I Am Trying.

[Guest Adrian]

As a guy I want to be as straight up and down as possible. I'm endlessly jealous, not of muscular guys, because muscles are achievable through hard work, but of skinny guys, who natrually look male (if not masculine for a male, exactly) without trying.

My lecturer, he's no looker, but he's scrawny beanpole build and I'm endlessly admiring whilst feeling pangs of obsessive jealousy.

Because of my height, my only hope of passing whilst I'm waiting for hormones is to look like a young boy. They're often pancake flat, and I see boys of 12 walking around and I'm jealous of them to.

At the moment, all I can think at the moment is; It isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair.

It could have been me.

It should have been me.

So the weight is what I'm aiming at now. If I can just get scrawny like that I could have something vaguely resembling the boyhood I never got to have.

I'm not eating. I get angry with myself when I have 'too much' - i.e. A piece of toast. I feel genuine achievement if I can go just one hour longer without food than the day before... It feels like progress... Much needed progress in a transition which could take a year to even start, or longer.

When I go home for christmas, it will be hard. Good food cooked well by other people, for free will draw me back in and I will regain weight... Regain curves. I'm completely petrified. I don't want to go back. Usually I love christmas... This year all I can do is list in my head all the possible ways in which I could lock myself away and avoid food, until the inevitable christmas dinner which I will have to purge.

Research tells me drinking salt water will deal with it - My gag reflex won't do it. I've tried before.

I stay up all night, stay in bed awake tossing and turning all day. I'm afraid to leave my room. I avoid food by never getting up. I leave the house once a week to see my therapist, then I go back to hibernation. I'm missing all my lectures. I have't seen most of my housemates in days.

I'm paranoid, I'm anxious, and I get releif from not getting up, from not eating and seeing myself slowly shrivel away like I don't exist. I blitz myself with music and daydreams. I know I will look bad without clothes whilst stick skinny, but I don't at all care; I can't conceivably look worse in my opinion, and nobody elses opinion is relevent - I have no partner.

Something needs to be done. I don't think I can be convinced away from this, so this is pretty much just a confession, because I can't tell any of my friends as they will try to stop me, which I'm not having.

Yes, I could be the most stubborn, most self destructive person I know.

Maybe I like it.

[Guest ChalenAustin]

You must not give up Adrain.

You don't like it not deep down don't even go there with yourself b/c it is apain in rear to get back up from it- it's just the hopelessness talking. And there's no need for it.

Keeping answering this post- maybe I can help you.

Just let me and all the rest of us know roughly what's going on right now.

We'll get through this one step at a time togehter.

[Carolyn Marie]

Adrian, I'm sure you're aware of this and have prepared yourself for the advice I'm going to give you.

But I'll give it anyway.

YOU CANNOT TRANSITION IF YOU ARE DEATHLY ILL OR SELF-HARMING!

No therapist will prescribe hormones to someone who is psychologically unstable.

You need to talk to a therapist or school counselor about this. You don't need to come out to them

about being TG if that is a problem, just tell them you have an eating disorder and need advice.

You CAN transition and pass successfully without looking like an emaciated 12 year old boy. Its been

done, and by some of the male Moderators here and other FtM members. Please get that notion out of

your head, son.

Others will come along with more specific advice. Please hang in there and be sensible. Care about your

body and we will help you all we can. We do care about you, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WAIT

[no pun intended]

Think this out!

You need to be what you are!

LOSING SOME WEIGHT IS GOOD - sometimes - BUT NOT ALWAYS!

You MUST accept your body size to a reasonable degree! must

Please do some research. You do not want to be anorexic - you DO WANT TO LIVE TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE. Be yourself AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

Just my opinion!

LIZZY

[Sally]

Look around you!

Not all males are rail thin - I only was when I was sick - men like everyone else come in all shapes and sizes - pick someone with a body build more like your own and emulate them - it will keep you healthier and lead to a better transition.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hey Adrian,

We are all our own worst critics and enemy. I too only see my faults and rarely anything positive about me.

Drinking salt water is very not good for you. A proper diet is the best way to loose weight, stay healthy, and have a sound mind and body. Diet and exercise is so important for clarity of thought and a sense of self-worth.

It is natural to be jealous of physical attributes someone else has that you consider that you are lacking. Instead of becoming self-destructive, consider working towards a goal of moving your body closer to what you would feel more comfortable with.

I will never look like a super-model (although I would love to pass that well!!). Many women will never look like a super model. Just as many men will never look like Brad Pit.

Hon, you must realize something... it takes a long time and a lot of work to get to where you want to be with yourself. Transitioning does not happen overnight nor even over months. In reality, it takes years to transition.

You have a sense of how you would like to look. Consider that a goal, and know that you are going to have work hard towards that goal. Most importantly, do no set a goal that is not realistic for you.

I would love to look like Angelina Jolie. I know that goal is unrealistic for me. A more realistice goal for me is how completely passable can I get.

If you continue to work at it, you will find yourself becoming more and more passable until one day you pass all of the time.

You can do it hon

Love

Brenda

[Guest CharlieRose]

You should tell your therapist about this, you really should.

Otherwise, all I can tell you is it's not that difficult to hide curves with baggy clothes and things that are fitted the right way. T also gets rid of them, but you can't get a prescription for T unless you're stable (and alive), generally.

Jealousy sucks immensely. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had. But it won't get you anywhere. You are you, and that's not a bad thing.

[Guest sarah f]

Adrian, you have had some great responses already and hopefully you get them in time before you hurt yourself by not eating. The only thing I can add is how I watch my wait. I try to only eat 20 grams of fat or less per day. You can do that by watching what you eat. I eat a banana for breakfast or apple, a smart ones dinner for lunch, and something healthy for dinner. You can do this with some self control.

Not eating will actually slow down your metabolism and make it harder to lose fat. It is never a good idea to not eat to lose wait.

Watch what you eat and you will get there. It may not be as fast as you want but it will come with time.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Adrian]

Hi guys (well, mostly girls )

I haven't been around a while what with one thing or another, and no doubt theres some good advice here!

I went home (from Uni) at Christmas. I thought it would be worse, going back to all the female pronouns and the female name, and I resolved not to be there very long.

Whilst that part was a bit annoying, I still felt an immense relief to be in a different place with different people and, of course, no pressure to pass male (quite the opposite). I ended up staying home for a long time, I missed lectures and things. I stayed in my room and read a lot, caught up with some old friends who know me well and know what's going on with me.

What I realise was, these pressures I things that I put on myself recently... They weren't there before. When I was hiding, back in my teens, before I acknowledged that I was trans, I was very unhappy in one way but at the same time not knowing the full extent of what was wrong save me from a sort pof stress. Now I've opened up to what's really going on with me, I made myself obsessed with trying to be as male as I can, forgetting that the reason I'm doing this in the first place is because I know that I am - therefore I don't have to strain myself to try and be anything. I am, without trying.

This is just my physical skin.

And yes, it bothers me immensely, and I still lock myself away and read more than I socialise, but it's different now because occupying my mind frees me from being to obsessed with peoples' perception of me. I meet my friends occasionally. I've had to give up karate; it's too difficult. But on the whole, I'm happier, and I anticipate the day where catching a look at my reflection doesn't shatter my image of myself and make me forget my identity.

When I was at home, ignoring all the trans stuff, I was still me, still male - but I wasn't trying to be. And that made all the difference. It means I'm sure, and nothings going to shake that, but I can't get too caught up in the trans stuff, like you all say, it takes years. It's better to concentrate on something else, some other goal alongside this one.

Trying to pass is stressful, so now I don't bother. I ignore when people call me she, just like I was able to do all my life before the past few months. It's just a word, someone's perception, which is based on something superficial, and it doesn't matter that they're wrong, I don't have to explain or justify myself.

So, I'm back eating moderate amounts again - my weight fluctuates so much - and I'm ignorning my body completely. I did it for years, it's not that hard.

Thanks for all your words of support.