Suffering In Silence

[Guest Amanda joan]

This has been bugging me for a while and the book that I am reading now has brought this back to the front of my mind.

I have been scolded for starting a conversation about my transexualism with out giving the person I'm talking to the option to be involved or not. I have also been told that I spoke to someone about my being transgendered without first telling them that I am transgendered. It seems to me that in our culture it is wrong to speak about one's transexualism without the proper context. It also seems that we are counciled to keep this to ourselves and that our goal is to blend in to pass and to not be read. Why should I hide who I am? Is it because I should be ashamed of who I am? Is it because I make others uncomfortable?

When you are in theraphy does your GT focus on how you are to fit into the new gender role that you wish to assume? Do you get tips on how best to fit into the gender you feel you belong to? I think I would think that I would like to be able to fit in and be considered one of the girls but, is that realistic? I have been a guy for over 40 years and that is how most people see me now. There is no way that I can have all of them change how the view me in a short time. So what's wrong with being transgendered? Is there anyone who can say that we are doing anything to bennifit the cause of transgendered peoples rights by blending in and disapearing from sight? I don't know how we can change the way the world sees us. I don't want to be viewed as some sideshow sex object or some freak of nature. I want for us to be accepted for who we are, we are the Third gender as diverse as the males and the females. We are not just some small insignifigant part of society, there are many in our community that have done great things. We are parents, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, Doctors and Lawyers and many more wonderful things. So why do we need to wisper that we are different, that our gender does not fit into the model so many wish to use. Why do we need to hide the fact the we prefer to wear the clothes of the opposite sex? Are we helpping our cause by hidding and being silent about our struggles. Can we not atleast go out of our way to greet each other when we see another trans-person on the street or in a store. Can we not be proud of who we are and stand up for our rights, freedom of expression and the pursuit of happiness.

What will you do to help change the way people think? Can you be the one who helps to change the way we are looked upon by the rest of society?

I do not share this need to be silent anymore. I don't feel the need to wipser when I talk about what I am going through and how I feel about it. I don't care if this makes people uncomfortable. I don't like when people tell me about their problems some times but, I will never tell them that they don't have the right to talk about their problems to me.

Now I know that there is an issue with our saftey. I don't want everyone to walk down the street with a sign that says I transgendered get used to it!! I do want people to stop fearing acceptance from the people that they love. If they truely love you then they should be able to accept you as you are. This may take some time to work through but, I would rather that be the norm then us all spending years in silent misery affraid that we will not be accepted by our families.

I belive we have a choice here, we can hide and then blend in or we can be open and bold about who we are and ask those who we know to accept us for who we are. This has been a long time coming and I would be delusional if I thoght this post was going to change the world but, it could be a start!

Peace & Love Amanda Joan

[Sally]

Well Amanda, you joined just days before I had the first annual Transgendered Pride Day here in the forums - I have felt that we needed to be proud and not ashamed of all that we have had to go through just tobe ourselves - all of the rest of society is born into the acceptance of them as they appear - we were not so we have hidden for a long time.

Once it was for our own safety but now as time progresses and I have waited until the twilight of my yeas to begin my transition I am not going to go into hiding.

I have started to mention the Transgendered Pride Day in other forums and have let people know that it is on the first Sunday of August each year - I am making efforts to have some sort of celebration in the 3D world as well as the Internet and I am urging people in other communities to do so as well - Pride isn't just for others it is for us too.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Natalie92]

I know how you feel. Just a couple of weeks ago, someone I thought was my friend and even accepted me told me that my transgenderism was "creeping her out". She got mad at me because I didn't pick up the fact that "I'm glad you're expressing yourself and feel comfortable enough to tell me." actually meant "You're creepy and I don't want to talk about this with you. Leave me alone." She had know for 2 weeks, offering me advice whenever I needed it and never seemed to have any sort of problems with it. I would've even understood if she told me right from the beginning that she was uncomfortable talking about it with me. The worst part was, she brought it up when I was simply asking if she wanted to hang out before she had to go to work. She brought up the transgender thing that day before I did, and because of that, she gave me a pass from feeling any guilt whatsoever.

Sorry for that, I needed to ramble.

Natalie

[Guest Amanda joan]

Let me ask you something,

Have you ever had someone start taking about their lastest illness and just feel like hey!!! to much information here!!

I have but, you know what, I hang in there and listen to their story. I empothize with them and tell them how sorry I am about what they have had to go through.

Why should we think that we don't deserve the same curtsey?

I admit this is not something that people hear about everyday but, so what! They need to know that this is out there so that it becomes part of the everyday coversation and then teenager won't have to think about killing themselves because they feel like so kind of freak and that no one understands what they are going through. Let's face it it's not only teenagers. The real truth about suicide in our community is that it's nothing more that a reaction to the community we live in. The people we are sourounded by push us into feeling like we don't have a place in their world. They make us feel like death would be better than living with them everyday.

I say thats B.S.!!!!!! We have as much right to be here as anyone else!!!!

Peace & Love Amanda

[Sally]

They usually come up to me while I am eating dinner and tell me about their latest surgery.

I have always had the misfortune of everyone I meet even just at the cash register in a store telling me their entire life's story but they never have time to hear mine!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Michele H]

You need a new counselor - he/she is so old school. I'm 64 - started my transition slightly less than 2 years ago and I thought I wanted to just blend in - but I find that I 'out' myself (deliberately) every now and then. Veronica (my therapists) laughs, reminds me of where I was 2 years ago and says I'm growing. I pass about 99.5 percent of the time so I could blend in but choose to acknowledge that I'm trans when there is an opportunity for education.

BTW I really really hate the word PASS - it has very negative connotations. We need a new word - something that applies not just to TG but to GG as well something that indicates how often our gender (female) is correctly read by others. GG's are occasionally mistaken for guys - and for women my age, I'm probably batting as high an average GG but they don't use the word pass and I don't think we should either - at least not outside the so

[Guest ChloëC]

Amanda,

I'm not in therapy nor am I terribly qualified, but it just seems to me that whoever you are, or whatever you are, it's strictly your decision as to who you want to tell and what you want to tell, especially if whatever your decision is, causes no harm to anyone.

Most the time I feel that there are things people are just uncomfortable about and gender issues is a major one of those things, and you or anyone saying anything about it makes them feel more uncomfortable so they want to transfer that feeling (being totally human like we all are) away from themselves and on to you. Basically it's blaming you for their uncomfortableness.

Sometimes people I'm with will make odd or negative comments about cd or tv people they read about or see in the media, and I think it's to get a rise out of others around them so they can either feel a little more comfortable in knowing that others feel the same way, or seeing what response they get from others and re-judging those on their responses.

Since I'm still basically 'hidden', I mostly respond as I do here - hey, it's their choice and if they aren't harming anyone, what does it matter, and sometimes, 'why do YOU care?'. And that usually gives them that uncomfortable feeling, but they can't do much about it except toss out some slyly negative remark and drop it.

I applaud people like you that are willing to be out front with who you are, but I also respect those that want to remain stealth. Just as I would hope most if not all therapists would be more understanding then some seem to be.

But that's just my opinion.

Chloë

[Guest viv]

Hello Amanda,

I think my younger sisters will live to see the day when we

are treated no differently than the rest of women in society. To me that

means never having to explain yourself re your gender anywhere. But,

for now we are still in the ""dark ages""with just too many people in the

world today treating us like freaks etc. As you know all strands of GLBT

must keep a weather eye on peoples attitudes today re bad treatment .

You are 100% right Amanda, its just we as a global community will need

to evolve another 20 years or so till you find widespread agreement . I

sincerely hope you see that day hun , till then you have us , we love you .

viv

[Guest julia_d]

Only 20 years more? .. I have lived the last 40 and things are getting worse not better it seems sometimes. What is needed is personal assuredness and strength. That makes us all rather hard faced girls but if that's what it takes to survive as ourselves then so be it. One bohemian to another.. stuff em.. it's not up to them who we are. Andy Warhol said it.. "to change the world you have to go out there and change it.. it won't come to you and ask your permission" I'm pretty sure he was on to something.

Above all I think the important thing is this.. I'm a girl who was brought up as a bloke.. I learned to be tough and hard.. and it's an advantage I have physically and mentally. People who pass comments behind my back and I hear better be able to defend themselves verbally.. because at 6 foot tall and fit as a butchers dog they probably can't defend themselves physically from this ex rock club bouncer if they try getting violent.. I'm an expert. That in no way conflicts with my femininity.. it's just a historic part of my life and existence. I don't deny who I have been to live some fake creation. Why drop one lie to live another? Be true to yourself and the world will carry on just the same.. and that's a fact.

[Guest msniki48]

Hello Amanda,

I think my younger sisters will live to see the day when we

are treated no differently than the rest of women in society. To me that

means never having to explain yourself re your gender anywhere. But,

for now we are still in the ""dark ages""with just too many people in the

world today treating us like freaks etc. As you know all strands of GLBT

must keep a weather eye on peoples attitudes today re bad treatment .

You are 100% right Amanda, its just we as a global community will need

to evolve another 20 years or so till you find widespread agreement . I

sincerely hope you see that day hun , till then you have us , we love you .

viv

Amanda, I agree with Viv, in that it is wonderful for those of us that can afford to be out front, because you are changing this world...little by little. My daughter understood me better than my wife did when i first told them....things are changeing, but slowly. i must remain stealth for i am 58 yrs old and my generation was not so much aware as is my childs. I would surely loose my job if i came out...[sales]...and half my family. these are choices i must make for today...my mom is 81, she knows, and chooses to not talk about it or want to see me. after she is gone, who knows....we are about 15 to 20 yrs away from acceptance by the masses. so for now I have my inner circle of those i can be comfortable with. Be strong and make good choices for yourself

happy new year hun

hugs, niki

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

Amanda

I think this is why I have live a very public life as a transexual woman, I'm doing it to educate those around us that we are not freaks and perverts but are regular people born with a condition. A condition that can only be treated in a certain manor. I have worked within the medical field to show them why we do this and have succeeded with most all that I've encountered. But to be honest my main concern right now is working with transgendered people trying to help them accept themselves and Laura's has been the best vehicle for doing this. Like Laura I can't stand by and watch the youngsters continue to kill themselves or do something that will make their lives more difficult.

I do want all of our lives to be unhindered though and will continue to work for that too but the kids are who I'm most worried about.

Take Care

Charlene LEona

[gennee]

When I came out I had no intention of going back in the closet. Transgenderism does elicit many different responses. It also forces get people to think about what masculine and feminine are. Now with transgenderism mre out in the open it has shaken some previous notions about gender. It's good because there are more transgender people in the world than people think. No amount of suppression or discrimination will keep us from living our lives.

Gennee

[Guest ricka]

Amanda--you raise so many great issues that need to be addressed and thought through. The first that comes to mind in that passing or blending is a two-edged sword: it also means being "invisible" and that does little to promote acceptance and understanding. In my opinion passing is not the be-all-to-end-all. Rather it is about loving the person who looks back at you in the mirror and being comfortable in our own skin.

I admire your courage and determination as well as your thoughfulness.

Ricka

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Passing = Changing one's outward appearance in hopes of convincing as many people as possible to think something you want them to think.

Transgendered Persona = Any changes to my appearance are to bring it more and more into line with my own ideal self-image.

See where the buck stops in a different place? If the goal is passing, the focus is always external. If I allow my goal to be existing outwardly as the person that I am, then the buck ultimately stops with me.

I feel this is a lot healthier. I've even read about depression being linked to where someone's locus of control lies. When the "locus of control" is external, then people tend to be more depressed than when they feel they have more control over circumstances and things that they care about (duh!).

How is it working out for me? So far so good. Since I'm not worrying so much about calibrating my every move to other people's reactions, I notice that I feel more comfortable and confident to actually BE more femme in my persona (because there's not so much issue of messing it up and not doing it "authentically," or whatever, by someone else's standards).

Also, at first blush, I get the feeling that people are more comfortable with me. I think people get the vibe when we're scanning for social reactions outside of us and making value judgements about ourselves based on what we think we detect or don't detect in others. I think people feel that "leaning" on them for acceptance or to define our reality, and it tends to creep people out -- whether it's a transgendered person or just some other needy person.

Think about it this way. You'll never REALLY know if you "pass" anyways. And for a lot of transgendered people, not having someone actually say something to them is their deFacto standard of passing. In terms of evidence, it's not so good. In my opinion. I think that a lot of transwomen don't "pass" and some transmen don't either (actually at 1/4 mile, transwomen and transmen are usually easy to spot because of shoulders and hips, respectively) even on days when no one says anything. So people either delude themselves or live a life of constant external calibration to other people's judgements and hiding aspects of one's truth from others (even close friends). Neither of those two options looks good to me!

The other thing is that I think this raises our sense of self as transgendered people into a new level. I actually think the status quo is "passing" -- defined as basing a lot of one's sense of having security in one's own identity on other people validating that identity. I think people are willing to defend that social-structural feedback loop to the death (usually only the death of others).

I'd even take that definition of "passing" beyond gender identity to things like whether or not we think we're smart, or athletic, or whatever. It appears to be very hard for people to break out of the mold of how others perceive them. In fact, in our childhoods and for many people, for most of our lives, we probably either accept what people say, "Oh you're so smart!" or "You're an athletic young man" or else we live a weird quiet internal life that is dissonant with our social reality. That is until we "prove" our social reality with external displays (which need not be actual displays of a particular trait, merely displays which satisfy viewers into believing the trait is there). Then we can get social feedback and be "out" about how we always knew we were really smart or strong or whatever. This process can be a life-long struggle for people, even with such issues of marginal social unacceptance such as being "an artistic man" or "an athletic woman."

In this way, I've often admired a lot of transpeople, even when I didn't like them personally. In a way it takes a deeper conviction of being whatever you are, than I think most people ever manifest, in order to live in any way other than as a closeted transperson or a transperson who always "passes" -- especially considering the utter absence of confirming social feedback that many of us go through our entire lives with.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You need a new counselor - he/she is so old school. I'm 64 - started my transition slightly less than 2 years ago and I thought I wanted to just blend in - but I find that I 'out' myself (deliberately) every now and then. Veronica (my therapists) laughs, reminds me of where I was 2 years ago and says I'm growing. I pass about 99.5 percent of the time so I could blend in but choose to acknowledge that I'm trans when there is an opportunity for education.

BTW I really really hate the word PASS - it has very negative connotations. We need a new word - something that applies not just to TG but to GG as well something that indicates how often our gender (female) is correctly read by others. GG's are occasionally mistaken for guys - and for women my age, I'm probably batting as high an average GG but they don't use the word pass and I don't think we should either - at least not outside the so

I agree on disliking that word "pass." I talked with my therapist and said I am not working toward being able to 'pass." I am working toward being myself and having no one be bothered by it, nor make a big deal.

So I dress and act as myself, and I learn subtle cues on how to be accepted and - well - not really noticed much. I know people say -'thats a big woman!" I can't change that. But I hope they think, 'but she carries herself well, and dresses so nicely."

The word 'pass is for grades - I made a 'C' in chemistry - yeaaaa! I PASSED!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

All of our reasons vary as to should we stand up for being Trans and being out or to "blend in" and live our life as the man/woman that we are...

One size does NOT fit all.....

No one can be in another's head and understand the reasons that they do what they do.

These are extremely personal decisions like politics or religion.

For years I came this close *holds finger and thumb close together* to transitioning. But the deal breaker was when I looked in the mirror and said to myself.."You'll never look like a woman."

So, back into denial I went for more years...

But, you see? My thinking was totally wrong!

This time it was so powerful that I said..."It doesn't matter what I end up looking like, I'm a woman!"

I finally got it right.

So, when we get our thinking "right" on being stealth or helping the community it is a personal decision, neither right or wrong by anyone else's standard....

We all do what we must!

To those of us that "Out" ourselves for helping other's learn about us....Thank you, deeply...

For those of us that slip away and get that house with the white picket fence and a quite life...I wish you peace.

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Amanda joan]

Well Ladies,

I knew we had allot of deep thinkers here and I am glad that you all have shared your feelings and thoughts. We have allot of issues to jugle everyday and I don't want to cause anyone increased stress in their day to day life. Some of us have the ability to stand up and speak out on all of our behalves. There are many books writen and we have charactors like Angel from Rent that show us in a positive light. I just hope we can look at the pain of being isolated and the pain of coming out and being out and make an informed decision about what would be the best place to reside. I feel that I would have been happier to have come out sooner in live. It was not something I could do or that I was encouraged to do. I am thankful for the life I have lived and the experiences that I have had. I am still haunted by the lack of joy that I had most days in the last 30 years. Don't get me wrong I laughed and had fun. I also always had to be on guard not to let anyone see that part of me I wanted to keep hidden. I have only just lately been able to measure the stress and pain of that endevor. It is clear to me that this is not something I would choose to do again, if I had the chance to do it all over again. That being said we all come to our own decision as to when is the best time to bend the gender lines and let our true selves come out. It is those lines that are so maddening to me. The history of the world makes it so clear that there are not just two clearly defined genders but, our culture has decided to hold up that false pretense and punish anyone who challenges it. We need to ask why?

Who wants things to stay the way they are?

Why do they want to keep this false pretense alive?

What do they fear?

Who are these people and from where do they get their power?

We are claerly a minority but, we are being accepted into the mainstream in politics as we have read in the newspapers. So if Amanda Simpson can be imbraced as an openly Transgendered Woman by the President of The United States and the Congress how do we react to this? What can we do as a community to support women like her?

We need to find our voice and we need to support those who are speaking out. So if you have some money to spend go out and buy a book or a peice of art that is the work of a Trangendered person. Write or call your Congressperson and thank them for suporting the appointment of Amanda ( I like that name ). We can let our voices be heard and let those in power know we are here and we vote.