How Did You Do It =]

[Guest Kylani]

Hey everyone!

It was something I brought up in a meeting and was something I really needed to hear from everyone. We all know how much hearing others storys helps us, inspiring and giving hope for recovery.

I'm new to the program, and have 62 days today =]

I saw the substance abuse forum here and I thought maybe I would bring up this topic here!

For me I had been drinking since I was 9 years old. Alcoholically since I was 12 years old. I never understood what alcoholism was and never knew there was such a thing as recovery. Until one day my friend and I had saw our first episode of Intervention on A&E. I thought it was amazing. This girl and her drinking were so firmaillar to me. We used to make jokes about the show between us and our other friends. Deep down I never thought it was funny. I was always sick, I started failing out of school. I tried to control my drinking, switching drinks to less %'s, not drinking till a certian time of the day. I tried so meny times to control my drinking but failed everytime. I used to get myself in very dangerous situations, a couple of times that went absolutely sour.

Then one day my friend had came over at about 7am to walk to class with me. She made the comment 'Girrrrrrrl your room always wreaks of alcohol!' and I can remember jokingly saying to her later that day, 'Yeah.. I can't go a single day without drinking, I can't do ANYTHING without a drink'. She said to me 'Oh my gosh, really?' and foolishly I said no I'm only kidding.

Well that night something terrible happened as a result of my drinking. Took a ride from a stranger. That I think was one of the times I 'hit bottom'. In the next few days I told that same friend again, only this time said I really wasent joking. I could not function without it. To a lot of people it was shocking because I'm so young, but the thing is all of my friends we're really in the same position.

We went to get help. I was checked into detox in my town. Sadly I had a horrible experience with some staff who found out my status and kicked me out for 'providing false information durning the intake process'. I was extremly sick, shaking, throwing up constantly and thought I was loosing my mind. Seeing things that were not there. It was awful.

From what I can bearly rememeber, I stumbled across the street and made it to the university campus. I just remember laying on the ground, everything was spinning and a woman saying 'Yeah a white female, blond hair, engineering building 114' and shortly after I was surrounded by police and paramedics. That's all I can remember.

After that my next memory was waking up inside this wierd machine looking up at the ceiling. There were a lot of doctors around me. One of them said 'She's going under!' and I started moving forward on this platform. Turned out it was an MRI.

Waking up again I thought I was dreaming. Looking around I realized it was not a dream, and I was sitting there in a hospital bed, 2 IV's in my left arm and one in my right. My head was pounding and I had these electrodes all over me. That friend of my who took me to detox, was sitting next to me crying. I looked over to her and said 'Hey Girl!' and she looked up at me and yelled into the hallway, 'SHE'S AWAKE!'.

WOW! I was in a medically induced coma for 3 days. Long story short I spend 11 more days in that hospital bed.

Apon leaving the hospital I was transported to a treatment center like 100 miles away. I was only there for 2 days (They would not approve me taking hormones, but let me stay in the womens unit).

After leaving, my close friend knew going back to my parents house would be an awful mistake, and going back to my apartment even worse for my recovery. I never knew she had so much experience in working with addiction.

I managed to stay 'Dry' for 3 months. I say 'Dry' because it was not recovery. I wanted it to be, but still did not know exactly what recovery was about.

So I went back. It got bad for a while again, about 4 or 5 days and yeah got myself into a stupid situation with another guy. Found myself waking up in the next town over.

After that I stayed dry for another 2 months and started drinking again. This time I told my friend and she said she had a feeling. I hadnt been returning anyone's phone calls, and one of our instructors said he was worried about me because I was failing my course again.

This was the last straw. I met with a therapist who changed my life. He said I think you really need to get help and start going to AA. I thought to myself, OH GOD NO! My parents we're in 'AA' and still beat the crap out of me, wouldent let me eat at times, kicked me out of the house when I brought a boyfriend home. Why on earth would I want to be part of that.

But, this time I really wanted to get better. I told him about my past. How for 5 years I was forced into servetude, and why it was so hard for me to focus. One reason why I drank till I blacked out everyday for so long. I told him I wanted to get my life back on track, and I was really ready to get my life back. I would do whatever it takes. Treatment centers were out of the question as I had about 30 bad experiences that really ruined it for me (I wont go into it). This is when he asked me if I was a transsexual. I became all shocked and denied it, but he knew (I recently found out he's a FTM!!!).

He told me about this program they offer for young women who were once in my position. The offer included housing, disability assistance, public benefits, financial aid for school, counseling and hormones as there were a lot of FTM's in that program.

It was a real life saver, but I had to put my best foot forward and really work at it to do better. So I went to substance abuse counsling, therepy for my eating disorder, I got case management to help me with legal gender change/name change documents, and most importantly was that substance abuse assistance.

In order for me to get better, I had to tackle the biggest obstacle. Something that has haunted me for ages, and nearly killed me so many times.

After being in the program for about a month I started thinking that I was okay and I could drink again (Go to AA and you hear the jokes about that insane idea). So I did. For two days I drank, and then something hit me.

I don't think I was ready to quit drinking. I wasn't ready to fight my disease. But at that moment I knew I was. I was reliving old trauma. I was excaping things, or so I thought. What I was really doing was letting all those people who harmed me and controled me, keep their grasp on me from a distance.

That evening that I was thinking about all of this, I decided I would check out AA. I was super sick. Detoxing at home so to speak and it was awful. Thank god I was able to get a friend to buy me some liberum for the withdraw.

I found that AA meeting. It really saved my life. I can't do it without the AA Program. I have to work both my programs if I really want to get my life back. I can't tell you all enough how wonderful things are getting. I'm actually feeling so much better. It's so different from my 'dry' time.

Today, by the grace of god and the people in the program, I have 62 days clean/sober. Like I said, I am feeling so much better. I've made so meny friends and great family in the program. I know if I ever needed ANYTHING, all of those in the program would do anything they could to help me.

I just got a sponsor about a week ago and I'm avidly working the first step!

I love when people come up to me and say, 'Girrrrl, you look so much better and you sound great! I remember how sick you were when you first came in and you never spoke a word, throwing up outside the building, but you kept coming back, I am so proud of you'.

I do in a way consider my 'lucky' to have found the program so early in life. Just wish the initiation fee dident have to be so high

Sorry this post is so long. I really kept it shorter then it could have been.

So share your story, someone might just see themselves and get the inspiration they need to start their road to recovery!

Thanks for reading and share on!

[Carolyn Marie]

OMG, Kylani, your post literally made me cry at my cubicle at work.

Congrats on 62 days, hon. That is wonderful.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post. I hope lots of people read it. You ARE an

inspiration for surviving all that you have been through to find an answer. I thank the Goddess that

AA saved you.

By your post, you've already started giving back some of the love that you've been given.

I know your struggle isn't over, but at least you know what path to take and the road ahead is

clear. I wish you well on your journey.

((HUGGSS))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kylani]

Oh my gosh, thank you girrl! That means so much to me

I'm not letting anything get in my way of getting better! I'm like super proud of myself cause the last two meetings I actually shared a couple of times, and I even read the literature every chance I get =]

It always helps so much to have support from those like you Carolyn!

Thanks again girl <3

[Guest DeniseNM]

Kylani congrats on having 62 days that is wonderful. I know how hard it is during that year and especially those first few months. Your story is not only an encouragement but also a blessing to ones like myself who have a few more days of recovery than you (15 years as of last Oct 27). I am so happy for you that you found the help you needed because we can't get through dealing with this disease. Like you I started early with my disease (using food at around 6 or so then alcohol around 13), I was lucky in that the Navy sent me to rehab and I listened at the meetings I went to. Again congrats on getting to where you are and just remember that it is one day at a time, some of the days will be good and some will not but you can make it through each of them.

Denise

[Guest viv]

Hi Kylani,

Its unfortunate but most of us have to end up in the gutter before we "see the light".

Reading your post I can see you did hun. Thank you for sharing you journey to being well

with us , you are a hero ,62 days of sobriety , well done my friend. Your life is going to change

so much now , physical health first ,and then you will start to see things differently as true

sanity returns to your thinking and the way you apply yourself to everyday life . I too was in the

gutter before I got better , my memories of being sick (those I can remember) to this day

help me to stay sober . Fear is only a tiny part of my years of sobriety , happiness is my

main motivator , as long as I am sober I have a chance to reach my goals and this is

where my true serenity lies , my inner peace , I love myself . Keep in touch with your meetings,

it used to be 90 in 90 days, but no matter what hun hold on to those meetings as its there you

will get well, ,,,among your own sober family . I am gonna start to post here to talk to my

sober friends , this makes me feel so good . You take care hun and I would dearly love to

read more of your stuff , till then hun, life is good ,its beautiful, we just have to put a bit more

work into it to find our happiness, luv,viv

[Guest A.S.]

wow. that's good. and Congta.

For me I quited drinking for my old former man and it been since a new year's eve that i haven't touch a drink. I am on the battle now. Keep up the good work!!!!

[Guest Kylani]

Well I'm at 85 day's sober!

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but I figured it would go along with this topic rather then start a new thread for it.

The last 4 days have been awful (today is 5). Awful as I have been having THE worst cravings ever. It's absolutely horrible, I can barely stand being in my own skin, I feel horribly uncomfortable, tmy head is pounding, I'm like super nervous and haven't left the house except for a cigarette and I'm not even doing much of that.

The thing is, this is the EXACT same set of awful cravings that broke me down before. I never made it through 2 days of these cravings. I remember how much I just could not stand it. I'm so amazed I made it 5 days of this without breaking down and drinking.

What I'm doing is drinking plenty of fluids. People say 'stay busy' but I really don't want to do anything but lay in my bed. It's like all my drive to do my usual fun stuff has been killed. I did do some fun things around the house. Ended up cleaning my room like crazy. Trying to stay as busy as possible. Living 1 hour at a time.

I was crying so hard the third day of this.. I was so depressed because I DO NOT want to drink. I can't drink. I don't EVER want to go back to that. Living like that. It was awful. If I drink.. Hehe. Well I'm going to hate it, I'm going to deal with my horrible alcohol withdraw syndrome again which I get really bad. I'm going to feel sick for a month and a half. Start feeling better. Start feeling amazing. Then at three months, here we are. Back to these awful cravings.

I have to just deal with this. I can just sit through this and feel miserable, and wait. See what happens. I wanna know what happens. I just noticed today isn't as bad as it was the last few days. Maybe it get's easier! ---- OR ---- I could go take a drink right now. I would feel better! Oh but only for about an hour at the most. I can't imagine the regret and shame that would follow that. Then the thoughts of having to do all of this over again. Ehh plus the craving would come right back, who knows how bad, just begging for another one, and another one.

I think I'll just feel like crap. Is that self-pity? No. I hate when people say 'Oh I was doing the poor me thing'. You know I think that's just fine. As long as you try and make better of it you know?

Cause right now I feel awful haha! Omg! Like okay wait I do feel good... I didn't drink =]

I made myself a promise. If I just make it through today, I might have as easier day with the cravings tomorrow.

I hope this helps someone. It made me feel a little better to share that with all of you. Reading through it... It's like I should feel silly for even wanting to drink. That's why cravings suck so much. You know you absolutely don't want to do it, but that Gosh darned phenomenon just hammers at you. Yeah no one could know how awful this is unless they were dealing with addiction or an eating disorder or something.

I know I can do this.

I'm going to stick it out and see if it gets any better =] I know it will, I just don't know when. I don't really care. I'm just going to get through today with a smile on my face.

[Guest Robin/bobbi]

Congrats, Hon!!

I started drinking at Nine too. I finally got sober some years later and was able to transition.

It was hard the first year of sobriety but i had a sponsor and a group to hold my hand when it started to hurt. Restless irritable and discontented. giggles i didn't know what to do with myself. So i became the driver for a treatment center.

My Sponsor told me if i kept drunks in my car i could not get drunk. that got me through my 7 month, 9 month, and 11 month.

I remember the cravings and the feelings of dis-ease. It started in my neck and would go into my shoulder that tightness always signal when the craving were coming. blah blah blah i could go on but, i have a substance abuse meeting to do in like 40 mins, http://www.lauras-playground.com/chat.htm, why dont you come by one Sunday night 9 pm est so we can chat.

www.AA.org

[Guest Kylani]

Well I'm at 85 day's sober!

^Jan 31 2010, 04:25 PM

Did I get the days right? I'm awful with numbers.. My brain has been so just not here after that hospital detox. When I had two months I thought it was 3, when I had 3 months I announced a sober birthday as 30 days sober and didn't even realize it

My sobriety date is... Ugh. Okayyy I can do this..

I will officially have 4 months clean and sober on the 5th of March.

Is my sobriety date September 5 then? I know February only has like 28 days. Some months have 31, others have 30 ect

Okay this is not fair, is this like a test? That's too much for an alcoholic I swear.. lol

[Guest viv]

Kylani,,,hun, just read your stuff and I am super proud of you girl.

Your second last post was telling me you had a battle on your hands

but ,,,still sober?? Oh yes !!!!. Hun ,,,this will get easier , if your

road to sobriety is similar to mine then over the next few months

you will know you are strong enough . Imagine that hun ?? never

having to guess what last night was like /did I trouble someone ??

thats all gone . I am past 13 years sober , thank you higher power.

You will reach that stage in your life too Kylani , sobriety=happiness.

Sunny days Hun,,sunny days ,,luv,viv