Getting Help *though Reluctantly*

[Guest AlexanderG]

I got an appointment with the sexuologist. I had to agree to see a psychiatrist as well. I accepted the deal.

The only thing that's just messed up is the thought that

I have to lose some serious weight before I go to him/her, because once they get a hold of me & I agree to go with the programm I won't be losing anymore, so by then I have to be at my GW.

That & I don't want to be the fat person who had an ED for years without anything to show for it.

I'm not sure when this will be, the appointment may be at th end of January, but they also may call me back in, say, two weeks. No idea.

Part of me doesn't wan tthis. My ED is serving a purpose (distraction, occupation of thoughts, sugar/stuff intake & endorphines due to purging, excuses not to go out, et cetera) and to let go of it... that BESIDES gaining weight...

On the other hand: what if the core problem would be solved, and I could see I look fine, and have the energy to want to do something... that would be quite awesome.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Alex,

I wish you well, and I am sure that everything will turn out alright for you

Keep working, learning, and growing!!

Love

Brenda

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thanks, rockchick!

In spite of everything I seem to from somewhere have dug up the notion that I will be alright - in the end. A comforting thought.

But yeah, learning like crazy. About myself. And some quite disturbing stuff, too. At moments I know exactly what I'm doing, why I'm messing around with food, and it's ... disturbing.

- I 'want' to make myself sick (as in skinny & weak et cetera), so that my counsellor, and the psychiatrist, and everyone, will be shocked and focus on that. The last meeting with the former has unleashed so much and is making me feel so bad I'm looking to avoid it even while having appointments specifically to talk about it. Oh my goodness?!

- I 'want' to stop eating/obsess over food, weight, and exercise because then I'll feel crappy too but at least it'll feel like I have a choice in the matter. In general EDs are about control - I see how that works now.

- I can only focus on one problem at the time. I think my ED's always 'worst' in times of stress.

- I think even the idea that, if I'd *finally* manage to actually get my ED to show (as in: FINALLY GET THIN), people could see something's wrong. Somehow I think coming out would be made easier that way. Like - OK so you're feeling really bad, and that's because you don't like being a woman, and we just want you to be happy, so we'll accept it takes some extreme measures for you to be so.

It's as if, now I know I'll be getting help, I feel I should make it as necessary to get it as possible. Apparently nothing is as motivating for me to lose weight as the thought I'll have to 'justify' my ED to a psychiatrist.

& to prove wrong those bullcrap stories about it 'not working.'

& to prove I CAN *fast/restrict/be disciplined*

The stupid thing is, though, that in spite of everything I DO want it ---

breast removal

lower voice, sideburns, 3 o'clock shadow

penis

& I know that, an ED being a psychiatric disorder, I won't qualify as long as I have one. So I'm only messing it up for myself.

Am I even entitled to taking up this much forum-space, I wonder? Why do I feel like apolotizing for taking up your time?

Take it like a man, Alex!

Alexander the not-so-Great

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Alex hon,

You do not need to apologize for anything... OK? I am here for you, so you are not taking up my time. The time that I spend on here at Laura's is out of love for you and all of the members here. Keep working with your therapists. It sounds like you are definitely making headway. That is good!! Yes, hon, one thing at a time! No need to overwhelm yourself with too many issues at once. Knock em down one at a time.

Here's a little saying that I live by.

"Inch by inch your life's a cinch, yard by yard your life is hard"

Inch by inch you will get there. Trying to take on too much at once just makes your life hard.

With all of my love

Brenda

[Guest insanitylives]

I got an appointment with the sexuologist. I had to agree to see a psychiatrist as well. I accepted the deal.

The only thing that's just messed up is the thought that

I have to lose some serious weight before I go to him/her, because once they get a hold of me & I agree to go with the programm I won't be losing anymore, so by then I have to be at my GW.

Woah, BACK UP dude.

Even if you get down to your GW (which, frankly, I can't beleive is healthy. We both know it rarely (if ever) is), you're probably going to be asked to gain.

- I can only focus on one problem at the time. I think my ED's always 'worst' in times of stress.

Relate. Completely.

- I think even the idea that, if I'd *finally* manage to actually get my ED to show (as in: FINALLY GET THIN), people could see something's wrong. Somehow I think coming out would be made easier that way. Like - OK so you're feeling really bad, and that's because you don't like being a woman, and we just want you to be happy, so we'll accept it takes some extreme measures for you to be so.

Doesn't matter how heavy/thin you are.. Seriouslly. Suffering doesn't discriminate on stuff like this

& I know that, an ED being a psychiatric disorder, I won't qualify as long as I have one. So I'm only messing it up for myself.

Point. Made. Re-read what you just said.

I feel like a total hypocrate giving any sort of advice, but try to step back and think about what's going on with the ED/life.

[Guest julia_d]

Your eating disorder is a symptom of GD .. well documented and more common than you would think. It stems from the general and complete unhappiness with your body, and the low self esteem that comes from being so very unhappy.

For now focus on the core issue and ignore the eating/starving stuff. The shrinks are well used to seeing people with other disorders which are marker symptoms of a more serious underlying condition. (depression and suicidal/self harm tendencies are the most common.. eating disorders fall in the self harm category) You are taking steps now to deal with the core problem, hopefully the other will lessen as you get the help you need.

Good Luck.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Woah, BACK UP dude.

You're right. I should.

Even if you get down to your GW (which, frankly, I can't beleive is healthy. We both know it rarely (if ever) is), you're probably going to be asked to gain.

Actually, my GW's officially healthy for me. Though I would look rather skinny I think, it wouldn't be an underweight-figure. I let go of that, because I feel tehre are limits to what's nice and what's too much.

Doesn't matter how heavy/thin you are.. Seriouslly. Suffering doesn't discriminate on stuff like this

I know, but it's - it's so easy to hide now, and deny, and no one sees. Yaknow?

I don't think you're hypocrite at all.

Your eating disorder is a symptom of GD.. well documented and more common than you would think. It stems from the general and complete unhappiness with your body, and the low self esteem that comes from being so very unhappy.

It MIGHT be. I still hold that's not sure. I might not even have a GID, it might be the other way around, et cetera.

I hope so, though. Because that would mean I'd finally found the Big Ole' Reason, and solving one will solve the other, and that's something that's reassuring to think about. I do know it's changed since - well, since last week. My behavior, I mean.

For now focus on the core issue and ignore the eating/starving stuff.

The problem is that I'm doing exactly the opposite. Trying to do, anyway. For a while my ED wasn't an issue, just 'there,' but now I've made it The Thing again so as to be preoccupied too much to really gointo the GD thing. Tha'ts the function of the ED, I think, in the first place.

Good Luck.

Thank you.

[Guest insanitylives]

Actually, my GW's officially healthy for me. Though I would look rather skinny I think, it wouldn't be an underweight-figure. I let go of that, because I feel tehre are limits to what's nice and what's too much.

I don't beleive you. Why? Same exucse I use. Technically healthy, and actually being healthy are two different things.

I know, but it's - it's so easy to hide now, and deny, and no one sees. Yaknow?

yeah.

[Guest AlexanderG]

I don't beleive you. Why? Same exucse I use. Technically healthy, and actually being healthy are two different things.

yeah.

True true.

I don't care right now though. I've gained 5 pounds in 5 days now I'm on antibiotics (& having period) & I'm freaking out. What am I gonna doooooo now. How am I gonna get this off before the 22nd? I HAVE to. Have to have to have to. & another 4 before New Year's.

OK I'm slightly having a panic attack *looks for bag to breathe in*

[Guest insanitylives]

True true.

I don't care right now though. I've gained 5 pounds in 5 days now I'm on antibiotics (& having period) & I'm freaking out. What am I gonna doooooo now. How am I gonna get this off before the 22nd? I HAVE to. Have to have to have to. & another 4 before New Year's.

OK I'm slightly having a panic attack *looks for bag to breathe in*

Five pounds is nothing, and frankly is probably because of the period (stupid thing causes water retention. Add to the list of "WHY PERIODS SUCK, PERIOD"), not the antibiotics

which you should take. Because it you don't it makes those superbugs, and such.

You're not going to bother to "get it off by the 22nd"..that's what, a week? /not looking at a calander right now/ You can't, or rather SHOULDN'T.

yeah man i hope you're doing better today.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thnx. Not really. Making all these extreme plans again (which I know I can't stick to anyway so why bother). Sorry, I'm in a boohoo I'm such a bug fat moronic pig-mood. Don't pay attention to it. It's just hormones. I hate hormones. *see there, I giggled. I'm OK.*

& yeah that's a week. But I'm also in a never-friggin'-mind-cuz-you'll-never-get-there-anyway-mood, too. Blah.

(OK I'm just upset realizing everything's going so slow and I have to wait to talk to professionals for so long every time while I just want someone to tell me I'll be OK if I just do this-and-that. That & I gained some more today.)