Damage Control Methods: Being Outed By Others

[Guest Austen]

Hello!

Transition has, for the most part, been going swimmingly here. I'm a year and a month into hormones and couldn't possibly be happier. However, I've discovered a tiny problem that I need advice on: the reaction to being outed.

I am lucky insofar as I am for the most part passable as a member of my chosen gender. This gives me the option of discussing transgender issues or simply avoiding the issue altogether; I usually make this decision based on the type of social gathering and the quality of people in attendance. (For example, I'd rather be "just another one of the girls" at a neighborhood mixer, and save the trans conversations for more private affairs.)

However, I have been faced with a few situations where people have outed me to others that are not "in the know" about my status. They don't often mean to do this, but the end result is almost always the same: confusion, quizzical looks, half-hearted platitudes ("You look like a girl to me!"), and awkward questions about my "erm... status." Any other conversations that may have taken place outside of my transgender status are almost immediately stopped, and the focus falls squarely on a process that is a deeply personal and difficult issue for me.

I am always happy to educate people about the issue -- after all, I write for Bilerico! -- but there are some places and some times where the conversation just should not happen. Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, how did you respond?

Is it possible to say "I'd rather not talk about it" without sounding like a jerk?

[Sakura]

im not quiet sure as the tact one should use very time i get outted it ends in a loud argument or violence two or so weeks a go i came very very close to getting murdered in a bar cause i got outted *bartender spotted the M on my dl* i was cornered in a bar by 10 or so men that had been hitting on me rather agressivly all night and the question was posed " are you a girl or a Fing boy !!??" its like cold ice water gets dumped on you your brain struggles to find the right words to exsplain your self heart starts to race then your reaction comes its either to walk away or get confrontational

my problem is i never get outted in a semi decent place its always a ghetto or redneck bar so im normally dealing with a buch of drunk ignorant people so no matter what you say it normally falls on deaf ears in those cases i try and get the heck up outta there as fast as humanly possible

in this case i couldnt my boy firends sister was passed out at the bar i needed to get her but these guys had me surrounded asking there Qs and exspectin an A so i said "what do you think ? " and one goes " i bet 1000 dallors your a girl you have a a girls face and body " then one guy reachs over and grabs my boobs and quickly says " YEP thier real !!" i instanly make my move to grab his sister and get outta there i grab her and turn around and they got the door blocked with them selves

at this point danielle has realized whats going on and starts running her mouth which quickly spins the whole thing outta contole then i get asked again "so if your a girl then show us and you can leave " and one of the wanna be thugs raises up his shirt just enough to show he has a gun tucked in his pants ....... so i reached into my purse and turned the safty off my gun i grabbed her and shoved them outta the way tossed her in the car and left i think them not buying that i was a boy with out concrete proof saved me from getting killed or at the very least a sever beating .........but thats worst case senario outting most will never have to deal with that

in a more friendly environment i simply say i dont wanna talk about it and most people respect that and leave it go for the most part but i do catch them looking me over for signs of my gender, you have to pick your battles carefully there are some if your outted think its the coolest thing in the world and some that think you are a just a loon best thing in any case is to keep your cool there is no real damage controle once its out there its out there you just have to live with knowing that they all now know

Sakura

[Guest yvonne]

Hello!

Transition has, for the most part, been going swimmingly here. I'm a year and a month into hormones and couldn't possibly be happier. However, I've discovered a tiny problem that I need advice on: the reaction to being outed.

I am lucky insofar as I am for the most part passable as a member of my chosen gender. This gives me the option of discussing transgender issues or simply avoiding the issue altogether; I usually make this decision based on the type of social gathering and the quality of people in attendance. (For example, I'd rather be "just another one of the girls" at a neighborhood mixer, and save the trans conversations for more private affairs.)

However, I have been faced with a few situations where people have outed me to others that are not "in the know" about my status. They don't often mean to do this, but the end result is almost always the same: confusion, quizzical looks, half-hearted platitudes ("You look like a girl to me!"), and awkward questions about my "erm... status." Any other conversations that may have taken place outside of my transgender status are almost immediately stopped, and the focus falls squarely on a process that is a deeply personal and difficult issue for me.

I am always happy to educate people about the issue -- after all, I write for Bilerico! -- but there are some places and some times where the conversation just should not happen. Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, how did you respond?

Is it possible to say "I'd rather not talk about it" without sounding like a jerk?

Austen,

Yes, there is and it's the high road.

Those who out you to others and "don't often mean to do it" are possibly lying bullies, especially if they do it more than once.

I'll find myself in your position eventually and I've thought about this a lot and here's the best answer I've come up with so far, when confronted about transitioning: "It's a medical condition, it's deeply personal and I don't believe it's appropriate for casual conversation" This will bring a stunned silence, which you need to be prepared to break with an immediate changing of the subject, such as "How about......"

This needs to be done with confidence, with your head held high. Others will try to use this to shame you and you should never acknowledge shame. There's nothing shameful about it, it IS a medical condition, plain and simple.

People like this need to understand that it's a gross breach of etiquette to bring up sensitive, personal medical things about others. It's just rude and they need to be told that. If the social gathering didn't come with an announcement of a panty check, then what business is it of anyone? Seek out those people who out you to others and tell them it's a bullying tactic and it's just not an acceptable way to behave. Tell them you're very disappointed in their behavior (not in them, but in their behavior) and don't expect it to happen again. Use that exact wording.

It's a medical condition, it's deeply personal and I don't believe it's appropriate for casual conversation.

If people can't comprehend that and can't get off it, then you're in the wrong crowd. Find another. Some people just never learned how to play nice, so don't play with them.

Courage and strength to you, my sister,

Yvonne

[Guest viv]

Hi ya hun,

Theres an old saying,,,,,"with friends like that you dont need enemies ". But, I know,

sometimes theres nothing we can do re that, work colleagues etc. I would cherry pick from both

Sakura -get the hell outa Dodge, and Yvonne, have an appropriate answer , one difficult to reply

to by the recipiant -then change the subject (TACT) or change your circle of friends. I remember

when I was a kid, I was out walking Femme one night, a bunch of guys across the street

shouted to me **hairy legs** ,,I ran up to my appartment as fast as my *hairy legs* would

carry me (oh those early attempts). So yeh hun , tactful response , with dignity in place. viv

[Guest julia_d]

If looks could kill .. then blatantly ignore them.. Rude questions get either no answer or an equally rude one back.

[Guest krisspykriss]

im not quiet sure as the tact one should use very time i get outted it ends in a loud argument or violence two or so weeks a go i came very very close to getting murdered in a bar cause i got outted *bartender spotted the M on my dl* i was cornered in a bar by 10 or so men that had been hitting on me rather agressivly all night and the question was posed " are you a girl or a Fing boy !!??" its like cold ice water gets dumped on you your brain struggles to find the right words to exsplain your self heart starts to race then your reaction comes its either to walk away or get confrontational

my problem is i never get outted in a semi decent place its always a ghetto or redneck bar so im normally dealing with a buch of drunk ignorant people so no matter what you say it normally falls on deaf ears in those cases i try and get the heck up outta there as fast as humanly possible

in this case i couldnt my boy firends sister was passed out at the bar i needed to get her but these guys had me surrounded asking there Qs and exspectin an A so i said "what do you think ? " and one goes " i bet 1000 dallors your a girl you have a a girls face and body " then one guy reachs over and grabs my boobs and quickly says " YEP thier real !!" i instanly make my move to grab his sister and get outta there i grab her and turn around and they got the door blocked with them selves

at this point danielle has realized whats going on and starts running her mouth which quickly spins the whole thing outta contole then i get asked again "so if your a girl then show us and you can leave " and one of the wanna be thugs raises up his shirt just enough to show he has a gun tucked in his pants ....... so i reached into my purse and turned the safty off my gun i grabbed her and shoved them outta the way tossed her in the car and left i think them not buying that i was a boy with out concrete proof saved me from getting killed or at the very least a sever beating .........but thats worst case senario outting most will never have to deal with that

in a more friendly environment i simply say i dont wanna talk about it and most people respect that and leave it go for the most part but i do catch them looking me over for signs of my gender, you have to pick your battles carefully there are some if your outted think its the coolest thing in the world and some that think you are a just a loon best thing in any case is to keep your cool there is no real damage controle once its out there its out there you just have to live with knowing that they all now know

Sakura

Girl, you really should be careful about the places you go. Many of use transfolk get hurt or killed every year. The majority of them could have been prevented by common sense and watching the company you keep. I go to straight bars every weekend with my boyfriend (we are both straight so thats natural). However, if I get a vibe that I might be in danger there if someone finds out "who I am" I leave immediately. I can be one militant b!@#$ when it come to standing up for myself and demanding respect, but I don't want to be a martyr for the cause either. Please don't become a martyr.

hugz,

Chrissy

[Guest Austen]

If looks could kill .. then blatantly ignore them.. Rude questions get either no answer or an equally rude one back.

The only problem with rude responses is that they don't always work. In the professional world I'm sometimes put into this situation -- while it isn't always a problem, it has become a distraction on occasion. I'm looking for let-em-down-easy, strongly worded but nonetheless polite solutions to pressing questions that don't turn into sour grapes.

In personal situations, however, I don't hesitate to respond to rude questions with another rude question. "Have you had surgery?" "I don't know. Does yours hang to the left, or to the right?"

[Sally]

Try just saying that it is rather personal and difficult to explain, perhaps if we get to know each other better and in a different time and place but for now I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it.

It is not being a jerk, merely reserved and a little shy but it does not end the chance for enlightening them at a later time.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest nova]

I guess you've tried the "this is neither the place or time for that discussion". I saw some celebrity on TV talking about all the intrusive questions he gets asked and he said his response is usually to say, "That's personal and private and I prefer not to share that". For some reason the girls here in San Francisco have a bit of a reputation for having an acid tongue, on the street anyway. Some use humor, like, "I'm giving a lecture next week, you're welcome to come", or, "I can't talk right now--will an autograph do?" or, "watch Letterman tonight--I'm on and I discussed this very thing at length." I like Julia's approach, I can give a cold stare that communicates the fact that the person just made an inappropriate invasion of my personal space. I don't know, I usually tend to freeze though. Oh, Sakura . . . YIKES!! I guess you can't change your ID in your state?