Am I Confused Or Not?

[Guest ChrisRydia]

I don't know how to say this! I got to get this off my chest.

My dad was not around much when I was little. When I was little, one day I decided to try on girl clothes. So I went throughout the whole house. My mom caught me wearing the clothes and (I guess) took the clothes off and put my clothes before I changed into the girl clothes. She told me "Your not a girl, your a boy". So I did not put on any girls clothes until I moved. I tried on my sisters clothes and they did fit. It did not take that long before I got busted by my sister. I think I was 8 when I told one of my councillors this "When I grow up, I want to be a girl". My mom thought I was going through a phase again. Two years went by my mom & my dad got divoriced (I don't know what happened) and it broke my heart. Shortly after, she met up with a old man. (I will not say any his name. I still remember what he did to me). A few weeks later, my mom will tell him if I acted up. So he hit me. A few months later we moved to a 100 something year old house. I think my mom was not herself at all. So everytime I acted up, she'll call him up and I would get beaten. I remember getting kicked, slapped and punched. *sheds tear*, I don't know how many days out of the week I would get beaten. One day my mom did slap me and I called up my aunt and told her. My mom was out shopping and the cops showed up. When she came back, a cop (I think) put her in handcuffs and kept her overnight at the police station. We called up my aunts and my grandparents. My brother went with my aunt. My sister & I went with my grandparents. I did have nightmares since & I rarely get nightmares of what happened. I was taking and sticking to the female role when I lived with her. I still sticking to the female role. When I was 13, I said or wrote this "why am I a guy? Why am I not female?" I am still embarrassed to talk about why I want to be female. Not a lot of people in my family know about my secret. I think like a girl, I like my hair long. I played with barbies when I was young. I was never taught how to play any sports. I don't have a lot of friends. I was teased during elementary, middle and 9th & 10th grade of High School. (I am in 11th, this year is going good so far). I do not want to say what they called me. I could not stick up for myself and I cried when I got home. I don't know when I will see a Gender Therapist. I only told my councillor during this summer. My grandma thinks I'm crazy about wanting to be female. She told me "I don't think you want this". My grandpa does not know about me wanting to be female. It is very hard to talk with my grandma. I want to tell her I been thinking about this for awhile now. This is something I want solved. Sorry if I offended you, ranting etc. I never typed this much before. Any suggestions?

Rydia

[Guest Oasis]

In my opinion, convince your grandma to take you to a therapist and with help from your therapist convince your grandma that this is real and not just a phase. Does your grandma know WHY you were beaten and in turn, are now in her custody? Maybe that will help with convincing her.

[Guest ChrisRydia]

yes, she knows about it. My mom is my grandma's daughter. I don't know where she is and she did not call in six years.

Rydia

[Guest NatashaJade]

Rydia,

You did not offend at all. Your story is heartbreaking and you have come to the right place. The people here are wonderful and are a great shoulder to cry on when you need to. I hope your school has a social worker or a counselor. If it does, please seek that person out. They can be great resources, especially when there does not seem to be a lot of help at home. I know the counselor at the school I work at and she is one of the best people I know. Don't be afraid to reach out and find people in your community who are safe and who genuinely care about your welfare.

luv

Gin

[Guest SusanKG]

Rydia,

I've seen things here that disgusted me, upset me, saddened me, discomforted me, outraged me, and those mostly from my own posts! But never offended me. There are worse stories and there are better ones, but they are people's stories. We are hopefully all here for one another, as much as possible as we can over the wires and tubes in a box that is the internet.

As you are in 11th grade, I assume you are approaching 18, I'm sure not nearly soon enough, but at that point you do have more control over yourself. In the meantime, use whatever resouces to get in to a gender therapist and use Laura's and other internet sources for research, research, research. You need information and to be informed, so you control this process. Good luck, and by the way, welcome to the Playground.

SusanKG

[Guest ChrisRydia]

I did write a note 3rd period during study hall explaining why. The only thing is how would I give the note to her. Maybe I'll put the note on her lap while she is sleeping on the couch. I will post her opinion later.

Rydia