What Is Going On?

[Guest Steph S.]

Hopefully this is the right place to post to get some advice to some "issues" I have going on. Just so you all know I used a female name because it seems like everyone else does.

I started off with women's panties when I was a teenager and then thanks to my friend's mother I discovered body briefers. Not her fault though! Anyway I was able to stop myself from wearing these undergarments until my mid 20s when I started dating my wife. I would purchase those items I liked for her (at least that is what I thought) hoping she would wear them for me but she never did because she doesn't like them. I always had a teddy or something that I would occasionally have on hand, but always purged them thinking I could break the "habit". Well last year I purchased two Olga body briefers (holy cow they rocked and hate the fact I purged them) followed by Flexees one, and purged all three of them in August only to get a new urge and got an Olga teddie in September.

Well that is where things started getting weird. I'm now finding myself wearing this teddie under my normal clothes when I go out by myself. The other day I went to Kohl's and got the urge, while wearing the teddie, to try on a few of their body briefers (gulp). I actually had the guts to take two of them into the men's changing room with me (not a very wise decision). Anyway now I'm starting to get more and more willing to take risks and even started looking into some breast forms that I could wear with one of the body briefers yet to be purchased. Other than lingerie I've never worn or tried on any other women's clothing, makeup, or anything.

My wife doesn't know I have this fetish but I'm finding it harder and harder to "control" the urges. I don't want to tell her because she is VERY conservative and would probably flip out. I love her dearly and my family means too much to me to have these urges come between us. I'm very much heterosexual and love women, but unfortunately their undergarments too (especially OLGA)!!!

So does this story sound similar to other members, and how did you manage it? I'm just afraid I'm starting to get more involved and may end up going further than I ever have in the past (those breast forms and new body briefer are just calling my name). I can't tell you why they are all of a sudden getting worse, but they are. I'm a VERY strong type A personality and some of things I've read makes me believe that is part of the issue along with Olga! Any guidance and advice would be much appreciated!

[Guest sarah f]

I also like to wear womens clothes but I also want to be a girl. I know what it is like to hide it from your wife because I do the same thing but I also know you can only do it for so long before they discover what is going on. I am in the process of trying to see a gender therapist so that I can lay it all out for them and hopefully they can help me in how to tell everyone. If you decide to tell you wife what you are doing than be prepared for the worst as I have been told many times by the wonderful people on this site. Please consider going to see a GT for yourself so that you can decide if this it the right thing for you or not.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Steph,

While I don't know what a type A personality is, let me give you some advice. First, stop purging! I used to do the same thing back in the day when I thought that I had a "fetish" and that I was just messed up in the head. There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. I know, you probably don't believe me. It's hard to swallow at first, especially when your peers, the media, and church tell you otherwise. I've taken a college course on human sexuality, I've been to seminars where transgender people and crossdressers speak of their experiences, I'm seeing a gender therapist, I'm in a transgender support group, and I consider myself pre-op transsexual. So I can tell you from personal experience that what you are going through is normal. Let's get you started with the facts:

~The majority of all crossdressers are heterosexual men.

-Popular media will try to portray crossdressers as sex attics and freaks with homosexual tendencies and criminal desires. This is FICTION!

~There are more adult crossdressers than teens.

-You aren't alone! Many crossdressers are well into adulthood, but do so in secret for fear of being ostracised by society.

~Crossdressing is normal and healthy.

-Society will tell you that its a mental disease. This isn't so. There are far more crossdressers than you can imagine, most of which are healthy, normal individuals. A trained gender therapist would

even advocate that you continue to crossdress at your convenience. Suppressing the urge leads to stress, depression, anger, and confusion. These may even lead to physical issues over time, such as gastrointestinal problems as a result of your worries.

~This isn't an issue you can run from.

-There are organizations out there that will tell you it is possible to break these thoughts and feelings. An example would be the ever-increasing prevalence of ex-gay groups. The mental health community has determined that you can't break or defeat these feelings. They are a natural part of your human growth and make you unique. Attempting to overcome the thoughts can lead to long-term mental health issues and possibly suicide. It may be important to see a gender therapist so that you can hear first hand from a medical professional about the truth.

So please, don't feel down! I recommend contacting a gender therapist so that you can talk about your feelings and get reassurance that you are normal. And again, stop purging. You're just wasting money if you do!

.Anna

[Carolyn Marie]

Steph, you've received some great advice from Anna. I agree with everything she said.

What you've experienced is VERY common among cross dressers. Read through the topics in the CD Forum and you will see what I mean.

CDers have all different styles and preferences. Some dress only at home, some go out en femme, some have come out to their S.O. while

many haven't. Some wear undergarments with their male clothes, others dressed outwardly androgynous or female.

Cross dressing seems to be relatively common among heterosexual men. About 30 per cent of the members of this site self-identify as

cross dressers.

Once you have five posts you can use the private message (PM) system to talk to other members. You are always welcome to PM me if you have

a question or concern that you don't want to post publicly. Lastly, relax a bit, OK? You really are among friends here.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Amy LeBlanc]

Steph:

I have to agree with everyone here in the blog. I am with you where in the beginning I used to dress and then purge and it will not work out and it will catch up to you.

I am currently seeing jst a regular therapist and even a regular therapist is a good person to talk to and it is nice to listen to a 3rd party. But just a word of advice when see ing either a regular therapist or gender therapist and that a female one will be alot more acceatable than a male.

I do know that it is hard to talk about to a person in general and hard to even bring up because how lets, face it with the media they make it out to be where if your a crossdresser then your gay. But the media does not do research and no one is really educated in the idea of this. It was extreimly hard for me to come out but I did finally and I am comfortable for who I am.

It does not matter who you are or what you like to do or sexual preference or anything you. I was taught that if you like yourself then you will be happy. If you dont like yourself then you are not going to be happy. To be comfortable you can not supressed this and you need to be comfortable with who you are and as for telling people, tell who ever you want but tell them as a need to know basis. So you can tell your parents but not tell friends or tell whoever you want but the decesion is up to you and I know full well how hard it is.

Talk to you all later

Amy

[Guest Diana Prince]

I am actually relieved by your post. While this site has been very helpful, it sounds like you are experiencing exactly what I have been experiencing. Some background on my story so you know, I have had a thing for pantyhose for as long as I can remember. That is were it all started for me, though I also remember looking through the JCPenny catalog at the different bras and panties as well, though I never dared to go anywhere with those. As for the pantyhose, I started to get more daring when I dated my wife. I would try to manipulate her to force me to wear pantyhose under my clothes, like make a bet and then lose on purpose. I later found out she saw through the manipulation (women are very good at spotting manipulation). Anyway, when we got married, I did the same thing with some lingerie. I have always been into having her force me to wear lingerie, pantyhose, etc. But later I realized that I liked the forced aspect because I was guilty of my desire.

My wife, like yours, is extremely conservative. I feared telling her too much, even though she knew I had a "forced feminization" type of fetish. To help me tell her, I purchased the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd. I and read through it to make sure it was something that I should have her read and I gave the book to my wife to read. In addition, I wrote a letter to my wife, telling her of my desires to cross dress. I actually laid in bed with her as she read the letter, answering any questions she had as she went through the letter. It went okay, though there were many tears (which I hated, because I can't stand when I do something that causes her to cry).

To make a long story short, she has been extremely supportive. She told me she understands that this is who I am, and she cannot ask me to change that. The told me that she would have to work on it, but she would try to accept it. She has proven this to be true by her actions, though somedays are better than others.

The issues/difficulties we have been facing are:

1) I am 100% heterosexual. I don't really have a desire to cross dress in public, though I do like to wear things under my male clothes. Her greatest fear (and still is) is that I am really not heterosexual -- not that she feels I am lying to her, but rather she thinks I just don't know. I do know for certain, but I also know that is a fear of hers.

2) Trust is an issue. This is understandable since she knows I kept this from her for the longest time, so she has to wonder "is he telling me everything now, or is he still just telling me part of it? She wonders if it is goign to get worse.

3) I am confused myself. Things like breast forms. I have never tried them before, so I had no idea what it would be like. Would I even like it? Also, how often do I really want to dress up? Do I want to do full makeup? Any makeup? Do I want to shave my legs/chest? So many things that I have never tried, I really had no idea what I would/would not like.

4) She still struggles because it is a turn-off for her. So what is a turn on for me, is a turn off for her, that makes things somewhat difficult.

5) She fears things will continue to get worse and worse the more I do. For example, for the longest time I was not sharing the complete truth with her. I would tell her a little more and more over time, and she was seeing a pattern, that as soon as she got comfortable with something, I would bring something else up. It never seemed to end. She is worried that once she accepts the cross dressing, what next? This is actually the reason I decided to tell her everything. I feared she would continue to get more and more concerned about this until I just came out and tol dher everything, that way she would see that it never has really been getting worse, I have just been opening up to her more and more over the years. This is easier to say than it is for her to believe though.

Anyway, I do have to say that even though it was hard, and it has created some additional difficulties, it feels so much better to have that out in the open. I love my wife more than anything and I would never do anything to hurt her, and it really was hard for me to keep this from her. We are working though it and so far we are making headway.

As for how far it has gotten for me... I have not tried any makeup (may never honestly, it really isn't something that I need). I have a large number of skirts, and I even made a skirt for myself. The most bold thing I have done so far is I ordered a pair of breastforms. I have to say, I really like them.

I hope this helps in some way. I have to say it is very nice to hear someone that is going through something as similiar as I am.

Good luck!

[Guest ChloëC]

Steph and Diana,

I guess I haven't been posting much about myself lately mostly because I covered a lot of it in the month or two after I joined here, but let me tell you both, you are not alone in the least.

Just to recap - I have had desires to cross dress since I was about 5. I got my mother to make me a construction paper dress for an afternoon, which I loved. I don't know why she did it, but it's my first full memory. At about 9 or 10 I was fantasizing myself as some semi-famous damsel in distress waiting for my hero to rescue me (ie Maid Marion). At about 14 or 15 I remember trying on my mother's full body briefer with the 6 garter straps. About a year or two later, I put on the absolutely gorgeous 50's party dress of hers.

I was caught soon after and given a sound talking to my mother who assumed I was gay and was looking for a homosexual relationship. Nothing could have been farther from the truth for me. Thankfully she never told my step-father who would have been furious and probably beaten me or kicked me out.

So, I went stealth and purged and hunkered down and tried to be a man. I enlisted in the military. I married. I had a child. And during this time, my desires came right back, and I acted upon them. After 6 years for a number of other reasons, we divorced and as I have said numerous times here, I am so thankful I never told her because it would be totally public now and she would have used it to no end to 'get back' at me. btw I fought for and eventually won custody of our son after I raised him as a single dad from age 1 to 2, but it took 3 more years.

I married again and came out in a limited way to my wife. We were on vacation 6 months into our 30+ year marriage and we were telling our deepest darkest secrets and I said I liked to wear women's clothes. And I told her I had done so for a number of years, but not since we married - which was true - as I knew I would revert no matter what. She loved me then and still does, and has said over and again she would never use it against me. I'm still somewhat leery because I understand what happens when love leaves a marriage and all sorts of other feelings replace it, including desires to hurt the other person as much as possible. And that still could happen to me.

We have two daughters and all three children are adults now and into their own lives. (and I have two grandchildren). My children don't know of my desires although I almost got caught twice and they were a little suspicious. My wife and I have tried to work my desires into our intimate moments and it has succeeded to some degree but it's difficult for me because it becomes sort of a female-female relationship at those moments which doesn't much interest me.

I keep my dressing mostly private and have gone full tilt with complete outfits, cosmetics, wigs, breast forms, but I haven't shaved or done other things that would affect my presentation as a male. I'm fortunate in that I am not particularly hairy, I have reasonable features and skin, I keep my weight under some control (see My Gallery for the last 20 years of my dressing from the last purge I did.)

I have dressed and gone 'outside' but never close to other people, mostly walking in lighted but unused areas or driving around.

I wonder what would have happened if the internet and support groups had been available when I was 20 because although I have read an awful lot over the years and long before I found Laura's I knew the difference between tv, ts, cd, and several other labels, I had no idea to what extent my personal desires (and story) were so much like others. And would I have at 20 been brave enough to explore the possibility of considering transition.

If there were any therapists around at that time, they were so few and far between so as to have been basically non-existent for me. So, I put those thoughts out of my mind and stayed with cross-dressing and at times taking it as far as I can.

I can't tell you what to do, Steph, about telling your spouse. If you feel like she can deal with it over the long haul, I'd suggest telling her very gradually, with extremely small baby steps and seeing how she reacts, and going from there.

A number of our friends, like the general public, lump all gender identity issues into one big pot, and just assume the worst about anyone exhibiting any behavior different from what is accepted as the norm (whatever that is, because I don't think it exists), and pretty much consider all as perverts, child abusers, and sexual addicts - at the least. (the media here surely has seldom done us any favors). But with my wife aware of my desires, and me keeping them private, it works for us. I will say when I told her, I had no idea how she would react. I guess I had convinced her prior to that of how much I was committed to her and to our marriage. And I still work at honoring that commitment.

I don't know how much this helps, but I hope the best for you, Steph. It's a difficult life we lead and any support from someone close does make it a little easier.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Something more I wanted to add:

I mentioned earlier that I took a college course on human sexuality. I've also had a very strong interest in philosophy and psychology for most of my life. One of the things I've learned through teachings and through research is that crossdressing isn't always about gender or sexual expression. Diana Prince was saying how there are only certain things from the female spectrum that she likes. For instance, she doesn't like makeup and, correct me if I'm wrong, not entirely certain about breast forms just yet. You don't have to try to be a woman through your crossdressing. You can just wear skirts, or you can just wear panty hose, or you can even just wear makeup. There isn't a criteria any of us must follow. I realize that people won't understand it just yet, but its always important to be who you are and express yourself in ways that you are most comfortable. To me, it's very understandable that a normal every-day man would be interested in makeup, for instance.

We see a thousand commercials on television and hundreds of ads in magazines. Eventually if you push it in our faces long enough, someone's going to be interested in the product. It's something that is highly glamorized in our world. And really, it's not like they advertise men's products as often as they do women's. We dedicate the majority of our ad space to women's products and we have fashion shows that showcase mostly women's clothes. Even women's music is slowly having a stronger impact on popular culture then men's. You can't imagine how many times I've seen this video clip of this baby dancing to one of Beyonce's music videos. Not to mention that the majority of this year's awards in music went to Taylor Swift. She was essentially considered the best musical artist of 2009. Do people honestly think all of this wouldn't have an impact on our society's men? People would have to be pretty daft. So embrace it. Don't feel ashamed. Whether they realize it or not, our society obviously wants us to buy into it. If they don't want us wearing women's clothes, using women's products, and listening to women's music, why advertise it so much?

.Anna

[Guest Krystyna_Marie]

+1. How familiar your story sounds to me. sometimes it is delirium, other times a slow, aching spiral.

Kisses, KM

[Guest Steph S.]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I guess I never really wanted to admit that I am an ummmm..... I was just hoping this was more of a fetish but it sounds like deep down it is a little bit more. I just wish I could figure out what and how I got to this point. I'm just glad I'm not the only one going through it!

[Guest Emily H]

Now I don't believe there is an issue here at all, but you need to understand why you are having these urges.

Are they sexual? Do they complete some, sexual fantasy? and beyond that, is this fantasy that you ae a woman in sexy lingerie, or a man in woman's clothing?

~Andrea

[Guest zeus nannook]

Reply from Sooniedoo the confused yooper

Honesty is the best policy, you should tell your wife. I did and dont regret it. marriage is based on truth and trust. Your wife picked you for the real you. If you were not the way you are you would be a different person and your wife might not have connected with you. Just think of the joys of sharing your innermost thoughts with her. the rewards could be overwhelming, they were for me. Best Wishes

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I guess I never really wanted to admit that I am an ummmm..... I was just hoping this was more of a fetish but it sounds like deep down it is a little bit more. I just wish I could figure out what and how I got to this point. I'm just glad I'm not the only one going through it!

I can't see how a fetish would be more reassuring. When I thought my problems were just a fetish once upon a time, I felt so disgusted with myself.

.Anna

[Guest Steph S.]

Now I don't believe there is an issue here at all, but you need to understand why you are having these urges.

Are they sexual? Do they complete some, sexual fantasy? and beyond that, is this fantasy that you ae a woman in sexy lingerie, or a man in woman's clothing?

~Andrea

Those are some excellent questions Andrea! For me I would say they are more sexual in nature. I can't really say how I would answer your second question about "woman in sexy lingerie or man in woman's clothing" because I never really think about it that way. If I had to answer that question I would probably say a woman in sexy lingerie.

[Guest ricka]

Steph---Brain science is helping us to understand a lot more of why people do what they do. There are indeed a great many men who are straight and are very happy to be men who cross-dress. Why? Because cross-dressing may well stimulate certain parts of the brain that relate to feelings of peace and relaxation by switching off the type A, hard-driving male identity brain parts. Not so different than coming home and having a few drinks to relax. The way I have heard some men describe their cross-dressing it does sound like an addiction, and perhaps a rather harmless one in some circumstances. For others of us it is the door opening to discovering our true identities as females. I do recommend seeing a therapist who is competent to address any and all of these issues.

Ricka

[Guest ChloëC]

I'm not comfortable bandying the word 'fetish' about, mostly because it has such a negative connotation. I found three definitions on the internet from two sources that are similiar in their wording -

1 a : an object believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly : a material object regarded with superstitious or extravagant trust or reverence b : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion : prepossession c : an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression

I'm assuming here that it is the 3rd © definition that we're discussing, but I didn't see anything in the original question where Steph talked about sexual gratification. And I don't see a problem if it was---or wasn't. (personally I think we should focus on the first definition here, I find that much more friendly - magical - yes, I like that much more). There are plenty of cross-dressers and lots of others that wear items of clothing for other then a sexual gratification, and even if that is the case, I certainly don't think we should be putting something less then a positive action on that expression of ourselves.

I am going to beat this into the ground if I have to, but I don't see anything wrong with expressing how you feel or what you want to do to make yourself happy as long as it doesn't harm someone else. (I do have some concern about harming someone's feelings, because it's rather obvious that changing your own actions to improve someone else's feelings can and often does harm your own self feelings or self worth, and that is just plain wrong. You have to be true to yourself and live your own life before you can start thinking about living the life that others want or expect from you. Again, it's your own decision, because one can put other's feelings in a place of importance in their own lives (ie children, a significant other, but those are examples of choices we make, not ones that are thrust upon us by those who want us to live their proscribed lives.)

I also think that we as people with gender issues can evolve our feelings.

When I was younger, the only examples I had to compare myself to, were those who were into drag, or men who were gay, with transition as being something totally exotic and far removed from my possible life. It took a lot of reading and thinking to realize that there were other possibilities. I had to think about the possibility I did have 'fetishes' or that becoming a drag queen was one of a very few limited lifestyles I would have to adopt in order to be happy.

Thank goodness I found there were lots of other alternatives and that I wasn't alone, and that I could do what I wanted to be happy, and reduce my stress about being outed or ridiculed or ostracized. No one should ever have to go through that. Life is tough enough as it is.

Steph, be who you are and who you want to be and understand as you learn more, you may change your desires, understand and accept the consequences ...and there's nothing wrong with that.

Hugs,

Chloë

[Guest Lola Douglas]

"Honesty is the best policy, you should tell your wife. I did and dont regret it. marriage is based on truth and trust. Your wife picked you for the real you. If you were not the way you are you would be a different person and your wife might not have connected with you. Just think of the joys of sharing your innermost thoughts with her. the rewards could be overwhelming, they were for me. Best Wishes"

I beg to disagree with this person. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. Although I am very happy that telling your wife worked out so well for you. I also believed that my wife picked me for the real me, and all my life I had hoped for someone to share my innermost thoughts with. I cannot find the words to describe what the rewatds would be to find that I could share any and everthing with my wife. Afterall, she was my best friend in the world, the one I trusted and loved more than anyone... so after 23 years if dressing in private... 23 years of trying to figure it out myself, thinking that there was no one else like me out there, so desperate to be accepted and loved by even just one other, searching for just one person to tell me that I am ok.... I decided to tell my wife. She divorced me.

Unfortunately, honesty is NOT always the best policy. Unless of course you believe that your honesty could result in the rejection and loss of someone you truely loved, is the "best" thing... then NO.... honesty is NOT always the best policy!

I am glad it worked out for the person who responded to you! Be careful... just because you want it so.... so very bad... does not make it so. Prepare yourself for the type of reaction you had not hoped for... and if you get it.... you must be respectful of it.

Best of luck to you....

[Sally]

While the costs could be very high for telling your wife, they are for so many of us but the rewards of finally being open and living as you want is so great for those of us who are transitioning.

For cross dressers I cannot say but I would imagine that it would be so much more liberating to not have to hide all of the time and only dress for those brief moments when everyone is gone - that is living a lie just as much as me pretending to be a man.

We spend a lifetime being just the way everyone else wants us to be and then when we make that one effort to be ourselves we have to risk everything and are called selfish, I would hope that others could see that their holding on to the illusion rather than excepting us as we are is being a bit selfish as well.

I cannot tell you that everything will be OK if you tell her but how good is everything now with you fighting against your very nature to make everyone else comfortable.

Seek a gender therapist and find out more about your place on this amazing gender spectrum and follow their advice as to how to tell your wife and then the wneh is going to be up to you - the urges as you refer to them will continue to grow, you will buy and purge and all of the time hiding your precious stash and fearing getting caught.

Getting caught is the worst way to tell your wife.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Steph S.]

While the costs could be very high for telling your wife, they are for so many of us but the rewards of finally being open and living as you want is so great for those of us who are transitioning.

For cross dressers I cannot say but I would imagine that it would be so much more liberating to not have to hide all of the time and only dress for those brief moments when everyone is gone - that is living a lie just as much as me pretending to be a man.

We spend a lifetime being just the way everyone else wants us to be and then when we make that one effort to be ourselves we have to risk everything and are called selfish, I would hope that others could see that their holding on to the illusion rather than excepting us as we are is being a bit selfish as well.

I cannot tell you that everything will be OK if you tell her but how good is everything now with you fighting against your very nature to make everyone else comfortable.

Seek a gender therapist and find out more about your place on this amazing gender spectrum and follow their advice as to how to tell your wife and then the wneh is going to be up to you - the urges as you refer to them will continue to grow, you will buy and purge and all of the time hiding your precious stash and fearing getting caught.

Getting caught is the worst way to tell your wife.

Love ya,

Sally

Thanks for the advice Sally, and a fully agree the "urges" are getting worse and worse all of the time. Even if I saw a GT I just don't know if I would have the strength to tell my spouse so I guess I'm in a really bad position right now.

[Guest ChloëC]

Steph, I truly hope that you are able to work something out, whether confiding in your spouse or not.

Right now, I would like to take issue with the idea I've seen several places around here about 'living a lie' by not telling one's spouse about cross-dressing.

I live in Michigan and I'll tell you there's one rite that goes to the very heart of being a certain kind of Michigan person - you can see it in Jeff Daniel's almost biography, Escanaba in Da Moonlight. Which is about a family whose men are die-hard deer hunters and who go off to a cabin in the Yoop every deer season. Does anyone in his or her right mind think that anyone doing that immediately comes home and tells the spouse every last little detail of what went on? All the fa*ting, the belching, the crotch scratching, the falling down drinking, the card playing til all hours and oh, yeah, the maybe one hour a day of actually going outside and hoping a deer with a huge rack wanders into your unsighted scope? Does anyone think the spouse cares?

That's the most obnoxious example I can think of, but I know lots of men - and women - acquaintances who go off to Vegas, or wherever with their same sex friends for some time away. And almost to a letter, everyone comes home and tells the spouse the general gist of what went on, not the moment to moment details.

And the reason is, I believe, that in almost all these marriages, each spouse trusts the other that the other will not do anything that will cause problems or severe repercussions - getting thrown in jail, getting into physical danger, doing stupid things that WILL come back to cause your family future problems.

And that's part of what we face as cross-dressers. How much of what we do that harms no one, causes no problems to anyone, should be told. If we have that trust in each other, small things that do not affect our lives together, don't need to be told. I don't consider that living a lie. It's just part of my life that is nobody's elses.

In basic training in the military, we were given about a 6'" on a side, square area in the bottom drawer of our lockers that was for our personal stuff - that is, non-military. As long as it was neat and clean and no defined contraband, it was our private, civilian space for our own things that fit. Was that living a lie because the military couldn't see into that little area? It was the only shred of our personal lives we had for a few days, and the military respected our right to have it. How different is marriage from that kind of control?

My wife knows and I feel better, but my first wife didn't know, and I feel even better, because she would have, definitely, positively, completely, tried to ruin me to whatever extent possible if she knew. And would still be trying 35 years later. I know it, our son knows it, every one who knows about us, knows it.

Even in a marriage we are still individuals, and I have seen as my spouse has, that in those marriages where one has totally and completely yielded in all things to the other, that that most often is a sad, and tragic marriage. The 'Burning Bed' comes to mind here. We need to share, we need to have our own space. Only each person can determine what the correct mix is, hopefully in agreement with the other - tacit or in the open.

Steph, as I've said, you are trying to decide what you need to do to be happy, and at times, I know that happiness is also predicated on the happiness of your spouse. It's a difficult problem, and there is no one answer. And definitely no easy answer. All I can say is that be prepared for when she does find out, she may run, she may stay, but your marriage will be different regardless. I hope, if you both love the other, that for you, and her, too, she stays.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Diana Prince]

One more thing to add here just for food for thought (I am sure everyone's situation is different so this is just from my personal experience). I struggled for quite a while before telling my wife about any desires I had for crossdressing. The problem is by waiting to tell her, she immediately felt "if he kept this a secret for so long, how can I trust him?" "Is there more he is not telling me?" "Is it worse than he is telling me?" Trust breaks down because I was "living the lie". Even though I never lied to her, I kept it from her. That is honestly one of the biggest hurdles we are facing right now.

So just one more thing to make your decision harder to make. :/ Sorry about that.

Either way, Good luck!

[Guest ChloëC]

Steph,

There's another side that I was thinking seriously about when I wrote that previous /diatribe/ but it's a little different, so I left it off. Diana's post convinced me to mention it.

Unfortunately, in some marriages, one or the other spouse may become dissatisfied, maybe with the other, maybe with life, who knows, but a marriage may almost be over without a full realization of it, especially by the other spouse except for sort of noticing that things are just a little different. In this case, I would guess that telling a spouse who has those thoughts, about your tg desires will probably tip the scales. In which case, there wasn't much you can really do as the other might have been waiting for something to spur them on. And it could have been anything.

To me, if a marriage is strong, if both sides understand AND accept not only their own but the other's part in a marriage, the idea of trust goes beyond telling your spouse some part of your life. Let's say you realize you have a growing problem of staying attentive to your tasks, or you're growing tired of slogging to a meaningless job every day, or your kids are gone, and now what do you and spouse do. Did either of you tell the other how you were going to be when any of that might happen? At the altar? On the honeymoon? I doubt it. Is that a lack of trust? In my mind, not at all, it's a problem (of possibly many) that you and your spouse will have to learn to deal with, like finances!!!! and in strong marriages, you both understand things like that will come up. And maybe counseling is called for. In shaky marriages? Well, divorces happen for all sorts of reasons, and I would bet that in reality, admitting to cross dressing itself is low on the list. Full blown desires to transition to the other sex is probably a lot higher.

You know, not counting cheating or spousal abuse, I would guess that being dissatisfied and wanting a change is probably quite high. If the love is gone, unless you both find something to replace it, the marriage is probably going to go, too.

So....if you think your marriage is shaky and by telling your spouse that you have some level of tg desires and you think it might tip the scales, you have a real problem, especially if you don't want a divorce. Yet, I guess divorces come to an awful lot of people who don't want it. (I know I didn't want it.)

But if you think your marriage is strong, and you can come to your spouse and say, in effect, "Honey, we have to talk. I've been having these urges. No, nothing to do with cheating or other women. But, I thought they would go away. They do sometimes, but I have them again. I want our marriage to last, but I think I'm going to need some counseling, but before I do, I want to talk this over with you, because your feelings are the most important to me right now. And it's important you know, because I care deeply about you and I really believe we can get through this, but I'm going to need your support, more than ever."

Yep, you're putting it to her, I'll admit. But if your marriage is truly strong, hopefully she will think about it, and want to do what she can to help it continue. You've asked for her understanding, and her support, and you're opening up to her - baring your soul - before going to a doctor. Not much more you can do. Except whatever questions she asks, you need to be honest, now. Because if you both go in to see a therapist, that person may assume your spouse now knows as much as he or she does. No time for surprises there. You do have things going for you. You're not a pedophile, you're not an abuser, you're not millions in debt, you don't have hidden children on the side you're having to support, you don't have a bizarre (or any kind of) mental illness. I could go on.

What you have is a problem that you're trying to work your way through, and now you need her before it gets to be a real problem and you getting therapy or counseling will also help. She's an important part of your life and hopefully, you're an important part of hers. And you two need each other and need to support each other to get through this. Especially because you're not sure where it is going if left alone.

Again, living our lives surely ain't easy. And telling a spouse is as hard as any part of living. Only you can decide if you should. Good luck and again, I hope if works out for you.

Hugs

Chloë