Christmas Humor

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Ok here is the one for the lawyer in all of us

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Legal Version

(Legal Version) Author Unknown

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain

improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of

stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and

around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/

St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime

thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were

located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations,

i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited

to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in

said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"),

being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the

second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained

period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of

headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the

unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a

certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of

the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the

cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of

wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being

pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)

reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the

previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the

approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal

co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder

and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is

further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been

involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer

intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences

located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle

was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or

nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or

implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the

chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue

from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the

aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what

appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances

and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor

children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.

(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the

applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus

touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of

the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as

"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,

the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry

Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Santa Claus is Coming To Town - for UNIX geeks

better !pout !cry

better watchout

lpr why

santa claus town

cat /etc/passwd >list

ncheck list

ncheck list

cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist

cat list | grep nice >giftlist

santa claus town

who | grep sleeping

who | grep awake

who | grep bad || good

for (goodness sake) {

be good

}

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

A Programmer's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,

The computers were whirring; they never do stop.

The power was on and the temperature right,

In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,

And memory drums had been carefully loaded;

While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,

The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,

The programmer ran to see what was the matter.

Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,

Forgetting his key in his curious dash.

He stood in the hallway and looked all about,

When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;

And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,

Chuckled: 'My name is Santa...the last name is Claus.'

The computer was startled, confused by the name,

Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:

'This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,

And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.'

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;

It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.

It searched in its memory core, trying to 'think';

Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,

It said in a voice that was almost a sob:

'Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,

Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,

And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;

But your name and your address (computers can't lie),

Are things that I just cannot identify.

You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,

That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly;

My scanners can see you, but still I insist, S

ince you're not in my program, you cannot exist!'

Old Santa just chuckled a merry 'ho, ho',

And sat down to type out a quick word or so.

The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,

As Santa fed this 'data' to the machine:

'Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;

The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;

But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;

Too bad your programmers forgot about me.'

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,

"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug.

[Guest viv]

Hi hun,

MORE ,MORE , MORE , ,Thanks, viv.