

Lily

[Guest ricka]

Lily---we all struggle at times, whether it be with external or internal stressors---being pulled in oppposite directions. It is not an easy road and it is not the road of many that we travel. It is such a priveledge and a blessing to find encouragement and understanding and acceptance here and to know we do not travel this road alone. Like you I cherish the joyous moments of my emergent womanhood. Even the struggles we go through make us better women and better human beings.

Hugs! ricka

[Guest Vicky]

Yes ricka, I agree, it is blessing to be here and you know before I found Laura's website, I just tried to figure everything out alone, and here I get a lot of help and support, and only thinking of it makes me cry, good to be here...

Love,

Lily

[Guest yvonne]

Ricka,

It seems a lot of us have some commonality to our thoughts and feelings. Like Angie, I liked girls as a teen, but wanted to look like them. This was very confusing and created a lot of tension and conflict.

Like you, I live a life of duality and, although I'm very early in my discovery and acceptance, am happy with that setup. Due to the career position I'm in, it works for me and gives me a lot to be thankful for.

Like Lilly, I have times of great joy with my self-realization and times of great confusion. There's still so much to my brain that I don't yet understand, yet there's a lot to it that I DO understand and it brings me joy.

Although I've only been a part of this group for 6 months, I'm realizing that there is no standard for our own inner conflict resolution to measure success. Each of us has to reach a point where we feel inner peace with who we are, what we do and how we look.

Like the rest of the population, some will finish "the journey", become accepted as "regular" members of society and still feel empty and others won't look like they've done much of anything, yet will realize inner peace and satisfaction.

It comes down to the basics of life--we all have to work toward our own personal development to be happy with ourselves. Forget pleasing everybody else, you'll never do it and it doesn't matter, anyway.

One of the biggest hurdles we all have to overcome is "the guilt" for being so apparently different, strange and weird. Remember girls, we didn't deal the cards, we only get to play the hand. Everybody in life is in the same boat, only the cards are different. So do your best to enjoy the game.

Yvonne

[Guest ricka]

Yvonne---your words of wisdom really ring true and are much appreciated. For me living full-time at home as a woman alone has brought a lot of serenity. Before I always felt so restless and needing to be busy and on the go, but now I feel much more calm and able to relax and just _be_. One thing I am noticing that in my dreams I am very much aware of being a woman----don't think I had a sense of my gender in my dreams until rather recently. Yes, sometimes feelings of guilt creep in but I do remind myself that these are the cards I have been dealt as you put it. When I look down and touch my breasts it becomes a constant reminder that it was not by choice that I have been blessed with female breasts but I did have a choice to see them as a blessing and a source of joy because they validate me as a woman. I know I cannot go back, and I don't want to. Neither do I look back, now that the woman who lay sleeping inside of me for so many years has been awakened.

Well I am going to go out later and do some retail therapy--want to get a pair of stockings and look for earrings. I have always loved jewelry---even as a kid used to buy jewelry for my mom for her birthday and Christmas. (I used to love wearing her jewelry too.) Now I can buy it for myself, LOL.

One of the nicest things about Laura's Playground is to be able to share the joy of our womanhood together.

Hugs---Ricka