Talk Or No?

[Guest AlexanderG]

What do you do when you 'need' to talk, but you just don't want to bother other people with your problems?

[Guest]

This is a support site. It's ok to talk about your problems. The neat part is that their are thousands of perspectives. Someone may come up with the solution that helps you. That in turn helps others with the same issue. Go Ahead say what's on your mind. This place is about support and we can't support you if we don't know what your problem is. We're a community that's here to listen to you.

Laura

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Alex hon,

The very reason why we are here is to talk about our problems with each other.

You are not bothering anyone here. So just go ahead and talk

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest AlexanderG]

Alex hon,

The very reason why we are here is to talk about our problems with each other.

You are not bothering anyone here. So just go ahead and talk

HUGS

Brenda

Thnx girls.

OK, I'm not sure how to... though. I'm scared., and confused, and I just want someone to tell me what to do. I feel I'm messing around without knowing anything, really. Why am I getting a binder tomorrow? What am I gonna do with the job interview - what if I go as a guy and in three months all of this will blow over and I'll realise I was just messing around and I'm not transanything and I'll have exposed myself like that?

I can't see myself doing any of these things, even as I'm doing them. I feel like none of this is real.

I think I'll just be repeating myself from here on, that I wish I'd never realised and backed out when I could, like at that very first meeting with my counsellor. And in theory I could back out, any time, but I can't. Maybe I don't really want that, either.

I can't see how or where this will end and I think I'm moving too fast but also that nothing at all is happening. I want to sleep but I keep myself up half the night because I don't want to be lying awake, or something. I want to just be relieved of all responsibility, for someone to make all these decisions for me.

What am I gonna do with me?

I don't trust myself anymore.

[Carolyn Marie]

Alex, why don't you start by writing all of your issues or problems down on paper, and then rank them in importance?

Then, you can choose the ones you need answers to right away and ask them here. You can post them or ask them of

a friend or a Mod via PM, whichever you are comfortable with.

We aren't always going to have a good answer for you, or any answer for that matter. We are people just like you, but many of

us have gone through similar events or have worked things out for ourselves, so we have those experiences to draw on that

maybe you don't.

You sound very conflicted, and that is natural, even for older people like me. These issues are really complex and involve a lot of

different emotions, and your decisions impact not only yourself but everyone you are close to. That's one of the big reasons that

so many of us have these conflicts.

Take a deep breath and try to sort out your priorities and concerns, and we'll help you from there.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Thnx girls.

OK, I'm not sure how to... though. I'm scared., and confused, and I just want someone to tell me what to do. I feel I'm messing around without knowing anything, really. Why am I getting a binder tomorrow? What am I gonna do with the job interview - what if I go as a guy and in three months all of this will blow over and I'll realise I was just messing around and I'm not transanything and I'll have exposed myself like that?

I can't see myself doing any of these things, even as I'm doing them. I feel like none of this is real.

I think I'll just be repeating myself from here on, that I wish I'd never realised and backed out when I could, like at that very first meeting with my counsellor. And in theory I could back out, any time, but I can't. Maybe I don't really want that, either.

I can't see how or where this will end and I think I'm moving too fast but also that nothing at all is happening. I want to sleep but I keep myself up half the night because I don't want to be lying awake, or something. I want to just be relieved of all responsibility, for someone to make all these decisions for me.

What am I gonna do with me?

I don't trust myself anymore.

Well Alex,

Fogive me if I have already asked you this question, but have you been diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder)? If so, do you have your carry letter? If you do not have a carry letter and/or you have not been diagnosed as GID then I would suggest that you do not wear a binder to your job interview or represent as male. However, with that said there is no compelling reason why not to wear a binder if you are comfortable with appearing flat chested.

For what it is worth, I have gone on many an interview with male outerwear and female underwear repleate with tucking. So there you go.

Transitioning takes a long time and requires patience and focus. Take your time. It sounds like to me that the most realistic thing is to go to the job interview as yourself.

Always simply be yourself

Love

Brenda

[Guest Martin]

I would suggest that you wear whatever professional clothing makes you feel comfortable to your interview, no matter what you diagnosis and no matter if you have a carry letter or not. If going with a binder is too scary right now, don't do it. You don't have to do any of this right now. You can take as much time as you want and/or need. If going without a binder is too uncomfortable, wear it. Either way, it will not determine the course of the rest of your life. If you later feel more comfortable presenting as a girl, you can always go back to that. ALWAYS. Even if you've had surgeries and have taken hormones. Which is not to say you should take medical transitioning lightly, but you're not going there right now. You're just going to an interview for a job. If you want to use male restrooms and go by a male name, you'll have some explaining to do and realistically it may cost you the job (but not necessarily, there are just employers out there). If you just want to wear a binder, chances are no one will even ask. If anyone DOES ask why your chest is flat, tell them that is sexual harassment and that you'll report it if necessary.

The only way you'll figure out what's right for you is by trying things out and then reflecting on how that made you feel. You don't have to rush into anything, but you can go quickly if you'd like. It's up to you.

And I understand that that's scary and overwhelming. I'm there right now in trying to figure out what to do after I graduate from college. Everyone tells me that I don't have to decide the rest of my life, just what I'll do this next year. Still, I feel like everything I do has such enormous consequences, and I don't want to make a mistake. I want someone else to just tell me where to live and what to do. Well, I guess I don't because I want to live my own life, but I don't want to make these decisions all alone either. They seem like They're just too big. Tome feels like it's racing too fast for me to do all I need to do before I graduate, and yet it feels like it's so, so slow and I'm not making any progress towards any goals.

Yes, transitioning from one gender role to another is different than transitioning from college to whatever I'm doing afterwards, but the feelings are similar. You are not alone in this. EVERYONE feels like this at some point or another when they are faced with a major life decision, whether that be moving, transitioning, marrying, getting children, adjusting to a disability, or something else entirely.

So, my advice:

- Don't try to figure out the rest of your life right now. What do you want to do in this moment? Wear a binder or not? Wear a packer or not? Grow your hair out or cut it short? See a therapist or not? Go by what name? And so on. None of the above listed decisions is permanent and you can bounce back and forth as much as you need to. Eventually you'll figure out what feels right most of the time and can base longer-term decisions on that.

- Don't worry about if you are a "real" transsexual. Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. If they change, they are still valid, just different. Figure out what you need to be happy, not if you live up to some arbitrary standard.

- Don't worry about how fast or slow things are going if you can help it. Go your own speed.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Carolyn Marie, Brenda, Martin -

thank you so much, I'm not even going to begin to quote the comforting and useful things you've given me.

I wonder if it's normal to be so all over the place emotionally?!

I did wear my binder, and some fairly unisex clothes, so I'm not sure what she thought. No funny looks though, so either she's assuming I'm a girl, or assuming I'm a boy.

The stupid thing though is that I was so ... worried about this without A) seeing the importance of the fact I was so torn and seeing how unimportant the interview was.

; it turns out that, even if they want to hire me, the pay won't be sufficient for me to pay the rent et al., so it's a no-go either way.

A); so even though I cried myself to sleep last night wishing this all away the thought of being hired as a boy was too appealing to completely let go of that and go as a girl.

Martin; just doing what I want right now feels 'wrong,' though --- too impulsive, not well-thought through, too 'but-I-don't-know-the-consequences.'

[Guest Martin]

If that feels wrong to you, you don't have to do it.

I want to explain what I mean a little bit more so you might see where I'm coming from.

For me, it has helped me make the best decisions. If I don't try things out and don't listen to what I want on a daily basis, I can't make good decisions about longer-term things. That is not to say I ignore the consequences of my actions, but that I don't get frozen by the possible implications of an action that really is temporary. For example, buying more masculine clothes made me more comfortable, but did not endanger me in any way. It let me get some actual experience to see if the clothes would help me. Before I did it, I was worried everyone would now I was trans and it would ruin my life forever, but none of that actually happened. No one guessed from the clothes I wore. When I started wearing a binder to a support group, it didn't out me to the world, but allowed me to see how I felt with a flatter chest - something that let me figure out if chest surgery would really help me before making a mostly-permanent decision. In the same way, I tried out my new name in a few safe places and then in the whole of my life before I changed it legally so I would know if I actually liked it and could relate to it. And I understood that I could always change it back. I doubt I will. I doubt I'll ever "detransition" because transitioning has changed my life for the better in some many ways. But taking those first few steps was not the same thing as vowing I'd transition fully and never look back.

When I thought I had to prove that I was a transsexual before doing anything else, it caused an incredible amount of anxiety and self-doubt. I agonized over every gendered action I'd taken from childhood on, but that didn't actually provide any clarity. I failed to understand that there are many, many ways of being trans - and that there's a LOT of overlap in experience between cissexual women who go through tomboy stages, transgendered people who do not transition, transgendered people who do transition at least partially, and transsexual men who transition all the way. Of course there are differences, but virtually every experience or action can be taken by any of these people. Some cissexual women love sports while some transsexual men hate them. Some cissexual women have gone through stages where they've wished to be a boy or even to have a penis while some transsexual men are happy with their vaginas. Some people prefer the pronoun "she" yet take testosterone to feel more comfortable with their bodies while some people prefer "he" and identify as a man yet have no desire for testosterone. Those are all valid experiences. So trying to make sure your life fits THE transsexual narrative makes no sense because there is no ONE transsexual experience. There's only what you identify as and what you need to feel comfortable in your life.

And there's more than one way of figuring out what that is. Some try it and see, like I did for most of my transition. Others try to analyze their life to figure it out (I did this for bottom surgery successfully, and failed at doing so for the rest of transition). Others have gut-feelings or figure it out through prayer. Some see therapists, some don't. Same with support groups.

If any of these approaches sound like they'd work for you, use them. They're all valid. If you need a different approach altogether, use it. I'm not trying to pressure you into doing things my way, but sharing with you that I personally had to use a different approach to figure things out.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Martin, just - thank you, very much. Really, what you say rings true and valid to me.

The Just Try It - approach does appeal to me. For some reason this is what I tend to end up doing. In spite of doubts and 'dude don't go there' I do go there - meaning the psych, the GT, and the binder-shop (so to speak). Even though I go 'I can't believe I did that' afterwards, up to now everything's been OK.

Others try to analyze their life to figure it out (I did this for bottom surgery successfully, and failed at doing so for the rest of transition).

You mean look back at childhood, adolescence, et cetera?

I have a binder now, and I feel so comfortable with it. I did wear it to the job interview (with a semi-baggy shirt so as to not to overdo things), doubting till the last minute but figuring that _ thank you Brenda!!! _ I would be the most comfortable with it, and feel most like myself somehow. Weird. I don't know what the woman thought about my sex or gender, and it doesn't matter because I'm not going to take the job even if I'm offered it (too low pay). But I did not feel in any way uncomfortable or weird or afraid she'd think something weird about me. I was just Alex, whoever that may be.

I've only had the binder for a day, have only worn it half a day, and yeah. I think I'm gonna be hooked.

Martin, men's clothes are just... awesome, aren't they.

I wrote an elaborate post on this in my LJ and instead of it leading to the conclusion I'm a superficial girl who just likes men's wear I concluded that my desire to wear men's clothes but not with my female body (read; boobs ruining the silhouette) said something more significant --- I want to wear men's clothes, while having a man's body.

See - and this is how it works with me. Right now I feel fine, looking forward to going out with the binder (might go, cinema!), feeling comfortable, and the men's sweater I got yesterday. I would like to wear it to class Thursday and Mondey even though there's only 2 more classes of each course to go and it'd be last-minute weirdness, so to speak (I prob. won't see any of these people again afterwards), but --- I'd like to anyway. I'll see. The teachers both know about it.

Up - down - up - down - down - up - down - up - up - down - et cetera.

Guys/gals reading&responding, you are awesome and I am grateful. Thanks.