Outed In Public!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Restaurant:

I went out with a T-Girl friend from the GLBT meeting last night. She is 15 years out... on HRT forever but will NOT have SRS - she says!

But she is very obvious - and I feel sorry for that!

The rule? One many pass, but two will probably not? Well, in this case it was sooooo true. I would have been fine I think, be we were outed by the waiter who said,'can I help you fellows?"

Jane went craazzzzy! Turns out the waiter was gay - and he thought we were too, and out in drag! (We were in the 'diverse' part of New Orleans - but it was a 'straight' restaurant - according to Jane. hummmm - I think I will pick the next place to go!)

The poor waiter said he was so sorry when we explained we were trans - but NOT in drag! The gay community is somewhat like the rest of the world. They don't always 'get it."

Well - fortunately that sort of thing doesn't bother me anymore. So I got the word "FELLOWS" instead of 'GIRLS." It is so mixed these days I often get 'ma'am' or 'miss' when presenting male mode.

So you who are just starting - DON"T WORRY - BE HAPPY!

[Why do I suddenly want to sing that out in Calipso?]

HEE HEE

Being outed is certainly gonna happen some times!

Lizzy

[Guest April63]

I wouldn't really consider this the same as outing, because the waiter just thought you were guys. I would say you didn't pass would be a better term. Unless some other friends or people were around and heard it too. If it's just at a restaurant like this, then nobody really knows anything, because you're just a random person to the waiter.

Good job for getting over it, because this stuff happens all the time and there's nothing you can do about it.

[Carolyn Marie]

Good lesson, Lizzy, especially your attitude about it.

I'm really going to try to have that same easy going attitude when it happens to me. I hope that I

don't get all worked up over it. I suppose it depends on whether its just a mistake or the person

is mean about it.

I worry more about teenagers than adults. Teens can be cruel when they sense

someone is vulnerable. That's why I like the idea of going to the mall during the week when the kids

are at school.

You are my role model, Lizzy. Thanks!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

I wouldn't really consider this the same as outing, because the waiter just thought you were guys. I would say you didn't pass would be a better term.

Just a matter of semantics......

Outed, Made, Clocked, Read.......

It's still distressing to most of us for the most part.....and we all handle it differently at different times....

Lizzy....you handled it with style....good on you!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Two women sitting in the corner (us) - a couple next to us (looked up smiled and returned to looking in each other's eyes) and a group of three natal women (Girls really - looked at us once or twice and got bored). The waiter was loud. Everyone caught it (very small restaurant). Jane was peeved as she said, 'Now we can't use the women's restroom!" HA!

I used it anyway!

So there!

Well 'read?" People can read you but not say anything. I considered the way he said it in full voice was 'outing.' I am still not 100% satified with his expalination. We were the last to go - he said, 'thank you guys!' But in today's world that was probably just a slip.

I wonder what he called us when he saw Jane left him a $2 tip! (did I mention she was peeved?)

Funny!

Oh forgot - I was in voice - stayed that way the whole time! I LOOKED HOT! Black tights and my short dark blue denim skirt!

Lizzy

[Guest viv]

.

Hi Lizzy,

I dont think Id mind too much as long as there was no threat

to my safety etc. If the waiter was effiminately gay he would have

a sharper eye , you know??. like a GG . viv

[Sally]

Quite honestly Lizzy, I am so impressed that you have mellowed so much.

There was a time when you would have had your hand in your purse reaching for your pistol!

Good for you - style and grace under pressure - you have come a long way baby!

Did I mention that I am proud of the way you handled it?

You know I love you,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

.

Hi Lizzy,

I dont think Id mind too much as long as there was no threat

to my safety etc. If the waiter was effiminately gay he would have

a sharper eye , you know??. like a GG . viv

Kinda what I thought - he had checked us out and cued us as what he thought we were. When Jane really got a tone going (she can do that - ex-Marine) she said something about how hurtful it is when people don't see you as you are and accept you! That's when he said, "I of all people should know that!'

It was NOT a threatening situation! I try so very hard to be careful about those things! We were in the GLBT neighborhood anyway. Lota of tourists sometimes - but these were all locals. Otherwise I would NOT have been on the streets in heels and short skirt, 9:00 PM - and with my purse in tow. I was also fully presenting female -as I do that at the meetings when I can - we all do!

[Guest sarah f]

Wow you really took the whole situation in perspective and let it go. I don't know how I would have reacted. I can see why your friend went off on the waiter though. He should have known better being gay himself. If you see someone dressed as ladies than greet them as ladies. It doesn't matter what you think of them but be respectful and greet them as they are dressed.

Love,

Sarah f

[Guest Neuro]

Aww, that is an unfortunate happening, but--it DOES happen every once and a while! It's best to do as you did--explain as gracefully as possible, and take the result with a grain of salt. I think you handled it well, and made a great example for all of us! The more little things get under our skin, the harder it is to move on.

Mooovin' on uuuup! You de-cii-hiiide! 8D

[Guest Jean Davis]

Unfortunately there are going to be people that suspect no matter how well we pass.

It all comes down to whether the person is an idiotic jerk and says something or is intelligent and courteous and treats you as you appear.

Unfortunately Lizzy got the idiot, I commend you on your attitude though. If your friend would have done the same as you perhaps you wouldn't have had as many people looking. You're truely an inspiration to us all.

After all women don't get that upset over that because they sure of their gender. I have seen Tyra call a whole audience full of women "GUYS" on her show and no one was upset about it in the least.

Perhaps we can all take Lizzy's example and not create a scene when we incounter these jerks.

LUV

Jean

[Guest rachael1]

The waiter was loud. Everyone caught it (very small restaurant). Jane was peeved as she said, 'Now we can't use the women's restroom!" HA!

I used it anyway!

So there!

Lizzy

Well done Lizzy!

I haven't had the courage to dress in public yet but when I eventually venture out my biggest fear is how I will handle myself if I am outed.

You handled it beautifully.

Rachael

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

A few years ago I had to out myself at a restaurant because I was dining with my girlfriend at the time and when it came time to pay I just pulled out my debit card and thought nothing of it. A few minutes later the waiter and the manager come back and they say, "uh, who is (male name)?" I had to volunteer that that person was in fact me. The waiter apologized because the name on the card was male but....at the table were two women.

He apologized and we laughed it off but I died of embarrassment and my g/f scolded me for not paying cash and accidentally outing myself.

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

You handled yourself very well Lizzy, a job well done I say so myself. It does get frustrating when people are ignorant like that waiter.

[Guest julia_d]

I would have said "nothing" and pointedly walked out and gone to the next place up the street.. so there.

[Guest nova]

You've got class, Lizzy!

I don't know about that gay waiter though . . . my gay friends are ALWAYS calling each other by female pronouns and other names like girlfriend, sister, etc., and I've seen them smile in the face of trans-women while deliberately using the wrong pronouns. I've had it done to me too. I was next in line at my bank, and this conceited acting gay teller looked at me and LOUDLY said, "SIR, you're next". (OK, I wasn't passing so well that day--so what) I turned around and said --LOUDLY-- to the guy behind me, "He wants you to go in front of me". Now, everybody was looking at my little tormentor like: what the heck is that teller's problem, and his smug expression turned to panic. So he says, "No, she's next . . . I'll help you here m'am (m'am?) Oh, well. He knew exactly what he was doing.

If he had been my waiter, I would have left him 2 cents for a tip!

[Guest AshleyRF]

I wouldn't put to much worry into being read this way. Even GG's who are out with transwomen who do not pass so well are also often thought to be trans themselves. It sucks to be read but it is bound to happen from time to time. There are just those people who could spot any of us anywhere. The real test is in how you handle the situation.

[Guest Anna_Banana]

I was in Disney World and this happened to me: I was dining out with a friend en femme and everyone in the restaurant respected me as a lady. I had to ask to speak to the chef because I have a food allergy and my food needs to be prepared a special way. The hostess and the waiter both addressed properly. The chef comes up, sees me wearing makeup, fancy feminine clothes, and styled hair. He says to me, "What can I do for you, sir?" He looks me in the eye the entire time, gives me terrible looks and walks away with an air of disgust. We got the manager and I explained how furious and upset I was.

It's nice that you can take this so well, Lizzy (you don't mind me speaking informally, do you? I feel obligated to say Ms. or Mrs.) but I wouldn't. When I pay money for something, I demand respect. I'll never go to that restaurant again and I won't recommend it to others. The sad thing is that the restaurant expects you to be respectful to them. If you put your arms on the table, you have to sit in the corner or something for a couple of minutes. It's all in good fun, of course, but I still found it appalling that they couldn't follow some of their own rules.

.Anna

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

A few years ago I had to out myself at a restaurant because I was dining with my girlfriend at the time and when it came time to pay I just pulled out my debit card and thought nothing of it. A few minutes later the waiter and the manager come back and they say, "uh, who is (male name)?" I had to volunteer that that person was in fact me. The waiter apologized because the name on the card was male but....at the table were two women.

He apologized and we laughed it off but I died of embarrassment and my g/f scolded me for not paying cash and accidentally outing myself.

For some reason it still bothers me when a server comes up to my wife and I and asks if "can I get you guys anything" or some such. I keep wanting to get sarchastic but then remember that was something the old me would have done. I usually look at my wife, smile softly and roll my eyes.

@Lizzy way to go girl you handle that with all the skill and aplomb of someone who could have taught that waiter a thing or two about guest relations.

@Lizzy M: I did that one day in a women's clothing store. Dang near died of embarassment since I had just purchased over 100$ worth of clothing for both my wife and myself. Pulled out the bank card, and like you wasnt thinking, OMG had the wrong name and pic on it. Well that changed in a hurry now it just has my initial and the pic has been updated.

[Guest julia_d]

"Guys" in that context it fine.. our group meetings the welcome was "hi guys" .. it's pretty much gender neutral. gg's use it in groups themselves.. nothing to worry about there. Fellows is a different kettle of fish.. If I had stayed there I would have pointed called him "sweetie" and "darling" and "baby" and "luvvie" all night until he was cringing with embarrassment. Lets see how he likes being addressed in a manner that outs him!

I'm hard as nails.. I won't let people walk on me any more. Female and proud for f--- sake!.. not a cringing frightened to make a scene T-girl frozen in the headlights.

Ask the post op girls if his manner of address was suitable.. you will get an answer like mine I guess. He as out of order and got let off very very lightly. It wouldn't have happened with me.. and I don't care about getting thrown out of a restaurant.. they should train their staff better.

[Guest Amanda joan]

I think it's a mistake to think that this is not going to happen to us.

There are way too many people in this world that just don't get it and don't want to get it!

Being a Trans-Woman or a Trans-Man is not a sin or an abomination, DAM IT!!!!

I would like to suggest that we need to get over the fact that there are a lot of jerks, as...les and conceeded butheads in this world.

I am a woman who has a medical condition that has me in a body that doesn't match my soul. Like the person burn with a cleft pallet this is something that people are going to notice. What we need to do is decide that what they think about us is none of our dam business. Well unless this is a person you want to date. Family is a little bit different but, hopefully there is a chance that you can educate them to understand what is going on between your ears. The rest of the world is coming along slowly. Let's face it there are people in the world who hate others because of much smalled differences, like what God they pray to, what country they were born in, how they dress and what they choose to eat. Do you really think that we should expect everyone we meet to respect what we are trying to do?

Now I argee we don't have to take crap from a bank teller or a waiter. We can use our purchasing power to make statements but, lets be honest most of the people in our Political Action Commitee are hiding from the public. I don't want to impune them I only say this to point out that many of these people may be confronting a Trans-person for the first time or may be reacting to the last jerk they meet who was trans.

There may come a time when we can pick and choose trans-friendly businesses but, I have not seen any businesses going out of their way to attract me to spend money in their place of business. Smart and kind salespeople have made me want to return to those places but, that is the only thing that I have noticed.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest Donna Jean]

I've been lucky I guess, so far....

I haven't been outed in public when presenting female....

Maybe my time's a coming', but so far, so good!

I'm sure that some one has "made " me (thinking to oneself or saying to another..."I think that's a man." but, never within my earshot.

When it happens to me (and it will) I hope to handle it in the best manner for the occasion.

For instance I would handle it differently if someone did it out of ignorance, hatefulness, confusion, just meaness...etc...

They will all get a different response from me.

And some of them will be nicer than others!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean