Feeling Guilty

[Guest Justme]

Hi all. I have alot of stuff going on with my family and also with friends. And i know there are ways I could be of help. but because of my transitioning, I can't be of help. Because i would be dealing with people that have no acceptance and want nothing to do with me. And it is leaving me feeling very guilty and very selfish. If not for my transitioning, I could help these people. And i wondering if anyone else has gone through this. It really hurts knowing I could be of help, but to do so means alot of hardship for myself. How do I draw the line between self-protection and helping others?

[Sally]

I am going to say something here that will sound very cold and heartless so read on at your own risk.

Dear Justme,

If they are non accepting and want nothing to do with you they will not want or possible not even accept your help.

You cannot let them continue to pile guilt on you, they are making you feel guilty about transitioning and not helping them when they have no intentions of ever helping you - don't let them.

Take control of your life and do not accept anymore guilt from them, they feel no guilt for abandoning you when you needed them don't spend another minute feeling guilty about how you treat them.

OK, I am through now.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sarah f]

Sometimes being selfish is the only way to handle things. If you are going to be unhappy and put in a situation where you are not comfortable than you have every right to stay away. Remember that you are the only one that matters in your transition. If people don't like it or understand it than that is their loss because you could be helping them otherwise.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Pól]

I completely hear you, and I have been there, in spades. I'm not comfortable posting about it in the open forum, but if you want to talk about this more privately, we can talk through PM. It's really difficult to know that you're doing something for yourself when it feels like there are people who need you

When I was feeling this way, a friend who I was talking to told me this:

It's a lot easier to help other people if you've already helped yourself. It's sort of like a 'putting time in now to save time later' thing. You can't help other people if you're not there or you're mentally distracted by things you need to do for yourself. You'll be in a much better position to help them over time if you take care of yourself, too.

Thinking about it that way helped me a lot, but talking probably helped too. I'm here for you if you'd like to talk.

[Guest Amanda joan]

Mr. Justme,

I know what you are going through. I know my family is in need of help but, they have asked me to stay away from time to time. When someone puts up a wall it is hard to help them when you can not find away around the wall. The guilt is something that I believe comes from the first step you take into transition. I feel guilty that in transioning my intentions are causing people I love to be unhappy and anxious. I can do little to change how they feel other then deny myself the transition that I feel is my only road to happiness for me. There is no point in lieing to your family about what you want once they know that you are transgendered.

Po'l, Has a good point we need to not let others reject us and then make us feel guilty about the results of their rejection.

You sound like a good person and you deserve to have happiness in your live. Let them know that if they choose to welcome you that you will be happy to help them when they have a need you can be helpful in filling.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Carolyn Marie]

You've received some excellent advice, Justme. All of us with family responsibilities have been through the guilt thing.

There comes a time, though, when you have to say to yourself, I know I'm going to feel guilty, but I'm going to do what is best for me regardless, as

a matter of self preservation. When transition feels like the only road to happiness and fulfillment, then you can't let feelings of guilt derail that

journey. You would not be true to yourself if you let those feelings persuade you from doing what is best for you.

Is there an element of selfishness in that attitude? Perhaps so. There aren't many of us who can afford to be totally, one hundred percent altruistic.

It is our nature to look after ourselves first. Remember, if you are miserable, depressed or even dead from suicide, how can you be of help to

others then? When you are the person you were meant to be, you will be in a better place mentally, physically and spiritually, and you will be

ready and willing to help all of those who need it.

Carolyn

[Guest Justme]

Thanks everyone for your replys. It really hurts knowing that people are dealing with life and death and that still. because of my transitioning. won't allow my help or accept my love. How can someone dealing with death,still be so hard hearted? I would give my life for her. But she wants nothing to do with me. And that's my sister. I keep praying that God will heal her. I have even prayed that God would take me instead. She has alot more to offer than I do. And I know that if she dies, my Mom will not last. My Mom has even told me that. And how can i help? When you don't even w ant me there?

[Guest Fwip]

Justme - I know it's hard when you feel like you can't help the people that you care about, but the last thing you should feel is guilty. You can help them perfectly well whether or not you're transitioning - the only thing stopping you is their stubbornness.

Hopefully, they'll come to realize that your love for them is more important to them than your gender. Until then, stay strong!

~Fwippy

[Guest viv]

Hello Hun,

I read your post twice just so as to be sure re what I want to say cos,

a phrase springs to mind ""emotional ransom"" , as in are you being taken

advantage of here?? . Lets say there"s 6 people who could do with a little help to

get themselves out of a predicament and 2 dont like or accept you for who

you are ,,((all family or there abouts/kit and kin)) ,well ,it seems to me that

the door is being left ajar for you to get involved. The "other 4" should ensure

you dont get involved at all...on any level , I mean your going into hostile

territory and you being family will ensure you are hurt no matter what you do.

Well hun , this behaviour or similar is widespread and my advice (at last) is ,

let them sort out their own problems , you have enough on your plate,luv,viv

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I think feeling "selfish" is a fairly common thing with trans people. I go through phases continously where I pass from being happy and proud of myself to feeling like I've commited some terrible crime against my family and friends by "taking something away" from them - be it their "son" or the friend they thought they knew. No one really places that burden on me, and I've had no significant rejection, so its mostly my own issue.

Thing is, if you are trans and you are dysphoric, its not healthy to ignore your condition any more than it would be if you had any other serious medical problem.

I think we get brain-washed, kind of, into the notion that we are making a "lifestyle" decision when we transition, and that its something we don't really have to do. Even those of us who really do know better still sometimes have the emotional back-lash that comes from that kind of thinking on some level. We could just put transition off, or maybe even manage without it altogether "for the sake of others." But if you had some kind of cancer or something equally tangible and dangerous that everyone could easily understand, no one would ask that of you, and no one should expect it of you when you are transgendered either. The fact that cisgendered people cannot concieve of this particular variety of suffering doesn't diminish it in any way or make getting the proper treatment for it any less important.

So, the guilt...?

These people are missing out on getting help and on recieving it from someone who clearly cares about them and is generous enough to consider foregoing their own health and well-being in order to extend it. If they will not accept that kind of help, given by that kind of person, under those kinds of conditions, then they are truly to be pitied.

Take care of yourself first, the people who love you next, and the people who merely "need" you last. That's just my feeling at the moment, honestly.

And I've got the guilt going right now too, but I still feel this way.

[Guest julia_d]

There is something you will learn as you get older.. and it's "never offer help to anybody who doesn't ask.. and those that do if they want conditions give them a rejection gesture.