Getting Socialized As A Female

[Guest yvonne]

Hello sweet sisters,

Little girls play with other little girls and do girl things. All their lives growing up, they learn how to act and think like girls. Granted, much of this is born, but every person has to get "socialized" to fit in with society.

If we have our doubts about making the full transition, as many of us do, we need to interact more with girls and see how it sits with us. How do we feel about it? Are we comfortable with it?

Do we get bored after a while and want to go out with the guys? Do we start to see guys acting like guys and start to get a little disgusted by what we see?

This is all part of our journey, part of letting the man parts fall away and the girl emerge more. There's no hurry to this, no halftime, no "2-minute warning", no bottom of the eighth inning. It takes as long as it takes and time has no meaning.

Watching the interaction between sisters here would give most men stomach cramps . The caring, the compassion, the sharing of feelings, the peaks, the valleys and the emotions are interesting to watch and mimic real group dynamics.

Reading and lurking is fun and educational, but if you have questions about whether this is right for you, you need to jump in here a little. Plenty of girls will help you and if you don't feel it's right, no one will tease you about it.

Share your fears, share your experiences, share your emotions. Immerse yourself in the estrogen around here.

I'm beginning to shed myself of the straitjacket of men's (lack of) emotions. I'm letting the girl emotions take over and it's been both interesting, challenging, somewhat overwhelming at times and fulfilling at others.

For some reason today, I started thinking about girlie things and the song "My Favorite Things" from the movie "Sound of Music" popped into my head, so I U-tubed it and got a great video with a lot of cool slides. As I'm listening and looking at kittens and little girls in dresses and bows, I just started crying. I ended up sobbing and it felt so good, so right and so incredibly girlie. Wow. What a feeling.

Being here has helped me do this.

So, share times that you've become a little emotional for no reason that any man would ever understand. It'll help us all to sob a little.

Girls need to do that, you know.

Yvonne

[Guest xdearlifex]

I love your posts yvonne! You make me feel like I can make this journey, which has just been a fantasy in my head for a long time, turn into a reality. I love hanging out with my girlfriends, but my status as a guy made it difficult to keep them around, and share themselves with me. When I spent the night with a few girls I wanted so badly for them to straiten my hair and talk about boys, and just let me in, but I was too scared to make that happen. Nevertheless, I felt more at home with them than I did when I hung out with my boys. They made me laugh, and they were there for me when I was upset, even though I was more emotional than my male friends, they still stuck around, and helped me through a few things, but even so I still felt distant from them, different. I scoffed at their immature jokes, and wanted to slap them every time they let a fart rip. I was baffled at how they found being mean to each other so fun, and when they turned it on me, I took their jabs to an extreme, sometimes cutting them off from my friendship for months at a time, much to their confusion. I was in a different place from my guy friends. It constantly bothered me that I just COULDN'T be like them, no matter how much I tried.

I found comfort and understanding with my girlfriends.

Peeling back that guy self I've been trying to be for so long feels like a relief. It did when I started, and it does now. I made a solemn decision to be myself, to stop worrying all the time that I was enough of a "guy", and just be myself. I let myself cry when I needed to, I crossed my legs as the knee, I swayed back and forth, I used my hands more when I talked, I let myself carry around a comb. I never knew that I had been repressing so much of what made me, me.

-Syd

[Guest krisspykriss]

Nice post. You got it going girl.

I am gonna go watch a local production of Sound of Music that a friend of mine has produced tomorrow. Kinda weird coincidence.

hugz,

Chrissy

[Guest ChloëC]

I hadn't really thought about it before, but reading your post, yvonne, got me thinking. For the last several years I have really liked watching 'You've Got Mail', and, without thinking about it too much, I especially like watching Meg Ryan and all the little things she does for her character to make her real. Tom Hanks is nice and all, and Greg Kinnear and Parker Posey are great as supporting characters, but that movie is so much hers and her character's, so much to me that every little movement, every gesture, just resonates somewhere within me. I look at what she's wearing and how she's wearing it, how she talks and interacts with others. It's scary in a way, but so satisfying in another.

And, of course, the ending gets me every time, because I love, Over the Rainbow.

Sorry, gotta stop for a few moments, hope you understand.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Lily B]

that post just brought the biggest smile to my face =]=] I love the feeling of inner liberation that comes from being able to express emotion without fear of repercussion. But i never really realized what it meant, thank you.

[Guest Melisa]

That's a very good subject,

Even when I was 5 or 6 years old I wanted to just be one of the girls and hang out with them. I never felt comfortable relating to the boys; doing boys stuff, playing or ruff-housing with the rest of the boys I just never felt whole or compete doing it, though I could very well do it, and better then most I just never felt good or totally natural doing it. Weather as an adult or child I never liked being in a group of both men and women, then the men would pair of and do their thing, and the girls would pair off and do theiirs; I always wanted to pair off with the girls or women and be with them, but I couldn't because I wasn't part of who they were. I always very much want to hang with women and emotoinally connect with them; it's almost impossible though because when I try they think that I'm just a guy trying to get with them.

Melisa

[Guest SusanKG]

Girlhood is not for sissies! It's for real girls emotionally, not temporary anatomically malformed. If it's just the clothes, that moves into impersonation. If it's just the body, I'm not sure what that is, but it isn't trangender. Girlhood has a resume of half of all personhood that is billions wide. Should all M-2-F play jacks, play hopscotch, have a massive Barbie collection, have tea parties, intently follow and imitate this month's pop princess, try out for cheerleader, talk with your girl friends about the hottest boys at school, have pillow-fights during non-sleep sleepovers, all the many, many gender patterns of most girls? I think not. But all these activities and many others are indicators, and deserve some thought, even study. I mean, if another woman starts talking to me in a waiting room about, say her daughter's jacks game, right now I can play dumb blonde very easily.

Yes Yvonne, little girls play and socialize with other little girls. We have been robbed of that for however many years we have had so far. We can not get it back. To semi compensate, I'll have to dig out my copy of Sound of Music and find that scene. I need a good cry, and I mean a good cry! And yes, Chiloe, I love You've Got Mail! also. And for a real chick flick try The Women also with Meg Ryan, and I mean chick, as there aren't any men!

Good Post Yvonne, as always.

SusanKG

[Guest Natalie92]

I love your post yvonne ! It did make me have to think though. I wonder if I have become socialized enough yet. Although I can relate with the girls perfectly, sometimes it's ok in my book to be 'one of the guys' every once in a while. My relationship with boys is kind of weird. They still see me as one of them (I've only made an attempt to come out as trans to 3), yet they seem to know that I'm much more sensitive and they are less rough with me than actual males. It's kind of nice actually. It's almost as if they were sub-consiously treating me as the girl I truly am and seem much less intimidated than they would be by another male, yet they don't feel like they have to behave any differently when I'm around.

Natalie

[Guest yvonne]

I love your posts yvonne! You make me feel like I can make this journey, which has just been a fantasy in my head for a long time, turn into a reality. I love hanging out with my girlfriends, but my status as a guy made it difficult to keep them around, and share themselves with me. When I spent the night with a few girls I wanted so badly for them to straiten my hair and talk about boys, and just let me in, but I was too scared to make that happen. Nevertheless, I felt more at home with them than I did when I hung out with my boys. They made me laugh, and they were there for me when I was upset, even though I was more emotional than my male friends, they still stuck around, and helped me through a few things, but even so I still felt distant from them, different. I scoffed at their immature jokes, and wanted to slap them every time they let a fart rip. I was baffled at how they found being mean to each other so fun, and when they turned it on me, I took their jabs to an extreme, sometimes cutting them off from my friendship for months at a time, much to their confusion. I was in a different place from my guy friends. It constantly bothered me that I just COULDN'T be like them, no matter how much I tried.

I found comfort and understanding with my girlfriends.

Peeling back that guy self I've been trying to be for so long feels like a relief. It did when I started, and it does now. I made a solemn decision to be myself, to stop worrying all the time that I was enough of a "guy", and just be myself. I let myself cry when I needed to, I crossed my legs as the knee, I swayed back and forth, I used my hands more when I talked, I let myself carry around a comb. I never knew that I had been repressing so much of what made me, me.

-Syd

Hi Syd,

I'm glad you like my posts and find something in them to help you. It's funny because I'm probably writing as much to help myself as to help others. As I read your thoughts, I can also relate a lot to my experiences.

For example, I don't have a lot of guy friends that I spend time with. Now, I have a lot of guys I respect and call friends and in every sense of the word they are a friend, but not in a relationship way. You're helping me understand THAT. I didn't feel we had that much in common--well duh! That might explain why I was never that comfortable with a group of guys....

Like you, I always enjoyed being with girls. I see a pattern here.

I've also begun to let the girl out more. I'm becoming more femme in my gestures, my walk and my posture. My wife has commented on it. I no longer care about projecting a male image and might even feel somewhat honored when someone may finally accuse me of "being gay". (what a compliment--that's progress!) It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure the day will come.

I feel a lot more comfortable about all this myself. I've also changed tastes in music and now enjoy listening to "sappy love songs".

As we've discussed Syd, we don't need to jump up and make any decisions right now. Just work to understand who we are and let ourselves come out slowly over time. As we find more and more comfort, the future becomes easier to visualize.

It just hit me---As I slowly, gently let the girl out, I'll transition across a spectrum of gender from one extreme to the other. I never thought that being accused of "being gay" would be an honor, but for the first time in my life, I now actually see it as sort of a goal....

Keep thinking, keep feeling, keep posting. Share some of these thoughts with your therapist and you'll really enjoy your time here in the garden.

I hope more of the girls get involved, as this is really rewarding to experience.

Yvonne

[Guest yvonne]

that post just brought the biggest smile to my face =]=] I love the feeling of inner liberation that comes from being able to express emotion without fear of repercussion. But i never really realized what it meant, thank you.

Lily,

First off, welcome to the garden. It's a wonderful place where we can all share our feelings and experiences with other girls of all types.

I'm just experiencing female emotions for the first time, myself. It can be a little overwhelming and confusing at times. I've been writing here as much to help others as I am to help me work things out in my own head.

I'm finding that I really enjoy the emotions and the feelings. It's no wonder to me that I've had so much inner conflict for so long, trying to stifle feelings. We were all taught "boys don't cry" and this can take a toll over time. It's so much more refreshing to just let them come out as they happen. It's like I'm letting life flow through me for the first time.

As a person trying to be a man, it used to frustrate me to see a woman cry, like I was supposed to be able to fix and it stop it. Now, I want to cry with her.... For the first time ever, I understand.

Keep peeling away the man covering you up, girlfriend. Bit by little bit.

I love your post yvonne ! It did make me have to think though. I wonder if I have become socialized enough yet. Although I can relate with the girls perfectly, sometimes it's ok in my book to be 'one of the guys' every once in a while. My relationship with boys is kind of weird. They still see me as one of them (I've only made an attempt to come out as trans to 3), yet they seem to know that I'm much more sensitive and they are less rough with me than actual males. It's kind of nice actually. It's almost as if they were sub-consiously treating me as the girl I truly am and seem much less intimidated than they would be by another male, yet they don't feel like they have to behave any differently when I'm around.

Natalie

Dear Natalie,

As I look at this journey, this long, slow transition, I don't see it as a linear thing, but rather as a back and forth thing. One day, we may be more girlie and the next revert back to the man side a little more. Part of it may depend on what happens to us during that time.

In some cases, the emergence of the feminine side may cause us some discomfort, so we retreat to where we think we've been more comfortable, with men. In my case, the more I'm exposed to men, the more and more I see them as so different from me.

We all play different roles in our lives. We have one role at home, another at work, another with male friends and still another when we're with our parents. Each of these roles may well have it's own pattern of development of our girl side, or rather the peeling away of the man facade. Each probably has it's own rate of development and this may well cause some discomfort as we switch back and forth in our daily living.

Even when we slip back, we may find we're less and less comfortable doing so and see more and more differences between us and them.

Interesting observation, isn't it?

Yvonne

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

My dear sweet sis Yvonne

You have this knack of stating how many of us are feeliing and putting it in the most wonderful of terms. I wholeheartedly agree with you that the emotional side of transition is one of the hard ones to get a handle on. I never know what is going to set me off, or how to handle things when I do start the tears. Luckily Its only happened late at night at work, when I am by myself anyway. Over the months I have slowly been more and more accepted by the other staff as a woman to the point that Im welcome into most of the girl talk and some of them bring their bf issues to me to discuss(I do have a rather unique view of the subject).

You mention that there is a lot of caring and compassion in the interaction of women; this is certainly true but women can be enven more vicious than men when they percive the need for revenge or to get even. "Hel.l hath no fury like a woman scorned" is an incredibly true expression, however many times women are willing to bide their time to exact revenge, where as men are more immediate.

I have reached the point, after nearly 4 months that I dont relate to that old male me at all, as I told my therapist last session "He is part of my past, someone who protected me when I needed it" however now I am out and living as me in this world I dont need his protection anymore since I have to find my own way around. Luckily, and much to my surprise most of the small town I live in either doesnt know and doesnt care or just plain doesnt care. There is no LGBT community here and we dont do things like Pride day, week or month. I just go through my life doing what I need to do to live my life, and never have I put guy things back on and left the house they dont feel right anymore.

[Guest viv]

Hello Yvonne,

You got me there, those few paragraphs say so much

about me . My transition has started , i feel it , i know it.

Thanks for reminding me . The peeling away of madness, to

reveal the calm. Thanks re your post, Luv,viv

[Guest ricka]

Dearest, Sweet Sisters, All!!! Well I have always been on the "gushy" side when it comes to expressing my affection. Maybe it's some kind of compensation having grown up in a rather emotionally frigid family. It's one of many things I have learned about myself from reading others' and my own posts here on Laura's that I emote totally as a woman. Being naturally affectionate and nurturing is one of the traits I value most about myself as a woman.

I have had female friends all of my life and to this day all of my close friends are female. The problem for me having a guy friend was that my attraction was totally romantic and sexual and I inevitably would fall in love with him, the consequences then were almost always very, very painful. While I do value my female friends so much, at the same time I recognize that I am hard-wired as a woman to desire the companionship of a man.

As far as socializing with people I have just been myself and that has gotten me pretty far. And like you Yvonne, hon, people do ask me if I am gay when I am male mode. I have been told that I have the "aura of a woman," which I took totally as a compliment. When I am en femme there is a certain congruence I feel between my appearance and the energy and personality I exude as a woman. And oh! hon! growing up with a mother who was a runway model "the walk" is totally natural!

Ricka

[Carolyn Marie]

In my male life I have been emotionally closed off for most of my life. I always found it hard to gain and hold friends, and never told my closest friends

how I felt about them. Even with my wife I've been the same way, maybe even more so because my gender conflicts pulled me away from her.

Since coming here and finding myself, it has become so much easier to express myself and both give and receive love and warmth and friendship. I have more

friends here than I ever had in my "real" world, and the friendships are closer, more intimate and more satisfying. I have many times been reduced to tears

sitting in my work cubicle just from reading a post or PM from one of my dear sisters. Before discovering my female side (or should I say, rediscovering it) I forced

myself to be as emotionless as possible publicly, and only released those emotions when alone. Now, I don't care who sees, that is the real me.

So revel in being yourselves, sisters. As our transitions move forward, it will become more a part of our beings every day. I think most of us consider that our

transitions began the day we told our therapists, and ourselves, that transition is what was in our future. The rest is just chemistry.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SusanKG]

Girlhood is not for sissies! It's for real girls emotionally, not temporary anatomically malformed.

I didn't figure out how to modify my original post, so I'm adding one to clarify the above from my original response:

"Girlhood is not for sissies! It's for people who are emotionally and mentally girls, whether they are or are not temporary anatomically malformed."

I'm still not sure I like the sentence, but maybe it at least makes sense, and shouldn't on quick read be taken as demeaning to us, certainly not my intent.

SusanKG

[Guest Donna Jean]

I no longer care about projecting a male image and might even feel somewhat honored when someone may finally accuse me of "being gay". (what a compliment--that's progress!) It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure the day will come.

I never thought that being accused of "being gay" would be an honor, but for the first time in my life, I now actually see it as sort of a goal....

Yvonne

Yvonne.....

Great post, Honey...

Your thought process intrigues me to no end...

I love the way you look at something that has been done lots of times and make me see it from a totally different angle..I love that...

For instance...the comments about the "gay" thing....

A few years ago it would of been fighting words to me....probably my own fear....

But, these days since I'm in transition the very last part of being male is my presentation at work...I can barely pull it off....I even got Ma'am'd standing there talking to a contractor...

But the guys at work seem to have confusion over me...I'm obviously looking quite Fem..but, then there is a phone call from my wife!....LOL I'm really sending mixed signals..

And one day recently a call came in and the contractor said "Let me talk to that Gay guy I talked to this morning."....

They came and got me...I just smiled...I don't take offense to it at all...

So, Yvonne....like your words above..Getting called or perceived as gay is pocket change...heck, we're going WAY past that!

I love your stuff, Honey...keep us thinking!

HUGGGGGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Something I've been noticing that has been happening with increasing frequency is that guys are holding doors open for me. And this happens when I am not en femme. I have to wonder if it is because of what a friend pointed out to me not long ago that I have the aura of a woman. I wonder if it is how I walk and carry myself. But it feels wonderful.

You know it's funny how for so many years I was self-conscious about being effeminate and now I just let myself be who I am and feel soooo good just being me.

Ricka