Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hi, My Name Is Stephanie....


Guest Steph70

Recommended Posts

Guest Steph70

*Stands up in front of everyone* "Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I'm an alcoholic." Been a long time since I've said that. Thought I'd share a little story with everybody. This could go into the biography forum, but not so much since I'm just going to give you the part of my life that I wasn't living. So here goes:

I grew up in Wisconsin. For anyone who lives in or near Wi, ya know how we do it here. For those of you who don't, background: I'm pretty sure we have the highest drunk driving rate in the U.S., and the most lax laws. I grew up in the city next to the city with the highest bar per capita(bars compared to amount of people living in the city) in the world. There is a mile long section of a street that has probably 80% bars on it..corner bar, bar, bar, bar, house, bar, bar, bar, corner bar...sort of like that. What I'm trying to say is, we have a lot of bars. Which translates to being a more tolerant/socially acceptable area for drinking.

So back to me. I started drinking when I was 15(?). It was somewhere around that time. It was just here and there, when I didn't have to work, or could stay over at friends houses, etc. At the same time, we were also smoking pot. When I turned 18, I decided that smoking wasn't a good thing(it's illegal!), so I just stopped. That's when I really started to drink. Probably trying to achieve that 'high' that I missed from smoking.

I went to college, and basically failed out because I spent all my time in the bar in the commons. So my twenties are a blur. I don't remember much of anything, except getting drunk. I'm not sure when it went from 'going out to socialize' to 'going to get drunk'. But I'm sure it was early twenties. I vaguely remember girlfriends that broke up with me(guess why), jobs, etc. I do remember every day waking up and looking outside to see if my truck was there. Then I would go out, and pretend to get something out of it and look for damage.

When I was 25 I got pulled over at 2:30am(bar time!), and the cop drove me home. He told me he expected my truck to be there until 3pm(12 hours is the accepted time that you will be sober again). I waited of course.. Did I take this hint? Nope. Later that year(possibly later that month?) I got pulled over again(guess what time), and got my first DUI(driving under the influence). Two weeks later, I got my second. Jail time for that one..100 days in the pokey. Thank God for huber law(work release). Day I got out, I went out. As a celebration of course.

Over the years, because of drinking, I've broken my leg, my ankle, separated my a/c(shoulder is mangled), got hit with a tire iron in the face, gotten my jaw broken, killed a lot(a lot) of brain cells, trashed a truck, went to jail, lost girlfriends and friends and family, literally lost a roommate, lost jobs, tried suicide, went into debt and screwed my credit(which I am still trying to rectify), lost apartments, and probably more I can't remember because of the haziness. But I am still here. Somebody really loves me *points up*.

Some details of above...leg broken by trying to walk up my driveway, ankle I can't remember but I can't forget it was broke(every time the weather changes I feel it lol).

I was riding my bike home from the bar(yeah! I was smart enough this time to not drive, but you see how that turned out) and bailed. I gave myself a severe concussion and tore the tendons and ligaments that hold your clavicle(collar bone) to your shoulder. The end of the collar bone just sticks up now. Forever. And there is always a constant pain there. I've actually just tuned it out...ignore the pain.

Tire iron to the face came because after bar close, we went to get something to eat, and some dude was yelling at his g/f and smacking her, so I said something to him(beer muscles..you've all seen how 'small' I am lol). He waited outside the restaurant for me and ambushed me with the tire iron. One smack, and I was down and bleeding all over the parking lot. Broke every bone in my head(cheek bones, eye sockets, sinus cavity(behind your forehead)) except for my jawbone(that came at another time...cuz I never learn!). It pushed my brain back 9mm and air was pushed into my head(feel free to call me an airhead!). I spent 2 days in the ICU, 1 day in a regular room, and back to work I went with the wise advise to not drop anything on my head. Of course a day later I dropped a box(worked in shipping at the time) on my head and passed out.

I went to a party and someone who didn't like me was there. He waited until I got seriously wasted, and clocked me in the jaw. Broke it near the ear and right down the center. Have a permanent scar under my chin from where they went in and put it back together. Had my jaw wired shut for 7 weeks. Lived on runny mashed potatoes. At least it was easy to drink beer....

So before I started drinking, I was kinda smart. By kinda, I mean I was the second smartest kid in the state(at the time..IQ between 150-160). Now, with all the drinking and head injuries, I'm lucky I can tie my shoes. Just kidding. But I always think of what I could have done if I hadn't started drinking...what I would be doing career wise(rocket scientist? curing cancer? archeologist?). But a few seconds later I know(not think..but know) that I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't gone through my 'trials and tribulations'. I am happy with who I turned out to be... besides the crossdressing part because that was my dirty secret... but I'm getting over that..but that's a whole other story....and this one is long enough lol.

One Friday night, I was out at the corner bar(suprise, suprise!) getting all kinds of drunk. Bar close came, and me and another guy decided we weren't done yet. So we went back to my apartment. This guy lived across the street from my parents since before we moved there. He was 'the drunk guy'. That's how we knew him. So we are at my house have some 'after bar cocktails', and I just sat up and had an epiphany: "I'm the drunk guy now." This is how my family sees me, this is how my friends see me, this is how my coworkers, landlord, neighbors, bartenders see me. This is me. The drunk guy. I called the owner of the company I worked for at 3:30am, and said I was done. The next day we went to an AA meeting. I stood up and said the the most freeing statement I've ever said. In front of all those people, myself, and God. I'm an alcoholic. That was 10 years, 3 months, and 18 days ago. I have never looked back. I haven't gone to meetings, have never really been tempted to relapse. But I don't fool myself...1 is too many and 1000 is not enough. I hope I never find myself in the position that I want a drink again. I think that night I finally realized that I was killing myself. I wasn't using a noose or pills, but slowly trying to kill myself(so I guess thats technically 2 times I tried suicide). I would call myself lucky...I can go into bars and not be tempted, be at parties where people are drinking, and I am not tempted at all. I just remind myself that if I start again, I'll die. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'll be dead. I'm not ready for that.

I'm not shy about being an alcoholic. Everybody I know knows I am. Maybe that's how I cope...instead of going to meetings, I share. Those 'tellings' are my meetings. They remind me of what I put myself(and everyone who cared about me) through.

And before I joined this site, I never once associated my alcoholism with my crossdressing. I know that I crossdress to bring out my feminine side, and the way I was brought up, that's a bad thing. In another post I said I haven't cried in probably 15+years. Because that's not manly. So I'm sure my head is all messed up, and it probably a big part of what I was 'hiding' from. I wonder how many people actually know I crossdress(drunken crossdressing FTW!). And now in writing this, I wonder if some of the people I lost in my life was because of that...

What a life. I am sorry this is so long. I have never written any of this down. And didn't realize how much I would write. I even skipped some stuff to try and keep it short(short...lmao). I think I'll be stopping in the AA chat. Maybe my experience can help others...and maybe I'll get some help I don't even know I need :rolleyes: .

Stephanie the recovering alcoholic

Oh, dear God this is long....just scrolled back up lol

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean
Oh, dear God this is long....just scrolled back up lol

Yes it was, Steph....

But truly heart wrenching and optimistic.....

You've been through hell....time for a break, Baby!

I actually went back and read it again.

Thank you....

LOVE

Donna Jean

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Steph,

Im about 12 years off the sauce . Several things in common with you there hun.

Killing yourself ,,me 2, Gettin hurt,,me 2, trouble with the fuzz,,me 2 losing jobs,,me2, ..

I guess the real test ""am I an alcoholic"" has to be , has your life improved ??? mine has

and so yes ,I am an alcoholic. ***BUT***, as you and I know hun, sobriety is Heaven.

All that crap that comes with being a drunk is gone . Im glad I read your post Steph,

glad I responded (was not goin to,embarrassed) , so hun, hope you enjoy the freedom , I do.

Luv,viv :)

Link to comment
Guest Jean Davis

Ohh My Honey

I just got a look at your profile, we have soooo much in common.

I'm currently living in Wausau, WI and I grew up in Marshfield. ;) I didn't know there was some place in Wisconsin that had more bars than Marshfield. :lol:

I'm turning 40 in March so we're only a couple of months away in age. :P

Did the whole drinking thing, just not to the extent that you have. I'm happy to hear that you were able to quit. ;)

Also I love to work, I held down 2 jobs (a part time and a full time) for many years before this recession. Going kinda' bonkers with out a full time job to keep my mind occupied. :lol:

BTW Welcome to the family, perhaps we could chat sometime. :P

LUV

Jean

Link to comment
Guest Steph70

Hi Jean.

Yep, it seems alcohol abuse is more acceptable in Wisconsin than in other places. Look at how many times you see '15th dui' on the news here...And they just passed a law that your 5th(maybe 4th?) dui is now a felony. Really? The 5th one? It amazes me. And I would love to chat sometime! PM me anytime :)

Viv, I'd have to say my life hasn't only improved, but more started. I wasn't really living. I was more just existing. I'm glad you got over your embarrassment and posted...I think telling people is a good thing, because it reminds us where we came from and where we can go. It's like a little AA meeting! And like I said in my 'novel' up there, I don't think I would be who I am today if I hadn't gone through my 'trials and tribulations'. I just wish I could have done it in a little less time than a decade! I guess I'm a slow learner lol.

Stephanie

Link to comment

Hey Stephanie,

It is better to be a slow learner than to never learn at all.

I managed to avoid alcoholism by never drinking in the first place - there was sort of a family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family tree so I thought that it might just be a little too risky - how about that for clear thinking (or maybe just like everything else I was just too afraid).

I however never escaped the depression and other self destructive behavior, I am currently trying to lose almost half of me - food can substitute for alcohol when depressed!

I am so glad that you have found your way back to reality in a non-altered state of mind.

I hope that some of our younger members will read this and make a responsible decision about alcohol.

Isn't life better when out of the fog?

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 92 Guests (See full list)

    • christinakristy2021
    • Davie
    • Ashley0616
    • MaryEllen
    • Savvy
    • RaineOnYourParade
    • BobbiSkunk
    • Alisa Anne
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.6k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,126
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Alisa Anne
    Newest Member
    Alisa Anne
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. BEAN_CHILD
      BEAN_CHILD
    2. Chrystopher
      Chrystopher
      (28 years old)
    3. Chuckey
      Chuckey
      (63 years old)
    4. Elias
      Elias
    5. Han_
      Han_
  • Posts

    • Davie
    • RaineOnYourParade
      I recently realized I share a birthday with two characters in my favorite show!   Kirishima and Tetsutetsu, both which are guys who comment on things being manly (not in a toxic masculinity type way? They'll call basically anything they find positive "manly"). Kirishima especially is considered a poster boy for positive masculinity, and Tetsutetsu serves as comedy in being very similar to Kirishima in almost every way. I guess that makes October 16th the manliest birthday lol   I find gender affirmation in the strangest places 💀
    • Davie
    • Vidanjali
      Short answer, yes. Not easy!! And the "overcome" part is a continuous work in progress. A story is told:   Say you're lost in the woods on a moonless night. It's so dark you cannot even see your hand on front of your face. What do you do? Pick a direction and start walking. You may be on the path out of the woods or you may be going deeper into the woods - you don't know and for some time there's no way to tell the difference. But you keep going. After some time, you begin to see a glimmer of light, not much but just enough to contrast with the previous deep darkness. But it's enough to encourage you that you're going the right way to escape being lost in the dark wilderness.    It's an allegory for the spiritual path. Or if you're not spiritual, call it the path to metal health. For a long time you simply go through the motions and do your best to keep up the forward momentum. You don't perceive yourself as making any progress - it all seems the same. But you practice and develop strength and keep going. Then you begin to notice small differences. You're not as reactive as you used to be. You still have nightmares, but somehow you have more agency in them. There are moments where you experience peace of mind.    Trust is probably the #1 biggest issue for people who've experienced trauma. Certainly it has been for me. Trusting love is real - that's major. But I've found that trust in love is not developed via relationships with others, but rather by learning about yourself and how to feel self-secure. And that is not a matter of autonomy, but rather gaining insight into who you are, essentially. Who you are is indomitable and adorable. You come to believe that in a profound way (not in an egotistical way) and you feel safe anywhere and in all circumstances. You have a feeling of communion and goodwill with all. You are not attached or affected by the actions of others, but are profoundly self-assured in unconditional love for yourself and all. Easily said, but that potential lies in all. It requires guidance, will, discipline, grace, and patience.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  I'm a short ways out of town here.  Hay field across the road.  Pasture on 2 sides in back, and lots of trees in my yard - back yard is basically a small woods.  I'm a bit of a tree hugger.
    • Ivy
      There was no such thing when I was growing up.  Some of my kids played them though, but only the younger ones.  We didn't have a computer for the oldest ones. About the only game I've ever played was Tetris, and that was on one of those old gameboy things.  I still have little interest in them.  My ex did do something for awhile, animal crossing I think.  
    • Mmindy
      I remember living that way. My parents didn’t get an air conditioner until the mid 1970s, just before I moved out. Their house was built to utilize cross winds or fans to keep air moving. In those days it was very important to keep the screens in order so the mosquitoes 🦟 out. Flies were dealt with by using fly traps. You do get acclimated to the hot or cold weather in those situations.    Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
      Well I have been absent recently due to my new hobby of computer gaming. I have worked on a collection of NES, SNES, N64, Sega and now revamping up my PlayStation 1 and 2 collection and then will get Xbox original. My computer isn't powerful enough to run Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 games. It's fun to see the old games that I grew up with. 
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on your journey!
    • Mirrabooka
      More than 30% of Australian households now have rooftop solar PV: Solar energy - Australian Renewable Energy Agency (ARENA)   in America it is only 5%: How Many Americans Have Solar Panels in 2024? (solarinsure.com)
    • Mirrabooka
      It's truly bizarre, the changes that have happened over the years. Larger houses on smaller blocks of land which means less trees because there's no room for them, so less shading and the resultant need to run air-con harder, which adds to suburban heat sink, which results in higher local ambient temperatures, which results in increased air-con use. Vicious circle.
    • Ivy
      I don't have "air" here, so I pretty much live with what Mother Nature gives me.  Fortunately, there are trees in my yard which helps in the NC summer.  Windows and doors open all summer - closed up in winter. I do have fans, ceiling and windows. When you think about it, everyone used to live this way.
    • KatieSC
      I cannot say that I have. As much as we hope that love, compassion, and therapy help, sometimes opening ourselves up to individuals who later to out to disingenuous, results in worsening of the original trauma. In addition, it may provide a secondary trauma. I have experienced this first hand, and it has left me hardened more than diamond or titanium. There is an emptiness that grabs you when you have been betrayed for innocently opening ourselves up, only to find someone who has went behind your back, and tried to destroy your life.    As for therapy, well, for some of us it works I suppose, until we either run out of money. Insurance is often not useful. There are many "counselors" who will not accept the insurance payments, but will willingly charge much more. When my counselor unilaterally decided to increase charges from 130/session to 180/session, I said enough is enough. I survive, sometimes despite myself. I have paid a fortune out of pocket for everything, and have no illusions about it. If I did not pay what I paid, I would not have received the services including the counseling. Transactional? Yes. I already knew I was transgender. That little gift will exist until my last heartbeat occurs. I will endure because I want to, and because my job/profession benefit others.    It was hard enough coming out later in life. I knew it would be hard. If I had a choice, would I choose to be transgender? No. If I had it to do over again, I would never tell a soul. I would take everything to the grave with me. 
    • Ivy
      I like Frida.
    • Ladypcnj
      Good question, when it comes to love, the trauma from past makes it hard for me to know wither someone really loves me or not. My therapist suggested that I embrace my femininity more, due to my past trauma held me back from doing so and forgive those who mistreated me.  
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...