At The End Of The First Month

[Guest NatashaJade]

So this week was mostly just a continuation of last week. I think I really found out what bona fide hard core mood swings are all about. There were times this week that I just got lost in sadness or irritability. Those moods became the focus of everything and as much as I would attempt to will myself out of them, I ould be stuck and spiral down further, a little voice in my mind saying, "it's just the E" and the E overpowering it with, "shut up and cry!" (crap, I'm starting to cry right now...I cried through the last 30 minutes of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last night...didn't cry the first time I saw it...I knew what was going to happen and just knowing...crap, crying just to think about it). This is how my week has been. Fortunately, I've been giving tests and watching films at work to get me through the day. When I get back after break, I hope I have a little bit of a better handle on this or it will be a rough go through our spring musical rehearsals...

Physically, nothing really new. My beard growth has slowed a little. I've always had a fairly quick beard and it is coming in a wee bit slower. Otherwise, just continued discomfort from my breasts. I've been trying a number of things to mitigate the discomfort. Sports bras stop the breast pain a great deal, but are very uncomfortable themselves after awhile (although I'm afraid if my breasts get big enough to notice they aren't just big moobs, I may have to wear a very tight sports bra and join my ftm brothers in binding...crap, crying about that...I'm very tired this morning and the lack of sleep seems to be exacerbating the situation). I tried a cami, but I'm not big enough to keep the elastic band from roaming about, which proved uncomfortable rather than painful. I could just wear a regular bra, but that is too shaping and, as I have enough to shape, that solves the discomfort issue but presents a...presenting issue. Ugh...this in-between business is tough. Would I had the financial freedom to go "on sabbatical" for a while, work on my novel and transition in peace. I got one powerball number yesterday. I just need 5 more...

I see my therapist once a month and it is the only time at this point I go out as myself. I am not confident in my ability to pass at all, but it's just a short drive and a quick walk into her office. I usually have to sit there while her male anger management group filters out, but I sit and play with my gphone and try not to make eye contact. But I am me. Yesterday, I left the pretty flare leg jeans I normally wear in the drawer and borrowed this really pretty ankle length tartan skirt from my wife. I love this skirt and it was so nice to be able to put it on and not feel like I was doing anything wrong. On the contrary, it felt like the right thing to wear on a lovely, chilly morning. I had to pick up some eggs and I very nearly stopped off at the grocery store on the way home and bought them. I'm not quite that confident yet, though. Baby steps for me.

The holidays are here, so I hope that you are all able to have a wonderful time with people you love. If not, I hope that you remember that while this can be the most depressing time of the year, it doesn't have to be. Do something really nice for yourself (have a great meal, see a fun film, buy a nice skirt...read a great book!). Love yourself. You are a beautiful person and the holidays are a construct for consumerism anyway.

Love to you all and more to come...

Gin

[Guest viv]

Hey Gin,

Really enjoyed reading that . I suppose all your going through is to be expected, huh?.

Loved your advice too, I will be solo this holiday so gonna do as you say and spoil myself a

little. Take care Gin, luv,viv

[Guest andreahilton]

Hi Gin!

I enjoyed reading that like Viv did. Congratulations on your baby steps!

Don't worry, I will too have to join the FTM guys in binding when I get on hormones next year because of school, bleh!

I hope you become confidence in passing and bring the girl inside you out even more. I hope you have a wonderful time on your holidays and thanks for the advices, they are pretty good. You too remember to love yourself and that you're a beautiful person like everybody else.

Love,

Andrea

[Guest SusanKG]

Hi Gin,

My compliments also on the post, and on the progress. Lead on - please! I gave up on the Powerball years ago. I did get six numbers all the time, unfortunately, they had no relation what-so-ever with reality or the winning numbers. I actually went two years without even winning another ticket. (The big cheats!!!) I am thankful for one thing though. When it comes time to transition, early or late, it will be male (ugh) one day - female (Yeh) the next, so I will not have to be concerned with which dress I'm in. Of course, I will have my own different set of problems. I suppose one of the controling factors will be boob growth. If the bra fits, you must wear it. Keep up your progress. It is inspiring.

SusanKG