Sleep Is Hard To Come By

[Guest xdearlifex]

Since I came out to my mom I haven't slept at night. I try every day to last until nightfall when I can finally right my clock, but I keep messing up. I take naps that turn out to be really long in the middle of the day, then end up staying up all night all over again.

The nights are the worst. I try to take my mind off things, but for some reason the darkness outside creates a darkness inside me. I think strange, horrible thoughts. I feel alone, powerless to change my life for the better, hopeless in the face of all the work that will go into transition in the future. I feel fine before I try to sleep. I dress up, makeup and all, without the worry that my mom will see me. She already knows the bare bones of what I've been dealing with, but I don't want her to see me that way yet. It'd be too much for her to bear, and maybe too much for me too. As I was saying, I get dressed, and I feel content, even happy, for the next few hours. Then it's two am, and I really need to get some sleep, I really need to right my clock again. I go to the bathroom and take off my makeup, my contacts, everything I painstakingly put on to mask the body I've been forced to live in. Then the thoughts creep in, slowly at first, then a tidal wave. Before I know it I'm pacing my room in my pajamas, succumbing completely to my darkness. I feel the space I take up in this world, I feel the way people look at me. I don't need a mirror to see those things about me that make me a guy. Maybe my mind exaggerates things, so I go to the mirror. It was exaggerating, but once I look away I feel it all flooding back again. I want to die, to just shut off this horrible voice in my head. "You can't do this, you have to stay this way, it's just the way it is", it says to me. I kneel to the floor and sob quietly to myself, wishing for tears to come, knowing that they won't. I want to cry, it would make me feel mastery over my emotions to let them out in one satisfying burst, but even that part of me is stubbornly non-compliant with my wishes. I hit my fists to my head, silently screaming, saying to myself, "Just cry goddammit, just cry", but I can't do it.

I've been really depressed lately, partially because I can't get sleep, so I'm always tired. I got my eyebrows waxed yesterday, and even bought a corset, but some part of me still denies everything. It's gotten smaller as I've gotten to accept my fate. I repeat to myself, "I am a girl" and that makes me feel better, to shut my eyes and pretend. I try to deny the past, to deny that that male part of me ever existed, but when it's dark out, and I'm undressed and trying to sleep, he barges in again. He makes me want to die. Will he ever leave me alone? Will he every let me be me?

-Syd

[Paula ult]

Syd hon,

Take one day at a time, for your mother this is all new and may take her time to come to terms, when i first started seeing a therapist i slept a few hours then i would wake up and start thinking of all the things in my past that i did that were clues that i was trans, you are trying to accept yourself, i did this too but it was remembering something i did when i was younger in bed that made me instantly accept myself, i would wish if i said i was a girl 3 times it would happen, but guess what it never did.

Transition is not a race, please take things one day at a time.

Paula

[Sally]

Syd,

You have got to take control and tell him that he has had his turn, it is your turn now.

You can do this, you must so this we have all had to tell him to go away or we can not survive.

Each night when he barges in remind hm that he was your past and always will be but that now and the future are for you and you don't mind him dropping by to bring a good memory but if he is going to be so negative he has got to go.

Seriously, have that conversation with yourself, it doesn't mean you are crazy and it will actually keep you from going crazy - there is no need for either part of you to die one just has to find his place in the past.

Try it for a few days and see if he doesn't back off quietly.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest xdearlifex]

Syd,

You have got to take control and tell him that he has had his turn, it is your turn now.

You can do this, you must so this we have all had to tell him to go away or we can not survive.

Each night when he barges in remind hm that he was your past and always will be but that now and the future are for you and you don't mind him dropping by to bring a good memory but if he is going to be so negative he has got to go.

Seriously, have that conversation with yourself, it doesn't mean you are crazy and it will actually keep you from going crazy - there is no need for either part of you to die one just has to find his place in the past.

Try it for a few days and see if he doesn't back off quietly.

Love ya,

Sally

Thank you so much! I'm dressed up now, so he's gone, but I'll make sure to do that the next time he comes knocking. Thank you thank you thank you! I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Maybe you should get yourself a real pretty set of pajamas or a lacy gown and try to sleep in that, don't get up in the middle of the night and take it off but leave it all on until early morning before your mom gets up. Then make sure you have you female under clothes on through the day until your ready to come out to the world. This way you can push him out of your life as much as possible and you can start sleeping at night.

Get some rest Hon

Charlene Leona

[Guest viv]

Hi hun,

Just read your post and guess what ??yep, you got me crying. Well , thats us women for you, I guess.

When I read posts that are troubled or sad they make me wish I could give you a call and arrange a meet,

you know , sort things out face to face. But , we cant , we do tho have Laura"s and each others word that if

it takes till hell freezes over , we will be here for each other and you can rely on us to be here for you hun .

Dont take on too many things at once, one at a time is the way to go . Sit down ,talk to your mother , tell

her you will need to lean on her a little , tell her you need to express yourself and you would feel so much

better if she could fully accept your plans re transition. About ""arguing with yourself"" , par for the course

when we are troubled so vent away, its your way to get that crap outa your system . Keep posting hun, you

know we are here , Luv,viv .

[Guest Evee18]

If your door has a lock try sleeping in a nightgown or some other female clothes to help keep "him" at bay. Or come to the playground (as a fellow insomniac that's where i'm at). And make sure to tell yourself that you can do this we have lots of brothers and sisters that have come before us and overcome it. And they were some of the first one's to do it. So if they could we can follow in there footsteps. (Sorry it feels like I talk in a circle) but don't resort to pills and stuff until it is absolutely necessary because it can mess up your sleeping patterns. Hope this helps.

[Guest yvonne]

Sweet Syd,

Take it easy, baby....OK?

What I see in your post is you were OK until you came out to your Mom and ever since....

Is there any chance at all that since you felt your mom had trouble accepting the news, (like it's easy for any Mom), this has caused you to doubt that you can go any further?

Could this just be the normal fears all of us sisters have as we try to envision our transition and have trouble seeing it? Yes, I'm pretty sure we all have these fears. I've had them too, this week as a matter of fact.

That's right. I'm about as well-adjusted to this whole transition thing as you can get and I'm a very positive person, but these thoughts will jump into my head at random telling me I can't do it, it won't work out or other bad things.

As far as telling yourself that the male part of you never existed, well it did and it wasn't your fault, so quit worrying about it. Random negative thoughts are normal for all people and just a part of life.

All I can do is tell you what has brought me comfort and hope it helps you. First off, when I do have to dress in male clothes when I go to work or outside the house, I tell myself that I'm a girl and now I'm cross-dressing to look like a man. I still have the right underwear on and it seems to be very helpful to me.

When I get home, I can put my clothes on and then I feel good. I have a really nice flannel gown that's pink (of course) with pale flowers on it that's about knee length and it's very warm and soft. It gets cold where I live, so it's a great comfort to wear. It helps me sleep well and, even if I have to get up to use the bathroom at night, there I am all nice looking, even when I'm half asleep.

Get a nice gown or pretty pajamas and leave your makeup on if you have to. Tell him he won't be needed as much and he's welcome to come around if he's nice. But if he can't be nice, he can't be there.

Close your eyes and see yourself as you'd like to be. Feel a calm come over you and tell yourself it will be all right, because everything will be all right. I doubt there's a sister here who won't tell you she's faced the same thing. I have. Many times. It's just part of who we are.

If you really need help, come here any time and pm any moderator for help. They can all get you to the right place.

I care about you, Syd. I've got to tell you I just realized how much I look forward to bed each night and wearing that soft gown. It really makes me feel good. I hope it can help you, too.

I love you, Syd. You're not alone. You're not.

I understand,

Yvonne

[Guest Natalie92]

Syd, I'd like to suggest something. I've always had trouble sleeping at night too, so I know how darkness can make you feel. What I do is I treat my room as almost my own prison cell. But the paradoxal thing is that it's freedom for me. When I lock myself in my room, I'm free to be myself for as long as I'm alone. And the only people allowed are my friends who I've come out to, or am making a special exception knowing that they won't realize the real me (of course I'm talking about texts, IM, chat, etc here) is the one they are talking to. My male self knows that he is not allowed in here, as I have told him that once I'm in my bedroom/bathroom (Yes, I'm lucky enough to have my own full bathroom, small as it is) and the only time he is allowed in is when the doors open. He no longer has control. After all, what 17 yr old male has a bed with 4 pillows on it to keep them safe along with a blanket? Nope. It's all mine, now. Sometimes I'll spend an entire weekend in here alone. I keep a few diet sodas, some waters, chips, and cookies in a special drawer that only I know about. I have my laptop in here, a small TV, and a bookcase to keep me entertained. And I'm lucky enough that the kitchen is right outside my door so I can make myself a meal real quick and bring it back into my room to eat when no one is around. You just have to learn to not let the male side bother you in YOUR room. Also I might lik to add that looking in the mirror might not be the best idea. It never does me any good to look in the mirror except to shave, to fix my hair, and to apply makeup the few times I've done it (which I've gotten a compact from a friend to help me with that). I doubt it will do you too much good to see a male body staring back at you when the voice is telling you that you're a guy. (If I completely misread what that voice was saying to you, I appolgize)

Natalie Alexis