New To This

[Guest Morningstar!]

Hi,

I am a Mom to a 16 year old FTM. He told us late summer, and the fall has been a tough one for us. My husband and I love our kids unconditionally and all we want for them is happiness and a healthy joyful life. I saw signs some time ago that something bothered my child, but every time i tried to talk he would tell me everyhing was OK. When he eventually told us he was having a break down. He sent us an email. He was so scared to tell us in person. My husband and I were shocked, everything was a mess. My thoughts were everywhere. My brain tried to process the facts. My mouth said stupid things. I tried so hard to understand. My husband and I consider ourselves pretty liberal, yet i had a hard time grasping this. I was mad at myself, my child, my husband, the whole darn world... My child has been suffering and was to scared to tell us - how could that be? I had always tried to have an open communication and always been supportive. He told us he had been feeling this way since he was preteen. He told us he had been depressed for the last two years. And, we just thought it was the normal awkward teenage stuff a child goes through. He was, and is, doing very well in school so that was never really an indicator. He had great friends. Anyway, we went through all kinds of feelings this fall and we still don't understand, but we have accepted. We respect and support him. We have talked a lot about it and he has been seeing a therapist. Since he told us he has been so much happier and stopped seeing the therapist a month ago. I think he lost some friends, but I know he gained some new ones too. The hardest thing is when people are asking me what is going on with "her". To some I have been honest and explained. To others that I don't know so well I have just said something vaguely about her preferring boys clothes since they are not so tight.... I know people are talking behind our backs and to some extent it bothers me. i have lost friends too, but I came to the conclusion that they weren't much of friends anyway. This brings up a question I have - does anybody know of any places in US that is transgender friendly? By that I mean, where people are not so judgemental re this? I often think about hate crimes against gays, transgenders, cross dressers..... it concerns us a lot. He will be going to university/college in 2 years. Also, this has affected our youngest daughter too. It is not easy for her when her friends are asking about her big sister.... And, then we have the friends' parents....

I hope I wasn't too long, or rambled on too much!

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Morningstar!

Welcome to the Playground...and no, Sweetheart, you didn't ramble at all....

Sit down and let me get you some hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies...

Now, Hon.....

You are a good parent! You love your childern and it shows. This is all very hard for the Transperson, the parents, the wife, the husband...all of us suffer...'

You understand.

It's not something we ask for or "decide" to do...we're born this way. And it can be painful for all involved.

We have a bunch of S/O's and parents on this forum and they can be of immense help...All of them have gone through what you are going through now...Be sure to visit the parents forum....OK?

Hang in there a bit and there will be some of the others come by to say "Hello"....

This is a difficult journey, but a shared load is lighter...

I'm so happy that you found us, Sweetheart....

HUGGS! & LOVE!

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Morningstar!

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Lots of friendly and supportive people not only to those of us who are tg but to parents, SO's, friends, anyone wanting to know more about gender issues and how others are coping with them. You have a lot of good questions, and the one I would be concerned about is any tg friendly places. I'm not sure as there are of course support groups all around, but people being what they are, I wonder if any place doesn't have a whole spectrum of attitudes.

Hopefully for your and your family's sake, eventually the rumors and gossip will die as other stories take their place and others learn that your family isn't that much different than practically every family around, as you all live day to day lives. I know lots of people who could be considered liberal but they often gossip as much as anyone else. At least here, we'll listen, and offer suggestions and accept who you and your child are.

We're glad you're here.

Chloë

[Guest Morningstar!]

Thank you Donna Jean and Chloe (what button on keyboard for the dots above the e?)! I think this forum and others on this site will give answers, support and insights as well as I hope I might contribute with some help to others. Thanks for welcoming me and my family!

[Guest sarah f]

I would like to first say welcome to Laura's. I would also like to point out and thank you for using the correct gender when talking about your new son. I am a parent also with 3 kids and would only hope that they could come out to me if that is the path they wanted to follow. I know firsthand how hard it is to come out to the people you love. I am still in hiding but hope to come out sometime this year.

As far as somewhere in the US that you can move to, I would say California. I know what everyone says about San Francisco but they are not too far from the truth either. They are very understanding there much more so than small towns. The only problem with CA is that it is very expensive to live there. I hope that helps out.

You might get your son to sign up to the site if he has not already done so. There are a lot of young kids on this site that could possibly be of help.

Keep posting your questions and we will try to help out.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Pól]

Hi Morningstar!, nice to meet you!

You're already starting from a good place. You clearly care very much about your family, and you're trying to support your children as best you can. Being here and having the courage to tell others about what's going on in your life counts for a lot.

I have one quick suggestion for you, re: what to tell your friends, acquaintances, parents of your children's friends, etc. I think the best course here would probably to discuss with your son, your daughter, and your husband, and decide as a group what you want your strategy to be. The advantage of a team decision is that your son will probably feel less overwhelmed that people are asking, and that way you share the responsibility for whatever strategy for telling people you pick. You don't want to accidentally end up in a position where you've told people before your son was comfortable with being out with them. Agreeing with him on what you will and won't do beforehand will hopefully avert that problem. Also, being on the same page as your husband about all this stuff is probably a very good idea if it's possible.

I get the idea that the northeast is generally comparatively tolerant of trans people. Obviously, there are hateful people wherever you get, but I think you'll have better odds in the northeast, in larger communities where there's less gossip. I'm at uni now, and though I'm stealth (I'm FTM also), I know people who are out, and they do just fine from what I can tell. I've heard good things about California and the west coast, but I've never been, so I can't really comment much beyond that. For applying to universities, one easy thing you can do is to check to see if "gender identity and expression" is protected under their anti-discrimination policies. That won't guarantee and safe community, but it's a start. If you have more questions about uni, feel free to PM me once you've got 5 posts, and I'd be glad to answer any questions for you.

Hang about, keep asking questions, and contribute as much as you feel comfortable. It's really good to have the opinions of parents here, too. You're doing so much already to help your child, just by being so supportive and understanding. There'll be some more parents along in awhile -- this forum tends to go at a slightly slower pace than some of the others, but give them a little time. There are some great parents here to talk to (yourself included).

All the best,

Pól

[Guest meridian]

Welcome, Morningstar!--to Laura's and to the club of parents of transgendered children, teens, and young adults. We all know what you are going through, and we have shared your feelings and concerns. My daughter came out to me and my husband about two years ago, when she was 20, and we felt very much as you did. Please find my older posts on the parents forum (or through clicking on my username) to get all the details.

I've discovered that children either realize they are in the wrong gender from birth, or it hits them in adolescence. Our child became very depressed at age 16+, and clearly this was a factor.

As for transgender-friendly places, it's good to know, but in fact your own location may surprise you. I have found a very supportive community of friends in a place not noted for freespiritedness. In fact, our daughter lived in northern CA for a while, but found it hard to make friends there and found a much more welcoming community with friends in her home location.

I don't have time to write more now, but you will find a very warm welcome in the parents forum. It's cold all over the US today. Please join us, sit down, and sip Sally's hot cocoa. I can't tell you how much Laura's has meant to me, and I hope you'll feel the same way very soon.

Love and a big hug,

Meridian

[Sally]

Hello Morningstar,

I am Sally, I have been mentioned by two of your greeters so far and that is not too unusual because I am know around the site as Momma Sally - I do not actually have any children in my real life (whatever that might mean) but I have a lot of children, brothers, sisters and the greatest friends that I have ever had right here at Laura's

Now you are doing all of the right things, you love your son, you call him by the right pronouns and I am pretty sure that you use his new name as well - all of these things are important to us but just knowing that you still love him will make the biggest difference in his life now and all along the way - a mother's love is priceless and one of the things that we risk when coming out, that is why he was so scared to talk to you.

As to best places to live - they all have drawbacks and bad neighborhoods but The Emerald City (Seattle) is noted for being trans-friendly.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest van-na]

Hi Morning star,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Parents meetings Thurs 9pm est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest bluelake]

Morningstar,

A warm welcome to Lauras. There are many wonderful folks here who are ready to listen, share, and support you in your family's journey.

Reading your post, a flood of memories came back to me. It reminded me of the similar feelings my husband and I had when our daughter came out to us 18 months ago, at 15. I think most parents are shocked by news like this. Before finding out about our children, most of us also had little or no exposure to transgender people and issues.

It sounds like you and your husband are very loving and are doing all you can to be there for your child. He's lucky you are his parents! Do look at some of the threads in the Parents Forums. There are quite a few parents of transgender teens, and you will find lots of support there.

As far as transgender friendly areas of the country, I agree with Meridian and others who say that often your own community may surprise you. We live in the Northwest, and it is known as a more transgender friendly area, though that would be mostly Seattle, Portland, and Eugene. The smaller, towns, suburbs, and rural areas are a whole different story. In the Portland area, a transgender minister and a transgender high school teacher came out a few months ago, and have had mostly tolerant receptions. I believe there were some parents who had a tough time accepting the teacher, but I've heard that, for the most part, the teens have been doing just fine.

I'm glad you found Lauras! I think you will find that it is a very special community of good, loving people!

Bluelake

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest Morningstar!]

Gosh - I wish you people were my neighbors! Thanks so much for all your welcomings - you have big and warm hearts!

I have questions, so I think I will go to parents forum and ask.

Hugs back to to you!

S

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Morningstar!

About the ë, well it's very hard and complicated and takes a real talent to get that to come out...of course, that's not the way I do it. I found it somewhere else on the internet, copied it when I created my account, and now it appears on the top of every page, so I just copy and paste. But don't tell anyone, I want them to think I'm very smart!

Hugs

Chloë