New Guy And Parent Or Mtf Child

[Guest AndrewH]

I figured that this was the most appropriate place to introduce myself.

I am Andrew. This is not the name that my family and friends know me by but it is the name that I often use when thinking of myself. I have always known that I had a male spirit even as my body because more and more feminine as I got older. I am living my life in my female body as if I were a woman though.

As a teen I struggled with annorexia. Now I sometimes struggle with binge eating, but I have the eating issues fairly well under control. I also have Asperger's Syndrome.

I became a parent at the age of 17. Pregnancies were very difficult for me. I have 5 children. 4 sons, and one daughter (who has a male body but who has told me since she could speak that she was a girl and who, when dividing up teams in games at school and church would have to be reminded that she was a boy and was on the wrong side of the room.) she is now 7 and is starting at times to hide who she is.

She is the reason that I signed up for this site. I am doing well at coming to terms with my life as a man in a woman's body. I cannot transition, my body does not do well with hormone treatment (I ended up with a pulmonary embolism when I tried taking pills to stop my period) I guess I am still confused sometimes. I am trying to learn to be myself even though I am not in a body that feels like it is mine... but I am also trying to learn to be comfortable being who my body is... learning to balance and learning to be more feminine because in some ways it makes things easier in the world.

When I went to college I chose a completely inappropriate line of study (Child and youth work/Social work) partly because I wanted to be there for people like myself but also because... well girls are supposed to do that kind of thing... right? and I had been told for years that I needed to learn to act like a girl. I did wonderfully in the academics but not so well wiitht he practical work. I can't read body language and am too blunt... and what I really wanted to do was learn mechanics. I had an opportunity to do a tiny bit of work volunteering as a mechanic's assistant this summer and am looking into learning more about this and maybe finding a training opportunity.

But... back to my child.

I have been to chat on this site twice now, after moments that made me worry about her. It is hard knowing some of the things that she will face as she gets older. When she was younger she just was herself, now she will tell me things like "I don't want dad to know about my tiara and lipgloss" even while asking me to take a picture and post it on facebook and forums so that all the world can see how beautiful she is. She refers to herself less as "she " now than she used to but still wants dresses and make up and pretty things.

She was recently online with her brothers and they discovered a famous cross dresser with a vegas show... Frank Marino. My daughter looked at his site, and marvelled at his amazing wardrobe and shoes and make up and how people PAY him to dress in these beautiful things and PAY him to be a woman instead of telling him to forget about it because he is a boy. She wants to meet Frank Marino and others and learn about how it was growing up and being able to be a girl when he wants to.

So far I just try to go with the flow. If my child is refering to herself ans "she" or as "Gloria" then I will use those terms if my child is saying "he" and going by the name she was given as a baby who appeared to be male I go with that.

we have a variety of toys both traditionallly male and traditionally female and everyone is allowed access to any of them.

I have told her that no one gets to wear make up to school until they are 13 or get their ears pierced until they are 11. When that time comes, if that is still what is wanted, we will cross that bridge together. I have also said that the tiara is not an appropriate accessory to wear to school. She has snuck out of the house wearing bows and ribbons and things in her hair and ended up teased and thrown into a dumpster before. This makes me sick. She is an amazing child and, so far, she is lucky there are a group of girls who accept her and her best friend lives in a house very nearby.

When she was younger I was hoping that she would grow out of it... but she is now 7, I don't know if she will transition, choose to live as a man and crossdress sometimes, or just grow out of it entirely but seeing as this isn't something that most people can understand I thought I would find places where I can be open about what is going on with myself and with her.

[Paula ult]

Welcome Andrew,

Join me in the members lounge for pizza and a soda, others will be here shortly to welcome you.

There are many parents here that you can talk to, this is probably not a phase so i suggest finding a gender therapist to help determine the best course of action, as you probably already know if she has gid it will not go away and around puberty it will get worse.

Others will be around shortly to give you more advise.

Paula

[Guest AndrewH]

Welcome Andrew,

Join me in the members lounge for pizza and a soda, others will be here shortly to welcome you.

There are many parents here that you can talk to, this is probably not a phase so i suggest finding a gender therapist to help determine the best course of action, as you probably already know if she has gid it will not go away and around puberty it will get worse.

Others will be around shortly to give you more advise.

Paula

Yes, at this point I do not think it is a phase. When she was 2 or 3 and kept forgetting that she was a boy... it seemed possible that it was a phase but at 7... despite other people telling me that if I do not encourage it or if I get her some "strong male role models" it will go away. I really do not think that it will.

As for a therapist, I am in a very small city in the middle of nowhere but am looking into moving to the Ottawa, ON region within the year. I am thinking that I will be more likely to find appropriate support there.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Andrew.....

Hon, I can't really give you any advice as I'm long time married without any kids....

But, I do want to take a minute to commend you for how you are handling this.

Being so open and understanding is your child's best bet...just what you're doing right now.

If more parents were like you there would be less like me (coming out at 58)....

Good on you, Hon, and best of luck with you and your child!

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Andrew, and welcome to the Playground.

I'm very glad that you found us, because we can help you. There are many parents of TG kids here who will share their wonderful advice and

experience. You are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter to be herself as much as possible, and not pushing her one way or

the other.

What both of you really need is a gender therapist. I hope you can find one nearby. A G.T. can help sort through the problems that both of

you are facing, and give you advice and options. They can test your daughter too to determine or confirm that she is transgender, but it

seems to be the case based on what you've described.

Please post your questions and concerns in the Parents of TG Kids forum, and you will get thoughtful answers.

You are very wise and very caring to come to a place like this to find your answers. I hope everything goes well for the both of you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest AndrewH]

Hello, Andrew.....

Hon, I can't really give you any advice as I'm long time married without any kids....

But, I do want to take a minute to commend you for how you are handling this.

Being so open and understanding is your child's best bet...just what you're doing right now.

If more parents were like you there would be less like me (coming out at 58)....

Good on you, Hon, and best of luck with you and your child!

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

Thanks for the Welcome Donna!

It would be a better world if it were safe for all of us to be ourselves from the time we are born... maybe then some of us (like me) wouldn't end up so confused! ... and I did have parents who were more open to a variety of things than most.

Coming out at 58 must be difficult. I have in the past few years talked to my family and friends about being bisexual, and about my gender... how I seriously considered transitioning and how, I am learning to come to terms with myself inside and out. I am 33.

I have tears in my eyes posting here.

wow.

I did not expect this to be emotional.

[Guest AndrewH]

Thanks. I will check out the parents area.

How does one go about finding a gender therapist?

[MaryEllen]

Hello Andrew,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Judging from your IP, I'd say you are in a pretty remote area. The nearest therapists that we have listed near to you are in Toronto. You might find something that you could ues here.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/intgender_therapsits.htm

A word of caution. I would avoid the Clarke Institute and in particular Dr Kenneth Zucker. He has caused countless suicides with his reparative type therapy.

Perhaps online or telephone sessions would work for you.

MaryEllen

[Guest AndrewH]

I am not surprised that the nearest is in toronto.

Thank you for the link. I will check it out and see what I can find from there.

Thank you also for the warning. It is scary how many bad therapists and psychologists are out there in the world. I and others in my family have run into a few and they can cause so much damage.

[Guest Jean Davis]

I figured that this was the most appropriate place to introduce myself.

I am Andrew. This is not the name that my family and friends know me by but it is the name that I often use when thinking of myself. I have always known that I had a male spirit even as my body because more and more feminine as I got older. I am living my life in my female body as if I were a woman though.

Welcome to the family Andrew, so nice to meet you.

As a teen I struggled with annorexia. Now I sometimes struggle with binge eating, but I have the eating issues fairly well under control. I also have Asperger's Syndrome.

I'm happy to hear that you're able to keep your eating habits under control and sorry to hear about your condition. Hopefully your doctor has been able to help you with your condition.

I became a parent at the age of 17. Pregnancies were very difficult for me. I have 5 children. 4 sons, and one daughter (who has a male body but who has told me since she could speak that she was a girl and who, when dividing up teams in games at school and church would have to be reminded that she was a boy and was on the wrong side of the room.) she is now 7 and is starting at times to hide who she is.

Sounds like you have a wonderful family, though now would be a good time to find a therapist for your daughter.

She is the reason that I signed up for this site. I am doing well at coming to terms with my life as a man in a woman's body. I cannot transition, my body does not do well with hormone treatment (I ended up with a pulmonary embolism when I tried taking pills to stop my period) I guess I am still confused sometimes. I am trying to learn to be myself even though I am not in a body that feels like it is mine... but I am also trying to learn to be comfortable being who my body is... learning to balance and learning to be more feminine because in some ways it makes things easier in the world.

Don't sell yourself short on this, just because you didn't do well with that hormone treatment, perhaps that's your bodies way of saying that you're running on the wrong hormones. I may be wrong on this but I think that estogen is the main hormone used for that treatment, perhaps your body just got to much and rejected it or it could be that you would be better off with more testosterone in your system. The only way to find out is to see a doctor about it.

When I went to college I chose a completely inappropriate line of study (Child and youth work/Social work) partly because I wanted to be there for people like myself but also because... well girls are supposed to do that kind of thing... right? and I had been told for years that I needed to learn to act like a girl. I did wonderfully in the academics but not so well wiitht he practical work. I can't read body language and am too blunt... and what I really wanted to do was learn mechanics. I had an opportunity to do a tiny bit of work volunteering as a mechanic's assistant this summer and am looking into learning more about this and maybe finding a training opportunity.

Life certainly has it's hard lessons. I think that's wonderful that you have a chance to work as a mechanic, if that is what you like to do don't allow anything to hold you back from it.

But... back to my child.

I have been to chat on this site twice now, after moments that made me worry about her. It is hard knowing some of the things that she will face as she gets older. When she was younger she just was herself, now she will tell me things like "I don't want dad to know about my tiara and lipgloss" even while asking me to take a picture and post it on facebook and forums so that all the world can see how beautiful she is. She refers to herself less as "she " now than she used to but still wants dresses and make up and pretty things.

Now would be a good time to set a good example to her by comming out yourself at least to your immediate family. You know as well as the rest of us that feeling embarassed about ourselves and having low self esteem leads to a list of problems down the road. Perhaps the both of you could see a therapist and while doing that at least be open in your own home. The absolute worst people to lead a double life with is your family (the ones that you love) and the longer you hide this the worse it is going to be in the future.

She was recently online with her brothers and they discovered a famous cross dresser with a vegas show... Frank Marino. My daughter looked at his site, and marvelled at his amazing wardrobe and shoes and make up and how people PAY him to dress in these beautiful things and PAY him to be a woman instead of telling him to forget about it because he is a boy. She wants to meet Frank Marino and others and learn about how it was growing up and being able to be a girl when he wants to.

I think that is wonderful that she has someone that she can look up to as a role model. But please let her know that people go to see Frank for his other talents and this is not what normally happens. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get where he is now.

So far I just try to go with the flow. If my child is refering to herself ans "she" or as "Gloria" then I will use those terms if my child is saying "he" and going by the name she was given as a baby who appeared to be male I go with that.

we have a variety of toys both traditionallly male and traditionally female and everyone is allowed access to any of them.

I have told her that no one gets to wear make up to school until they are 13 or get their ears pierced until they are 11. When that time comes, if that is still what is wanted, we will cross that bridge together. I have also said that the tiara is not an appropriate accessory to wear to school. She has snuck out of the house wearing bows and ribbons and things in her hair and ended up teased and thrown into a dumpster before. This makes me sick. She is an amazing child and, so far, she is lucky there are a group of girls who accept her and her best friend lives in a house very nearby.

I think that is wonderful how you handled the makeup and earings. As far as the abuse she is experiencing, I would suggest that if possible have one or more of her friends accompany her around as often as possible. Perhaps you could get her a cell phone also. Walt Disney has one out on the market that you can meter the amount of miniutes she is allowed to use and it has GPS so you know where she is at all times just in case something would happen.

When she was younger I was hoping that she would grow out of it... but she is now 7, I don't know if she will transition, choose to live as a man and crossdress sometimes, or just grow out of it entirely but seeing as this isn't something that most people can understand I thought I would find places where I can be open about what is going on with myself and with her.

Whatever happens we're happy to have you with us. Perhaps you and your daughter could read our forums together and maybe she would like to ask a couple of questions. Of course you would have to type them in for her until she becomes 13 but we would love to answer any that she has on her mind.

Wishing only the best for the both of you

LUV

Jean

[Sally]

Hello again, Andrew,

I just posted to you on your other topic.

I have to agree with Jean that it is important to be honest with your family, the longer you put it off the more they will feel the pain of not having been told and words like deceit, betrayal and lying start popping up and I think that it would be better for your daughter if she did not learn to be ashamed of herself.

I will not, however offer you any advice as to the best way to do this because I obviously did it very poorly - my wife left but we didn't have any children.

I waited almost as long as Donna Jean to admit to myself that I was indeed an MTF transsexual (largely because I hate that label - I prefer Gender Gifted) I was only 57!

Started on hormones just three weeks before my 58th birthday.

So it has been an interesting journey up to now and one that I would not want to ever have to retrace.

I am finally learning how to love myself, others and to be happy - it all happened here with the help of all of the wonderful people here.

So whenever you need to - just shout out or stick out your hand and someone will rescue you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AndrewH]

I have spoken to my family in bits and pieces about it... I have not hidden it completely.

I have also spoken to my partner about it. When I was married I did not tell my husband... but he knew. I remembe many times him yelling at me "Living with you is just like living with a MAN!" um... yeah... there was a good reason for that.

The way my kids know it is that "I am a woman with the brain and spirit of a man"

So even though I am not transitioning, I do not feel I am being deceitful to my family... the rest of the world... yeah I am living a lie... and I do have to think about how that affects my children and myself.

Some of the other things that have been said I really need to think about before responding any further... like the idea that estrogen was the problem and testosterone could still be a possibility some day.... I had written everything off in my mind.

The whole thing is so complex in the way it affects self and family and relationships etc...

------------------------------------------------

My daughter just came and asked me if it was OK that she chose a female avatar for her computer game. She was afraid that she would HAVE TO choose a boy. I of course told her that she could choose any face and body that she would like for the computer game. On a game you can be whoever you want.... but that just shows how the world is getting to her... it is time to find a therapist. *sigh* I need to get us to a bigger city.

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Welcome.

I think that her facination with the female impersonator, is probably due to her feeling more and more pressure to act like a boy, and being abused for being true to herself. She is grasping onto this (it being a profession) as possibly being a legitimately accepted way for her to be herself, that she might be revered rather than ridiculed.

It certainly doesn't seem like a phase that she's going through, i'm not sure what the current thinking is on if this can have any kind of genetic component that might be passed on. She clearly showed signs way too easily for it to be as a result of any influence you had on her.

I do think you possibly both need to come out to family together, if you wait to tell people about your daughter then there is a chance that they may believe it's copycat behavior and not take her seriously.

Your daughter is incredibly lucky for having a parent that understands what she's going through so intimately, in that if you do this right, she could grow up as and go through purberty as a girl, having never been through male purberty her secondary sexual characteristics would look flawless. she wouldn't have tax or work records as male. and it's much easier to start at a new school as your correct gender than it is to start a new job.

You do both need to see a gender therapist, my suggestion would be to find someone who you might be able to talk to on the phone, but try a book a couple of sessions over a weekend and stay in a hotel, do whatever if you don't have easy access. A child psychologist might also be helpful, while they might not have specific knowledge of gender issues, they can probably help her to work out how she really feels and what she really wants, and discover issues or problems she might have, If you can't get to see a GT for a while, this would at least be something you could do.

Of course just stting down and having an honest chat with her, I know it might be a bit difficult with her being so young. But if she doesn't understand about hormones, and SRS and what might be possible. For the longest time, I completely ruled out ever doing this because I didn't want to be some kind of outcast, hybrid freak. My experience of transexuals was entirely from TV, so I thought the best I could ever look like was a man in drag.

I'd explain the whole spectrum to her, starting with "there are some people who just like to wear women's clothes" up to full SRS. Also let her know that there is no rush for her to decide how she feels, and it's ok for her to be unsure or change her mind, the important thing is just that she talks to you about it, and that she is herself and is happy.

You have probably about 4 years before she would need to start on androgen blockers, to prevent male puberty, and even if after that she changed her mind, coming off them would then just let it happen albeit late. Once she's on them, she could have more time if she wanted before starting on estrogen, but if she's living as a girl at that time, she will probably want to keep up with her peers regarding physical development. Also her skeleton will not stop developing, and estrogen at that age should have so effect on it's development leading to wider hips etc. (this is something that can't happen once you're done growing).

So there's still plenty of time left, but don't use that time to stay quiet and just see if she grows out of it, every day she is probably getting more damaged and hurt, and those emotional scars can really mess us up for a long, long time. You've been blessed with the opportunity to make sure that your daughter can still have a happy childhood, something most of us didn't get.

[Guest Chandra]

Dear Andrew,

I can not personally relate to your complex story, our lives are different but we both felt the need to reach out. So in a way we kind of hit bottom. Once we have hit bottom there is only one way to go, which is up. Just coming to terms with it enough to tell us all about it tells me you have begun the heeling process. I think the resources you will find here will help you very much.

Welcome into your other caring loving family dear Andrew.

Take Care and Best Wishes for you and family Chandra

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Welcome Andrew

I can see that you are transgendered yourself as well as your child. As a parent and being transgendered you clearly understand what your child is going through. As you know, no one "grows out" of being transgendered. It is not a phase. For your child, I suggest that you read the Parents forum and pay particular close attention to Meridan, Again, and Twinstar's posts. These three wonderful parents have contributed so much to Laura's and have shared their stories and wisdom. As a parent you will immediately see that you are going through what many parents of transgendered children are going through.

For yourself, and your child, I recommend that you both see a gender therapist when it is manageable. You both deserve it.

The fact that you have come here is a very positive sign that things are going to improve fo the both of you. The more you participate here, the more you realize that everything you have felt, everything that you have experienced, every uncertainty is felt and known by us all.

Love

Brenda