Me And My Journey

[Guest jayke]

So, me. How do I go? Where do I fit???

I am a genetic female. I am 30 years old, been with my wife (female) for 9 years and weve got two kids. I identify as bisexual. We are happy, though I know I disappoint her with my "male" processing mind, and my s*xual issues (not being touched etc.) Prior to me she had never been with a female, she is 32.

I dont quite know how to describe myself. I have felt that the bisexual or lesbian card doesnt quite explain exactly who I am. These labels seem to miss a large part of who I am. I have had this label for well over ten years. My family are pentecostal, and so not happy about the gay thing as it is....

I have been living as a female, though many friends would say I am more gender queer than those simple labels. Most people label me Androgynous, and I would agree with that. I am so like a male, it is sometimes ridiculous. But, I feel very androgynous or neutrois ie I often feel I have no gender. The problem I have is a feel like, if I could choose my gender etc. I would be an androgynous male, not female.

I do not like that my body is female and am quite shocked that it is female sometimes. I have never wanted to allow people to see my gender. I am jealouos of males, for no apparent reason. I want to look like a male with my chest. But, I like the effect my boobs have on a certain person. From the age of two I hid my body from family and would not wear female oriented clothing, including becoming gravely distressed when it was suggested that I wear a skirt to church each Sunday. I very rarely can be touched by my wife, this has always been the case. When I hit my teenage years I was extremely distraught about growing the female form. I know everyone gets a upset at that time (or I presume gets upset), I just dont know what is normal distress, and what is extreme distress at my body becoming female. I have never gotten my period regularly and now havent had it for 4 years, which I like. When my kids were born I said without thought- I want to be called daddy. I had not thoguht of that as being strange, that was just my natural response. But, when I saw the way people responded to this, and I thought about the ramifications of this, I didnt do it. I want to give birth to children, but can not imagine it at all. I think it is more about my genes that anything.

So the problem I am currently struggling with is that I am trying to work out where I sit on the spectrum. And, now that I thinking about it, my mind switches form one extreme to the next. I can't stand my physical body, and I a male, to I love my breasts and having that womanly sexiness. But, in actuality, I suspect that is just something that turns me on, female sexuality, not specifically me being sexually enticing. I am bisexual- but I lean much more towards females than males.

If I could dress androgynous, I would be happier, but I am overweight, and have huge breasts, so I can't hide my female form, and I dont want to look like a butch lesbian. I am going to access a therapist, but I just wanted peoples thoughts, and seeing the therapist could take a while with the waiting list.

[Sally]

Jayke,

You are in the group with the greatest problems with their dysphoria, while to many it would seem being a bit androgynous would be easy it is like finding yourself caught between genders and constantly switching.

It may sound funny to refer to anything about being transgendered as easy so I'll go with easier but being either one or the other is a lot easier to deal with - as for labels let's forget them altogether.

You are a unique and therefore precious person and that is all you need to know about that - as to how to deal with the alternation between feeling female and male there is no real answer but a therapist may be able to help you manage it a little bit better.

Your biggest problem is the perception and opinions of others, stemming from a guilt that has been compounded by your family's faith - religion it seems to me is in the business not of saving souls but of distributing guilt.

Take a moment to think about all of the things that your family's religion has taught you and made you feel that all of this is so wrong - then ask yourself, "Who did Jesus deny?"

There is one answer and it does not serve organized religions too well, NO ONE!

Believe that no matter how you appear, present or alter yourself - Jesus and God still love you - they have never faltered, that is what unconditional love is all about - you can not ever be denied the Kingdom of Heaven - you can only refuse to enter - there are no gates pearly or otherwise.

That is such a good start to calm your mind and begin to explore your thoughts on other matters.

Then you may come to a point where you know how much if any body modification is needed.

Hopefully you will be able to get to a gender therapist to help you sort things out, until then stay here and look about, give us a shout - I will always be listening for you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Jayke. Thanks for this post. It is thought provoking and interesting.

Sally gave you some great advice. She is wonderful that way. I am certainly not well versed on androgeny

and don't have a lot to offer in the way of advice. But I will say this, that your conflicting emotions and thoughts

seem to revolve around both gender issues and sexuality. As You may have read in the forums, those really are

two entirely different issues.

While you may identify more closely with the male gender, your sexuality doesn't have to follow in that at all.

It is certainly possible to identify strongly as being one gender while being attracted to members of the same

sex, the opposite sex, both sexes, or male on some occasions or female on others. It can be very confusing.

For example, until very recently I was attracted only to females. However, since my reawakening as Carolyn, I've

come to realize that I am attracted to both, and if living full time as a female, and without the constraints of

marriage, I would likely choose male companionship.

A gender therapist would be really beneficial to help you sort through your feelings. I wish you luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest jayke]

I dont have any issues or concerns around my sexuality. That is just an explanation of my process of discovery.

I am bisexual and proud of it!!! hehehe...

I do question my gender, and have only been able to think of that now.

Thanks you both most kindly for your pearls of wisdom

[Guest JeanVier]

I have been living as a female, though many friends would say I am more gender queer than those simple labels. Most people label me Androgynous, and I would agree with that. I am so like a male, it is sometimes ridiculous. But, I feel very androgynous or neutrois ie I often feel I have no gender. The problem I have is a feel like, if I could choose my gender etc. I would be an androgynous male, not female.

Hey, Jayke, I relate so much to this statement. I am a genetic female, but I feel male, but the 'male' I feel is not the truck-driving, football-playing, rough-and-tumble kind of male I have been trained to code as 'Male.' My models of masculinity are more along the lines of David Bowie, Marc Bolan, Brian Molko... I have often thought that if I were born male, I might find it fun to wear a dress, to blur the lines, to be a fae, androgynous male. But then I think about how if I am genetically female, but feel male, but the male I feel is a (dare I say?) feminine or androgynous male... How can I then presume to feel 'male' at all?

x.x

Then I think of David Bowie, who I see as absolutely male. So, perhaps I just seek a different flavour of maleness than what we in America are taught to see as male. I know that I am not a masculine or androgynous female.

So, I hear you. Do not feel like you need to decide what box to sit in-- although the in-between liminal place can be so uncomfortable... Perhaps it might help to explore what celebrities or famous individuals you relate to, what individual person's gender/sex you feel a connection to, rather than see it in terms of categories. Like, for me, 'androgynous, slightly-feminine male'? No! Brian Molko-ish masculinity? Yes! Hmm. It might help.

Take care, mate.

-JV