Help - Overwhelmed

[Guest Camicochan]

This will be long, this is probably my most emotional post ever on any site.

If you've seen me posting around lately, you'll probably have (correctly) gathered that my early transition has gone rather smoothly. With HRT and laser hair removal, my face has become extremely passable. I've started breast growth and can just about fill an A cup. A year and a half of voice practice has paid off. I am thoroughly comfortable in public, get called miss or sometimes ma'am without exception. I completely transplanted to a different (and liberal) state for college, and have gained a circle of (female) friends who treat me 100% as one of their own. Many other acquaintances don't even know I'm trans, or only figured out over time. I was even elected to an officer position of the Women's Rights Coalition at school. I get a decent amount of money from my family, and am able to buy all the cosmetics and clothes to suit my needs, with some to spare that I've put towards a savings for surgery. And I will be getting my license changed over very soon.

So you might be asking what on earth could be getting me down?

For a while, on a daily basis I reflected on these changes and was ecstatic. Today as I got ready and went to meet my friend Katie to see a play, I was still happy. She had another friend there, we all mingled, talked to some of the theatre people afterwards, and got ready to leave. It turns out Katie and her friend were going after to a salon for nails and wax, as a birthday exchange thing since it was her friend's birthday and just past her own birthday. So it was there own little thing, that's fine and good, I would just mull around the area and grab a bite and go shopping or whatever. I guess it was later on getting home that I started thinking. I really wanted to do what they were doing too. I have never gone to a salon like that, much less with a friend. They've probably known each other for years. I don't have any good friends, and by that I mean someone you spend time with regularly, that I've known longer than a few months (except one guy friend back in Texas I talk to online). These friends I've met here have their own lives, years of bonding and relationships that I don't have. I all of a sudden feel like some extraneous comet that just kinda came out of nowhere into their lives. I feel guilty, I somehow expect to be treated like a good girl friend when the reality is I only just met these people. And I have nothing to fall back on, the history of myself that I know today goes back only a few months. And I'm suddenly lost and lonely. I don't have years of girl-to-girl interactions, of the resulting trust and intimacy, of learning and finding my sense of style and image, nothing. And I thought back to the salon experience they were having, that I wanted to have. The wax. Well that wouldn't work for me would it. The awkwardness of my pre-op body. Not that anyone would see the result anyway - the hiding of my crotch area, winter time jeans, and no lover to speak of. That was a depressing thought. I hate my junk. HATE it. If it weren't for the need of the tissue for surgery I'd sooner cut it off. That's an exaggeration, but not by much. For that matter who am I kidding with my voice. I used to love karaoke. Now there's no way I could sing without sounding like a guy or just sounding very strange and awkward. Katie loves karaoke too. But her voice is high, soft, and just adorable - everyone thinks she has the cutest laugh. I'm afraid to laugh cause it gives me away. Forget singing. There's just this quality to my voice no matter what I do, and no other trans woman I've personally encountered has overcome it anymore than I have. Actually people have told me how convincing my voice is, and I guess I am lucky in that department. But it's still irreparably damaged from having intercourse T. And I'll never sound beautiful. I really don't care about passing anymore. After years have passed on e, after surgery, after acquiring full breasts, full body, there are still things about myself I'll be uncomfortable with. My voice is probably highest on that list. That and I'll never have that childhood and teenage female experience with family and friends. I came here and started a new and better life on my own steam and strength, and I'm starting to give out.

[Guest Joe Cool]

Hi Camicochan,

I'm sorry you feel so down! Transition is a lifelong process. I'm glad that you have had positive experiences and you will be able to build and strengthen your relationships and friendships that you have over time. I know that does not take away from the pain and lonliness that you feel today. I wanted you to know that I understand and acknowledge your pain. I'm glad that you were able to come here when you felt this way. It doesn't matter how long you have been here - you are not only an instant friend but part of the family. Get the support you need! Maybe you can make plans to ask one of your friends to go with you to a salon to get your nails done at a nice place. It might give you something to look forward to? Hang in there! There are ups and downs! We'll help you get back up

Joe

[Carolyn Marie]

Cami, you speak for all of us, you really do. Even those who have gone totally stealth, and lead lives as normal as any transwoman can (or transman, for that matter),

probably harbor those secret yearnings, fears and regrets. It is natural and unavoidable. I wish it weren't so, and if a member can say I'm wrong, I'll be

delighted to acknowledge that.

The secret to getting past all of the issues you've raised is, I suppose, being willing and able to accept the fact that our lives are never going to be those of a cisgen

woman, and becoming comfortable with that fact, accepting of it. Once you can accept that, I think your level of satisfaction with your life will improve and

you can begin to get comfortable in your own skin.

What I've just described sounds far easier than it is, I know that. But if we don't try to live by that standard, what do we have to look forward to? Live the

rest of our lives with those feelings of inadequacy and regret? Not if I can help it, girl.

To do as I suggest takes support and mental toughness and an iron willed desire to just be the best woman you can be, even if the best isn't 100 per cent.

The latter is up to you. We can help with the support, and we will.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Cami,

I think the idea that we did not get to be what we are for our whole lives and that we can never quite be as we would really like to be is one that we all face. Of course, it is a disappointment. For a long time, I didn't allow myself to really come to terms with being a woman because that meant I would have to come to terms with being a large framed, big handed, deep voiced hairy woman. Some of that can be changed, but not enough to be the woman I daydreamed about being. I cannot be her. I wasn't born to be her and even if I had come from my parents as a girl from the get go, I wouldn't have been the petit elf girl I imagined a life for (a very complete life, let me tell you...I'm nothing if not an expert daydreamer).

What I've figure out is this. Better what I can get from this life with what I've been given to work with than nothing at all. I hate my junk, too. A lot. But it'll be gone eventually and I'll vaguely remember a time when there was something there, but I won't think about it much more than to appreciate having had it when I play with my kids. I hate my voice, too. But I'll still sing in the car with Aimee Mann and the Beatles and The Flaming Lips and it won't matter how I sound, I aint going on American Idol anytime soon (I'm too Gosh darned old, anyway). I'm going to have fun and be a woman and be ever so much happier than if I wasn't. That's all I can do.

You're a beautiful woman. Love that you can be that.

Gin

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Cami,

You are speaking on behalf of my entire existence so far. These have been my thoughts since childhood and were the catalyst for me realizing I needed to transition. Unfortunately, as you put it, we can't make up for the lost time. And I think this is something we need to capitalize on for future generations. Many people suffer for entire lifetimes before they can finally be themselves. It took all of your life, for instance, to get to the point that you are at now. Things shouldn't have to be like this. If our world-society was more tolerant, more understanding, and more readily able to accept the trans community, we could be happier sooner. Your story has touched me and reminded me of my own hardships.

.Anna

[Guest SusanKG]

Cami,

I'm sorry you are down right now. I, and the others here understand. You are absolutely, totally and completely NOT ALONE with those feelings.

Option 1 - Go back. Never! That's a death sentence.

Option 2 - Stay in the middle. You get crumbs and abuse from both worlds. That's no option, it's a no-win, no gain, but plenty of pain situation.

Option 3 - Continue forward. It is a slow track, but if you continue forward, you get someplace.

Those are for me. Adopt them, adapt them, or toss them as you feel appropriate. Any additional options out there anyone?

I keep hearing third-hand reports and opinions from biased transiphobes (new word? I hope so; I claim copyright) about persons that have transitioned, and then regretted having done so. There probably are some that do, but do you know any? Does anyone here know any? Is anyone out there one? There are probably heart transplant patients that regret receiving one, but I doubt there are many. I do know that I read right here daily from those making progress forward, one step at one slow excruiciating step at a time. Does anyone know of any fair statistics about transitioning and regretting it? Does anyone out there regret the steps they have taken? Mine are few so far and so far apart as to be continents. So far, I have a life-time of pain and many fears, but no regrets other than time lost! Sure wish I could blame soneone else for that!

Cami, the sooner we make full transition, and as far as I'm concerned, disappear into the background of deep stealth, the more time we have to make what memories we can. The rest, we can just make up!

SusanKG