I Hear Wedding Bells, Or Do I. Who Knows?

[Guest Melisa]

Anyway,

My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She says she wants to marry me as a man though,not as a women. If I turn around and feel I have to go through with getting a sex change she says she would immediatly divorce me. Today she was commenting that I still shave my body and continue to grow my hair long; she wonders what's is up with that. Well to tell you the truth I love her so much and can't bear to lose her that I am seriosly contimplating just forgetting the whole thing and honoring her request. I don't know, this delemma is really messing my head up. I finally want to go through with transitioning and now this.

Melisa

[Guest April63]

Nobody here can tell you what to do. The choice is yours.

I would recommend that you sit down and think about what you really want in life. Think about what transitioning means to you. What does this girl mean to you? How will they contribute to you achieving what you want in life? This should help you find out what you want most.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

If you truly are a woman on the inside, you'll never be free of this. You can reject it all you want, but it will come back to bite you in the behind sometime. I've tried running myself. In the end, I got no where.

Besides, if your girl really loves you, she shouldn't make you choose between yourself or her. That's not fair. Try making her give something up important to her. I bet she'd consider that a deal-breaker.

.Anna

[Guest Erin Quinn]

I feel like I'm heading towards the state you're in Melisa, and I do wish you the best. I can only imagine how hard it is to be faced with that kind of decision, and while I wouldn't offer you specific advice, we're all here for you.

[Guest Sherry7620]

You are the only one to decide, but I would suggest the obvious; you are not ready to marry this person, for real.

[Carolyn Marie]

Melisa, I have to agree with Anna. If you are truly transsexual, then no amount of wishing and hoping and denial will make Melisa

disappear forever. She will come back some day and won't be denied. In the meantime, you may face years of misery living as

a person you really are not.

I speak from experience, Melisa. I purged after getting serious with my wife-to-be and didn't want to risk losing her by telling her my

secret. That was 20 years ago. Now I am facing transition at the age of 55. I wish I had been honest with her, and honest with

myself back then. I would almost certainly have been happier all these years if I had.

You have to do what is in your mind and in your heart, Melisa. No one can tell you what to do. All we can tell you is that you cannot

hide forever from yourself, if the real you is truly female.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest foxy]

Melisa, I have to agree with Anna. If you are truly transsexual, then no amount of wishing and hoping and denial will make Melisa

disappear forever. She will come back some day and won't be denied. In the meantime, you may face years of misery living as

a person you really are not.

I speak from experience, Melisa. I purged after getting serious with my wife-to-be and didn't want to risk losing her by telling her my

secret. That was 20 years ago. Now I am facing transition at the age of 55. I wish I had been honest with her, and honest with

myself back then. I would almost certainly have been happier all these years if I had.

You have to do what is in your mind and in your heart, Melisa. No one can tell you what to do. All we can tell you is that you cannot

hide forever from yourself, if the real you is truly female.

Carolyn Marie

i agree with carolyn. if your girlfriend truly loves you, then she'll want you to be happy no mater what you look like. love is in the mind and heart. not what is on the outside.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Anyway,

My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She says she wants to marry me as a man though,not as a women. If I turn around and feel I have to go through with getting a sex change she says she would immediatly divorce me. Today she was commenting that I still shave my body and continue to grow my hair long; she wonders what's is up with that. Well to tell you the truth I love her so much and can't bear to lose her that I am seriosly contimplating just forgetting the whole thing and honoring her request. I don't know, this delemma is really messing my head up. I finally want to go through with transitioning and now this.

Melisa

Melisa, to be honest once you let this genii out of the bottle there is no way you can shove it back in. YMMV but i found, even before hormones, that the more of the old me I peeled away the faster things happened. It would seem to me that you and she are growing in opposite directions, I think that a good heart to heart is called for along with maybe both of you seeng counselors. Beyond this I really cant offer much in the line of advice.

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Mellisa

These are just a few questions you need to answer for yourself.

Do you honestly feel like a woman?

How important is it for you to transition?

Are you happy at all as a man?

Do you think you can spend the next 20 to 40 years married to this woman as a man?

How deeply ingrained is your desire to transition, is it like an addiction that you can't shake?

Can you spend the rest of your life without wanting to be a woman?

Is it at all fair for her to ask you to turn away from your transition?

Does she realize that this is setting you and her up for problems through out the marriage?

I had to ask myself these questions several times throughout my life and I knew at the deepest levels of my soul that I was female. I knew that I would of destroyed my marriage and our lives if I had of gotten married and decided to transition later. What about any children you may have will this be fair to them to have their daddy become a woman in their lifetime especially when the two of you already knew you had gender issue's. I can't tell you what to do. But I know if you are transsexual that your marriage is doomed from the start, with your girlfriend asking you to give up your transition. I honestly think she is being selfish by asking you to change your mind about this, I also know if you are a true transsexual your mind can not be changed even for love. It is just not possible to do that. Why do you think we have to transition? Because it's easier to change the body to match the mind than it is to change the mind to match the body.

Please think about this real well, because your sanity and piece of mind are what is at risk here. You are already on the road to transition and you've made this evident to her and to make a detour now may just be the undoing of who and what you truly are.

I hope all works out for you.

Charlene Leona

[Guest yvonne]

Anyway,

My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She says she wants to marry me as a man though,not as a women. If I turn around and feel I have to go through with getting a sex change she says she would immediatly divorce me. Today she was commenting that I still shave my body and continue to grow my hair long; she wonders what's is up with that. Well to tell you the truth I love her so much and can't bear to lose her that I am seriosly contimplating just forgetting the whole thing and honoring her request. I don't know, this delemma is really messing my head up. I finally want to go through with transitioning and now this.

Melisa

Melisa,

You've received some great advice so far and here's a few thoughts for you.

First off, it looks to me like your girlfriend wants to change you through marriage. She knows you've been to a therapist, she knows you've been diagnosed as GID, she knows you've been recommended by a professional for HRT. Right? She knows?

If she knows all these things, then what else could she possibly desire out of the marriage than to expect or hope that the marriage would change you (or "cure" you)?

Based on some of your other posts I've read, you've dealt with these feelings for many years and finally sought professional help for them or sought help more than once.

I don't know about you and your feelings, but I've buried, denied, pushed back, suppressed, repressed and tried to escape mine for 50 years and it didn't work. It only got worse as time went on.

I had to finally accept the fact that it was so serious as to threaten my own health and well-being. AFTER I accepted it and embraced it, all the inner conflicts are GONE, all the awful compulsions and stress are GONE and I have a mental peace I've only dreamed of.

I've been very happily married for over 30 years and the real key to a very happy and successful marriage is to accept EVERYTHING about your spouse, just as they are. You can't change a thing and if your expectations are to change another person, the marriage is doomed to failure. A dog is a dog and no matter how hard you try, you just can't change them into a cat.

I would never recommend anyone marry anyone else who wants to change them, ESPECIALLY something as serious as GID. I think your girlfriend needs to learn a whole lot more about what she's really getting herself into, because it looks to me like she thinks this is a hobby or something.... Honey, this ain't model airplanes....

Yvonne

[Guest angie]

Anyway,

She says she wants to marry me as a man though,not as a women.

If I turn around and feel I have to go through with getting a sex change she says she would immediatly divorce me.

Well to tell you the truth I love her so much and can't bear to lose her that I am seriosly contimplating just forgetting the whole thing and honoring her request.

I don't know, this delemma is really messing my head up. I finally want to go through with transitioning and now this.

Melisa

I married the girl/woman I was deeply in love with,foresaking my want to transition early in life.

After twenty three years together, and two children,my woman was coming wether I wanted her

to or not.You may put her on a shelf,deny who you truly know you are...But,it will only be for a

time,years,maybe decades,She Will Be Back.Stronger more insistent than ever, to have her day

in the sun. Think Seriously...Do you love you girlfriend enough to put her through the trauma of

you one day having to follow your heart and becoming the woman you all ready know you are?

Or to take the hit and hurt now,tell her your inner woman is who you are,she is not going away,to say she is forever for the sake of love,will only cause immense pain for the both of you in the end.

The voice of decades of experience,after putting my woman on hold for a lifetime.

Angelique

[Sally]

Dear Melisa,

I am no authority on relationships, not by a long shot but i am aware of the feelings that we have as transsexual women have and the need for transitioning.

You are the only one who can decide which is the stronger need, life in constant conflict between mind and body with no resolution or life without this particular woman.

It really is just that simple, there are always other people but only one you.

I hope that you can find a way to manage both, good luck.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest julia_d]

Divorce.. write it big and think about the implications. You can't be a woman married to a woman, not in the legal sense. To fully transition (as in all the way, changed details on birth records etc). Take a straw poll of how many members have horror stories of broken marriages and broken families, financial ruin and great personal suffering. Add me to the list.

Some people are very lucky and find supportive partners who accept there will most likely be a need to divorce and to then take up a same sex marriage.. but they are the very lucky ones. You have to ask the question which tells me that you are not no way no how ready for marriage. You will change and there isn't much anybody can do about it. Being tide to somebody who has already stated very clearly that they will not accept you for who you are sounds like a huge mistake.

Speaking purely for myself if I had heard that from the person I married 20 years ago they would have been history from that day, instead they lied to me and it changed nothing except 2 years of a horror story marriage then 5 years forced separation legally and financially tied together and unable to move on. It scarred me mentally for life. It has taken 15 years for me to start to trust another person enough to build a new relationship, and even now the horrors come back sometimes.

If you want my advice (freely given and from bitter personal experience) Walk away. Walk away now and never look back. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey....I'm have to move over to the "Don't deny it!" line...

I,too, waited for the sake of a love in my life...

I'm transitioning now at 60, but we'll survive this ....which only leads me to believe I could of done it years ago....

Your inner woman won't go away....oh, you may be able to back burrned it for a long amount of time, but she'll be back for you with a vengence...

You need to think about this long and hard!

A sit down is in order with her on this...

And, yes, a woman can be married to a woman in this country...the marriage is based on birth gender at the time of marriage...and you change latter...it's never been challenged in this country!

I wish you lock, Honey...affairs of the heart are hard and you'll have to make some hard decisions!

Good luck, Baby!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Hon

I have an Idea for you, write up a pre-nup that say's if your wife divorces you because of GID and you desire, need to transition or transitioning to a woman that she will be responsible for all cost related to divorce and that she will have no rights to any of your assets and she has to leave with exactly what she brought into the marriage. If she will sign it I would possibly consider marrying her but if she refuses walk no run away.

This is just a suggestion but I don't think she will sign it because in her heart she sees a breakup of the marriage as inevitable.

Like I said this is just an idea and suggestion, I'm not telling you to do it. Another thing someone said earlier. I would never marry someone who wants me to change who I am. They either accept me for who I am or they need to leave. If you are afraid you will not find someone after you transition, don't be. I am with my best friend and we love the world out of each other. What's wild is we were best friends three years before I came out and started my transition.

Take care and really think this out.

Charlene Leona

[Guest viv]

Hi Melissa,

Theres a common denominator running through all the replies here, Transsexualism stays with you

for life. Unless your girlfriend is willing to accept you transitioning there is only heartbreak for you both.

Gender Reassignment is difficult enough, imagine same only with an unhappy/unhelpful wife to* contend with*

Yes , contention, if she does"nt want you to go ahead now,believe me she could wave a bigger stick when

married. One of our sisters mentioned a pre nup. way to go hun imo too. Sorry to be so negative , just hate

to see a sister put through the mincer. My thoughts are with you , luv ,viv

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Melissa, I am going to echo the common theme here and add a few things of my own. I am 51 years old and have had issues all of my life with being a more effeminate male than any of my partners wanted. I tried to repress who I was, tried living the male lie and doing tough physical work to prove my manhood to myself but where did it get me; depressed, lonely, angry, hating myself, hating the world, wondering what it took to be "normal".

Finally 8 years into my third marriage, April of this year, I couldnt take it any more. I got diagnosed as GID then came the hell of telling my wife and our daughter. All Hell broke loose, I got accused of being selfish, of not thinking of others, and let me tell you there is nothing quite as painfull as sitting at one computer while your wife prints out a do it yourself divorce kit from her laptop. Then the headache and heartache of sitting down and trying to figure out the asset split.

Your inner woman may well get to the point where tyou have two choices, transition or die, the words are brutal but many of the ladies here can echo that sentiment or versions of it. Ultimately what you do with your life and relationship is up to you but please consider the advice we have given, many of us have been through the hell, seen marriages break up, lost family and other loved ones. Some have managed to salvage the marriage but those are rare. Of 7 kids I only have one who fully accepts my transition 1 wants nothing to do with me, 1 will talk to me but refuses to use the right name and pronouns and 3 are kinda yeah so what; ambivalent is the word I like for them.

How much heart ache are you willing to put yourself, your future wife and any possible kids through? If she is threatening your future marriage if you continue your transition she is showing little regard for you, your wants, needs, and desires. Like others have said she maybe hoping to cure you but that is a route that is doomed to fail. Then will likely come the anger, recriminations, accusations and everything that many of us have been through and would so love to spare a sister from.

The choice remains yours

I might recommend that you ask your GF if she will join here and talk to the other SO's they can fill her in on what happens and how pointless her attempt to drive you straight is going to be. She might also learn from the rest of us here about the realities of the conditition.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Melisa,

You have been given some really great advice so far, so let me just offer two scenarios from someone who has been through marriage and divorce and marriage and has some strong desires.

Your girlfriend knows of your desires, which is a positive right there. At least she isn't going into this blind. But let's say, you take the loving relationship choice, and you do get married. It can be done, you can repress your desires. You won't be totally happy, but maybe she can give you enough love to overcome that. Especially when you both decide to have children.

But just suppose like for practically every other tg person, your desires don't go away. And you start to act on them in one of many different manners. At best your wife will be disappointed because she might have thought she 'cured' you. At worst, she will become dissatisfied with you and unfortunately that leads to unpleasant consequences. And if you do have a lengthy marriage and children, it will only lead to a lot of frustration for you of what might have been. And you will be torn, and that won't be the best thing for you, your marriage, your wife, your possible children.

This is a huge decision for you. Think about it a lot before you make a choice.

And whatever choice, understand the possible consequences, learn to deal with them, and work on being happy about yourself. That's the first thing.

I hope for the best for you, whatever choice you make.

Hugs

Chloë