Hi, My Name Is Stephanie....

[Guest Steph70]

*Stands up in front of everyone* "Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I'm an alcoholic." Been a long time since I've said that. Thought I'd share a little story with everybody. This could go into the biography forum, but not so much since I'm just going to give you the part of my life that I wasn't living. So here goes:

I grew up in Wisconsin. For anyone who lives in or near Wi, ya know how we do it here. For those of you who don't, background: I'm pretty sure we have the highest drunk driving rate in the U.S., and the most lax laws. I grew up in the city next to the city with the highest bar per capita(bars compared to amount of people living in the city) in the world. There is a mile long section of a street that has probably 80% bars on it..corner bar, bar, bar, bar, house, bar, bar, bar, corner bar...sort of like that. What I'm trying to say is, we have a lot of bars. Which translates to being a more tolerant/socially acceptable area for drinking.

So back to me. I started drinking when I was 15(?). It was somewhere around that time. It was just here and there, when I didn't have to work, or could stay over at friends houses, etc. At the same time, we were also smoking pot. When I turned 18, I decided that smoking wasn't a good thing(it's illegal!), so I just stopped. That's when I really started to drink. Probably trying to achieve that 'high' that I missed from smoking.

I went to college, and basically failed out because I spent all my time in the bar in the commons. So my twenties are a blur. I don't remember much of anything, except getting drunk. I'm not sure when it went from 'going out to socialize' to 'going to get drunk'. But I'm sure it was early twenties. I vaguely remember girlfriends that broke up with me(guess why), jobs, etc. I do remember every day waking up and looking outside to see if my truck was there. Then I would go out, and pretend to get something out of it and look for damage.

When I was 25 I got pulled over at 2:30am(bar time!), and the cop drove me home. He told me he expected my truck to be there until 3pm(12 hours is the accepted time that you will be sober again). I waited of course.. Did I take this hint? Nope. Later that year(possibly later that month?) I got pulled over again(guess what time), and got my first DUI(driving under the influence). Two weeks later, I got my second. Jail time for that one..100 days in the pokey. Thank God for huber law(work release). Day I got out, I went out. As a celebration of course.

Over the years, because of drinking, I've broken my leg, my ankle, separated my a/c(shoulder is mangled), got hit with a tire iron in the face, gotten my jaw broken, killed a lot(a lot) of brain cells, trashed a truck, went to jail, lost girlfriends and friends and family, literally lost a roommate, lost jobs, tried suicide, went into debt and screwed my credit(which I am still trying to rectify), lost apartments, and probably more I can't remember because of the haziness. But I am still here. Somebody really loves me *points up*.

Some details of above...leg broken by trying to walk up my driveway, ankle I can't remember but I can't forget it was broke(every time the weather changes I feel it lol).

I was riding my bike home from the bar(yeah! I was smart enough this time to not drive, but you see how that turned out) and bailed. I gave myself a severe concussion and tore the tendons and ligaments that hold your clavicle(collar bone) to your shoulder. The end of the collar bone just sticks up now. Forever. And there is always a constant pain there. I've actually just tuned it out...ignore the pain.

Tire iron to the face came because after bar close, we went to get something to eat, and some dude was yelling at his g/f and smacking her, so I said something to him(beer muscles..you've all seen how 'small' I am lol). He waited outside the restaurant for me and ambushed me with the tire iron. One smack, and I was down and bleeding all over the parking lot. Broke every bone in my head(cheek bones, eye sockets, sinus cavity(behind your forehead)) except for my jawbone(that came at another time...cuz I never learn!). It pushed my brain back 9mm and air was pushed into my head(feel free to call me an airhead!). I spent 2 days in the ICU, 1 day in a regular room, and back to work I went with the wise advise to not drop anything on my head. Of course a day later I dropped a box(worked in shipping at the time) on my head and passed out.

I went to a party and someone who didn't like me was there. He waited until I got seriously wasted, and clocked me in the jaw. Broke it near the ear and right down the center. Have a permanent scar under my chin from where they went in and put it back together. Had my jaw wired shut for 7 weeks. Lived on runny mashed potatoes. At least it was easy to drink beer....

So before I started drinking, I was kinda smart. By kinda, I mean I was the second smartest kid in the state(at the time..IQ between 150-160). Now, with all the drinking and head injuries, I'm lucky I can tie my shoes. Just kidding. But I always think of what I could have done if I hadn't started drinking...what I would be doing career wise(rocket scientist? curing cancer? archeologist?). But a few seconds later I know(not think..but know) that I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't gone through my 'trials and tribulations'. I am happy with who I turned out to be... besides the crossdressing part because that was my dirty secret... but I'm getting over that..but that's a whole other story....and this one is long enough lol.

One Friday night, I was out at the corner bar(suprise, suprise!) getting all kinds of drunk. Bar close came, and me and another guy decided we weren't done yet. So we went back to my apartment. This guy lived across the street from my parents since before we moved there. He was 'the drunk guy'. That's how we knew him. So we are at my house have some 'after bar cocktails', and I just sat up and had an epiphany: "I'm the drunk guy now." This is how my family sees me, this is how my friends see me, this is how my coworkers, landlord, neighbors, bartenders see me. This is me. The drunk guy. I called the owner of the company I worked for at 3:30am, and said I was done. The next day we went to an AA meeting. I stood up and said the the most freeing statement I've ever said. In front of all those people, myself, and God. I'm an alcoholic. That was 10 years, 3 months, and 18 days ago. I have never looked back. I haven't gone to meetings, have never really been tempted to relapse. But I don't fool myself...1 is too many and 1000 is not enough. I hope I never find myself in the position that I want a drink again. I think that night I finally realized that I was killing myself. I wasn't using a noose or pills, but slowly trying to kill myself(so I guess thats technically 2 times I tried suicide). I would call myself lucky...I can go into bars and not be tempted, be at parties where people are drinking, and I am not tempted at all. I just remind myself that if I start again, I'll die. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'll be dead. I'm not ready for that.

I'm not shy about being an alcoholic. Everybody I know knows I am. Maybe that's how I cope...instead of going to meetings, I share. Those 'tellings' are my meetings. They remind me of what I put myself(and everyone who cared about me) through.

And before I joined this site, I never once associated my alcoholism with my crossdressing. I know that I crossdress to bring out my feminine side, and the way I was brought up, that's a bad thing. In another post I said I haven't cried in probably 15+years. Because that's not manly. So I'm sure my head is all messed up, and it probably a big part of what I was 'hiding' from. I wonder how many people actually know I crossdress(drunken crossdressing FTW!). And now in writing this, I wonder if some of the people I lost in my life was because of that...

What a life. I am sorry this is so long. I have never written any of this down. And didn't realize how much I would write. I even skipped some stuff to try and keep it short(short...lmao). I think I'll be stopping in the AA chat. Maybe my experience can help others...and maybe I'll get some help I don't even know I need .

Stephanie the recovering alcoholic

Oh, dear God this is long....just scrolled back up lol

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh, dear God this is long....just scrolled back up lol

Yes it was, Steph....

But truly heart wrenching and optimistic.....

You've been through hell....time for a break, Baby!

I actually went back and read it again.

Thank you....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest viv]

Hey Steph,

Im about 12 years off the sauce . Several things in common with you there hun.

Killing yourself ,,me 2, Gettin hurt,,me 2, trouble with the fuzz,,me 2 losing jobs,,me2, ..

I guess the real test ""am I an alcoholic"" has to be , has your life improved ??? mine has

and so yes ,I am an alcoholic. ***BUT***, as you and I know hun, sobriety is Heaven.

All that crap that comes with being a drunk is gone . Im glad I read your post Steph,

glad I responded (was not goin to,embarrassed) , so hun, hope you enjoy the freedom , I do.

Luv,viv

[Guest Jean Davis]

Ohh My Honey

I just got a look at your profile, we have soooo much in common.

I'm currently living in Wausau, WI and I grew up in Marshfield. I didn't know there was some place in Wisconsin that had more bars than Marshfield.

I'm turning 40 in March so we're only a couple of months away in age.

Did the whole drinking thing, just not to the extent that you have. I'm happy to hear that you were able to quit.

Also I love to work, I held down 2 jobs (a part time and a full time) for many years before this recession. Going kinda' bonkers with out a full time job to keep my mind occupied.

BTW Welcome to the family, perhaps we could chat sometime.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Steph70]

Hi Jean.

Yep, it seems alcohol abuse is more acceptable in Wisconsin than in other places. Look at how many times you see '15th dui' on the news here...And they just passed a law that your 5th(maybe 4th?) dui is now a felony. Really? The 5th one? It amazes me. And I would love to chat sometime! PM me anytime

Viv, I'd have to say my life hasn't only improved, but more started. I wasn't really living. I was more just existing. I'm glad you got over your embarrassment and posted...I think telling people is a good thing, because it reminds us where we came from and where we can go. It's like a little AA meeting! And like I said in my 'novel' up there, I don't think I would be who I am today if I hadn't gone through my 'trials and tribulations'. I just wish I could have done it in a little less time than a decade! I guess I'm a slow learner lol.

Stephanie

[Sally]

Hey Stephanie,

It is better to be a slow learner than to never learn at all.

I managed to avoid alcoholism by never drinking in the first place - there was sort of a family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family tree so I thought that it might just be a little too risky - how about that for clear thinking (or maybe just like everything else I was just too afraid).

I however never escaped the depression and other self destructive behavior, I am currently trying to lose almost half of me - food can substitute for alcohol when depressed!

I am so glad that you have found your way back to reality in a non-altered state of mind.

I hope that some of our younger members will read this and make a responsible decision about alcohol.

Isn't life better when out of the fog?

Love ya,

Sally