Searching For Answers

[Guest childofwinter]

There's a lot I would like to say in this post, so it might be quite lengthy.

I suppose the first thing to mention is that I'm a biomale, and it's clear from my appearance that I am somewhat masculine. However, the outside does not truly reflect the inside, and I don't seem to feel strongly male or female. I was born with a condition called Noonan's Syndrome, and because of this my testicles were undescended. One came down when I was a little kid, and the other was removed when I was 19. I cannot produce my own testosterone, so have to take testosterone tablets every day. I'm of average height for a male, and slightly less hairy than the average male (my facial hair takes at least two weeks to even become noticeable - and my hair is very dark, and my skin quite pale). I have no real idea about my gender identity, and it could be anywhere.

For a long time, my sexual fantasies (including those I think of when self gratification), have often involved me being a woman, and in these I'm usually very submissive. In any fantasies I have where I'm a male, it varies between me being submissive and me being dominant, but is almost always homosexual. When I was in my teens, I ha these thoughts that I was someone else (usually a famous person or character), adn that either other people saw me as that character or they just saw me. These people I thought people saw me as were almost always female. Nowadays, this doesn't happen, so I don't know what it was caused by. As a teenager, there was times when I would dress in female clothing for masturbatory purposes, although now I just settle for using my moobs as a sort of prop. As for my penis, I'm not that attached to it, and most of my attachment is because I want to have the choice of being a father when I'm older rather than any attachment to some idea of masculinity.

One thing that probably isn't too common is that I like to pretend that I'm a character that I created for fanfiction. Often, these fantasies will involve him turning out to be a woman trying to pass as male, or a man who for some reason gets pregnant, or a a personw ho is able to switch between male and female bodies, or a man who swaps bodies with a female. In the fanfictions I write, he's never done anything like that, it's only when I daydream. My theory is that I'm playing out various situations vicariously for some reason.

I know the COGIATI is not very scientific, but I've done it a couple of times and always get between -75 and 0. Personally, I would love to live in a world where we could change our bodies with ease to look male/female/neither.

Part of me worries that I might just be projecting a very laid-back, very accepting view of the LGBTQI community onto myself, although I don't know how seriously I should be taking this part of me - it seems as it that part is just fearful of not being totally acceptable to society or something. Whatever my gender identity is, I'm almost certain that I'm either bi or pan sexual.

I don't know what I am, and so I would like people's opinions. It would also be helpful if people could ask me questions that they think might have useful answers for me, and that would be really appreciated.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Alex,

It's me again

Now hon, just relax and don't worry about trying to label yourself OK?

If you go to the Main Page of Laura's you will see a link the Transgendered FAQ. I would suggest that you start there and read the questions and answers posted there to see that you are not alone.

Take your time hon and look around on the forums here. In time, things will become clearer to you.

I know you want answers now hon, just be patient, the answers are coming

HUGS and Love

Brenda

[Guest childofwinter]

One more thing, whenever I do the BBC Sex ID test, I always get either in the middle or 50% on the female side, and I'm fairly sure that I have a female brain (I also have a female finger ratio).

[Guest Donna Jean]

I have to agree with Brenda on this, Sweetheart.....

Many of us spend way too much time looking for a label to stick on ourselves...

What we need to do is just find where we're comfortable and sit there ...what ever it is....

Huggs..

Donna Jean

[Guest DeniseNM]

Alex I would have to agree with Brenda and DJ, so relax and don't worry so much about how to label yourself. I personally think we all spend way to much time trying to figure out what label we are "suppose" to have (I know I did) or trying to "live up" to the label we have (from ourself, others, society or whoever) that we waste alot of time and energy. I would say take some time get to know your "family" here and get to truly know yourself, then look at how you label yourself (if it is still important to you at that point). Just my opinion.

Denise