Once Again I'm Lost..

[Guest chelsy123]

Hi all...I'm here again. I'm so lost and atm, I cannot go to a therapist at all unless I come out to my mom which is way too hard to do.

I have a few questions for you all (if ya don't mind answering them of coarse!), but first I'll give you some history about me so things may, hopefully, be more clear.

I never thought at first I was a girl. When I was young I played with boys, thought girls were icky etc. I liked to play with dinosaurs, Spider-Man action figures, and trucks. I was a typical boy. Around the age of 11 I put on a pair or panties for the first time, and I loved it. It was my first time "doing the deed"...i don't know if I am allowed to say ejaculation on here..plz cencor that if it's against the rules/possible. I hated myself for it; i was taught that a boy should wear boy things and a girl should wear girl things. I was off and on wearing panties (and after a month or 2, bras as well) and when I was "In the mood" I would wear them. After..the deed was done..my body felt different and I felt repulsive for what I did. I also painted my nails and wore some make up from time to time. Anyways, I wore them for 2 years (in and out) and then I stopped because I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for doing that.

4 years passed. I had dreams of me trying on girl clothes, especialy the underwear. I did, however, maintained the urge to wear them. After a bad run in with a girl I liked (she really hurt me), I recovered and became confident that I should do what I want with myself. I started wearing panties and bra's again, but this time I wanted to wear more girl clothes and make up again. I started slowly transitioning from underwear, to sleepwear to clothes such as dresses, skirts, high heals and shirts. I started to shave my legs as well (it looks a lot nicer than hairy legs, but the origional idea was to look more femenine). Recently I've started to paint my toe nails ( I just painted them hot pink last night , they look really cute). I'm having urges to wear a wig to complete the look as well.

Hmm, as for my personality (where most of the questions will be based on), I'm more sensetive than most guys. I'm very caring and I try my best not to hurt others. I like to joke around, have serious convo, and just have fun. I was bullied from grade 4-8 so that left me with a lot of self-esteme issues and the pressure to fit in for ahwile. I am working on those, and i've come a long way . I'm not one of the popular kids in high school, but I do socialize (i know popularity status doesn't matter, I'm just trying to give all the info that may help ), and I also have more girl friends compaired to guy friends ( about 75% of my friends are girls, and I always relate to them better than my guy friends. I find a lot of guy friends are aggresive and rarely/dont talk about their feelings). I've started to think that maybe I'm a MtF but idk..i've had urges when I was young to be a girl (but those could be sexually related) and recently I've wanted to be a girl for a mixture of reasons. But then, someday's I'm fine with being a guy. It's so very confusing when one day you want your body to look one way, while the next you want it to be the other...

ANYWAYS (ty to those who took the time to read all that!), can someone answer some of these questions for me? (I like a lot of feedback, so if someone has already answered it, please don't hesitate to share your ideas!):

1- How do you know if you are " a girl trapped in a female's body".

2- Is it possible that I want to feel like a boy some days to fit the social norms? Maybe, if I didn't fear being teased I would want to dress/act more femenine

3- If the top reason isn't a yes, then why esle may I feel like i want to be a girl sometimes?

4- Can any of you relate to how I feel?

I know you guys aren't therapists, but I'd like some input . It would just be nice to see how others who have gone through transgenderism/cd'ing have dealt with it and if my feelings are those of a cd or a tg. I am so lost as to how to feel right now, like if someone could help me find the answer it would truly be bliss and a load off my shoulders . Just comment, I don't expect anyone to have the answers to everything. ty for taking the time to read this long post =s. If you need glasses because of it, I'll buy you some ! (albeit they will be the googly eye glasses though hehe )!

[Guest chelsy123]

ohh silly me..i forgot to tell ya why I dress

1- The clothes feel softer usually, and are tighter (I like a bit of a snug feeling, but not too tight!)

2-I do love to get in touch with my femenine side

3-Sexual appeal, yes to a degree. I'm a straight guy so when I wear some of the more cute/sexy undies I get turned on slightly by it

4-I feel really sexy. I don't know..this one is somewhat hard to elaborate. I feel cute or something that a girl may feel when she wears something very attractive

5- I like the looks , and the different types of clothes (dresses, skirts, bra's, pantyhose..etc.)

sorry I forgot all about these

[Guest April63]

You sound a lot like me, except I've never dressed before. I don't know why you feel the way you do, but here's some insight on me.

I feel fine as a guy at times, but at other times, I want to be a girl. I think it is because at some times I don't put emphasis on my body or gender, and thus it doesn't really matter. But if I start to think about that, I begin to feel kind of left out, because I don't have the features that I wish I did. I guess part of it is just a balancing act between the desire to be female, and how we are actually physically male. I don't really know. I'm still confused as to why it works this way. I don't know why I want to be a girl. I wish I did!

[Guest chelsy123]

I think we are all brainwashed into our "gender roles". Guys are not allowed to show emotion, while girls have to overflow with it. Just think of all the male/female steriotypes. Here is the thing I ponder a lot though..Where do you draw the line of being able to accept yourself for what body you have and acting how you want to/wear what you want , and then needing to become the opposite sex. Like I could accept the fact that I want to feel femenine often..but what about the idea of wanting to be a girl 0.0? Is it for the parts, or for other reasons...It's all so confusing...If only we knew why, it would save us a lot of headaches I know that's a fact -.-. lol

But ty for your input

[Guest Misa]

I have feelings very similar to you Chelsy. You say your 'straight' and you have had a g/f, so maybe your just a lesbian! I'm probably sure that confuses you also, as I'm attracted to both sexes, initially made me think I was a bisexual man... but then why did I keep re-searching gender identity disorder, why did I envy women so much to the point of wanting to run off and cry (I'm a chef, and work around some very gorgeous waitress that I am so jealous off).

Some how, some way you need to speak to a therapist, or a counselor, behind the parents back if you have to. Because the feelings are get stronger, and more confusing. You just never know, sometimes I'm OK with having a male appendage in my pants... it's useful for some things... then other days, I wish it was gone so so so bad.

Well, I'm trans, and I have a g/f... and she loves me for who I am... but life is rough... she is young... I don't expect her to hang around forever. Just do what you know you need to to Chelsy, be yourself, and just roll with punches.

Misa Xo

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Chelsy,

I think by your first question - How do you know if you are " a girl trapped in a female's body" - you mean 'girl trapped in a male's body.'

I thought that for a long time about myself, because early on in my readings people used that phrase a lot. I now think of it more as there is girl inside me that wants to come out at times. But unlike multiple personalities, this girl is still me. It's just that it happens not every moment.

A few months ago, we had a discussion of this thing called a 'pink fog' (you can find it here - http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...howtopic=11301) which many of us crossdressers and transgendered people feel comes over us at times. When these desires just seem to almost overwhelm us, and yet, they come and go, at no regular interval and certainly cannot be controlled.

Maybe in your case, you still want to show your male side to fit social norms, I can't tell you about that, because I think the reason we do things is very individual and different for each person. And you'll just have to explore those feelings yourself or with a qualified therapist when you can.

I will say tho, that here on Laura's, among the stated cross-dressers and those that do but call themselves slightly differently like I do, the feelings and desires range across a very broad spectrum of desires, and actions.

Why do we do it? It's pretty much the way we are, and probably we were born with it. For some, it comes out really early like 3,4, or 5. For others it comes a little later. But once we realize it and understand it, we also realize it will be with us for life. Where we go with it is something we all have to deal with on a continuing basis.

Hope this helps a little.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest chelsy123]

a girl trapped in a female's body" - you mean 'girl trapped in a male's body.'

<---yeah hehe that's what I ment..ty for understanding my horrific grammer!

Misa..lately I dunno...You described the urge to cry when you see a woman; I'm getting to that point (but without the tears, yet anyways). I look at some girls and I think they are so beautiful. Recently I wanted the VS 2009 show and the models there were so beautiful...not just in a sexual manner..but just them. I kinda was jellous, I don't know it's quite hard to explain =s.

thanks guys for your post, and right after I type this post out I'm gonna read the link you gave me Chloe! TY for it

One last thing...I've noticed on this thread that many people say hugs after their posts...I've wanted to do that for a bit but...something is stopping me? I feel..not so much afraid but hesitated to do so..although I want to? Maybe I am repressing my "girl within me", cause I view that as quite a feminine thing to say. I also want to hug people sometimes..like my sister for being supportive of what she assumes is my crossdressing..but I feel like I shouldn't for some reason (not out of regreting feelings because I really mean them..but maybe out of fear of what she may think?).Sigh..that therapist is gonna come in handy once I get in contact with one..Sorry for rambling on! It helps me to type out what I'm thinking sometimes !

HUUUGGSS ! <---I fought the hesitation

[Sally]

HUUUGGSS ! <---I fought the hesitation

You are doing better already!

Now learn to fight that hesitation with your sister - give her a hug, she is supportive and deserves one.

Donna Jean has been working on me for well over a year to open up more, I have been signing 'Love ya' from the beginning - it seemed feminine and friendly but fairly safe - now I mean it on so many more levels than just a friendly gesture, I do care so much for everyone here and that is my way of saying it - it is for me a hug and a kiss if you need one, it just says - I care!

Allow your emotions to surface you will feel so much better.

Love ya, (Now you know what I mean by that)

Sally

[Guest chelsy123]

I see what ya mean Sally ty for praising me for fighting my hesitation. Maybe in the past I haven't been so confident, so I was afraid to paint a target on my back because of those few people who would insult me over saying that. But what you've said encourages me to continue fighting those hesitations, thanks !

Love you <--- lol that really felt good to say! I really care for what you said and expressing myself to a full extent of my feelings, instead of saying a mere ty, really makes me feel good !

[Guest Dana M]

1- How do you know if you are " a girl trapped in a male's body"

It's hard to explain. My instincts, if you will, tell me so. It just feels absolutely right to be a girl and absolutely wrong to be a guy.

2- Is it possible that I want to feel like a boy some days to fit the social norms? Maybe, if I didn't fear being teased I would want to dress/act more femenine

Freud said the superego can adjust your desires via repression to fit social standards. Read up on psychology. It helped me a lot. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego,_and_super-ego

3- If the top reason isn't a yes, then why esle may I feel like i want to be a girl sometimes?

It is possible that you are repressing your true self due to social anxiety.

4- Can any of you relate to how I feel?

Soon after I realized I am a girl, a tidal wave of doubt hit me. I reckoned it was impossible for it to happen to me. I did some deep meditation and contemplated my entire life. I soon realized that since I can remember, the only urges I had to be masculine were external. That is, to please society. My family, my friends, my peers all pressured me to be masculine but I never felt the urges within myself. I spent a lot of time in isolation so I could dig out my deepest desires without interference from external influences. I found a whole new personality. Without my drug dealing friends spouting off about how stupid they think women are, I found that I am a very gentle, caring person. I didn't want to sell drugs or do armed robbery anymore. Now I feel bad about insulting someone while before I wouldn't have cared if I ran someone over. In my experience, it is very possible to repress your true self and create a personality that fits in with your surroundings. The trick is to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being unique or different. When you see that society has no right to determine who you are, you can't repress anymore.