Running Out Of Steam

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

I don't actually know if this is the right forum for this, I am not even sure there is a right forum for this.

I'm afraid I am slipping back into that wonderful life stopping depression and I don't know what to do. I was all excited and happy that I came out to my mother and finally to my sister about being transgendered, they were accepting, made little to no fuss at all. In fact so little I wonder deep down if they even believe me, or are trying to keep it out of their mind. I started looking for support groups, doctors, I figured out what dress size I wore, my hair has been grown and now needs to be cut into something femme, practicing with my voice. Lately though I have been losing steam. I am moody, and sad. I cry a lot. I have become indifferent about the whole transition. I picture myself genetic female like I always have since I was little and it still makes me happy, but then the voice creeps back into my head that I'm not one and never will be. I am getting the "I'm fat and ugly" days more often. For some reason I feel like I am just spinning my tires on the whole ordeal. I feel like I've lost focus.

So I need to get my focus back. I need to make my inner me, my outer me. So help me. What are some of the things that all of you do when you don't feel like yourself? When you think everything is about to go horribly wrong and you just need to smile?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

This is a serious answer - go out and buy something feminine and very pretty! IT WORKS

You are getting closer to your goal than you think. Being female is RAMPANT with moodiness and depression. It's part of the job description. You are starting to lose that male self-confidence.

Trust me on this!

Elizabeth

[Guest N. Jane]

I hate to admit it but buying or doing something "really girly" is always a pick-me-up from the blues. (Though I am LONG past transition/SRS it still works for any kind of blues LOL!)

Some of my favorites are going to the salon for half a day and getting "the works", going for a massage, or buying some frivolous thing like a big stuffed animal or just getting together with a couple of girlfriends for girl talk.

Depression seems to require you to sit alone and brood, so DON'T

[Guest viv]

Hey Katrina,

Go with what Lizzy is saying, buy yourself something nice.

Being female for me is a true gift, but you ,like everyone else doing

what we do will have those **uphill days** . These are the days when

we wonder do we have the strength to continue, when all the negative

parts to life in general seem to flood our minds I have had those days

and I will have em again, but, if you come through this thinking with

the right perspective on transition you will be so much stronger. Do

not beat yourself up on this Katrina, things will be cool , I promise.

I see you have a sister, why not ask her can you talk a couple of

times a week about how you feel , tell her its girls stuff and her help

will be so good for you. You will be ok hun, all your girl friends are

here for you , take care luv,viv

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry to hear that you are down right now. I agree with the rest that you need to go do something for yourself. Whether it be buying something nice or just go get a manicure and pedicure. It will make you feel feminine and hopefully break you out of your funk.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions, I am on a better day today. The problem with me going out and doing something to pamper myself is that I am a minimum wage drone trying to stay alive through the holidays where I get 2 weeks in a row of under 20 hours worth of work. It is probably the holiday blues is all, but it sucks whatever it is. I did find something to perk me up, well, someone. That is a whole other story though and I'm not sure if I am getting the wrong signals from her so trying not to get too excited. The plus side is that she is bi leaning towards women and her first long term relationship was with a ftm post-op and understands somewhat what I am going through. Having a friend like her for support will be nice, but I can't tell if she wants to be more than that (I've always been bad at interpreting signals). Anyway she is my make me feel better hopefully for a few days.