Before You Transition

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Take a moment if you will to read my banter:

You could say I've been doing some soul searching these past few months. A lot has been going on in my life, most of it negative. But I'm not writing this because of any of that. In fact, I'm not even sure what I'm writing about, so I'll just let the words come on their own and maybe by the end I'll have something meaningful. I've been told over and over that I need to think hard about transitioning because it's a permanent process. Yet, the funny thing is, despite so many people telling me this, every single one of them is willing to hand over the "keys," so to speak, and let me transition without much consideration. So I wonder to myself, "How many people are there transitioning who haven't really thought about it as much as they think they have?"

Despite the preconceived notion that my mother has, I always take things very seriously. For so long I've told myself, "I really NEED to transition," but I didn't really know why. I had reasons, sure. I need to feel like myself. I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to be socially accepted the way I feel is appropriate. A lot of us have the same reasons most of the time, to tell the truth. But those reasons alone just don't feel right. My gender therapist told me early on that she's seen many people come through her door wanting to transition, all of which expressing similar reasons but with vastly different motivations. One person, for instance, a potential MtF, really just needed the breasts. NEEDED the breasts. Others have expressed that transitioning would finally allow them to wear the clothes they want to wear, have the friends they want to have, and partake in the hobbies they want to do. I can relate to some of this, because I know those thoughts have run across my head. "I need the breasts, the clothes, the friends, the acceptance, etc." But still, that just doesn't feel right.

I absolutely can't let myself transition if my only reasoning is the physical things in life. I don't know what the future holds for me, but at any moment I could have a stroke and be half-paralyzed for the rest of my life. Or I could suffer from diabetes and lose my sight. Or could I be in a house fire and receive third degree burns all over my body. When those things happen, are the breasts, and the clothes, and jewelry, and the makeup, and God-knows-what-else even going to matter? And don't think it can't happen to you. I personally know a person for every scenario I just described, and events such as those are really sobering experiences. When you lose the beauty, or the sight, or the ability to move, will you still love yourself? And so I ask myself, why do I need to transition? The answer is, I don't, because I'm already a woman.

Having breasts doesn't make me any more female then a woman who had a double-mastectomy because of breast cancer make her male. If this were the 17th century, I wouldn't be able to transition. Does that mean I should just die? No, it doesn't, nor does it make me male or a man. Who I am isn't changed because of a scalpel or a magic drug. I've been fooling myself thinking that anything is really going to be fundamentally different because of these modern conveniences. If I'm not happy with myself now, it's unreasonable to assume that I'm suddenly going to love myself after surgery. So when I convince my gender therapist that I'm ready to transition, it's not going to be because I need anything. She can't give me who I am or who I should be, only I can do that. I hope that I can come to love and forgive myself, as well as the others who have wronged me in my life. My transitioning is just the icing on the cake, not an end to my troubles.

So please, before deciding you NEED to transition, please make sure you've looked at every angle. Really sift the question through your mind, feel it out in your body. I'm not some old fogey, so I don't have 40 or 50 years of experience under my belt nor can I give you that wiser-than-thou soap box rant. What I can tell you is that there is more to the question of "Should I transition?" than meets the eye.

.Anna

[Guest Elizabeth K]

PLEASE READ THIS TOPIC!

Anna nails it! Everyone has their own idea of what they are - and why they need to look at: how to be happy.

BUT when she said : The answer is, I don't (need to transition), because I'm already a woman.

Therein lives 99% of the truth!

My feelings exactly! It has always been there! The need to be myself. To express myself as I am. 'Transition' is a body sculpture - not a change of your true core self.

My opinion anyway.

Lizzy

[Guest Molko]

I agree with what has been said here so, so much. It's absolutely imperative that anyone intending to transition understands the reasons why. I remember seeing on the morning news a very similar message. I man who transitioned to a women, three years later, and married to a wonderful man - decided it was all wrong and he was really just a gay man.

The message he was trying to get across is just the same, he was 'handed the keys' to his transition, he had dysphoria about his gender for sure, but there was obviously something else wrong, and he just got caught up in the emotions of it all - assuming the answer was he that he was a woman. It's rather confusing just to think about, so imagine how he felt! He was a stunning woman too, but after those three years (and thousands of dollars later) he transition BACK to being a man. A man who was now without his 'member' but a man non-the-less. Because that's how he FINALLY decided he wanted to present himself to others.

It was heartbreaking to hear his story, and you could see him holding back the tears, the years of mental torture he had put himself through - just because he moved to fast, he thought he had the answer.

Well its late here, 40 Celsius and I'm really tired, so I'll leave it there. Thanks again for a wonderful post Anna.

Molko xo

[Guest sarah f]

Anna, what a great post to think about. It is definately a post worth reading if you plan on transitioning. I agree 100% that you need to look at every angle before you make a life changing procedure. I know surgery is not going to make me a woman but what I am already makes me a woman. I just could never put it out there like you did.

Thank you for the post because it makes me think even more about transitioning than I already did.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Robin Winter]

I agree it doesn't change who we are inside, but nobody can really deny that in the end it's healthier for some to transition. It isn't necessarily the body we have that makes it so important for us to change it(though for some it is equally important internally), as it is the social stigma attached to being who we are in the wrong body. For many, probably a large majority, how we are viewed by our peers has a powerful effect on our mental and emotional well being, which is very likely why the suicide rate among trans people is so high, more so than our own feelings about our body. The only real truth is that only we ourselves know what we need, and it's not going to be the same from person to person.

That being said, I personally have a strong aversion to my body as it is, and I'm quite positive I couldn't be happy until it's fixed, regardless of how I'm viewed by others. This body just *feels wrong*, awkward. It's kind of like the displaced feeling you have when you're dreaming, you know how you should work and feel, but nothing is as it should be, and you feel drugged, empty, insensate, you can't quite grasp your emotions, but you know they're there. I don't know, maybe that's just my experience of it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Excellent post, Anna!

With a super reply from Lizzy!

My thoughts as it pertains to me:

I came near transitioning many times over the years...

But, I'd look in the mirror and say "You'll never look like a woman!" And I would slide back into denial....

BUT!

This last time it was so very strong and I said "I have to transition no matter how I look, I'm a woman...."

This time my thinking was correct....it's not the superficial things...breasts, clothes, etc....

It's that you are who you are inside...dang the other things!

Finally my reasoning was true....I'm transitioning for the right reason....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Robin Winter]

I think that "the right reasons" are also individual in nature. They aren't necessarily the same for everyone. The story of that man is tragic, yes, but it's also one of very few. I believe the last estimation I saw was something in the line of 2% of those who transitioned that have not been happier for it. So 98% are apparently doing it for the right reason, even if it's not the same reason as everyone else

[Sally]

To transition or not to transition, that is the question, whether is nobler in the mind of man to suffer the slings and arrows our society so politely provides us for being so different or to suffer in silence but within the 'norms' set out for us, should we be that oddity of one gender acting as the other or the even more abhorrent changeling trying so hard to fit into a society which has no place for us.

Sorry, Will - I borrowed just a bit but it makes it more dramatic - the decision to transition or not is one that should not be taken lightly and it is a very personal decision to not transition because someone else will be more comfortable is a disservice to yourself but to transition because 'everybody else is' as a matter of fact if that is your reason please don't - get up from your computer run away from transsexual support groups and find an easier path to follow - this journey is difficult for those of us who must travel it and impossible for those who should not be on it.

I wrote a topic several months ago just before I received my prescriptions for HRT it has been pinned at the top of this Forum, "A Little Straight Talk"

I hope that helps, it is something that you have to figure out for yourself with the aid of your gender therapist but they cannot help if you withhold information from them.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Excellent monologue Anna you have summed up nicely the reasons for your transition and some of the basics for the transition of others. Anyone considering transition should use this tool called the Internet to do all the research they can into the causes and potential treatments. If you can show that you have done your homework you are more likely to get a positive response from your therapist and more likely that you preHRT time will be as short as possible.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Excellent monologue Anna you have summed up nicely the reasons for your transition and some of the basics for the transition of others. Anyone considering transition should use this tool called the Internet to do all the research they can into the causes and potential treatments. If you can show that you have done your homework you are more likely to get a positive response from your therapist and more likely that you preHRT time will be as short as possible.

That's absolutely true, Joanna, good point. My therapist always looks amazed at how much I know that he didn't have to tell me, and he officially "diagnosed" me after only a few visits. The only thing holding me back is my employment situation, as things stand, or rather my fears regarding it.

[Carolyn Marie]

In my situation, having a wife and teenage son, I had a lot of soul searching to go through before finally

deciding what to do. I think those of us who share my issues would agree that it makes the whole "transition

or not to" argument that much more difficult and fraught with guilt and denial and anxiety. When others lives

and futures are tied to your decision, it makes it terribly important to get it right.

Over the weeks I struggled with the decisioin, I kept apologizing to my G.T. for being "wishy washy" and

unable to make up my mind. She kept assuring me that it was natural and completely understandable

to wrestle with it, given all the implications.

I finally decided that not only was I a woman, in every way except the physical manifestation of my body,

but that the only way I could ever be happy, could ever be at peace with myself, could ever be fulfilled as

a person, would be to transition. I knew I could lose my family, but in the end I felt it was worth the risk.

Not to transition would leave me an unhappy shell of a person for the rest of my life. I wasn';t willing to do that.

Thanks for the topic, Anna. It does make one ponder.

Carolyn Marie

[Paula ult]

Anna, very well said,

A while back i posted a topic wondering why after being on hormones for many months i did not feel any different inside, i was looking for fireworks, bells or whistles or something, then i realized i was always female in mind and there was nothing much there to change and transition was just going to make the outside match the inside.

I hear and read all the time those considering transition say well if i can not be pretty, pass or have large breasts i will not transition, to me that is the wrong reason to transition, even if i did not pass at least i would be comfortable in my own skin, i did not transition to have breasts, wear woman's clothes be a beauty queen or have transition fix all the other issues in my life, i transitioned to be me.

Paula

[Guest Robin Winter]

In my situation, having a wife and teenage son, I had a lot of soul searching to go through before finally

deciding what to do. I think those of us who share my issues would agree that it makes the whole "transition

or not to" argument that much more difficult and fraught with guilt and denial and anxiety. When others lives

and futures are tied to your decision, it makes it terribly important to get it right.

Over the weeks I struggled with the decisioin, I kept apologizing to my G.T. for being "wishy washy" and

unable to make up my mind. She kept assuring me that it was natural and completely understandable

to wrestle with it, given all the implications.

I finally decided that not only was I a woman, in every way except the physical manifestation of my body,

but that the only way I could ever be happy, could ever be at peace with myself, could ever be fulfilled as

a person, would be to transition. I knew I could lose my family, but in the end I felt it was worth the risk.

Not to transition would leave me an unhappy shell of a person for the rest of my life. I wasn';t willing to do that.

Thanks for the topic, Anna. It does make one ponder.

Carolyn Marie

That's almost identical to my situation in the months leading from my initial acceptance of it to my first Therapy session.

Anna, very well said,

A while back i posted a topic wondering why after being on hormones for many months i did not feel any different inside, i was looking for fireworks, bells or whistles or something, then i realized i was always female in mind and there was nothing much there to change and transition was just going to make the outside match the inside.

I hear and read all the time those considering transition say well if i can not be pretty, pass or have large breasts i will not transition, to me that is the wrong reason to transition, even if i did not pass at least i would be comfortable in my own skin, i did not transition to have breasts, wear woman's clothes be a beauty queen or have transition fix all the other issues in my life, i transitioned to be me.

Paula

I think if you DO feel especially different inside after taking hormones, you should probably pause and consider. I remember reading about a year or more ago a personal account of the transition of one man (I say man because he admitted it was a bad choice), and said that he should have realized it was wrong because of the changes he felt on hormones.

[Guest julia_d]

So why do you yanks go through years of "therapy" then? .. you could achieve 100% what you want by looking in the mirror with no mental shift in attitudes at all. *sigh* A bloke in a frock.. and believe you me I come across lots of those even post srs.

Sorry girls.. theres more to it that having a bit of cosmetic surgery and wearing different clothes. There is a whole new position and role in society to get used to. As you all get further in you will see that as the "male privilege" goes away and you are accepted your status has certainly changed.

Transition is just that.. It's NOT physical as much as mental. It's dropping the person you made yourself be and relearning how to be who you should be. If it was as simple as "being who you are" ten one morning you could just wake yp and say"today I transition.. I'm the real me" and have all the mannerisms and body language you want to associate with the new gender role... But that don't happen does it? It take years and years of work on dropping the learned behaviour before you can stand 2 foot away from some roughneck homophobe in a bar and NOT have him guess you are anything but who you are.

Why do we transition.. it's because we have to. No if's and no but's.. I am glad I did because I would be dead now if I hadn't. YMMV but fakes don't last 20 years with a different name and 10 years on hrt.. with no light at the end of the tunnel.

As for the 2% who have regrets.. that's a lot less than getting married or having breast implants.. though I think a lot of times these few wouldn't be happy whatever was provided because they were not happy to start with.. Also there is (in the UK) a very much "take this or get nothing" attitude which FORCES people down pathways they wouldn't choose for themselves or really believe in. I can give my own example.. I'm now being forced .. yes FORCED to take a 400 mole round journey to a gender clinic I see as no more than charlatans and people who defraud and steal public service funding.. who will NOT allow me a choice of surgeon.. and who employ surgeons I wouldn't let operate on my dog!! But if I say "no.. I don't want to go there I want to go to xxxx which is another health service paid clinic" then that's that.. kicked off the program without any right of appeal or complaint.. so how do you girls take that?.. 2% .. and they are the ones brave enough to stand up and say so.. I would put the figures (over here) more like 70% are not satisfied with what they get.. but don't dare speak out because it will be used by those against us as "told you we were wasting our money on these nut cases"

So transition if you will.. but understand what you who are just starting out know or think it is about is nothing at all like the reality of the matter. I remember 20 years ago what I thought it was going to be like.. and it's nothing like I imagined it ever would be when I started out down the road.

No doubt those who do fully transition will eventually look back on the first few years and think "what an idiot I was.. here isn't where I thought it was going to be" .. but that's normal. Why? .. because full transition is normality.. boring day to day dragging crushing normality. Remember.. being "in transition" is a special strange place.. slightly divorced from reality where we live in a half and half world.. where it feels good to show people your "special new" id and all that junk.. and using your "new" name and hoping people don't say anything. After a while it gets usual and normal and that wears off.. There is a buzz associated with early in the process.. that wears off and when it's completely gone and you can sit and say "wow.. I'm pigged off about xxxxx" any day and "transition" doesn't come int your head at all in relation to it.. that's when you are there. I made a formal complaint this last year under the sex discrimination act.. because I was discriminated against by a man as a woman... or at least his discrimination was based on whatever conceptions he had of me as a woman.. and led him to take illegal discriminatory steps against me. oops.. I have teeth and I'm not scared to report people like that.. as any woman should. Would you girls do that yet?.. nah.. you would blend away meek and mild with your tail between your legs.. because you still think like trans... all vulnerable and scared of being outed and abused.

Half the secret is standing tall and making eye contact. Look at me.. I'm a tall proud emotionally strong person (who happens to have ID and presentation that says Female and is read as such without question most everywhere) who isn't afraid to disagree or pull somebody up.. not at all. So my advice to those of you just starting out (and don't come giving me "I have been a woman all my life but only did something about it last year" nonsense.. that don't wash.. until the day you said "enough.. transition" you were in fact, pretending or not.. managing quite happily in the opposite role.. y'know.. that thing you are trying to unlearn?.. the thing people read you as?.. the thing you hide under clothes and makeup? uhhh??) Is to go with the flow.. take the steps you feel you must.. don't listen too closely to shrinks and "therapists".. use them to achieve your goals, don't let them use you to achieve theirs.. Just think "I am me" .. NOT (as I see every day on this site) "I am me the xxxxxxx"

and everything else just slots into place.

Just to pick up on a HUGE misconception of what transitioning is and means...

If this were the 17th century, I wouldn't be able to transition.

I guarantee you sister people DID transition back then as well.. History is littered with people who successfully transitioned before medicine could do anything for them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Barry_(surgeon) .. indeed.. photos from the 1800's on are littered with odd family pictures.. pictures where the gender dress roles seem reversed.. or we have 2 men or 2 women hand in hand (as was the custom of the times to show a marriage in pictures) with 3 or 4 or 5 children. Now that certainly wasn't socially acceptable, so just what were those people thinking when they had them taken? .. were they a joke.. some private giggle at the inlaws.. or are they telling us something different? Often we don't even have names to put to the faces. Sometimes we do.. My school photo is one of those "oddities" .. is that front left male or female? .. it's wearing the female version of the uniform... must be a ????? And i have lived probably 75% of my life since that picture in my chosen gender.. Sorry to tear the "only medical help can allow me to transition" misconception apart.. because it is a misconception. It is a construct of the psychiatric and medical professions to set themselves up as gatekeepers yet again. If I had actually been registered with a female name and Miss on my school records on my 16th birthday there would have been no need for me to change my gender markers later, but I was working and paying tax already so it was too late... The state would have assigned female and that would have been that.. So medical intervention is not necessary to live fully transitioned in a chosen gender.. Those that say it is are liars and yet more people trying to set themselves up with some kind of position of control which they are not entitled to have. In the UK under existing laws there is NO specific legal requirement to use Mr Miss Ms or Mrs .. whatever you want.. it's open.. only things you can't use are "earned" titles.. Sir.. Dame.. Prince (unless it's your name) Doctor.. things like that.. The same convention is in place for using "gendered" facilities.. Whichever one you feel comfortable using. Using the "appropriate" one is only a matter of social convention.. there is no law stating you must use one or the other, and as long as you do just that.. use them for the purposes everybody else does.. you have done nothing wrong in any way. Strange but true. I learned that on my publicans course. As a redneck found out here when conditions were imposed on his alcohol licence.. You can't discriminate against anybody on the grounds of your "perception" they may or may not be whatever sex.. In his case he was wrong.. and was busted under a 1976 cis law. What I may or may not have in my pants was discussed by the licensing authority and deemed irrelevant to the proceedings.. my ID says Female.. that's all they needed to see. So lets have no more of this "only hormones and srs and facial surgery.. and all the rest of that junk.. allow me to transition" .. because they don't.. I transitioned 10 years before any state funded treatments were available, and it didn't stop me doing it. They are treatments of the symptoms.. superficial tidying up to make the body more in line with how you perceive you should be.. no more.. not the "be all and end all" You an have huge amounts of hormones and implants and bits cut off and rebuilt and anything you want.. and STILL not make it.. the 2% that were mentined before.. The true measure of transitioning is "are you happy" .. and with a few reservations and with still some physical wishes unfulfilled.. if you can answer "yes" without having to think too hard.. then that's that.. For example.. I have put any possibility of surgery in the next 2 or so years on hold.. I want to get married and moved.. that is my priority, and my future husbands priority.. not a lump of something hidden away down there somewhere. We both want rid of it, but for us waiting another 3 or 4 years to be together (and a surgical disaster from a butcher) is not an option any more.. So being the dutiful wife, (does that sound good girls or what?) I put my plans back a little while for the greater good... I would rather keep my "boy bits" that have some butcher I'm not even given a say in except "no" make a mess of me, and I want and need to be with my husband.. The cure is inside you. all the pills and taking and cutting can't change any of that. Stop listening to those medical people who will insist it is .. because they have a vested interest in making people believe that.. it's called "their income" .. you have been warned!!

Transitioning isn't some magic wand that comes along and changes your whole life around.. srs and pills and cosmetic surgery and all the therapy and talking in the world are only superficial only. Who you want to be is who you aim for.. and you don't actually need the permission or help of any other living soul in this world to be whatever you want..

[Paula ult]

Anna, very well said,

A while back i posted a topic wondering why after being on hormones for many months i did not feel any different inside, i was looking for fireworks, bells or whistles or something, then i realized i was always female in mind and there was nothing much there to change and transition was just going to make the outside match the inside.

I hear and read all the time those considering transition say well if i can not be pretty, pass or have large breasts i will not transition, to me that is the wrong reason to transition, even if i did not pass at least i would be comfortable in my own skin, i did not transition to have breasts, wear woman's clothes be a beauty queen or have transition fix all the other issues in my life, i transitioned to be me.

My therapist is amazed, i have been a step or two ahead of him all through my transition, and my knowledge on the subject simply amazes him and makes his job easier.

Paula

[Guest DeniseNM]

Anna great topic and I agree so much with what has been said, you hit it on the head so well. To me if the reason and motivation for the transition is purely for the physical reasons then you won't ever be happy and satisfied for long (be careful what you wish for). It is like when I was younger and tried to stop drinking and compulsively eating (I am a recovering alcoholic and have an eating disorder) for other people or my job (which was the military) or other reasons, I always started drinking and overeating again. When I went into recovery for myself (and only myself) I got into and have stayed in recovery since.

To me my transition is about me and what is inside me and how I see myself. I am a woman even though my body tells other people the opposite. All of that is my opinion though.

Denise

[Guest viv]

Anna,

Brilliant thought provoking post. Got to say,, Shilo"s first response answered same so well.

Like to frame both and hang em on the wall. viv

[Guest Robin Winter]

LOL, that was brilliant Julia. Bravo. I could almost watch you giving that speech out loud in my head

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Indeed Anna,

Transitioning is far deeper than just the physical. I am glad that you see that

Great topic!!!

Good work

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest julia_d]

hehehe.. yeah.. sometimes my public speaking/lecturing side comes out. Guess that's the penalty for being a public speaker and qualified (sort of) adult trainer and presentation skills trainer.

But it's right.. I have been kind of asked to give a series of talks on what it means to be transgendered so I'm picking it over in rather fine detail while talking to my friends and associates and gathering their thoughts and experiences. Drawing from mtf,ftm,pre,post,no,cd and the full spectrum the one thing comes from all the people further down the road to full transition, or there already.... Just because somebody else thinks you are whatever doesn't mean you are, or that you are not.. or whatever really.. It's only the opinion of somebody else.. Follow others opinions carefully if at all.. because another thing that comes (and yes.. I do know 1 girl who has regrets) is.. What they think may NOT be right.. There should be opportunity to take a timeout without any penalty.. In the UK it's all or nothing from day 1 to completion.. the persons well being isn't considered for one moment.. so people jump through the hoops and tell the gatekeepers what they want to hear and are abused from pillar to post. To speak out results in being kicked off the program.. and another 3 or 4 years wait to get back in.. and to complain after their "all correct and to the book" butchery and abuse.. is a no no.. there are people in government just waiting for people to speak out about illegal denial or rights and illegal forcing down pathways by giving NO options.. not to mention illegal theft of public money by duplication of existing diagnosis and treatments and refusal to accept any diagnosis but their own from anywhere.. right to the point of refusing to book STATE employed surgeons for STATE paid srs because THEY haven't referred the patient for it... disgraceful, totally disgraceful.. charlatans and thieves all.. otherwise they wouldn't be so frightened of letting go some of the monopoly they have created for themselves..

I'm a campaigner and I hear that every week.. everybody I know who sees these charlatans says they are pressured into agreeing to do WHAT THE DOCTOR WANTS .. and not what the patient wants.. on a "this is what you get..take it or leave it" basis.. How is that anything but abuse?

That's the point I'm trying to make.. these quacks know next to nothing.. I think "gender specialist" is an easy way to make a heap of money for some quack charlatan who isn't good enough to be a proper psychiatrist.. you have been warned

PPW.. degree in psychology.. leeds mu 1987.

[Guest Miss Aeryn]

Julia, bravo indeed. Nice return to reality.

Aeryn

[Guest ChalenAustin]

Thank you for writing this and so beautifully put, too.

This should be posted in all the main forums for all to see.

I hand you the metaphorical diploma of transsexuality to our very own validictorian.

Bravo Girl!

[Guest Robin Winter]

hehehe.. yeah.. sometimes my public speaking/lecturing side comes out. Guess that's the penalty for being a public speaker and qualified (sort of) adult trainer and presentation skills trainer.

But it's right.. I have been kind of asked to give a series of talks on what it means to be transgendered so I'm picking it over in rather fine detail while talking to my friends and associates and gathering their thoughts and experiences. Drawing from mtf,ftm,pre,post,no,cd and the full spectrum the one thing comes from all the people further down the road to full transition, or there already.... Just because somebody else thinks you are whatever doesn't mean you are, or that you are not.. or whatever really.. It's only the opinion of somebody else.. Follow others opinions carefully if at all.. because another thing that comes (and yes.. I do know 1 girl who has regrets) is.. What they think may NOT be right.. There should be opportunity to take a timeout without any penalty.. In the UK it's all or nothing from day 1 to completion.. the persons well being isn't considered for one moment.. so people jump through the hoops and tell the gatekeepers what they want to hear and are abused from pillar to post. To speak out results in being kicked off the program.. and another 3 or 4 years wait to get back in.. and to complain after their "all correct and to the book" butchery and abuse.. is a no no.. there are people in government just waiting for people to speak out about illegal denial or rights and illegal forcing down pathways by giving NO options.. not to mention illegal theft of public money by duplication of existing diagnosis and treatments and refusal to accept any diagnosis but their own from anywhere.. right to the point of refusing to book STATE employed surgeons for STATE paid srs because THEY haven't referred the patient for it... disgraceful, totally disgraceful.. charlatans and thieves all.. otherwise they wouldn't be so frightened of letting go some of the monopoly they have created for themselves..

I'm a campaigner and I hear that every week.. everybody I know who sees these charlatans says they are pressured into agreeing to do WHAT THE DOCTOR WANTS .. and not what the patient wants.. on a "this is what you get..take it or leave it" basis.. How is that anything but abuse?

That's the point I'm trying to make.. these quacks know next to nothing.. I think "gender specialist" is an easy way to make a heap of money for some quack charlatan who isn't good enough to be a proper psychiatrist.. you have been warned

PPW.. degree in psychology.. leeds mu 1987.

I think for the most part you're probably right. But there are those who do take it seriously, and those who are trying to learn. This is why I've said in another thread that I believe the therapy is necessary, I don't think most people see the whole picture. I'm not saying I think most people shouldn't transition, I just think too many get the go-ahead before they're properly prepared for it. That's one of the things I really appreciate about my therapist, he covers EVERYTHING, not just the feelings part of it. I think he focuses on planning and readiness more than any other part of the therapy. He's also a major player in GLBT advocacy in this province, and has plenty contact with the trans community at all levels of transition. He's also involved with WPATH. I think that's the real issue, not enough GT's are immersed in what they do, with the purpose of providing proper care for those that look to them.

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

There's a difference between transition and SRS of course, I'm transitioning now, and I'm pretty certain I need this, the status quo certainly wasn't acceptable, I killed myself last year, and in some ways I'm still recovering from that and the ensuing aftermath. I'm very certain I need the hormones, and I know that I need to live fulltime as the girl I know I am. SRS? I pretty sure i'll get there, Thinking about it now, I know I want it, I know it will make me feel more confortable, and there are many reasons for that but most of all it's just about matching how I know I should be. But I've promised myself that I will stop at each stage and evaluate how I feel and if I need to go further, so I can't say for certain that it's in my future.

I think the most important thing here, and it's hard from many people, is that you mustn't make transition or the completion of you transition, your goal. This can be hard, when you feel so dysphoric and self loathing that you can think of nothing else but just wanting to get "fixed", but if it's your goal then when you reach it, you're gonna discover you now have a life to live in your new gender, and it's going to seem very hollow.

transition is a benchmark, a signpost, it's the beginning of our true lives, not the end. Your goal has to be something more long term, something fulfilling, a husband, wife, kids, home, career, making a difference in your community, it's about leading the life that you've always wanted, and that's going to include being the correct gender, but that's not all of it.

Of course not everyone knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives, (and some of you already have partners, carreers and feel fulfilled in every other aspect of your life) some can spend it all trying to find their direction, and that's fine, just provided you don't delude yourself into thinking that SRS will suddenly make everything perfect. It's not like the end of a movie, unless you're going to transition and then take your fancy new gentials and throw them along with the rest of you in front of a train, then you still have to get up on monday morning and live the rest of your life.

[Guest Kieri]

Thank you for this post. It's always good to take a step back and reflect every once in a while. I thought about everything in my life that has lead to where I am, and I'm still sure this is the direction I need to go. I sincerely hope everyone that transitions puts at least as much thought as they should into what they're doing.

Just looking back into my own life... in high school I was depressed and had only 3-4 good friends. In college I was almost suicidal. I had been doing research for years, so I eventually decided I really had nothing to lose and acquired 3 months worth of hormones. I had to know if I had something to live for. Those 3 months gave me a whole new lease on life. I didn't really feel different, but it still felt right nonetheless. I was actually happy for once in my life. That memory is probably the only thing that's kept me from severe depression these last 4-5 years and has given me direction. And that is why I know I need to transition.

I am going to second Sam's advice on having life goals other than transition. I have read the story time and time again - some people just don't know what to do afterward. Such thoughts should be at the forefront of your mind and not the background. Take some time to seriously think about what you want to do with your life. Make a list of things you've always wanted to do but never did. (God only knows mine is a mile long :\) The worst tragedy of all is to finally become who you are, only to realize you don't even know who that is.

(P.S. Shilo that bunny is so adorable )