What Do You Do With Yourself?

[Guest AlexanderG]

Gender Therapy, HRT, it's mainly all wait, wait, wait.

What do you do in the meantime?

I don't even mean with how you handle your feelings, cuz I know I'll just have to suck it up and stand it for as long as I can.

I mean with... life in general. When you don't pass worth nuts but you just don't want to 'be' of your physical birth gender. I feel that the next... 1 to 2 years I'll be out pretending I'm a guy when OBVIOUSLY I'm not. Like, who am I kidding anyway?

I know this takes a long breath, and I know that I, when I really do want something, have that long breath, but I already feel...

If I'm going to have to feel like this for years coming I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

*sits back and waits for all the 'just be patient's*

PS If I 'disappear' don't worry I'm not doing anything stupid to myself, at least nothing really stupid.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Gender Therapy, HRT, it's mainly all wait, wait, wait.

*sits back and waits for all the 'just be patient's*

PS If I 'disappear' don't worry I'm not doing anything stupid to myself, at least nothing really stupid.

Oh, Alex...I guess that I can't say that, then.....

But, I CAN tell you that you are not alone in this.....

I'm waiting, too....therapy, HRT....it's all in the works, but I must present male at work and that just kills me...

But, my therapist wants me to take it slowly there so it's going to be a while.....drag...drag...drag!

And so many more of us waiting, coping, tapping our fingers....

I truly do understand, Hon.....

Huggs...

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Alex,

I can tell you that waiting is very hard and you already know that I have had delays from very real sources and some from imaginary - some seemed to have come form outer space but I just went on - I wrote poetry and I played my trumpet.

I came here and talked to my friends (A LOT) and I have made it to the point where I am on HRT but still presenting male at work (Dee Jay and I are close to the same age too) - I am out to about a half dozen people - none of whom accept me my mother and sister are still trying to convince me that I am mistaken or brainwashed.

You must struggle just to survive

By keeping your eye on the prize

You will surprise everyone including yourself

When you finally step down off of that shelf

And all of those hurdles will be in the distant past

As you emerge as your true self Alexander at last

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AlexanderG]

Thanks girls, I do appreciate your responses. And I know - I know everyone has to go through this.

I don't want to be whining, and that's what I feel I'm doing even if you tell me it's not.

Just one more question than and I'll leave you all alone; the psychiatrist I'll be seeing can put me on something like mood stabilizers, right??? Would it help or harm that 'cause' if I'd be honest to him/her about wanting to start smoking & stop eating?

[Guest N. Jane]

What Do You Do With Yourself?

If I answered that, I would be banned from the forum!

[Guest Donna Jean]

If I answered that, I would be banned from the forum!

OMG, Hon ....

You're making my brain work overtime to figure that one out!....lol

And alex....

There's no use paying a psychiatrist if you're not going to be straight out with them....

Heck, you might as well make up everything!

No, honey....straight out ..give it all up....OK?

Good!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest NatashaJade]

Alex,

If you wait for things to happen and focus on the waiting, then life will pass you by. Transitioning is just a part of life. It is not the entirety of it. While I waited to start HRT, I lived my life. I worked. I played. I wrote. I enjoyed my family and friends and kids and everything else that makes life worth living. Being trans doesn't mean that is all you are allowed to be or all you have to be. Be Alex. Be yourself. This isn't all there is.

luv

Gin

[Guest Miss Aeryn]

If I answered that, I would be banned from the forum!

Ditto.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Alex,

If you wait for things to happen and focus on the waiting, then life will pass you by. Transitioning is just a part of life. It is not the entirety of it. While I waited to start HRT, I lived my life. I worked. I played. I wrote. I enjoyed my family and friends and kids and everything else that makes life worth living. Being trans doesn't mean that is all you are allowed to be or all you have to be. Be Alex. Be yourself. This isn't all there is.

luv

Gin

Oh it's not, I know.

& if I felt I had stability, security, in other fields, I don't think I would be feeling like this.

I'm 22, I know it's normal to still be trying to figure out my place in this world. As it is I'm not part of it. This world, I mean. I'm not sure I even want to be.

You know Adam's Song by Blink182?

"I can't wait till I get home, to spend the time in my room alone."

That's basically me. Alone, I can create my own little world, like I've been doing for, so I realize, years. Where I can fool myself into thinking any of my dreams will actually come true and forget how lonely and small and unknown I really am. Part of me wants to go out there,join in, get into that School of Arts, make friends, career, fall in love, have fun. Part of me wants to be left alone and stay outside of it all, even if just because I'm afraid to find out that I can't even if I try.

Gender identity isn't all there is. It's not even there. None of this is real. It's only me, alone in my room, making plans to begin living to postpone forever.

Waiting, for what? Life to begin. Myself to change. Life to end. Even if I'm too intimidated to consider what might come after Life.

In other words; I'm depressed. Again. It always comes back. I just pray that this time, having to go to a psych and all, something will actually change. Previously I've sat it out, pulled myself through, thought it was gone for whiles. It never is, never really, never for real. Maybe it's related to TS, maybe not. Maybe I'm not TS at all, just confused. Just making it up because I'm endowed with a theatrical need for unhappiness so I create problems that aren't really there.

"If you want nothing, don't ask for something."

I want nothing - to do nothing, to have to do nothing, to be nothing, to have nothing to decide, nothing my responsibilaty (sp?). And most of all, to feel nothing. Just for a while.

I'd like to be Alex but I don't have a loving clue who that is. Not even if it's a he or a she.

Okay I'm done now.

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

aww hun, I understand so much of that. I feel quite a lot more confident now with my gender issues, maybe that'll happen for you, in time. but just yeah, that feeling that every aspect of existing is just too much, you go to bed each night hoping to feel some kind of rest but wake up each morning not feeling any better equipped to deal with the day. living just feels so tiring, that you honestly just feel like you want to die, just a for little bit, just not exist for a while, just to have a break from it.

I don't think you're making it all up just to make yourself unhappy, it more likely that your depression leads you to self doubt. But you have time yet, and you have some good friends and a good head on your shoulders, you'll figure it out, and you don't have to do so alone. Just try not to struggle so much with the question, when i finally got some clarity it just appeared, no questions or struggling or attempting to logically analyse it made a slightest bit of difference.

And remember that becoming Alex is about more than just becoming a boy, it's about becoming the person you want to be, in every aspect, wherever you've felt held back by other people or society or your own limitations, fears and insecurities. People say you should learn to accept who you are and be happy with that, but i don't think you can do that until you've truly tried to reach for your potential, you won't achieve every goal, but I think we become happier with ourselves when we know it isn't ourselves holding us back. I think that's when you become happy but still have the ambition and drive to always try and make things better, and I know that's where I would like to be.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Been there - doing it!

BUT I am on HRT finally - and just passed my year mark. It seemed nothing was happening - then I happened to look at the photo I took one year before! Wow

And what to do? VOICE TRAINING! It takes a good two years to get good results. It HAS to be done!

And mood enhancers? I used them for a while - maybe they will help? Not for me though.

And I DO work on those little things I can do while awaiting the changes - like electrolysis. If it went faster - I would be bankrupt! In fact, I had to quit temporarily because of the costs. And softening mu skin with moisturizers. And reading up on women's history.

You could do reading on the FTM equivalent. And buff up, maybe.

Just an opinion or two

Lizzy

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Oh btw as a practical thing you should try doing some weight lifting, it'll pump your guns, and the exercise will help lift your depression. it's stupidly hard to make yourself do it when you feel depressed, which is kinda the elephant in the room, but if you can manage it, exercise really does seem to help.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Sam, thank you thank you.

& you too, Elizabeth.

If this is related to TS, though, that means I was TS when 13 (well, I would've been, but I had NO clue then, nor until about a year ago) so it's not JUST that in any case. Something more general. I dunno. I thought I was past denial but apparently I'm not.

A general fear of being alive.

Just... sorry, but the LAST thing I want to do is buff up. I have an eating disorder because I want to be skinny (thinspo Mika). I'm planning a fast to LOSE weight, not add (21 days, 10kgs, fingers crossed!!!). Sam, you're right, exercise does help once you get into it. It's the getting into it, like you say, that's the hard part. I have a lateral thigh trainer, perfectly neglected. Put it on my New Year's resolutions list.

(and yes I worry like crap about how HRT makes one gain weight)

No. Wait. That's not the hardest part. The hardest part

(was letting go not taking part) (for those who know their Coldplay)

is that my moods go down AND up. So I feel okay one moment, or euphoric, on top of the world - and then I go, "see, I don't need help, I'm fine, it was just a mood, a time-of-month-thing (not right now), lack of sleep," but then I crash down again. If I could at least be consistent, you know? This way I keep bagatellizing it.

BTW it's responsibility isn't it? (yes my GT noted I'm perfectionist, yes I am, yes that's why I'm ED'd and I quit things before I start and why the not-perfect-penis thing upset me for days when I found out about that).

This is becoming a personal rant-thread. I'm in constant need of being reassured you all's not rolling your eyes thinking I'm a drama queen.

And that for someone trying to convince themselves they don't care what other people think.

Go figure.

Resolution 2: don't bother other people with your petty problems.

[Guest Miss Aeryn]

well since I've let the cat out of the bag on a pinned thread might as well answer this question honestly: What do I do with myself?

I am an independent escort.

And Alexander how is your resolution going? lol 'Petty' problems or not this is what this place is for yeah? Sometimes the hardest thing in life is learning patience *said through gritted teeth*

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Obviously a little worried with your intention to starve yourself. Is there a reason you want to be skinny? how skinny? is it a body dysphoria thing? a serious eating disorder? Muscles would help define a more masculine shape

[Guest andreahilton]

Waitiing does suck, totally agreed.

I'm in the same place as you, I have to wait for another few months (until March) until I can see the gender therapists again. They don't even care that my body obviously is showing it will wreck my body into a man pretty much now. Slowly luckily.

Lately, I have been trying to be myself but my stupid step mother just told me recently that I will always be a boy no matter how much I change my body. She nearly made me want to punch her light out.

I'm not sure if this will work for you but this will sound strange but sometime I like to cut up or destroy my male clothes or male items to feel better. You could do that but the other way.

Try to change you thinking from "I feel that the next... 1 to 2 years I'll be out pretending I'm a guy when OBVIOUSLY I'm not. Like, who am I kidding anyway?" to something like "I am a male but sadly my body is female but that will not stop me from being me" etc

Works for me (in the other way) even though people like my step mother tried to hurt my feelings.

Plus everything everybody else already said.

Just NEVER give up ok?

[Guest viv]

Hey hun,

What do I do ??????wellllllllllllll, about 10 monthly sessions of laser ouch ouch treatment.

That gets rid of those little dark &%+<>xx,,,then there"s (for me )about a year of electro to get

rid of those little gray &%+<>xx. thats the physical **discomfort, **, ..Then there"s the

grooming ,,,,you have to learn to be spot on there or suffer the consequences ,,,then there is a

whole bunch of mannerisms you have to learn to adopt ,,you have to be spot on there or you

suffer the consequences, Oh, dear me , nearly forgot, then there"s my female voice ,,,,,oh yes,

its there ,,,,,,,,"",some freakin where""!!!!!!, Eh, thats page 1 of thousands. Oh these little chores

life hands us lol,,,,,,,,you did ask hun....... luv,viv

[Guest CJwar]

I feel like I'm i your exact same boat man. All this waiting is driving me crazy...I can't start doing anything, until I find a job, or get on a program that will help pay for my transition...but that's either here no there.

I think one of the guys already said it, and it actually is working. I'm getting my body ready for T...that means working out, eating right, sleeping right, stretching...and doing all the stuff that I know I want to do when I have T.

I'm not passing either, but it doesn't stop me from trying. Go out into the world, in your full male get up, with your male attitude, and test people. I go to the store, to see if they address me as sir or ma'am, since I have to go to class, which requires me waiting for a bus, people sometimes ask me for directions, so I get to try out my voice. I mean...its little stuff, but sometimes that little stuff goes along way to gratification. Or get online, set up a voice chat, or xbl, or psn, and try your voice, and see what works to pass by voice alone.

The world is out there, waiting for you...don't wait for the world to happen...you make it happen. Keep a journal. I have like two...one of my overall day, and another for the changes my body is going through while working out, which when I get on T will include changes I get on T.

Join a youtube channel of Trans Guys...I'm apart of a channel, of all pre-t trans guys, where every week we talk about different topics. Its amazing how knowing other people have similar stories, are going through the same thing you are, and now you have something to look forward to on a weekly basis. And then you can use the videos as a visual progression, of you before T, and once you get on it..keep doing the videos, so you can see how much you change in a week. Or a month..whatever. I got loads of ideas...if you need anymore, I'll help you come up with something.

Another thing I'm doing...I've always wanted to brush up on my french and spanish, so I spend time trying to do that, and practice it with people I meet online. Has nothing to do with Transitioning, but it keeps my mind off the "waiting period."

[Guest AlexanderG]

thanks everyone, I appreciate your responses.

I'm not gonna be on here for a while. So maybe later & otherwise best of luck to you all.