Transition Journey, It's Not What I Thought

[Guest yvonne]

I'm very early in my transition journey (just doing it late in life) and I thought it would be a slow process of developing my female self.

I'm starting to realize that I may have had this backwards, as Angie has told me a number of times.

It's NOT about developing my female side, it's about slowly peeling away the layers of manhood, bit by little bit, to allow the true woman within to emerge. This must be what a butterfly experiences (oh great, that makes me a worm) .

My wife first said something about it and I'm realizing I'm using more and more feminine gestures and positions. I'm uncomfortable sitting unless my knees are together, many of my hand and arm gestures and positions are getting more and more female and it's not even anything I'm consciously doing, it's just happening slowly.

I'm more and more uncomfortable in male clothes and am switching to girl jeans when I go out. Wife says it's hard to tell about the jeans, so I'm safe with that.

I find myself more interested in shopping than before and less interested in watching some sports that I used to insist on watching all day. In fact, on Thanksgiving, I didn't watch any sports at all while preparing the dinner and really enjoyed being me in the kitchen.

Yes, bit by bit, the man parts get peeled away, leaving a beautiful woman (mainly in my sight, no one else would say that at this point).

When I get upset and cry, which isn't often yet, I feel better after crying. I used to get mad when I'd see a woman cry, now I want to cry with them.....

I'm enjoying every last little detail of this and am savoring every precious moment. For this is the exact same journey that every natal female makes as she blossoms from a sexless-looking little girl into a fully mature woman. It takes years for them and it will be years for me.

As it is, it's sure fun to be an adolescent girl, peeling away the layers that have kept a beautiful person hidden away--no more.

There's hope for all of us.

Yvonne

[Guest nymphblossom]

How wonderfully well said, Yvonne! I am in a very similar situation as you, a married late bloomer and could have never have expressed the emotions I am experiencing so well. Thank you for sharing.

Blossom

[Sally]

Yes, Yvonne,

The journey begins with the acknowledgement that you are indeed female and for FTMs that they are male, once the decision to transition is made you begin to become the you that has lain dormant for so long - always there just below the surface but always alive and waiting for its chance to erupt and take charge.

I had a very dear friend who told me once in response to my complaining about not having started on HRT and having to wait longer to start my transition, "Darling, you have already transitioned, read your posts from a few months ago and then now - you are a woman all that is left is cosmetic changes."

He was very wise and I realized that he was also very correct the journey begins at the time you decide to transition and goes on for years but you have allowed the woman within to come out and there is no stopping her and no delaying her - it is all physical after that.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I'm very early in my transition journey (just doing it late in life) and I thought it would be a slow process of developing my female self.

I'm starting to realize that I may have had this backwards, as Angie has told me a number of times.

It's NOT about developing my female side, it's about slowly peeling away the layers of manhood, bit by little bit, to allow the true woman within to emerge. This must be what a butterfly experiences (oh great, that makes me a worm) .

My wife first said something about it and I'm realizing I'm using more and more feminine gestures and positions. I'm uncomfortable sitting unless my knees are together, many of my hand and arm gestures and positions are getting more and more female and it's not even anything I'm consciously doing, it's just happening slowly.

I'm more and more uncomfortable in male clothes and am switching to girl jeans when I go out. Wife says it's hard to tell about the jeans, so I'm safe with that.

I find myself more interested in shopping than before and less interested in watching some sports that I used to insist on watching all day. In fact, on Thanksgiving, I didn't watch any sports at all while preparing the dinner and really enjoyed being me in the kitchen.

Yes, bit by bit, the man parts get peeled away, leaving a beautiful woman (mainly in my sight, no one else would say that at this point).

When I get upset and cry, which isn't often yet, I feel better after crying. I used to get mad when I'd see a woman cry, now I want to cry with them.....

I'm enjoying every last little detail of this and am savoring every precious moment. For this is the exact same journey that every natal female makes as she blossoms from a sexless-looking little girl into a fully mature woman. It takes years for them and it will be years for me.

As it is, it's sure fun to be an adolescent girl, peeling away the layers that have kept a beautiful person hidden away--no more.

There's hope for all of us.

Yvonne

Yvonne, girlfriend, you are describing what I experienced. One thing I did notice was that as the old me dropped away the process of change accelerated. You seem to be indicating that with your changes in mannerisms, the desire for more feminine clothing. I am 5 months into my journey and I am also one who started late.

I dont like the term late onset because I have been GID all of my life, it just took me longer to put the peices together.

Welcome to the journey sister

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yvonne....

That's beautiful and I have to echo everything that you said....

I spent my whole life trying to be what was expected of me by society and myself...

My therapist said that I over compensated trying to be male and make things fall into place...

It was a slow agonizing death...

I found myself and the world opened to me....

And what a happy woman I am...

Your letter expresses that so well..snif'....snif'...

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest viv]

Hi Yvonne,

I really love the way you have been describing your journey so far .

As I see it you are positioning yourself into your **life comfort zone**,your

womanhood. Like the rest of us Yvonne, you have been carrying this piece

of a jigsaw puzzle around with you all your life looking for its place ""to fit in""

and now Eureka !!! you have found its (your) place . All that negative pressure

is now gone , banished by your strength of conviction . I am so delighted for

you hun, so so delighted. ""Oh happy days"", Luv, viv

[Guest angie]

Yes, Yvonne,

The journey begins with the acknowledgement that you are indeed female and for FTMs that they are male,

He was very wise and I realized that he was also very correct the journey begins at the time you decide to transition and goes on for years but you have allowed the woman within to come out and there is no stopping her and no delaying her - it is all physical after that.

Love ya,

Sally

Right On!

That is exactly how it worked for me.She who I had suppressed for a lifetime came tumbling out

of her shell.There was little I could do once Angelique decided it was her turn to live in the world.

Luv All You Ladies,

Angelique

[Guest ricka]

A lovely post Yvonne, and a lovely thread throughout! Joanna, I have to agree with you about the term "late onset." By what standard are any of us late? Each of us have taken our own path and are arriving right on time as the women we were born to be. I adore the metaphors for our common-yet-unique journeys: an emerging butterfly, a flower that is opening, fruit coming fully-ripe.

I wonder how many of us had lived our lives as males disconnected from our bodies, only to find as women a connection to our physical selves we never experienced before? I find it difficult to put into words this physical feeling of being female. And it does affect how we move and carry our bodies.

Yvonne, you are so right-on when you described yourself as a beautiful woman emerging from the peeled-away layers of your old male-shell. Hun, what you feel is indeed what you project. I frankly can't imagine you as anything but beautiful.

Ricka

[Guest]

I dont like the term late onset because I have been GID all of my life, it just took me longer to put the peices together.

The term onset means when it first started. Onset depends on the word that proceeds it So for our purposes here it is when GID (onset) first started not when transition started which is usually later. Most therapists now use this model. Dr's Blanchard and Baily tried to change the term to mean transition onset in their papers. Most self respecting gender therapists on the list don't listen to Blanchard and Baily. Baily thought a drag queen in a gay bar he interviewed was a transsexual. If he can't tell the difference how can he write about our issues? Most raise eyebrows because of the place he did his interviews. So if you've been GID since you can first remember (4 or 5) you are early onset. Late onset is closer to puberty. Terms are important for diagnosis purposes.

Laura

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks for clearing that up Laura...

I certainly don't want to use any term incorrectly when it concerns us and our condition!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest SusanKG]

Hmmm,

An entirely new way to look at it, for me anyway. It seems that the changes we seek are always external or externally driven. The girl within just wants it to happen, not make it happen. I'm somewhat traditional, girls traditionally don't make things happen. What I think, not what I believe. Or vice-versa. Or not. My head hurts! (Susan sashays away to think everything over.)

Susan comes back for a second to thank Yvonne and Angie for ideas. This blockhead is not entirely T caused.

SusanKG