Hellos And My Life.

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

I've come and gone from this site and a few others looking for help and advice. Tips on what to do and how to do it. Generally just looking for people who have the same experiences as I have so I know I am not alone in this world. So here is my introduction and my story. I will apologize in advance that like many of you my story is a very long one. I understand perfectly well if most of you prefer not to read all the way through it.

First of all I am at the very early stages of transitioning. I still live publicly as a male. I've been chastised by a few for even calling myself transgendered because I still live publicly as a male. It makes it that much more difficult when you can not even get compassion and understanding from those who have been through it. I have not had all bad experiences though. I have, many times living as a male, been assumed female by many people throughout my life. My voice even is fairly feminine though slightly deeper than most women's. I have been called ma'am as often as I have been called sir. These were times when I did not accept who I was and so would blow them off jokingly saying I needed a haircut, or it's ok I'm fat, they aren't real breasts (even though at the time I weighed 150 pounds at 5'6).

So about me. I am from Michigan. A small town on the west side of the state about 30 to 40 minutes from 2 major cities and 2 hours from Chicago. I have not even decided on a name yet, Kat (short for Katrina) is what always pops in my head but I am not sure enough that it is me. I am 33 years old, bi-sexual, earning barely above minimum wage in a state with a 14 percent unemployment rate. I've come looking for support, maybe some understanding, and hopefully advice on what to do. Going through this is like walking through a pitch black room, you will trip, you will stumble, but knowing someone is there with you to help guide you with their experience makes the journey possible.

I am now 33 years old, but I was lucky enough to be graced with genetics that make me look in my early to mid 20s which makes it a little easier on me even if it is only easier in my own mind. I am afraid I am to old to even think about doing this. I know that being afraid for my age is silly as many have gone through it even older than I, but it doesn't stop the fear. I came out to my family that I was bi-sexual about 3 months ago. I came out to my mother that I was transgendered about a week ago. I told her that I was considering moving, probably out of state and just never coming home again rather than face my face my family as a MTF. My mother and my sister are all the family I care about, but she told me that she is uncomfortable but accepts it as long as I am happy and feel loved. She also said to go very slowly breaking the news to my sister, so that will come in it's own time.

Until I was 11 years old I never really comprehended that there was a difference between male and female. Since that time I knew I was in the wrong body. I have always been feminine and very passive. Being in the closet about my sexuality I obviously could not date men, but the women I dated may as well have been men. The ones I attracted and were attracted to were the tomboys, the cowgirls, the aggressive personalities, the dominant partner. They dirtied their hands fixing the car, while I cooked dinner or cleaned the house. I know it is a bit stereotypical, but that is how it has always been for me. Even though most people assume I am gay simply due to mannerisms, I still have always been attracted to women more than men.

So, what led me to the point where I finally accepted who I was and knew it was time to transition? That requires a bit of history about me. When I was in my early 20s I was working full time, going to college full time, and dating a wonderful woman whom I would later become engaged to. Then it happened, my life stopped. I knew something was wrong with me since I was 11 years old. I knew I was meant to be a woman and told my best friend frequently that one day I would have a sex change operation and asked her if she would still love me (she always told me yes). After years of hiding it and being afraid anyone outside myself and my best friend would know, the stress and anxiety caught up with me. I think it had more factors than that and working 40 to 45 hours a week and running 14 credit hours of school probably didn't help. It started with a bad day. Then the next day was a little worse. I started missing days at school. I couldn't take my job anymore and put my 2 weeks notice in. I didn't show up the last week. Finals came at school and I hadn't shown up for 2 weeks, but I went and at least finished. After a few more weeks I stopped leaving the house. My girlfriend at the time knew something was wrong but she had gotten a scholarship to the university of new mexico and so I practically forced her out the door. I gave her an engagement ring before she left for school and told her we would make the date after she graduated. After she left I moved in with my mother and stopped leaving the house all together.

I am lucky enough that my mother always watched out for her kids no matter what, and she took me in and made sure I had a roof over my head and food on the table. The depression kicked in and I started putting on weight. I stopped caring what I looked like. I would bathe twice a week. I didn't care. I did however manage to stay clean shaven, oddly the thought of facial hair on me disgusted me so much that even the depression couldn't stop that. Most of the day I just stayed in bed, on ok days I lost myself in online games. This went on for 5 years. The thought that was on my mind every day of those 5 years was how disgusted I was with myself for being born a man. I prayed to god every night to make me right. I prayed and asked to let me wake up in the morning and all of this would be a bad dream, that I would be that beautiful woman just lying in bed having a nightmare. I wished as if some magical genie would pop up and grant me what I needed. I even thought in my own mind about selling my soul so I could be right. I was fairly religious at the time so this was a very desperate last resort for me. I still believe even now though my beliefs have altered slightly, but that is another story.

Fast forward 5 years. I am 300 pounds at 5'6. My mother is breaking down daily from the stress at work, she is diabetic and it is taking it's toll. My fiance is 1 year away from her degree still and we are discussing me moving to new mexico with her when she finds a job. She knows about the depression, but doesn't know why or what it has done to me. My mother takes a turn for the worse and becomes disabled. She loses the house. We have no where to go so my sister and her husband take us in. That is when the depression started to lift. I hadn't been out of the house in 5 years, but when the police as basically knocking at your door telling you to leave, you get out. My sister and her husband couldn't afford my mother's medical bills, so with the threat of me living on the street I took the only job I could get after 5 years without any job, luckily my brother in law was a store manager for a burger king. So I had a minimum wage job, weighed 300 pounds, and no future. Still the depression continued to slowly lift. Six months later my brother commits suicide at the age of 27 leaving behind a wife 2 daughters. Recently I realized that he was most likely transgendered as well. He had turned to drugs as a coping mechanism, and in the end it was drugs that caused him to do what he did.

Fast forward another year. Valentines day 2009. After nearly 8 years together my fiance told me over the phone that she could not handle it anymore. That she stuck with me through all of it and she loved me with all of her heart, but she could not support me the rest of her life and we were through. Looking back I understand. Something inside me broke that day. My life did a complete 180. I became a stranger to who I used to be. It was rough at first, I spent 3 days not eating, not drinking, crying and throwing up. In that 3 days I lost 10 pounds, I'm not sure how, but I was down to 292 from 302. A new determination came over me. I realized I was going to die old, alone, penniless. The weight was still melting away, and it made me feel better. So I started dieting, and exercising. My personality also changed into an entirely new person. I went from introvert to extreme extrovert. I couldn't get enough of talking to everyone I met. My confidence level shot up. I started seeing myself as attractive, and the more weight I lost the better I felt about myself. Within a month I had met a new girl, rebound of course so obvious bad choice, but that is another story. She left me on my birthday. That just fueled my determination even more somehow.

So today here I sit. It's 4am here and I should have been in bed 3 hours ago, but I felt the need to tell my story. It has been less than a year and I have lost over 100 pounds. I currently weigh between 190 and 195. I still have a ways to go, my goal is to be a size 10 or less. I got the confidence to come out to my family. To tell my mother I am transitioning. I am setting up the first LHR appointment when I get my income taxes back. I am applying for grants to go back to school next fall. My hair has started growing out, and is now shoulder length. I even went out in public once as my female self (didn't go too well, but at least I tried). I have been looking for information, finding tips and help online for 3 months now and I would like to find offline support groups to help me through this. I know who I want to be, I know where I want to be. Now I just kick, scream, and bite my way through life until I make it.

Finally I want to tell a funny little story. It is what made me decide to post my story here and one other place. It is what made me decide to tell my mother. I was at work a little over a week ago on break. I had gone into the men's room to fix my hair, to straighten my hat. I am still currently living as a male in public and have done very little so far towards publicly transitioning. So I am standing there in front of the mirror, not doing anything differently than what I normally would when a man walks in. He stops, and looks at me. Then he turns around, opens the door and looks at the door. Then he comes back in and says (word for word) "I thought I had the wrong bathroom for a minute.". Normally someone in my position would be horribly insulted, and have some sort of male aggression response or say something back, but since I happen to have accepted that I am transgendered it simply made me smile. It made me feel good. Even with all of the times I had been mistaken for a woman, this time was different. I spent the rest of the day with a smile on my face from ear to ear. It felt good.

So that is my story. For those of you who took the time to read it, I want to say thank you. I may not post on here often, but I will be around and pop up once in a while. There is obviously a lot more to the story, but I didn't want to kill you all from boredom. I am just here looking for guidance and understanding. Maybe someone here will know of a support group in my area, or places I can go for help.

Until next time, sweet dreams everyone.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Kat welcome aboard, there are men and women here in all stages of transition and from all corners of the planet. My sweet sister, we can all empathize with your story and in many ways lots of us have been through parts of it. I am sure that the welcome wagon will be along soon, so have a seat and wait for the others to show up.

I am glad you are going to be seeing a GT since they are the ones with the knowlege and experience to guide us along the path. Dont let anyone tell you that to be Transsexual you have to want surgery; if you do that is fine, if you dont that is fine too it wont make you any less trans. How far down the trail you go is up to you.

Hugs and welcome

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good morning, Kat!

Welcome to the Playground!

My goodness......your story weaves in and out of the lives of so many of us here so, you'll get plenty of understanding and support!

I'll tell you what....

Sit here in this big comfy chair and I'll get you some of Sally's famous cookies and a big steaming cup of hot coco to help break the ice!

We're a moderated site here (It's what I'm doing right now!) and each and every post is read before it goes up. That keeps it safe for everyone here.

And if you would take a minute to read the forum rules, I'd reall appreciate it. You'll find a link at the top of most pages...Thanks, Hon.

Now sip your coco and we'll visit as other members come by to say "HI!"...

It's nice to have you with us....

Relax and enjoy!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Robin Winter]

I've come and gone from this site and a few others looking for help and advice. Tips on what to do and how to do it. Generally just looking for people who have the same experiences as I have so I know I am not alone in this world. So here is my introduction and my story. I will apologize in advance that like many of you my story is a very long one. I understand perfectly well if most of you prefer not to read all the way through it.

I still live publicly as a male. I've been chastised by a few for even calling myself transgendered because I still live publicly as a male.

You're not alone in that, hun. I live publicly as male (though a fairly effeminate one), because of my job. I live and work in the same place, so it doesn't afford me the ability to even be a woman on my off time(not that I get a lot of that, my job is pretty much a 24/7 on call kind of thing). I understand how you feel and I assure you that those other people are wrong, it doesn't make you any less a woman because you're stuck in a difficult situation.

I came out to my family that I was bi-sexual about 3 months ago. I came out to my mother that I was transgendered about a week ago. I told her that I was considering moving, probably out of state and just never coming home again rather than face my face my family as a MTF. My mother and my sister are all the family I care about, but she told me that she is uncomfortable but accepts it as long as I am happy and feel loved. She also said to go very slowly breaking the news to my sister, so that will come in it's own time.

I came out as bisexual about 6 years ago myself, well to my mom anyway, I came out to others at different stages. I had actually been trying to work up the nerve to tell her I was trans and when I finally got her alone, I chickened out and just told her that. But I'm happy to say I came out to my mom in the last 2 months, and she was totally ok with it. I was crying when I told her though, I was so scared. I've tried to tell my sister since then, but the opportunity hasn't been there. I'm not sure how she's going to react, to be honest. It can be frightening.

Until I was 11 years old I never really comprehended that there was a difference between male and female. Since that time I knew I was in the wrong body. I have always been feminine and very passive. Being in the closet about my sexuality I obviously could not date men, but the women I dated may as well have been men. The ones I attracted and were attracted to were the tomboys, the cowgirls, the aggressive personalities, the dominant partner. They dirtied their hands fixing the car, while I cooked dinner or cleaned the house. I know it is a bit stereotypical, but that is how it has always been for me. Even though most people assume I am gay simply due to mannerisms, I still have always been attracted to women more than men.

I can completely relate to almost all of this. I knew I wasn't comfortable around the other little boys, and wanted to dress up in my sisters clothes and play with her toys from a very young age, but I likewise didn't understand what was different about me until about 11. I think it had something to do with the whole puberty thing, when the sexual differences started to really come into play. I've also for the most part been with somewhat more aggressive women. I HAVE dated a few men, but they were usually short relationships for one reason or another, and like you I've always been more attracted to women.

So, what led me to the point where I finally accepted who I was and knew it was time to transition?

For me there were a few things that finally made me decide I had to accept who I was and do something about it. One, I was reaching a point where I just wasn't functioning well enough both at work and at home. I was just miserable most of the time and made the people I love miserable for having to live with me. Two, although I've been suicidal for most of my teen and adult years, and had made a few half-hearted attempts, I was beginning to think about it more and more and without the usual drama attached. I was thinking about it in a matter-of-fact kind of way, and when I realized what was going on in my head, it scared me. I knew I wouldn't last 5 years if I didn't take control of my life.

I know who I want to be, I know where I want to be. Now I just kick, scream, and bite my way through life until I make it.

I think EVERYONE here can relate to this

Finally I want to tell a funny little story. It is what made me decide to post my story here and one other place. It is what made me decide to tell my mother. I was at work a little over a week ago on break. I had gone into the men's room to fix my hair, to straighten my hat. I am still currently living as a male in public and have done very little so far towards publicly transitioning. So I am standing there in front of the mirror, not doing anything differently than what I normally would when a man walks in. He stops, and looks at me. Then he turns around, opens the door and looks at the door. Then he comes back in and says (word for word) "I thought I had the wrong bathroom for a minute.". Normally someone in my position would be horribly insulted, and have some sort of male aggression response or say something back, but since I happen to have accepted that I am transgendered it simply made me smile. It made me feel good. Even with all of the times I had been mistaken for a woman, this time was different. I spent the rest of the day with a smile on my face from ear to ear. It felt good.

That's awesome, I'm jealous! I've never been viewed as a woman, but I often have people make comments about silly things, like my long eyelashes or whatever, that make me grin.

So that is my story. For those of you who took the time to read it, I want to say thank you. I may not post on here often, but I will be around and pop up once in a while. There is obviously a lot more to the story, but I didn't want to kill you all from boredom. I am just here looking for guidance and understanding. Maybe someone here will know of a support group in my area, or places I can go for help.

I wish I knew of a group for you. I will say, Laura's has an excellent group of people, but I understand well the need for support in a flesh-and-blood kind of atmosphere. I often wish I could collect all the trans-people I know and move them here to Halifax. We have all kinds of supports in place (and the therapy is covered by our public health care, biiiig bonus). I'm told Vancouver is excellent as well.

I guess I can't relate completely with all of your story, but I still feel like we have a lot of common experiences, especially early in life. I do sincerely hope you get to where you need to be, and that you have a relatively smooth trip getting there. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always happy to be that shoulder, and as I said, there are plenty of wonderful people here at Laura's who would do the same.

Until next time, sweet dreams everyone.

Same to you

*Hugs*

Shi

[Paula ult]

Welcome Kat to Laura's,

Yes Kat i read your whole story and parts of your story and life crossed paths with mine, i knew around 5 - 6 years old i was different and it was not till i was a few years older did i know what it was but i suppressed it most of my life trying to fit neatly into that little box labeled M, very unhappily i might add. There are a number of us here that are late transitioners, i am 57 and started transition early last year and am getting good results and living full time, so you see being 33 years old is not to old to get started.

I see you are doing all the right things to get going in your transition, just realize it does not happen overnight, i wish there was a pill or easy button that would change things overnight. Many start out getting on that runaway train called transition only to have it derail down the track, losing maybe friends, family and job along the way, at first i got on that runaway train but got good advise from some post op friends and got off before it derailed and got on a bicycle for my journey, it took a little longer to get where i wanted to go but i did get there just about unscathed.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and look forward to reading and answering your posts.

HUGS!!!

Paula

[Sally]

Hi Kat!

It is so nice to have you here.

Do not let anyone tell you that you are doing anything wrong by living publicly male to make a living - we all do what we have to.

I am still working as male and out to almost no one - I have for some reason accumulated a lot of very conservative friends and I am pretty sure that I will be leaving more than a few of them behind when I do come out full time.

But we all do what we must and there is no rushing some things, after 4 months of HRT I am beginning to see the time of forced coming out is approaching a little faster than expected but sometimes I need a gentle nudge to move forward (do not listen to the laughter and comments from Donna Jean and Elizabeth K - I really did do somethings on my own)

Be who you have to be at work but never lose sight of where you need to go.

You remind me so much of me - I also packed on the weight - still working on taking it off and I was underemployed (still am) for my entire life - I lack the aggressiveness required to be an Alpha anything.

You have new friends and family here, welcome.

love ya,

Sally

[Guest viv]

Hey Kat,

Welcome to Laura"s hun. We have all gone through so

much of what you have too . So when you post in there is

always going to be someone with help and advice . I know

beyond any shadow of a doubt my transition will be a happier

one because of the friendship here , and so will yours Kat.

Together we really are stronger, Luv,viv

[Guest van-na]

Hi Katrina ,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

Thank you all for your understanding, your kind words, and the welcome.

Obviously as with most who are taking their first steps, I have a lot of questions. I will try to keep them in the appropriate forums though. I did read through the forum rules, before posting, I promise. I just didn't know if this was the right forum for that large of an introduction . I would love to attend the live chat meetings if I can, but being a minimum wage drone I have to take the hours they give me so that will be sporadic.

Thank you again all. Tomorrow I start asking the million and one questions to hopefully make all of this a little smoother for me.

Sweet dreams

[Guest Robin Winter]

Night night

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Welcome to the playground Katrina, you have found one of the best resources for a transgendered person on the web, and yes you are transgendered no matter what others might say. Just post and ask away you will find us to be a very loving and supportive bunch of people. Your story has so many similarities to ours it's almost scary but thats just us. It's late but feel free to call on me if you ever need help and support Hon.

Take Care

Charlene Leona

[Guest Amanda joan]

Hello Miss Kat,

I can relate to your story. My Mom is one of my greatest supporters of my transitioning. We don't live in the same state but, she is always there for me. You will not always be at a minium wage job. Use this time to gain the knowledge you will need to be sucessful in business. You should study why everyone is doing what they are doing and try to see how that could work in other businesses that you would like to be a part of.

Doors will open and close for you through out your life, be ready to take advantage of them. I have made some big mistakes in my life but, I don't regreat the lessons I have learned from those mis steps.

I have been lucky when it comes to finding support groups. It all started with a goggle search. I connected with a T-girl who let me know what was available in my area. I have put myself out there and asked for peoples help. I now have a great GT, go to a weekly group for transwomen at a local University and also go to a monthly Transgendered support group. I have also enjoyed going to Drag shows in drag myself. I have met other Transfolks in gay bars and we E-mail each other and talk on the phone when we can.

Kat I need to tell you a funny story. I decided to go to my interview for the University support group fully in femme mood. It is in Washington DC and on my way I was stopped by a police car he came nose to nose with my car and then President Obama's motorcade came past. The officer waved and pulled away. I though my heart was going to jump out of my chest. This was the first time in 7 or 8 years that I had gone out of the house in drag.

If you need to chat PM me anytime.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

Lol wow Amanda I would have had a heart attack on the spot.

I just want to say.... SQUEEEEEE! Hehe I got called ma'am and her 3 times tonight at work by customers. I don't know why, either I'm catching it more or it is occurring more but it makes me feel really good. The thing is that I'm not on hormones, I don't wear make-up at work, my face is always smooth, but as many of you know without electrolysis or LHR that shadow is going to be there. Simply by the way I move, how I act, and my voice people are starting to assume me female. Ok maybe it was a fluke, but it made me feel incredible each time. Right now I am giddy and thinking if get mistaken without even trying, maybe I will be ok once I start on hormones. That is a few years away I'm afraid though.

[Guest Amanda joan]

Kat,

That is wonderful to hear. I mean when people call you by the right pronouns it just feels really nice to hear that. I have been doing LHR and to get back to the Mom stuff, I was talking with my Mom the other day and discussing my financial woes and I mentioned that I was going to cancel my next LHR appointment and she said that she would pay for it and make that one of my Christmas presents. That was amazing to me, to be honest that is one of the best presents I have ever gotten.

I am planning on starting hormones soon. I have been feeling very anxious lately and having a hard time at work and I decided that I needed to get that fixed before I started hormones. Also I have been getting very emotional about the Holidays and that would probaly have me crying all day every day. I am feeling like I will be looking much more feminine by summer. I should be done with my facial LHR in March and I hope to start HRT next month some time. I would like to get a nose job to help feminize my face but, I am not sure how I am going to pay for that.

You sound like you have a plan and that is important. You also need to be ready for it to change from month to month. Nothing should be set in stone. Take your time and plan to learn as much as you can about the standards of care and what you need to do to get where you want to be. I think that it is as much about how you think about youself as it is about how you look.

Good luck and enjoy posting here.Peace & Love Amanda