An Odd Way Of Coming Out?

[Guest Janessa]

Just today seemed like hell for a while, because one of my friends told the school counselor I am transgender. They had a conversation with me, in front of my mom, and I had to sign something allowing them to talk to my therapist. So my mom knows now, whether I want her too or not; thankfully she doesn't seem to hate me or be angry at me about this. I still have not, and probably will not, come out to my dad though.

I'm not angry at my friend, but I really wish she wouldn't have done that. I think she just wanted to help me be happy though; if she was trying to hurt me I think she would've told other kids and people like that that can only hurt me rather than help me, which that possibility(whether they mean badly or not) is why I'm waiting till I graduate to tell more of my friends. ><

Also I am not really depressed by this(I actually feel somewhat relieved as odd as that probably sounds) so no need to worry about that. =p I actually feel lucky for once, as I finally came out and I'm not in any danger of getting kicked out of my home.(hopefully) =x

Did anyone else here come out in an odd way like this? I mostly hear of people gaining the courage to tell their parents, rather than someones parents finding out without them doing anything.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Wow, Janessa....

That was something!

All a big ball of stuff....

Your friend told=bad

She was trying to help=good

They told your mom=bad

Your mom didn't get mad=good

You're outed=bad

You don't feel bad about it=good

What the heck?

No, it didn't happen to me that way!

But, all in all, it seems like it really did work out for the best....right?

Love...

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Janessa, I guess the old phrase "all's well that ends well" applies here.

I glad things turned out OK. It could have bee much, much worse.

I suggest you have a nice talk with your friend and tell her, while you appreciate her concern

for you, that you want to be in total control of the "coming out" process from here on.

She needs to understand that doing what she did could have had bad consquences for you,

and just how important your privacy is.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Janessa]

Yea I plan on talking to her to make sure she doesn't tell anyone else. I think I feel comfortable with her telling a few people after I'm out of highschool though. =x

Just feels like a bad idea to be myself in highschool, because there are a lot of racist and homophobe kids in there, so I'd hate to think how they'd react to someone being transgender. >.< Especially since I walk home; if they knew I might "accidently" get run over. >>

[Guest julia_d]

I was outed by my parents.. they gave me a girls name, put me in a girls uniform and sent me off to school.... no big deal? .. in the middle of a term, on a Wednesday? That was 1977 when it was nothing like the world we live in now.

[Guest julia_d]

Just found it.. my class pic from the start of the final year in 1981 .. scary.. I'm even taller than our class tutor.

Just shows, if you are determined enough and confident enough it's possible to be out and who you are at any time and in any place... though it was really my parents doing as they were trying to "cure" me by making my life as miserable as possible.. I don't look miserable in that pic, just hard as nails.

Can you spot me? XD

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Front left?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Front left?

My guess, too.....

Donna jean

[Guest Janessa]

I dunno I think having to go to school in a girls uniform before transitioning would be horrible even today. =x (probably not as bad, but still horrible) ><

And also, are you saying her left or our left? Cause if her left I was thinking the same thing. =p

[Guest julia_d]

Front left.. correct.. tallest person there. Y'know it's so long ago I can only name 2 other people in the pic. There is one great memory of those days.. I had a waiver for sports.

I think these days with the new situation sometimes it might be easier to just bite the bullet and come out. I wasn't given the choice and in the long run it made me a more confident person when I finally decided what I needed to do. My previous experiences and life skills made it just a matter of fact to change my name and get on with it. I wish it had been as easy back when I left school as it is now to get documents and other things changed. I would have done it back then if it had been possible. Took another 20 years and I still beat most of the law changes.

I discovered something yesterday which may be of interest to other UK transitoners who change their names on all legal things. NHS number.. you should get a new one with a prefix of A or Z (showing an unspecified change has happened) Mine was done so long ago I still have my old number.. which explains so much with the way things have gone since moving to this district. They have me flagged as genetic female.. no wonder I have odd experiences applying for funding for things.

Anyway.. back to the topic..

Parent - supportive

school - ok with everything

any reason not to make a start and do it?

[Guest Janessa]

So far everything seems good, though I'm worried my mom may not quite understand that this does mean I want to change my body. >.< I know I need to talk to my mom about it but it just seems too awkward and I never talk to my parents about anything. =\ I am definately not starting my transition until after high school though; out of fear and the fact I'm a senior anyways. =x

[Guest rosey]

that wondeful for you

hope everything continues to go smoothly

[Guest Janessa]

I need some advice, one of my nightmare's just 10 minutes ago came true over the phone.

Here's the conversation if you don't know what I'm talking about:

Me: Mom, I just need to make sure, but you have no problem with me being transgender right?

Mom: No, but I don't know what that means for you, I'd like to talk about it when you feel like talking about it.

As I thought my mom does not have a clue that being transgender means I want to take hormones to make me into a woman. I was really hoping she knew what it meant and just didn't feel bothered by it, but now that I know she doesn't know what it means I am sure it will be a huge shock to her and may even make her depressed.

I'm really worried and depressed because I thought I had already come out, but apparently I have not come out yet.

[Guest julia_d]

You don't have to explain yourself to anybody. You already said you are going to leave everything until after school.. guess you will be an adult then and what parents know or don't and what they think isn't in the frame any more.

[Carolyn Marie]

Janessa, based on what you told us in your first post in this thread, it wasn't clear just how involved that first

conversation was. Since you have not actually sat down with her and talked it through, its not all that surprising

that she hasn't grasped the full implications of your transition.

Hon, you really need to sit her down for a long and detailed conversation about this. Transition is the most important thing

you will ever do, and it is really a huge change for your mother too. She needs to hear it from you, not an outsider.

You need to explain not only what you plan to do, but why you feel the way you do, how you are certain that you

are female, and what your goals are for yourself and your life.

It might help to write your thoughts down first so that you have kind of a script to follow - just an outline would

be helpful. That way you won't leave out anything important.

If you want her on your side, and eventually your dad too, you need to prepare for it, and you need to do it right.

She needs to know you're serious and determined, and she needs to see you have thought it through, including

all the implications, even the negative ones, like discrimination, etc.

I won't kid you, Janessa, this will probably be the hardest thing you;ve ever done, but it is absolutely necessary.

Look through the Coming Out Forum for some good ideas on how to go about it, or PM me or one of the other Mods

for advice. I wish you all the luck in the world.

HUGGSS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Janessa]

Here's my rough draft for the letter I'm going to give my mom some day trying to explain. I'd like to know if anyone can think of any way to improve it(in other words shorten it or perhaps I forgot to add something). =\

________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I know this is probably hard to accept, but being transgender means I want to take hormones to make me into a woman; though I think I am not going to get surgery because for now I just want to take hormones to make myself a woman without having to be cut open. In fact, I am positive this is necessary in order for me to be happy. I am well aware a lot people can not accept this, but there are a lot of people that can accept it as well and I only get one life, so I want to try and be happy even if it means not being accepted by my father anymore. No matter what the consequences I feel if I have to live my life as a boy I would be better off dead.

I am pretty sure about this as I have felt I should be female almost my entire life; probably even my entire life, as I recall wishing I was female even before puberty. When I hit puberty especially I became depressed because I was becoming more and more like a male the longer I spent going through puberty. I really hate everything about being male; I don't like having body hair, I don't like being expected to act like a male, I don't like my name, I don't like being referred to as mister, I don't like my uncomfortable male clothing, I especially don't like my body, I don't like being "handsome", I don't like having to have short hair, I don't like any of it. I can not think of one single thing about being male that is good and I am well aware of many of the problems women have to face.

I never was a computer addict, I just spent so much time on the internet and still do because I can be myself on there. That is also why I never want anyone to watch what I am doing on the computer and perhaps why I am so secretive all the time.

This is not your fault in any way and I hope you don't blame yourself or my dad. It is not about how I was brought up, it is about how I was born.

I am not a pervert with a fetish and I am not just gay and looking for an excuse to be gay. I actually consider myself a lesbian and I want to be a girl because of social reasons. I feel I socialize a lot easier as a girl than I do as a boy and in general I just feel wrong trying to pretend like I'm male when I am not. I am not crazy either.

It is natural to feel upset by this, but things could have been so much worse. I could have been a murderer or a rapist, but I am not; my problem can be resolved through hormone therapy and I am not in risk of going to prison or hurting anyone. I know it is selfish of me, but I really feel horrible knowing you have to go through this because of me and that is the only reason I don't want to see you cry. Even if my appearance changes I will always be me.

[Guest Michele H]

I'm glad it worked out but the school first of all had no legal rights to bring in your parents nor do they have a right to talk to your counselor. If you were forced to sign, it's not binding - you have grounds for a law suit (assuming a public school)

[Guest CharlieRose]

That looks like a very good letter addressing a lot of common concerns. I would also suggest you show her some websites like this one: http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.aspx# and Lynn Conway's list of successful transwomen: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSs...Ssuccesses.html to show her that it is a legitimate thing, it's not just you, and to address the concerns she may have that you'll lead a horrible life as a transwoman.

[Guest Miss Aeryn]

It is natural to feel upset by this, but things could have been so much worse. I could have been a murderer or a rapist, but I am not...

Heya Janessa, for the love of all thats merciful do not use that analogy ever. Like comparing apples and sewerage. I simply do not understand.

Could have been so much worse? Yes. A murdering serial pack rapist? *shudders*

Aeryn

[Carolyn Marie]

Janessa, the letter is pretty good, and I agree with the other comments you've received so far.

I would also avoid using this sentence...I actually consider myself a lesbian and I want to be a girl because of social reasons.. The reason

is that being transsexual is not an issue of socializing as a member of a particular gender, but of actually being of that gender in all respects.

You want to avoid anything that sounds like this is a lifestyle choice.

I appreciate the effort you're making with this Janessa. I shows that you are taking it seriously. Good job.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Janessa]

Just removed those two things. They now read as:

"It is natural to feel upset by this, but things could have been so much worse. My problem can be resolved through hormone therapy and I am not in risk of going to prison or hurting anyone."

"I am not a pervert with a fetish and I am not just gay and looking for an excuse to be gay. I just feel I socialize a lot easier as a girl than I do as a boy and in general I just feel wrong trying to pretend like I'm male when I am not."

Wasn't really sure how to word why exactly I want to be a woman because it is really difficult to explain so I think that's why I just put social reasons. =x

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

You don't necessarily need a reason for why you want to be a girl, if it's what you were supposed to be, then i think that's enough, boys and girls are very different and it's absolutely normal to feel very uncomfortable and unhappy if you're forced to act like the opposite.

I'd say something like, you find it incredibly hard to socialise while keeping up the pretense of being a boy, and that you feel it's important to your social development that you are able to be yourself and that you start this process now, not many years down the road, when you could be damaged from social isolation, years of self hatred etc.

Also I'm not sure I'd say that you hate your name, your mother gave you that name, just say that you feel so uncomfortable because it doesn't fit.

And you might want to explain that you have a few months on hormone before they make any permanent changes so you aren't in any risk of (no matter how small it might be) doing something you're going to regret.

and regard to the surgery thing maybe

I don't know for sure if I'd want to get my body corrected with surgery, right now I feel pretty uncomfortable with the idea of something that invasive, but it's quite a few years before I'd have to make a decison like that. But I do know that this is the right path for me and that starting on hormones is the first step on that path.

Also maybe say something like you've always been so grateful for the love and support they've given you over the years, and you really hope that they can accept this and will continue you offer you support through what is going to be a very challenging period of your life.

[Guest Janessa]

I have some good news. I have not given my mom the letter yet, but this conversation happened in the car:

Mom: I want to know what you mean by you are transgender. When you are ready to tell me.

Me: I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I'm going to write a letter and give that to you some time to explain. Do you have any ideas of what you think it might mean?

Mom: I looked it up on wikipedia and I got a lot of things, like crossdressers, transvestites, and transsexuals. But I don't know which one of those you are. I would really like to know because I am getting you pajama's for christmas and I want to know whether you would prefer something more feminine or not.

I think this means I have like, half come out or something. I don't know, sorry I'm posting so much, but at least I know now she has a really good idea of what I mean and she at least would not be bothered by it if I'm a cross dresser; and I might get pajama's out of the deal. >> (though I don't know what she'll think when I tell her I want to change my body) ><

Anyone think I should rewrite the letter since she has a good idea of what to expect? =\

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

That's awesome, it sounds like your mom is gonna be really cool. You might wanna revise the letter a little, take out the stuff about her, and just concentrate on telling her about you. it sounds like she just wants to understand, and that's the best you can ever ask from anyone, someone willing and eager to learn more before making a judgement.

[Guest Miss Aeryn]

That's great news Janessa. Just give it to her as is, and ditto I is Sam :-)

There should be plenty of time to elaborate and explain down the track, just get that boulder moving.

Aeryn