So Am I Going To Be An Ugly Broad?

[Guest yvonne]

Hello Special Family,

I've been reading a lot recently about many of us who have a real fear of transition because we genuinely don't want to become an ugly broad. I was in this group for decades. I was very muscular, broad shoulders and a very handsome man, if I do say so. I just couldn't picture me as anything other than a man in a dress and a very ugly broad (extremely negative term used on purpose).

I've come to realize that that fear is one of the reasons I couldn't accept the reality of my situation. That fear kept this girl locked up, fighting and scratching to get out. My insides got pretty bloody over time and she took her toll. Many of you have the same story.

At the encouragement of many kind sisters here, I've begun to pay more attention to natal women and realize now they really come in all shapes and configurations. Each is as beautiful as they think and act. I know some near-runway models who are really nasty people inside and it shows like a beacon.

I've read the stories of many sisters here who say they pass with ease with dimensions that seem difficult to comprehend as females. They sound more like defensive tackles on a Super Bowl team.

Let's look at the word F.E.A.R.----

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

F.E.A.R. It can make us do strange, irrational things.

As I look forward with great anticipation to my first Doctor appointment and (hopefully) my first prescription, I must admit I'm scared to death and I don't scare easily. I'm scared about how I'll ultimately look, I'm scared little kids will chase me down the street, taunting me, I'm scared I'll lose everything I've worked for all my life that I hold precious and dear.

We all have 2 basic choices---bottle it up, risking death, or let it out, risking a box under a bridge. Gee, which door do I want?

After reading these forums for many months, I have to go with "let it out". I've decided that this is no different than being born all over again and I'm not referring to a religious experience, but rather being a little kid and wondering how we'll look "when we grow up". We never got to choose last time, why should this be any different. Many of us with sisters can simply look at our sisters to get an idea, others with brothers, well never mind....

I've seen too many good looking women's pictures here to allow F.E.A.R to grip me any longer. I'm on the high diving board and I'm going to welcome that first step the best I can and emerge from the water below as the beautiful woman I've kept inside all these years. I'll deal with how I look and focus on how I'll feel and I feel wonderful since I've accepted myself.

So, quit asking dumb questions about height, weight, shoe size, facial structure, hair loss, hairy chests and beer guts. Look within and make the only choice you know is right for you. Let that girl out and be proud.

Babygirl for now,

Yvonne

I'm gonna grow up to be Lynn Conway!

[Guest angie]

Babygirl,

Seven years ago there was no way I could have been convinced

I would become an attractive,easily passable woman.In truth,if one

can find a support group,you can see the true face of trans women.

We aren't all beauties,or tiny little things.The majority I have become

aquainted with or befriended,have all been big girls.We come from all

walks of life,blue collar to corporate executives,lawyers and doctors.

It doesn't matter how you look on the outside,given time living in role,

will make it so that all anyone does see is a woman period.I have known

very sucessful ladies,one our group founder,was a whooping 6"6" and a

retired highly decorated Special Forces Vet.It doesn't matter your background,

it is finding the personal strength to be your true self that counts.

Angelique

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yvonne.....

Let me tell you something......

SHhhhh secret...

For many years I came this close (*holds finger and thumb together*) to doing it...I was so driven...

But, much to my dismay, I'd look in the mirror and say..."There's no way that I could ever pass...."

And I'd jump up and down on it until it was deeply burried again...until it was back ....

And it ALWAYS came back!

This last time it happened to me so hard and my bell rang so loudly that I didn't care how I turned out...I had to be true to myself...

And much to my amazement I can pass....!!!!

Where'd THAT come from???

I proved it this fall ....24/7 for a week...female...

And now I get ma'an'd every weekend shopping...

I guess that I'm saying...don't be like I was and deny yourself....Accept who you truly are and everything else will fall inhto place...

Trust me on this.....OK?

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Emily_MI]

I know it is hard now but confidence is KEY for making yourself beautiful and passable. One of my biggest fears is not being able to pass and even though I am still VERY early in my transition phase I still have a lot of faith in myself to make my dream come true and for me to become the Woman that I am suppose to be. You just need to believe in yourself and it will happen for you.

[Guest ChloëC]

Years ago, when there was so little available about tg people, and even less being said, there was an article in Playboy (yeah, I read that, and looked at the pictures, too!) about tg. It was a typical Pb article, slightly pandering, full of personal stories. But what I came away from that was the lead drawing which was a cartoon drawing, not an 'airbrushed' photo (which I'm sure they all were), and it depicted some factory/tradesman type worker, balding, unshaven, beer-belly, very hirsute, basically unkempt, sitting in an oversized chair, watching tv in a tiny house with a wife and bickering kids in the background, drinking a beer, and smoking a cigar and wearing a frilly nightgown (I think with boxers visible underneath) and possibly some overdone makeup. I apologize to anyone like that, but that! was ugly. And the obvious implication was that at least tv or cd people were like that, and I (you) surely didn't want to be that. (later when either Pb or Playgirl did a pictorial on Canary Conn, they had her hold a cigar too. I think Pb in general is far more fetish then they try to appear to be)

Over the years, I've looked at women a lot, to see how they walk, act, hold themselves, etc., and maybe I have Jack Black's affliction in Shallow Hal, but I've seen very, very, very few less then attractive women. Not all were Las Vegas showgirl (or back alley burlesque) gorgeous, but attractive in some basic way. And to me it's how they hold themselves, interact with others around them. Attractiveness, to me at least, is, - That person looks interesting, I think I would like to get to know him or her.

And I can see it here on Laura's. There are so many transitioning mtf that embody that trait, or are working on it, whether they realize it or not. (I haven't thought about it as much, but I suspect it's also true for ftm).

Be who you are, learn to feel comfortable and be positive about things. Care about yourself. Care about others. People who are sincere will see the real you, and will find you attractive.

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest Melisa]

yvonne;

I'm hopping to start HRT pretty soon as well. I have been wrestling with this topic for many many years: If I will look like a real women, would I just look like a complete fool,etc. But I'm going to do it this time, and there's no stopping me. I might ad that talking to the ladies on this site and hearing what they had to say greatly helped me.

Love

Melisa

[Guest viv]

Hi hun, Its viv.

I was at a Trans meet last night. One of my peers was in "male mode", the last time I saw her

was at the Remembrance Night re our murdered sisters. It was the first time I saw her dressed (or proper)

and I walked by her , 2 reasons for that , first , did not recognise her, second , she looked just like any

other woman I might have seen that day. The sister Im talking about weighs about 210 pounds is 5ft. 8 tall

broad"ish shoulders , hrt is starting to soften her facial features. Thing is , with wig, make up and a nice

outfit one can easily pass . I feel it is very important to be accurate when we are giving our sisters our

opinion re how they look /do they pass, to be kind in comment may not be kind in fact . Yvonne, there are

only a few Trans women out there who ""dont pass"" for one reason or another but facts are facts , most

of us do , and very successfully at that, my heart goes out to those that dont as they struggle with their

difficulties, I actually find it too difficult to talk further re same (I know one) ,I swear to you hun, I cry for her.

I cant wait to put my pic up on our (LAURA"S) forum with my wonderful sisters, including you Yvonne .

I cant wait to be spending my days in the loveliness and comfort of my femininity ,oh those sunny days sis,

those sunny days. Thank you for your post my sister, Luv,viv

[Guest krisspykriss]

For decades I would dress up nice and pretty then look in the mirror and see... a guy with makeup on. I let that image of me being a guy in drag hold me back for years. It is amazing what HRT can do. Sure it isnt a miracle worker, but it does far more subtle changes than I ever realized. Between that and a little FFS, I am slowly becoming not just more passable, but even kinda cute.

It can be hard for us to see ourselves the same way others do. Heck, everyone sees you a little differently. So I understand the procrastination. I did as well. In the long run it will turn out great for you I am sure.

hugz,

Chrissy

[Sally]

Yvonne,

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more useless than a mirror for a trans woman - she has no need for it - she has every flaw memorized.

I am one of those individuals of line backer or actually lineman proportions and I was with Donna Jean for that week and one seeing her, I knew that she could pass with no trouble and we had Elizabeth K with us and while 6' 2" a striking woman, very attractive and then there was me, big old fat Sally with her gray hair blowing in the wind and feeling like the ugly duckling with these two swans but who was it that the man came over to talk to, and who was it that the waiter flirted with at dinner - it was me!

I had decided when I went that I was going to do this and I lost all of my fears and inhibitions because I was with my best friends on this planet, the man and the waiter sow me as a very friendly and happy lady, I was then and I am now once again.

I wasn't thinking will I pass I was thinking, how can I get a picture of Elvis' airplanes without paying to get inside that wall.

I never thought about anything, my walk, gestures or voice - I was just me and guess what I pass!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AshleyRF]

People with perceive you as you perceive yourself. If you think you are nothing but a man in a dress, then that is how you will be seen. If you think you are a perfectly normal looking woman, then you will be seen as such. Passing is 90% attitude and 1% looks. The other 9% is for you to figure out on your own because all women are different.

I will say that if anyone is transitioning and hoping to look like a supermodel, then you are probably going to be highly disappointed. It's extremely rare that genetic girls are supermodel status so we have even less chance. You will honestly eat yourself up inside if you are seeking that kind of "perfection". I went through a phase where I thought if I didn't look like someone like Meghan Fox, then I wasn't a real, attractive, woman. I finally came to the realization that Nobody Looks Like That. She doesn't even look like she does in movies and photo shoots. Just accept yourself as the woman you are and don't worry about the small stuff..... no one else notices the small stuff, why should you?

[Guest julia_d]

Mirrors.. grah.. a tool used to check hair and makeup and a quick glance before going outside.. I have no use for the other functions.

even supermodels don't look the airbrushed perfection.. check the gossip rags for details of bad acne and birthmarks and cellulite.. nothing to worry about, If you live somewhere like I do you will look as good if not better than 60% of the GG's in your age group anyway.

[Paula ult]

If you saw my picture in 2007 you would have said there is no way i could pass, but 18 months hormones does wonders, as others have said it is 90% confidence, in the beginning i was self conscious and convinced everyone was looking at me, but as time went on i gained that confidence and i am now living and working full time and have my name legally changed.

Yes i have wide shoulders, large hands and am pretty hefty, to me i am just another woman doing her shopping and those that do not know me see that too, however those that knew him still have his image stored in their brain and i suspect it will be awhile till it fades and they just see Paula.

Paula

[Guest NatashaJade]

When I was early in therapy, I told my shrink that I could never be happy as a woman because "Gin is a 5'1" elf-girl". Yes, the magically transformed me that I dreamed of waking up as was this fantasy creature. My therapist told me that she would give anything to be 6" taller and curvy. She said all women want to be someone else in some way but we have to live with what we were born with. I really thought about that. A lot. It was that thing that made me say to myself that the wall of manly attributes I have been cursed with can be softened and changed enough so that I can be a woman, a large framed woman, yes, but a woman. So I'm not an elf-girl. At least I can reach the top shelf unassisted

Seeing all the brave women here and reading all the bios and statements and just seeing how the journey is so transformative gives me so much hope...we can do this and be what we were supposed to be. It's work, but ask any woman and she will tell you how much work it is. Being a man is easy.

[Guest SusanKG]

Thank you to Yvonne for the post and your continuing insight into your situation and how you are dealing with it. Thank you to all the ladies for the encourging responses to Yvonne. I bet this helps many others that read it; I know it helps and inspires me greatly. Having the internet has done much to eliminate the isolation so many of us have been locked in for all these years; giving us an E.T. moment - we are not alone. I know of no survey, but my slightly optimistic nature (darkened considerably by opening my eyes every day) feels that there may be fewer of us suffering the unanswered screaming despiration of medical abandonment and mispractice, family and societal ostracizement, and particularly, self-loathing due to ignorance or religious intolerance. (Darkened considerably?? I've got to stop listening to D. Cheney!) I'm sorry about that, everyone was doing so well, then along came Susie. I appologize, and end repeating: Thank you.

SusanKG

[Guest SusanKG]

Just a quick comment. When I typed my previous comment, the filter changed D*** Cheney to Penis Cheney, an appropriate change, but not what I had in mind. At that moment. FOFLMAO! Which I obviously needed!

SusanKG

[Carolyn Marie]

Just a quick comment. When I typed my previous comment, the filter changed D*** Cheney to Penis Cheney, an appropriate change, but not what I had in mind. At that moment. FOFLMAO! Which I obviously needed!

SusanKG

Yup, Susan, you were the victim of the dreaded automatic word filter. The word in question is often used as a pejorative description of the male organ and

deemed to be inappropriate, so it changed the word to the more clinically accurate version. It's happened to all of us at one time or another, usually to great

comic effect. The word b a l l s is in there too.

You are officially a member of the word filter "gotcha" club!

Carolyn Marie