Timing

[Guest AlexanderG]

Would you say - with friends of whom you suspect will accept you for who you are, because they have accepted you for who you are and because they are open-minded people -

to tell them you're pre-occupied with your gender identity and seeing a gender therapist --- this way you can more or less ease them into the idea a bit rather than drop the bomb.

or

to tell them when you're sure and actually begin living 24/7 as desired sex et cetera. In which case at least it'll be clear from the start what it is you're doing and want & you're not confusing anyone too much & will not be confused out of action by their questions yourself.

What do you think?

*why asking? I want to tell my friend. Even though I'm scared it'll change things between us, she knows there's something going on & I'm seeing counsellor et cetera, and get a bit down 'now and then,' and we have a basis of trust and, well... I sort of feel she deserves to be told what's going on exactly, yaknow?*

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I think that no matter your friend's and familiy's acceptance level of your transgender status it is important to give them a heads up that things are going to be changing, it is just the timing of that change that is in doubt. If you doubt the support level with with a group you might want to try flying a couple of test baloons; ask some general questions to try and guage their feelings about trans and gay folks in general. This was the tactic I used with my employer and I was able, about two months later, to transition at work too.

This is one of those things where not matter what they think their support level might be; when they are actually called on to support it some wont find it easy and others can only offer that support intellectually but not practically.

[Paula ult]

I did my coming out by taking baby steps, i am MtF and started wearing woman's jeans then shoes gradually adding female items over 6 months, when i told people it answered questions they had.

It is much more accepted if you are FtM to wear mens clothes, shoes and have short hair, if you are already doing this your friends may already wonder what is going on and may suspect but are afraid of asking questions cause they do not want to hurt your feelings.

Finding the right time when they have nothing going on in their lives seems to help, doing it face to face and you may want to tell them individually, i went to my good friends homes and told them in person, all thanked me for doing so and it showed them that i valued their friendship.

Paula

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Alex

Each time you come out to someone it will be a unique experience. Coming out is tricky and can be scary. Also, keep in mind that when you come out to someone there is no uncoming out. Once your out to them, you are out. There is no going back. Additonally, when you come out to someone, you do run the risk of them outing you to others without your knowledge or permission.

I would ask myself Alex, how truely close are you to your friend. How far can you trust your friend. Would she out you to others before you were ready?

If I may suggest that you might want to begin on a general discussion about transgenderism and get a sense of her understanding and attitude torwards transgendered people. This might give you a clue as how to proceed.

The day will come when you will be coming out to people. That day is inevitable.

Have you discussed coming out to your friend with your GT? What does your therapist think about this?

Love

Brenda

[Guest AlexanderG]

Have you discussed coming out to your friend with your GT? What does your therapist think about this?

Now why didn't I think of that?! !!!

Thnx everyone.

I guess I have been dropping some achorns (SP?), mostly with joking remarks or with things like I'm being mistaken for a guy but I don't mind. Plus I think that changing my name to masculine Alex has made some people wonder. One old friend said "you're gonna have a sex change or something? " I mailed her back - "good idea!" hehehe.

I expect people who really know me to not proverbially die of surprise. Some of my friends & my sister, in any case.

[Guest AlexanderG]

I'm considering coming out to a couple of friends next weekend as seeing a gender therapist / figuring out gender-stuff. So, sorta not drop a bomb saying "I'm gonna be a man" but "I'm talking to someone about hte fact I'm not sure I'm happy being a woman." Maybe a bit ... deceptive. But I think that may be the right way to go about it. Ease them into it.

I have it in my head it'll be liberating, and also make the notion more tangible/real. I want to be able to be around my friends without feeling I have this secret I can't tell about. And, if they're OK, bind when around them.

These are friends I trust to be tolerant. One of them is gay and has struggled with prejudices et cetera, but is accepting of herself and of others who are 'different.' Another one is our mutual friend, who ahs no problems with the (many) lesbians in our (former) soccer team. I think she too holds the philosophy that one should feel comfortable and do what one needs to become happy.

Another friend is just... I've known her since we were 12 or something and she's as puzzled by people's intolerance as I am (of homosexuality, but other stuff as well). But she lives with her boyfriend (also my friend) and I'm not sure we'll have a moment to ourselves or if I can ask her to keep it to herself.

I trust them all to not out me if I ask them not to.

I believe all of them to be, though a bit bedazzled at first perhaps (or - not THAT surprised, perhaps?!), accepting.

The last friend I'll be visiting (I stuffed my weekend) I won't tell. She has trouble with men due to traumatic experience, and it may be ungood for our friendship for her to hear I want to be one.

Exciting, scary, unsure... again that question, am I going too fast? What the crap AM I doing? But as unbelievable as the whole notion is... (ME? Hormones??? Breast removal surgery??? ME?!) I also sense somewhere in the back of my head I will stay on this train. I'm constantly passing stations where I could get off (Don't go to a counsellor, don't buy a binder, don't tell that friend, don't decide to apply as a guy, et cetera) --- but I just don't get off. The thought that 'oh MAN that's a LONG time to wait till I can get hormones!!!' completely overrules the 'dude stop this!' whispers.

Thnx for reading.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Forum-spammer no1. calling in...

I'm gonna do it. Tell at least two of my friends, Sunday. Fingers crossed it goes well!!!

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

From what you said it sounds good. and if your friends are accepting then the extra support will be a world of relief. I think I would try to be as honest as I could with them, something like "so you know i've never been a typical girly girl, well the truth is i've never really felt like a girl at all, i've had doubts for a very long time about what i am, and i've begun to see a gender therapist to try and figure it out, with the possibility that I might want to become a man, I know it's a little strange but I hope that you can be ok with it, I value your friendship and want to be able to be honest with you, and would like to be able to be more myself when I'm around you."

I suspect that anyone that cares about you will only be concerned about 2 things, 1 that you're happy and 2 that you're sure and that you aren't going to rush into anything that you can't undo. so assure them of these and i think you'll be set.

[Guest Bax]

Forum-spammer no1. calling in...

I'm gonna do it. Tell at least two of my friends, Sunday. Fingers crossed it goes well!!!

How exciting! I've told two of my closest friends last week and it was really extremely liberating; I felt like I was on a high for la whole week. Now I'm getting really nervous 'cause I'm going home tomorrow (for my school's break), and my mom knows but I haven't had "the talk" with her yet. We'll probably do that Saturday I imagine ('cause I'll be getting in real late Friday night--really sat morning).

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thnx Sam, for the good example of how to tell!!!

Bax, g'luck Saturday!!!!