Grrrr!

[Guest Anna_Banana]

So tonight was the night I asked my gender therapist for my HRT letter, which she said at the previous meeting she'd give to me if I asked for it. Tonight was also the night me and my mother would have a group session with my gender therapist. My mother explained her disapproval of my transitioning to the therapist. Her basis was that it would cause her to lose friends and people would speak poorly of her. My therapist agreed that I should consider my mother's feelings. My mother then tried to convince me not to transition as a result of her potential friend loss, the loss of her reputation, the loss of my reputation, and the potential of me being in danger. I explained to her how I would feel if I permanently forewent transition and that it would only end up in suicidal thoughts or feelings of hopelessness (which it has in previous years). The therapist agreed with me that preventing transition is not helpful as trans people never overcome their feelings. Its not something we can be talked out of. In conclusion, the therapist said I have to somehow meet my mother's needs and my mother has to meet my needs.

After the meeting I asked my therapist in private if she would give me my HRT letter, which she refused. She said I can't start HRT until my mother is on-board with my transitioning. GRRRRRR!!! Did I mention I'm 21 going on 22? This isn't fair.

.Anna

[Carolyn Marie]

Anna, that seems neither fair, nor rational, nor appropriate on the part of the therapist. If you are 21,

your mother has no legal right to veto your treatment plans, including HRT. I do not even understand

why your therapist appears to require your mother's presence at YOUR therapy sessions. You have

a right as an adult patient to privacy, even from your mother.

I'll let those with more experience provide you advice, but this just seems totally wrong. Totally.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Anna,

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't agree with your therapist. You are an adult. It wonderful of you to include your mother in your therapy, but she is not the one who is living with pain. If your mother never consents, are you just supposed to get over it? If you meet the SOC, that is all that should matter. I'm just so sorry for you situation. Don't give up!!!

luv

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

Anna....

Honey, I'm really sorry thatyour HRT fell through! That is a bummer (sorry, I'm old).

And of course some things may be said by friends and neighbors if you start your transition..

But, Sweetheart, this to me sounds like a stalemate...if you respect your mom's wishes and she respcts yours...nothing happens...dead in the water! That is a "Non" soulution!

Now, for the part that got to me....I didn't realize that you are almost 22 years old! I thought that you were under age and needed consent to do this.

I'm sure that you realize that you are leagally an adult and need no one's permission to go forward with this, unless your therapist feels that you are not ready?

And let me ask you this...Do you live at home with mom and is she your source of income? That may be the deal breaker right there!

I'm so sorry, Honey....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

[Guest nova]

Oh, heck no. Your therapist caved-in to your mother. Get a new therapist--get another opinion. My therapist offers family members help in coping with the realities and practicalities of a transgender person's medical necessitiy if they can't deal with it. She doesn't cave-in to a conspiracy to harm patients she has an oath to help: ie--"Do no harm" OMG, No, NO, NO, NO, NO WAY. And you're an adult!!!! Unbelievable. My mother still feels the same way too, (reputation, what would my neighbors think, blah, blah, blah.) She never wanted to even see a picture of me until this month!. Yes, my therapist has always been aware of the relationship between my mother and I. And you know what? My therapist and (my boyfriends mother) both say that it is her loss, she is missing out on a part of my life--a journey I've been very blessed to be on. OMG, your therapist put your mother's selfishness before your medical necessity . . .GRRRRR is right!!!! If your mother -god forbid- should need anti-depressants or something, are you now allowed to go to her doctor and say: Oh, no, that would be too embarrassing for me. ????

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Anna, that seems neither fair, nor rational, nor appropriate on the part of the therapist. If you are 21,

your mother has no legal right to veto your treatment plans, including HRT. I do not even understand

why your therapist appears to require your mother's presence at YOUR therapy sessions. You have

a right as an adult patient to privacy, even from your mother.

I'll let those with more experience provide you advice, but this just seems totally wrong. Totally.

Carolyn Marie

My therapist didn't require my mother to be present. I asked my therapist about two months ago if she could speak with my mother and try to help her cope with me transitioning. My therapist agreed and set up a "one time" appointment to see her. After the appointment, I spoke to my therapist and she recommended we do a family therapy session so that I could express to her my feelings. I agreed, thinking maybe it would help. I did not realize that it would halt my transition process. My mother cried, exclaimed she was losing her son, that she had no one to talk to, and that she'd lose all her friends. I said that my life would be unfulfilled and I would be forever depressed if I didn't transition. Because of this stalemate, I have to settle things with my mother or my therapist won't give me my letter. She doesn't want me deceiving her.

I truthfully don't know if my mother will ever come around and support my transition. I also don't think her reputation is at stake. She really doesn't have as many friends as she claimed tonight and she rarely talks to them anyhow. What gets her into trouble is that she's a chatter box, and so when something new comes up, she HAS to tell EVERYONE. Otherwise know one would ever find out. But I'm trying to be open-minded here. I really am trying to be supportive. But as I exclaimed to my therapist, "What am I SUPPOSED to do?" She agreed that there is no alternative to transitioning; it's the only "cure." However, she provided me with this Catch-22 that I can't deal with either. How am I supposed to prevent my mother from telling everyone that her son is now a daughter (and believe me, she'll phrase it in the most grotesque way possible)? On that same note, how am I supposed to prevent people from disliking her as a result of this? Maybe I'm missing a few angles, but the way I see it, someone is going to get a raw deal that can't be helped. If I forgo transition, I feel bad. If I transition and everyone hates my mother because of it, she feels bad.

So, as I said to my therapist, I'll say to all of you, "What am I supposed to do?"

.Anna

[Guest again]

Hi Anna---you are definitely between a rock and a hard place! although I don't ever think it is a good idea to cut off from family members, and that is not what I am suggesting here---you are an adult and need to make your own decisions.if your gender therapist doesn't see this, you need to get a second opinion. you need the freedom to make your own decisions and your mom needs to seek her own counselling---they are separate issues.

[Guest AshleyRF]

The only reason your therapist should be denying you your letter is because a problem with yourself not because of how it will affect your mother. I'd find a new therapist if they can't give you a better reason that this for not giving you your letter.

[Guest Janis]

Anna that is completely unfair. You are an independent adult. You therapist should never have held your letter because your mother disapproves. I would discuss this more with her and express your anger and frustrations over the decision.

The problem that I can see right now is, if your mother is anything like mine, that she may never give an inch; because she knows she holds the power over your transition.

Janis

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

I would call the therapist up and ask for my letter again on the grounds that she promised it to you on your last visit. Tell her she is harming you in refusing to give you your letter on the basis she gave, and that she is violating the SOC by taking your moms problems into account since your are of legal age to make medical decisions on your own. This is totally wrong and she could lose her license because of this. Your moms problems are none of her business, especially since you are the one paying her and are 21.

Other than that I would find another doctor.

Charlene Leona

[Guest julia_d]

Y'know what.. your mother has issues. I would say everybody here of my generation has been where you are. 21 .. time to get out in the wide world and give nasty parents the shove.

I told a close friend earlier this year that it was game over after they told me they were "worried about what people might say" .. whoopiedoo.. Now I make nasty comments behind their back as well when they walk past.. The least of their worries is what people "might say about me" .. they have a reputation that would make them move towns if they heard what people say behind their back about them already

Anybody who tries to tell you how to be you, or stands in your way while you do what you need because they are worried about their own reputation or what people might say isn't worthy of the title of friend or parent.. we don't need these people in our lives.. they are unfit to associate with.

Bad luck with your mother, but hey.. I was out of the house and on my own at 15 and I'm fine. It's got nothing to do with anybody else what we do.. so leave them to rot in their own narrow tunnel worlds and come join the rest of us out here with our leaves soaking up the warm sunshine.

[Guest April63]

I think your therapist won't give you the letter, because she wants you to solve problems with your mother first. I think this is reasonable, as she is trying to keep you and your mother together. I don't think this means you need her total support; I think it means she wants you two to be more friendly when it comes to this issue. Ultimately, I think she might be doing you a favor, because you really don't want to lose your relationship with your mother, and it sounds like she is trying to protect your relationship with her.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Oh boy, that just... sucks beyond all reason.

I guess everything's been said, though... have good talk with your therapist to demand some furhter xplanation, remind her that you're an adult, not a child, and that you are responsible for the relationship with your mother, not she.

Apparently your mother doesn't understand how important this is for you. If she values reputations and friends more than youre happiness something's wrong. I get it's important to let her know this mportance, but that's no reason to put off HRT.

If your hterapists insists, let her know you'll consider fidning someone else, who will keep to the normal legal and therapist-stuff.

RIght now it looks likeyou're being punished for asking her to talk to your mother.

Sander

[Guest yvonne]

Anna....

Now, for the part that got to me....I didn't realize that you are almost 22 years old! I thought that you were under age and needed consent to do this.

I'm sure that you realize that you are legally an adult and need no one's permission to go forward with this, unless your therapist feels that you are not ready?

And let me ask you this...Do you live at home with mom and is she your source of income? That may be the deal breaker right there!

I'm so sorry, Honey....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

Anna,

I don't mean to belittle you or anything at all. However, the question that Donna Jean asked above still hasn't been answered.

Do you live at home and depend on your mother or do you live on your own and support yourself. Do you pay for your own therapy?

This is the whole deal as far as I see it. If you live at home and depend on your mother, I don't care if you're 38, you have to live by mom's rules, because you're in her house.

If, on the other hand, you live on your own, are completely self-supportive and are paying the therapist, then you're morally entitled to be your own person (and entitled to be indignant with the therapist).

This is called "The Golden Rule"--them that has the Gold, makes the rules.

I believe this is a real key to therapy and successfully transitioning. Sooner or later, every person has to leave the nest and make it on their own. If you're going to transition, you need to be able to support yourself for a long time and this should be part of the plan.

The SOC clearly states that the patient be able to provide "informed consent". This means, in the case of a minor, the approval of the parents. In the case of an adult, that they are fully functional and able to understand what they are doing.

It's not unreasonable to consider a person living at home to not yet be "an emancipated person", capable of sustaining themselves. This may be cause for the ruling in your case, despite your age.

I had to show that I had the support of my wife and that was a key element in getting my letter when I did.

I'm only trying to help you reason out what's an appropriate course of action. I'm trying to be helpful and understand.

Yvonne

[Paula ult]

Anna,

As others have said you are 21 almost 22, and you do not need your mothers approval, it would be nice but that has nothing to do with you getting your letter, as long as you therapist agrees you are ready, which she did before meeting your mother.

If you live at home that might be one reason for her not giving you the letter, to keep the peace, if you live on your own there should be no reason to withhold the letter and i would talk to your mother and say she can try and accept or you will break all contact with her, this sounds harsh but it may make her realize how important transition is to you. The last resort is to disown her and hope in time she will come around.

Paula

[Guest CJwar]

I didn't stop to read all the others responses....

but first I want to say Whoa! She is saying no because you need to take your mother's feelings into consideration?

Is she not aware that if -every- trans person took every parents consideration into effect ALOT of people would have never got the HRT that they needed. I mean I hear about more parents not being receptive of the idea, than on board.

Its not -you- who needs to change for what your mother needs...it's your -mother- who needs to change for what you need.

And you know, if her friends are going to leave her because of what you're going through, or what she's going through, then they weren't good friends in the first place.

I think...other people said ask your therapist again, I think you should as well. Its not fair to you that, you worked with her towards your HRT letter, especially knowing she said that she agreed she would do it for you, only for her to change her mind because of your mom. Ah that really grinds my gears.

Good luck, I hope your Therapist falls into a big bowl of common sense.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Anna,

I don't mean to belittle you or anything at all. However, the question that Donna Jean asked above still hasn't been answered.

Do you live at home and depend on your mother or do you live on your own and support yourself. Do you pay for your own therapy?

This is the whole deal as far as I see it. If you live at home and depend on your mother, I don't care if you're 38, you have to live by mom's rules, because you're in her house.

If, on the other hand, you live on your own, are completely self-supportive and are paying the therapist, then you're morally entitled to be your own person (and entitled to be indignant with the therapist).

This is called "The Golden Rule"--them that has the Gold, makes the rules.

I believe this is a real key to therapy and successfully transitioning. Sooner or later, every person has to leave the nest and make it on their own. If you're going to transition, you need to be able to support yourself for a long time and this should be part of the plan.

The SOC clearly states that the patient be able to provide "informed consent". This means, in the case of a minor, the approval of the parents. In the case of an adult, that they are fully functional and able to understand what they are doing.

It's not unreasonable to consider a person living at home to not yet be "an emancipated person", capable of sustaining themselves. This may be cause for the ruling in your case, despite your age.

I had to show that I had the support of my wife and that was a key element in getting my letter when I did.

I'm only trying to help you reason out what's an appropriate course of action. I'm trying to be helpful and understand.

Yvonne

I do not think the law works in the way you are suggesting. "The Golden Rule" might sound like a nice grassroots value, but the law doesn't necessarily follow it. If that were the case, minority groups would get no where. Yes, I live under my mother's roof and receive her financial support. But, if I decided to smoke a cigarette (which I do not and never will) and she said "no," it would not suddenly become illegal. The same thing goes for many others. My mother is not allowed to know what I do in college. It is federal law that as of the age of 18, my college is my business. Yes, she pays for it even. But the school is required to keep its mouth shut to her and anyone else that inquires about my education. I am pretty sure the SOC follows that same logic. However, I will consider going a long with this dance for a little while and see where it goes. I don't like it, but I'm a reasonable person. Sometimes I'm a little too reasonable for my own good.

.Anna

[Sally]

Anna,

You might ask your therapist what caused the delay, you need to know if she is concerned about something - how can you resolve an issue that you do not even know exists?

This is about your life and you have every right to know - call them.

I used to just accept and be reasonable, but asking why is not unreasonable.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest nova]

Your therapist/health care provider has let you down--horribly. She clearly does not know what she's doing. The fact that your mother disclosed her anxieties would warrant counseling for her anxiety surrounding this issue: Your therapist has decided to cause damage to your health. A competent therapist would know that to delay transitioning to someone who's gender identity is established, can cause great difficulty and emotional and mental distress down the road. Your therapist's role is to provide information as to potential risks and side effects of hormone administration WHILE PRESERVING THE PATIENT'S (YOU) RIGHT TO PURSUE PHYSICAL GENDER TRANSFORMATION AS AN OUTWARD REPRESENTATION OF GENDER IDENTITY. Cost, or what mama (sorry) wants, etc are irrelevant to you getting that letter. Like most MTFs, I was started out on Premarin, which is cheap-cheap, cheap, compared to the injectable or the patch. And the great thing about the pill is that if for some reason hormones cannot be tolerated or they just don't do anything for you, they can be easily stopped. That's one reason why they start (most) of us on the pill. I wonder if your therapist or your mother know that. I would march myself back into that office of hers and re-clarify just how firmly established your identity is. And if she still doesn't get it, then find a real gender specialist. Ask her if she's read "Transgender Care" by Gianna E. Israel. It explains how your rights and your therapists obligations intersect. My therapist uses it in addition to WPATH and other SOC. Your therapist has got to stop and think about the consequences of not knowing what she's doing. She doesn't want people to resort to the 'black market' does she? This is also something that a responsible therapist will discuss with people seeking hormone therapy. By the way, I am NOT suggesting that you would ever do something so dangerous, but someday, someone she betrayed might. And that would be a real tragedy. If your therapist is a specialist in gender identity then I would love to have her write me a letter and try to justify what she did to you!!!

[Guest doodle]

I agree with a lot of what is said here. But I mostly agree with Nova. She is right on. I think you should confront your therapist and demand the letter. If she still says no tell her you have a friend that can hook you up with boot leg shots. and will do it regardless . If she still refuses find a new therapist.

Kelly

[Guest angie]

Sounds to me like your talk doc is being a bit wishy washy.

Agreeing with both you and your mother is riding the fence.

That you honor your mom enough to want to include her in

your transition is a huge step for you.That you got turned down

for HRT has to be a heart break,not to mention a bit irritating.

Stick to your guns Anna,good things will come your way.

You have to win mom over to your path being the one that leads

to womanhood.It wont be easy,but think of how rewarding it will be

when your mother is on your side as you walk down this path,instead

of having to walk it alone...

Angie

[Guest rachael1]

I agree with most of the comments here and think you should get clarification why your therapist is holding off on your letter.

At the end of the day this is your life and not your mother's and her feelings on the matter are totally irrelevant.

Rachael

[Guest Robin Winter]

Wow, I bet I'm the only one to reply in favor of your therapist. Not for her decision, but for her reason for making it. You have to understand her position. She's basically the pivot point for a major, life altering change, and it's her responsibility to ensure, not only that it's the right decision for you, but also that you're ready. Meeting the requirements for physical transition is more than just proving to them that you're transsexual. Readiness is a major factor, and if she has reason to believe that you're not in the best position to begin, and isn't confident that you'll have the support you need through such an emotional process , she wouldn't in good conscience be able to give you that letter. She might not be right, but again, you have to appreciate her position and her caution. This is a really big deal.

I agree with a lot of what is said here. But I mostly agree with Nova. She is right on. I think you should confront your therapist and demand the letter. If she still says no tell her you have a friend that can hook you up with boot leg shots. and will do it regardless . If she still refuses find a new therapist.

Kelly

This will pretty much guarantee you'll never get that letter, from this therapist anyway. Resorting to threats is childish and will surely see you treated as a child. That would be a mighty big step in the wrong direction.

[Guest Ryles_D]

I have to agree with Aeryn and Shilo. If you live with your mom and/or rely on her paying for transition- then you do need her support. As it stands, starting hormones could make your home life take a turn for the worst, and while I think it's awful you have to wait I don't think it's unreasonable for your therapist to want to make sure that this doesn't turn ugly.

If you really don't want you rmother involved- then find a way to move out.

[Guest NatalieRene]

You just said what I didn't have the nerve to say. But now that you've opened the can of worms I agree entirely. Anna you have to move out.

Remember though, moving out doesn't mean you need to have a huge falling out, just that you're going out on your own and growing up. Hopefully in time your Mom can accept you for you, but moving out is the only way to be you.