Internalized Transphobia. Need Serious Help, Please.

[Guest KaywinnitLeanne]

Zao,

So, I posted a question in the teen forums along with an intro, but this is probably the better place to ask the question, which is a heavy one. I'm hoping the older folk can shed some light on my troubles.

My upbringing was, from age 5, a flood of gender rigidity from my peers teachers and parents, and as a defense mechanism I made myself into such a gender rigid manly boy that I even considered male schoolteachers as effeminate. Saying things like "Those f@%%*!$ should get out of the library and go do something useful! They should go hike in the mountains!" All out of fear. I was terrified of my male peers, my parents, teachers, everyone. Seeming leads to being. Even more so after one comes out to their parents, and is put in the hospital and yelled at about how "when a woman wants to be a man it is sick, but at least they look like a pretty boy. When a man pretends to be a woman and flounces around simpering in a dress, well dammit that is just disgusting!" (direct quote from my mother). The only thing my father is afraid of is transfolks. I wore makeup once in sophomore year, and that was the only time I have ever seen him yell in his life.

What l am getting at is that all of this goes a heck of a long way towards building up homotransphobia and transmisogyny in the system. I know that I should have been female bodied, and have always felt myself to be a femme tomboy, but I have a transmisogynist vocabulary and arsenal, and every "rational" argument about why people should "just not be trans", which makes self harm or worse easy as very violent pie. I also have trouble being around transwomen until I have gotten to know them, and even then it is really hard. I had to leave the TDoR March in my town because I wanted to be sick.

What do I do? Have any of you had this problem? I have no idea what to do. I just know that it makes me hate myself, hate the Transfemale Community and it is screwing with my head to the point where I cannot concentrate on my work or my life.

I think a lot of it might have to do with the issue of passing?

So, sorry about the gushing angst, but I just needed to get it out and ask for help or advice or something.

Kaylee

[Sally]

Kaylee,

I didn't have it as bad but I was brought up in a very gender role rigid environment - no homosexuality or transsexuality permitted or even discussed so when I dressed back then I hated myself and wanted to quit but I never could.

I spent almost 55 years in denial until I finally admitted to myself that I was a transsexual woman and I had to deal with it.

I have done pretty well at getting over that but it did take almost a year and a half of hard work before Donna Jean finally helped me to open up enough to say "I love you " and she has been my very best friend in the World for all of that time.

You will get past this but it will take an effort and a lot of time, you can do this.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sarah_C]

I can say the same Kaylee, it is a very large struggle. I know I am bringing it up in counseling, the only way to do it. Just getting some of the simple things like telling my counselor I had picked out a name broke down some walls! and it felt good to do it. I hope my counselor is ready on Saturday because I am just going to tell her everything and then see how I feel then. I'll let you know, but talking to a counselor is starting to help e get through it. Does that make sense?

[Guest krisspykriss]

I was in your same boat. Over time I earned to accept myself. It took me a long time to get over hating myself. I still have some issues dealing with gay men. I don't see anything wrong with being gay (I like men myself), but I still have a little trouble interacting with overtly gay men. Makes no sense. I am almost over it, but there is a little bit still there.

I wish I could tell you how to get beyond it quickly but I can't. If I had an answer, I wouldnt have taken so long to deal with it myself. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it is perfectly OK being yourself.

hugz,

Chrissy