Feeling Trapped In My Body And Voice

[Guest AmyB]

I've been really struggling along this week; feeling ugly and awful trapped in my body which doesn't reflect me (or the me I feel I am/want to be). I've had to turn the mirrors round in my bathroom so I can't see myself in them and I'm struggling even knowing how I look even without being able to see it (I'm normally OK-ish if I can't see it, but I've been able to really feel it this week). I also hate my voice.

I saw a girl today who looked like I imagine I'd have looked if I'd been born genetically female. I had to try hard to hold it all together and not cry. I really want my hair and body to look like that.

I feel awful about my hair at the moment (thinning), can't take Finasteride or start E until the sperm is banked. We're going to see the fertility clinic on Monday about banking sperm... but what if they won't help once they know why we want to store it? Even if they do it's going to be a month before I can start the Finasteride while I'm banking samples. If they won't store my sperm cos I'm TG/TS, that going to set everything back again while we find a new clinic (if we can find a new one...) and then time to get an appointment with them and another month to get enough samples deposited with them. Probably another two month delay doing anything about hair or hormones, with me loosing more hair. I'm overwhelmed with everything. I ordered some Minoxidil today, but once you start that it's a life sentence of droppering on the solution twice a day and having greasy hair from it and given that I've got finasteride to take anyway, it won't be clear if I'm getting any benefit from the Minoxidil. My hair is thinner than any genetic girl I've seen.

Still on a hair topic, I'm also stressed because I had some test patches done for laser hair removal and while it seems to have worked well on my tummy and back, I'm not sure if it has on my beard. It looked like it had on my beard at first too, with all the hairs shedding after a day or two, and was clear, but a week later and it's virtually impossible to tell my beard was lasered, while my tummy and back are still more or less hair free where they were tested.

These are two specific things. I'm finding it hard to convey the general feeling rather than specifics. I've had bad dreams again at night this week (before I came out, I had them every single night - sometimes several times each night) and been waking up with my jaw aching from grinding my teeth in my sleep from the stress.

Not sure how to wind up this post, but I'm glad to have been able to write about it. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Guest angie]

Amy my sister,

Once the estrogen is working and your mind knows you are on the way,

the bad dreams should cease,as you are finally becoming who you should be.

And for general information,once the finasteride has done its work,with your

DHT knocked down and with the estrogen levels reaching a natal womans level,

what you got and get back,wont be going away.All it will do is get fuller and fuller.

Wink,

Angie

Your voice can be adjusted by buying a voice training program and working at it

every single day.You may try Melanie Anne Phillips Voice Training CD or DVD

[Guest AmyB]

Thanks Angie Sorry for how long and rambling my post was! I'm really glad you replied; I'm feeling much more chipper today.

Amy

[Guest ricka]

Amy---- first of all I think it takes time to turn our minds around when we were once men who just shaved and showered and threw on whatever clothes were handy and we were dressed for the day. Women need a lot more time to get themselves ready for the day with hair and make-up and finding the outfit that feels right for the day.

I wear a wig and love it! I've worn one long enough that it feels totally natural---and unnatural to be without it. And the advantage of a wig is not having to deal with a bad hair day!! A little mascara and lip-stick and I see the woman that I am and feel on the inside looking back at me. Try adding earrings just to give you that boost to feel a little glamourous.

hugs--Ricka

[Carolyn Marie]

Amy, I understand your frustration. The one essential useful trait for transsexuals is patience. It is a slow process, and until it really gets

going, only the lucky and the very young don't have moments like yours when it all looks impossible.

I'm 55, balding, short and a little paunchy (although getting less so ). After putting on my clothes and wig and makeup, to me I still

look like a man in a dress. But I have confidence and the patience to believe that HRT and electrolysis will make a huge difference

for me, and I know it will for you as well.

You are much younger than me, and have more time to be patient. I know its hard, but it can be done. If laser treatment isn't satisfactory,

then try electrolysis. Among other things its more permanent.

Look at the pics of Sally and Donna Jean and Jean Davis. They look great, and they all started much later than you.

Have faith in yourself, Hon, be patient, and have confidence knowing you will get where you want to be, and be the woman you

know you are inside.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kayliegh]

Hi Amy –

Do not let things get you down!!! We all are going through changes, whether it be with HRT or with family or friends – Persevere!!!

No one but the “Big Guy” knows where we’ll end up – just go with what you feel is true in your heart to you – no one can ever take that away from you.

Like an old “hero” of mine said “Live long and prosper” – Hugs! - Kayleigh

[Guest viv]

Hi Amy,

Except re my hair I can relate to you feelings . Yes , there are times when we feel

the road we are on is so long and its then we start to ""pick out"" things about ourselves/

usually shortcomings , and we end up being depressed . So hun, do what I did , listen to

what Ricka, Carolyn Marie , Angie and the other women are saying, they are advising you

from experience and they pass this on to us when we feel bad. I guess this is why there

is so much love buzzin around Laura"s , we are constantly there for one another. So Amy,

look to brighter days, they are only around the corner, your sisters will be here for you .

Luv,viv