Lonely...

[Guest Anna_Banana]

I had been contemplating making this topic for a few days now, but I wasn't sure if it was worth the effort. I didn't think it would make things any different. I'd still be sitting here all alone. I mean sure, I could talk my heart out on here, but it's just not the same as having someone with you in person. I've been very lonely since I separated with my fiancée four months ago. The story has been told time and time again, but I lost her to depression medication. No, she isn't dead, but she practically is to me. One day she decided to stop taking her Cymbalta for good, thinking everything was better. There were times in the past when she had skipped a day on accident and the effects were horrible: schizophrenia, nightmares, extreme anger, and suicidal tendencies. This time, however, it seemed like she was going to be hospitalized. The schizophrenia came for a week or two. She would scream that there were vampires or zombies all around her, that she could see them trying to get her. She'd barricade herself in a room, ducking low to avoid windows, all the while crying non-stop. I tried to convince her mother to take her to the hospital, but her mother is stupid and did nothing. In fact, she agreed that my ex should stay barricaded in her room because she herself couldn't stand listening to the screaming...

Eventually the schizophrenia stopped, however, something was still wrong. She became emotionally distant, seemingly angry all the time, though she'd claim nothing was wrong. She cut off all her hair, took up drinking whiskey and other hard liquor, and got a massive tattoo across her back. All of these things were way out of character for her. She used to be the sweetest person I ever met. She was all about saving the planet, helping animals, and doing good deeds for those who needed help. Her hobbies consisted of knitting, basket weaving, reading, hiking, and flower/bug watching. She was a nature junkie with a free spirit. Now? She volunteers to work long hard hours at a local fast food restaurant, threw away all of her hobbies (because they are girlie and weak), and spends her free time hanging out with low-class people who support her drinking habit and possibly provided her with drugs (she won't tell me, but she's expressed interest).

One day she told me she was being raped by demons in the middle of the night and she would wake up sore. A few days after, she began screaming at me, cursing at me, and hitting herself for no apparent reason. It was at this point that I drove her to the hospital because I knew she needed help. However, I live in a pretty backwards community. I've personally dealt with the local hospital on many occasions because of my own health problems, and I know for a fact that they purposefully undertreat their patients in order to make more money. So what happened when I took her to the hospital? They put her in a room for a while, blatantly watched her hit herself for hours, and then let her go untreated. The social worker came in, told her that he was tired (it was 6 AM), and then signed her release forms.

I guess it's good to get the full story off my back, but it still doesn't help me feel less upset about it. I'm very lonely. We were madly in love with each other and had been engaged for a year. She accepted me early on as trans, and I fear now that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Who in the world would want to be with me, especially knowing I was formerly male?

*sigh*

.Anna

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry to hear about your fiancee. Don't think it was anything that you did on your side just that when she stopped taking her medicine some bad reaction to not being on it made her the way she is now. Just remember it was not your fault. It sounds like no matter how bad it got you still tried to love her and make it work.

As far as you ever being in love again, just give it time. There is always someone out there that is understanding to our situation and don't care what we were only what we are when they meet us.

Sorry I can't be more helpful to you but you can pm me if you want to talk more.

Love,

Sarah F

[Sally]

Anna,

I too am alone, my wife had similar problems that she had kept under control and hidden from me before we married but they came out about three months into a nearly six year marriage where I was afraid to say no to her because of the ensuing violent fit, she broke a number of things by throwing them at me, ripped one of my photographs in half and constantly screamed about going back to her mother - well she finally did and what a relief it was.

I have been told that there will be someone for me someday, my best friends always tell me that - I want to believe them and I think that I should because I am like that - I love people for who they are not for what they look like or how society will view me for being with them.

There have to be more people like me out there and someday we will meet one and they will not care how we were born or how well we pass, they will see our spirits and love us for the truly loving and caring people that we are.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Anna, Sweetheart...

Number one .....there is some one for you. There is someone for everyone. We just have to seek them out and sometimes they just fall right into our laps. It comes from unknown directions when you least expect it. I realize that you're lonely right now...most of us have been in that spot....

And, don't blame yourself over her....she was on meds for a reason and if she stopped taking them and reverted to being someone else, you had no control and couldn't help.

She has/had to want to be better and there is no way to force her.....when one stops taking their meds of their on free will it's their decision...

But, I've very sorry that it turned out this way..

I realize that it's a difficult place to be....

Wish that I could give you a real hugg....

LOVE & HUGG...

Donna Jean

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Just my luck, I ended up seeing her today because she wanted to give me stuff back that apparently she still had. I played nice for a while and listened to the what's-new-in-my-life speal. But that didn't help because all she does these days is borderline illegal or flat out illegal activities. I don't understand what happened. By the end of the meeting I begged to know what happened between us and this only led to her telling me that all I do is attack her all the time. I ended up crying and wished she had never given the stuff back. I'd rather be left alone then be hurt like this. It really feels so wrong that the universe let this happen. She was a gorgeous, intelligent, fun-loving individual once-upon-a-time. Now she's unkempt and dirty, mean-spirited, and a waste of talent. She told me last month that she dropped out of college. She used to be a straight A student almost every year of her life; even had perfect attendance most years too. Instead, she just stopped going to class and took straight F's, ruining her bachelor's degree that she was so close to getting. Now she says she's going to join the army, but I don't really believe she'll commit.

I just can't keep doing this. I almost couldn't drive home, I was so upset this afternoon. This is too hard for me to handle...

.Anna

[Guest Donna Jean]

AWww...Geez, Anna.....

I'm so sorry...

I wish that there was something more that I could do or say to help you, but, I know that this pain will have to go away on it's own....

We Love you, Honey...a lot...

Donna Jean

[Guest sarah f]

I am sorry you had to go through that all again. I know you must be devistated right now. Just remember that you did not cause this it was her. I hope you start to begin feeling better.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Elizabeth K]

ANNA!

My goodness - as if being trans was not enough to worry about!

Honey - you will be just fine!

My Aunt B would have this theory - you have all this good waiting to happen. She was one of those lovely ladies that love cats. These cats were extremely well taken care of - and were like her children. But cats have a shorter life span that even us old people! When one would die (usually old age or a fatal illness) she would mourn - deeply rue the loss - but... she would say, 'just wait and see?' Within a few days another homeless orphen cat would show up! It was amazing how it always seemed to happen that way!

Well, you are not talking about cats here. Your loving fiance - with her huge set of problems - may fade out of your life. BUT

Someone else will come into it!

Thats how it works with loving, kind people!

So you are really NOT alone - just waiting.

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

Anna, sorry I;m a little late finding this topic.

You poor thing, I feel so terrible for you. But my friends are right, you just have to find a way to put this relationship behind you and find

another. But first you'll need to grieve the loss of this one, and that will take time. Let it take all the time you need, hon. No rush.

Just know that we'll all be here for you and we love you.

You WILL find another special someone. You're a wonderful woman and you deserve happiness.

HUGS'

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jean Davis]

I guess it's good to get the full story off my back, but it still doesn't help me feel less upset about it. I'm very lonely. We were madly in love with each other and had been engaged for a year. She accepted me early on as trans, and I fear now that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Who in the world would want to be with me, especially knowing I was formerly male?

Ohh Oh

This sounds bad, it sounds like a job for Dr. Jean and Nurse Sally.

Dr. Jean: What are the symptoms Nurse Sally?

Nurse Sally: Low self esteem due to poor oxygen flow to the brain.

Dr. Jean: Ohh my, that could only mean one thing, I know what I must do.

Nurse Sally: No you don't mean!

Dr. Jean: Yes radical brain relocation, it seems as though she has been sitting on her brains thus causing the poor oxygen flow and making herself think that there is no one who would like to be with her. Nurse Sally could you please bring in the necessary equipment.

Nurse Sally returns to the room with a size 11 steel toed boot and Dr. Jean places it firmly on her foot.

Dr. Jean: Anna could you please lean over the observation table.

Anna asks what are you planning on doing.

Dr. Jean: Well I figured it was obvious, I'm going to kick you in the butt. I mean if you actually think that there is no one amongst the billions of people on Earth that will love you for who you are I think that you need it, perhaps twice. I mean just look around this site, all the relationships that here plus all of those who don't find us here at Laura's. So I figured that I would relocate your brains back to your head and give you a perscription for some self esteem.

Sorry for being so rough but the truth is that you have to get your self esteem and pride back before you decide/do anything. You're a wonderful person, I see you on the forum all the time helping people, giving great advice and honest opinions. What's not to love, any person that is that stupid to allow your past to stand in front of their future doesn't deserve you. But I'll let you in on a little secret, THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THAT ARE INTELLIGENT AND WON'T LET YOUR PAST BOTHER THEM. So get out there and find some of them, get your pride back and then figure out what your future holds for you and your S/O. Because as I see it now all she is is one big anchor dragging you down, get away from her and recover your self esteem and then do what you see fit.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Anna_Banana]

[A very long post was here.]

I guess you are right, it's just very difficult to swallow this pill. It tastes rather bitter. My self-esteem on the whole has been pretty low, and I realize that I've been looking for an external fix to correct the internal problem. In reality, I need to work on the opposite. But it's not going to be easy, not that anyone said it would. I'm partial to free handouts, even though I'm not receiving any.

.Anna

[Guest Elizabeth K]

What doesn't kill you - makes you stronger!

Do I believe in that?

ummmm... to a point!

I think you will be stronger in a while! BUT this thing has left some pretty significant wounds. That is worrysome!

Many have rallied to you - thank GOD for friends - but you must keep us in the know of how you are doing!

DON'T let this kill you!

LOVE YOU - you are a rock most times!

BUT...

Unconditionally love you now in your suffering! So many here do! That's a pretty good deal compared to what you are losing? Donno

Lizzy

[Sally]

Anna,

Listen to Nurse Sally - I always thought I was Momma Sally but apparently I have gotten a degree over night - she made the bad choices, going off of the meds and starting the life that she has from within a bottle - a really bad choice but they were not your choices, you had nothing to do with it.

You can beat yourself up and assume that it was because you are trans and lose all of your self esteem or you can accept the fact that she made a choice - and it is something that she will have to deal with.

As for you, there is supposed to be someone for everyone - I haven't found mine yet but just think about this - is it better to be miserable in a bad relationship or blissfully happy with your Internet friends in no relationship at all?

I have chosen the later and I am the happiest that I have ever been, I have my Best Girlfriends Donna Jean, Lizzy, Jean Davis , Carolyn Marie --- get the idea and I have my boyfriends Joe, Shane, Jackson, Stranded -- see?

Then my children starting with Zabrak and Skyy - I am never alone but I am very happy without anyone here with me.

Pick yourself up and take a good look, you have a lot to offer, don't hide it behind a veil of insecurity and depression.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

My dear sweet Anna,

Hon, many transgendered women find very rewarding, loving relationships. There is no reason whatsoever for you to every feel that you are not lovable. I gurantee you that by the end of this year you will be posting joy of a blossoming relationship

Schizophrenia is a very deabilitating disease. Not only for the person who is afflicted with this disease, but also for all those around them. I would like to suggest a book to read regarding your experience with schizophrenia. The book is titled "Surviving Schizophrenia A Family Manual" by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D. I think that you will find this book very helpful. Schizophrenia exists in my family, and I know first hand how challenging this disease is to witness.

In closing, I would like to express my concern over your fiancee's use of Cymbalta. This drug is a general purpose drug for depression and pain relief. My primary concern with this drug is that even the drug manufacturer does not really know how the drug works. Also, Cymbalta is under FDA review.

Personally, I think that Cymbalta is not a proven theraputic drug for schizophrenia patients, and I advise that your friend seek additional guidance as to what appropriate drug therapies are available to her.

Love

Brenda

[Guest ricka]

Hi Anna--really sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. Coping with the mental illness of someone you love is totally devistating. Hon, from the symptoms and behaviors you describe it sounds like your fiancee has bi-polar disorder and becomes psychotic when she is having a manic episode. This is a little different than schizophrenia but what they have in common is the psychosis. Brenda's post was right on about Cymbalta. This medication treats depression but not psychosis and will not prevent psychosis or decrease psychotic symptoms. Probably the prescriber only saw your fiancee when she was depressed and not psychotic and prescribed this to treat the depression. E. Fuller Torrey's book for families of people with Schizophrenia applies nevertheless and is a must-read. Psychosis sadly disrupts the emotions around intimacy which makes close relationships with loved ones especially tumultuous and heart-wrenching. The good news is that with the proper medication people with severe and persistent mental illness can be normal and live normal lives and have healthy relationships. It's often hard to get people to take medications because their insight and judgement is also impaired and it is common that they see nothing wrong with themselves. This is especially a problem with people who are having a manic episode because they feel a euphoria that is not unlike a continual drug high and don't want to give that feeling up, especially if they have suffered from depression in the past. I don't know if there is a chapter of NAMI--The National Alliance of the Mentally Ill but if you can find one within traveling distance I strongly urge you to check it out. It is for families of people with mental illness. Your local mental health center should be able to give you the contact information.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Robin Winter]

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

 Actually shi denial is not something we do, its a river in Egypt , surly you must have heard of da queen of de Nile

[Guest Robin Winter]

 Actually shi denial is not something we do, its a river in Egypt , surly you must have heard of da queen of de Nile

I was da queen of denial for a while, but it got tiresome...and soggy.

Plus I'm allergic to Crocodile bites. They make me bleed for some reason, and I never have benadryl on hand when I need it.