Don't Know Where To Start....

[Guest Jenny]

Sorry if this drags anyone down.

I have been so lost lately, it's too the point I don't even know what I feel anymore. I would like to say I feel nothing, but I do and I don't know what it is anymore and I feel like if I talk to someone, whatever link I have to myself or other people would be drowned in hatred; from society and eventually myself.

I sit here writing, looking for affirmation of whether I should get help or not. I feel I know the answer and I think the answer is yes, but I don't and when I say that to myself all I can do is cry. I wish I had the strength some people do and everyday I lose more. Some days I can lose myself and I don't need the strength anymore.

I'm afraid to talk to someone because I think I feel there will be no turning back on the cataclysm that will unfold. I feel I would be free from my present pain just to exchange it for another.

I am lost and really don't know how to start.....

I started on this site two years ago and have gone through phases where I could just ignore hings to have them come back worse than before; but this is the first time I have posted my honest thoughts.

I am so very scared and I start to cry again.

I am sorry for taking this out on you guys, it is somewhat , albeit a small bit of relief to say it in a public venue of sorts.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jenny,

It's good to see you again. Its been awhile. Don't be afraid to talk to us here. That's why we're here. To give comfort and advice to those who are hurting and it's plain to see that you are. Open up and tell us what's on your mind. Even if we don't have the answers it is comforting just to get it out in the open. Have you talked with a gender therapist about your feelings. If not, maybe you should. It won't do any harm and it might do a world of good.

Welcome back, hon.

MaryEllen

[Guest rachael1]

Hello Jenny,

It is never a burden to help a fellow human being in pain.

You are talking to someone; you are talking to all your friends at Laura's.

Hopefully you can find some solution to your distress and if not than speak to a counsellor or therapist and they may help you find answers.

Rachael

[Guest angie]

Goood Day Jenny,

It has been quite some time since you last posted.Are you still in the military?

Have you come out to your spouse?I remember the conflict you had about wanting

to start your physical journey.But having obligations to family and the military,

stopped your from following your heart and becoming the woman you all ready know

you are,instead of being put on indefinent hold,wishing you could begin your journey.

Unload on your sisters,that is what the Playground is for,love support and understanding

from your many many of sisters from around the world.We Are Here For You.Remember

that,and do not ever apologize for reaching out when you need us.That is what sisters are for.

Warm Soft Hugs,

Angie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sorry if this drags anyone down.

I have been so lost lately, it's too the point I don't even know what I feel anymore. I would like to say I feel nothing, but I do and I don't know what it is anymore and I feel like if I talk to someone, whatever link I have to myself or other people would be drowned in hatred; from society and eventually myself.

I am sorry for taking this out on you guys, it is somewhat , albeit a small bit of relief to say it in a public venue of sorts.

Jenny.....

You're not dragging anyone down....

We all are here to help each other...some days you are strong and you help someone...then when you're down someone will help you...that's how it works here....

And you sound very conflicted and confused right now...let us help.....OK?

Mary Ellen is offering good advice...a gender therapist can open doors for you and get things out that you never knew existed....

Do that, Honey, please....

And we're here for you ...if you like you can PM me or just post here on the open forums to air things out!

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Jenny----let me chime in with our other sisters here. Sometimes it helps a lot just to be able to talk about what is going on. We don't always need advice but an open ear, an open, accepting heart and a shoulder to cry on. Sweetie---none of us are on an easy road and it is not the road of many, but we have each other here and that means so much, and for some of us it is enough to keep going in our own journeys. We are here for each other during the darkest of times and when the sun peaks out from behind the clouds to share those moments of serenity and joy when we simply breathe and love and accept ourselves and each other as women.

A big hug--Ricka

[Guest viv]

Sorry if this drags anyone down.

I have been so lost lately, it's too the point I don't even know what I feel anymore. I would like to say I feel nothing, but I do and I don't know what it is anymore and I feel like if I talk to someone, whatever link I have to myself or other people would be drowned in hatred; from society and eventually myself.

I sit here writing, looking for affirmation of whether I should get help or not. I feel I know the answer and I think the answer is yes, but I don't and when I say that to myself all I can do is cry. I wish I had the strength some people do and everyday I lose more. Some days I can lose myself and I don't need the strength anymore.

I'm afraid to talk to someone because I think I feel there will be no turning back on the cataclysm that will unfold. I feel I would be free from my present pain just to exchange it for another.

I am lost and really don't know how to start.....

I started on this site two years ago and have gone through phases where I could just ignore hings to have them come back worse than before; but this is the first time I have posted my honest thoughts.

I am so very scared and I start to cry again.

I am sorry for taking this out on you guys, it is somewhat , albeit a small bit of relief to say it in a public venue of sorts.

Hi Jenny,

Oh my hun, I really do feel your hurt. I have just left behind me one of the most horrible weeks in my life , And I actually hesitated in getting in touch with our sisters here , how silly of me, and here"s why. Sharing your problems here works , the women in our garden will not stop with good advice till they know you are on the road to

feeling better , they will not stop till you have clear pictures in you head as to what needs to be addressed . Therapists, good ones are worth their weight in gold and if you

are lucky with yours then why not make an appointment. Have you ever come out of a session with your therapist and said to yourself " oh c**p !! I forgot to say this or I

forgot to say that, happens to us all Jenny , so if you do decide to book an appointment why not a few days prior write down as much as you can re whats hurting you , I

promise you , your therapist will be grateful and resolution a certainty . So Jenny, please do what I did, keep posting in , it works , someone reading your posts will reply

with that "special" suggestion , the one to unlock your pain and put you on the road to happiness ., its only around the corner hun, I swear, Luv,viv.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Jenny,

Talking to someone (professionally prefered) will only help you. You will not be harmed. Think of a therapist as a guide to help you find your way.

Even speaking with us is going to be helpful

Yes, please do talk and write. For myself, I have found it enormously theraputic to post here on the forums.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Jenny]

I was reading through the therapist section, there are worrisome things there. I am in the Toronto region and I see that there is a warning for the CAMH or something to that effect. I am worried of ending up with a bad counselor, not that I would know a good one anyway because I am so lost.

I am just numb. I control the anger, hatred and depression. I cracked today, I am showing cracks. I read some of these posts and I cry.

I am being torn apart, into two and it hurts a lot.

The topic has come up of late at work because there have been several cases of transsexual people in the military now, and all the comments my coworkers say just drive me farther into hiding. I noticed some, I guess you can call them character traits, slipping out today and I had to suppress them.

You know I have been pushing this male image and persona for so long that I have completely lost myself. I don't know what else to think or do............lost and numb is not a good place to be.

I have one person from this site who is willing to put me in contact with someone in the military who is/has gone through this. It's a glimmer I guess, but nothing else has worked out so I am not holding to much hope.

I wish I could call and talk to a therapist and I really don't know why I don't, especially when I feel this low. I guess it goes back to the lost and numb.

[Guest Jenny]

Two years, it's seemed a lot longer, it seems like a lifetime.

Sorry still prattling; I wish I could talk to a friend in person about this, a friend. It would be nice to have a friend I can go and talk to. I came out to one person and that person doesn't talk to me anymore. Something else I was going to say and it has slipped my mind.....my thoughts are really disorganized right now.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jenny..

Sweetheart....

Are you in the military?

You're in the Toronto area...I'm directly south in Ohio....

If you are needing to, PM me ...maybe we can work something out...

I'm ex-military, too...MTF and 9 months HRT...

Does any of that qualify me to talk to you?

You know how to use the PM if you want to...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[MaryEllen]

I was reading through the therapist section, there are worrisome things there. I am in the Toronto region and I see that there is a warning for the CAMH or something to that effect. I am worried of ending up with a bad counselor, not that I would know a good one anyway because I am so lost.

Yes. You would do well to stay away from the likes of Drs Blanchard and Zucker. They have probably caused more suicides than any other two persons on this planet. Their Reparative Therapy concepts are deadly.

These are some resources that we have on file. I would advise you, though, to stay away from the Clarke Institute.

MaryEllen

The 519

519 Church Street

Toronto, ON

M4Y 2C9

Canada

416 392 6874

Fax: 416 392 0519

E-mail: [email protected]

Web site: http://www.the519.org/

Free counseling, but their wait list is long. They also have tons of Trans programs.

Sherbournce Health Centre

333 Sherbourne Street

Toronto, Ontario

M5A 2S5

416 324 4180

Fax: 416 324 4188

E-mail: [email protected]

Web site: http://www.sherbourne.on.ca/

Purportedly the easiest and fastest way to access hormones in the Toronto area. See the Web site, call, or E-mail for more info.

Shirley Katz-Leon, Ph.D.,

Canadian Certified Counsellor

156 Sheppard Avenue West, Unit 3

Toronto

Phone : (647) 244-3050

Website : http://www.creativitycounselling.com

"I am a therapist providing counselling services to transgendered people in Toronto. I am a Canadian Certified Counsellor with a Ph.D. in Counselling Psychology and a private practice in North York where I provide safe, supportive and evidence-based therapies integrated with techniques from expressive arts therapies. I have worked with several clients long term who are or were transitioning. My services are covered by extended health benefits and I offer evening and weekend appointments."

http://www.tsroadmap.com/info/centre-addic...tal-health.html

[Guest DeniseNM]

Jenny

I am glad to see that you are back again and please think that you are bringing anyone down because we are here to help each other when we are going through tough times. We care about you and want to help you as you go through these times because I am sure that we have all been through the confusion and uncertainity (I know I have been).

Denise

[Guest Jenny]

Well thanks for all the care, I guess I came back at the right time. I actually managed to get a contact in the military who is not so far from me, needless to say, I talked so much to her that I shot to the other end of the spectrum now. So much flowed out I feel kind of empty but I still didn't get everything out by a longshot. Have to do it in chunks I guess. I have a feeling now, even if it's feeling like garbage, I guess it's better than the feelings I had earlier.