A Little About Me

[Guest NatashaJade]

I think I knew I was not like my brothers very early on. Even as a 5 year old, I knew that wearing mommy's clothing was something I would have to hide rather than face the ridicule of my brothers. Most of my youth was spent overcompensating for my "wrong" feeling, being as much a boy as possible because if they knew I was a girl, I would get it even worse than I did. So I hid myself and when my parents split and my mother moved me across the country, I was free for a time and I was me for a time. I went back to my dad because my mom was worse and I hid when I had to and wore my dad's girlfriend's clothes and make-up and took their birth control pills and went to the library and read about transsexualism and knew that was me and I couldn't do anything about it.

I went to college and tried to be Jim Morrison for awhile, but he was a man and I didn't fit that role very well. I found more books in the college library and tried to kill myself twice and finally ran away to be a woman. I jumped a bus to Denver to start a new life but I was too much a coward to go through with it and stayed a man.

I suffered through years of depression and suicidal thought until I found my wife. I thought I could be a man with her, the man she wanted and needed and the man I wanted to be and felt like I needed to be. The woman I am didn't go away. I wanted kids. I wanted a happy marriage and you know what? I have that. But the woman I am never went away. My wife accepted and enjoyed me as a crossdresser. It was fun for her. It was fun for me, but it was never enough. I introduced her to the term "transgendered" and thought I could be that and she was okay with that. Not enough, though. I tried herbal crap for a month, but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, the right way to go, so I stopped that.

I finally found a GT and told my wife why I needed to see a therapist who was not on the insurance. She told me to do what I needed to do. So I went and I tried to kill the woman in me to be the man I felt my wife and kids needed and my therapist and I discovered that the woman in me was not about to die. I was not about to give up my life because I have always been here. I broke the news to my wife and she has been working through it. She says that if I had cancer, she wouldn't leave me. If I was in a car accident, she wouldn't leave me. She understand I have no control over this and never meant to deceive her and she trusts that what I am doing must be done for my health and happiness. She knows that a happy, female partner is better than a depressed, angry suicidal male partner. She told me to start HRT because she knows it is what I need. I would never have done it without her approval. She is my guide and best friend and partner in all things and I am so thankful for her. I always tell her she saved my life and she did.

So now? I'm "transitioning". A lovely journey that I share with each of you and I share as you travel along. Thank you for being a part of my life as I go along. May we all get where we are going as we want to be, if not when we want to be. Love to you all.

Gin

[Guest Elizabeth K]

So I went and I tried to kill the woman in me to be the man I felt my wife and kids needed and my therapist and I discovered that the woman in me was not about to die.

Yes - we understand - completely. That's where it usually goes. We have to do what we have to do.

We invite you to keep on working it through with us here. Our condition is a roller coaster ride at best. Its best when you have some people with you.

Loves you!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Very moving story, Gin......

I also tried for to keep Donna Jean down, but finally she won out and I'm so happy that se did...

When we're like we are it's so awful hard trying to be the "man", isn't it, Gin?

It hurts so badly, we TRY to fit in, we work so hard at it, but, it's a losing battle one way or another...

Either we end up killing ourselves, dying inside or living a wretched existence...

Or..............becoming ourselves!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Cris]

Hi Gin,

It sounds like you have a great partner in life that is supportive of you. Its a journey that is filled with lots of emotions along the way. With the love and support of family and friends you will transition nicely.

Girls Rock....

Kisses

Cris

[Sally]

Hello Gin,

Your story rings true for so many of us, I am very happy that you have survived, the one thing that it is good to fail at is suicide!

You have a wife that loves you - the person for your mind, your spirit, your soul whatever you want to call the life force that makes you the wonderful person that you are - not for the packaging and that is rare.

I don't know why others have so much trouble reaching her level of understanding but so many do, it is like they come down to the tree on Christmas morning and admire the beautiful packages and never open them to find the important part - the gift!

That gift is you - the awesome, loving woman that has been hidden away far too long.

Love ya,

Sally

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing your story, Gin. You are blessed to have an understanding wife. She sees your need to be yourself. I wish you the best as you transition. Keep us posted on your progress.

Gennee

[Guest ricka]

So happy to hear that you are where you are and that your wife has stuck by you. How about buying her flowers and telling her they're from your sisters at Laura's!

Ricka