Is Emotionaly Stressed And Cant Sleep

[Guest Jenifer Turner]

Sorry beforehand I will probably not make any sense at all. I just need some feedback on this. I really dont have anybody to talk to right now and im feeling really uneasy.

I spent the Christmas away from my parents, out of state. I have now comeback and this is just days after i just signed up on L.Playground. I felt like that was a step in the right direction. to a new me.

I cant sleep, im nervous, i may also be hallucinating, but my main problem, is my dad.

My brother was recently released out of detox. My dad is stressed, along with all of us, but he as been trying to... i dont know how to describe it...

be my buddy and try to push his ideas onto me of manliness. I dont know why im making such a big deal of it, but its like im being torn inside about it. Its one of the reasons i have an apartment closer to campus. To not be under his influence.

I just feel uncomfortable in my own house. I dont want to be rude or disappoint him but i... I look at the thought that, if i transition how will it affect him and my family. I mean im all new to this. relatively speaking.

i dont know what i mean.

Today... I really thought about cutting myself... I NEVER have had those thoughts before now. It really scared me. I had a box cutter in my hand. What have i come to. There are probably loads more people worse off than me. I have only been back for less than a day.

The only person i was able to talk to about any of this is now in GA. She is the only one who knows truly what im going through (of my friends)

I feel like i want to cry out for help, but stay quite for fear of rejection. And the more i let myself become who i want to be i lose my old self, and i dont know if im capable of keeping my sanity intact.

I need to leave this house, but my dad wants me to stick around with him. But under the Vail i wonder what he would think if he knew. I already know his stand on what he thinks of everyone who is not straight. Would he react the way i predict, maybe worse. or will he be accepting. i dont know.

i feel like im rambling i just have questions that float in my head with out the echoing answers. I maybe need sleep. its almost 5am. but thoughts keep my mind buzzing with possibilities of fear and self-loathingness.

Jena

[Guest Jenifer Turner]

Just tired and will make it short. Talked with a Mod. and feel better, im going to try and come out to my girlfriend and maybe my mom.

Maybe in the next day or too. I feel it may make me feel better to have more people on my side.

thanks to all that care soo much.

I dont know what i would do without this site.

Jena

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

ok let me get this out of the way first

DON'T CUT!!! JUST DON'T. DON'T START!

it can be an incredibly difficult thing to give up once you've started and the scars will stay with you forever.

ok. now that's done, With your brother's troubles your father is possibly feeling like he must've some how failed you as kids, and is likely feeling insecure, this reconnection with you, to me at least seems more like him trying to play the parent again, and treating you like a son, than it is about your masculinity.

That said if he's homophobic, I dunno, some people get turned around on their ideas once they're conflicted with it personally. You need to be yourself tho, especially as this is all making you so upset. Your father will have to find out eventually, maybe this is bad timing, but again if he has a problem with it, that's his own fault. If he does take it well, then it could give the two of you a chance to really bond on a level you never managed before. It seems fairly typical that end up feeling quite infant like when we have to face this problem, I suppose because for so many of us the problem goes way back into our childhood. We tend to regress, I think that's why so many people get so worried about telling their parents. Seems like your father would really appreciate the opportunity to "look after you" and guide you, and could be a real asset in helping you through this. That all depends on if he can get over his prejudices however, so at the end of the day...

Just remember that you have to do this for you, and you have to put yourself first, you can't blame yourself for him being hurt just cos he doesn't like "queers" or whatever.

Don't cut on yourself, see a doctor, figure yourself out, and where you need to be. You probably shouldn't talk to your parents yet if you think you might be in danger of getting kicked out, but you could politely say to your father that you love spending time with him, but you'd like it if you could do something a little less macho occasionally and that, that isn't really you. I think he'd accept that. Don't immediately suggest you go to the ballet or something but y'know baby steps. Suggest something like going to an art gallery maybe, tell him you'd like to cook dinner for everyone, that kind of thing.

[Guest sarah f]

I have to agree with I is Sam on this one. It is your life and you live it how you need to, to be happy. I am beginning to learn more and more everyday I am on this site that I am the only one that matters in my changing because my happiness is the ultimate key to the rest of my life. Don't let your dad bum you out just let him get out his frustrations and maybe he will come around when you do decide to come out to him. Good Luck

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Donna Jean]

I just feel uncomfortable in my own house. I dont want to be rude or disappoint him but i... I look at the thought that, if i transition how will it affect him and my family. I mean im all new to this. relatively speaking.

Jena

Jena.....Please, PLEASE don't cut!

Now, you did the right thing by contacting a Mod...that helped....

And by your statement above......how will it affect him if you DON'T transition? Will his world be better?....

Transition and your condition is about YOU!....no one else....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

It seems its my night to be blunt, I just had to lay it on the line to a GF on yahoo. There comes a point when you have to look at this as what is best for YOU; by your initial post you have hit one of those points where you are not sure which way to turn because it might hurt someone. Let me ask you this, what good are you to anyone if you are either dead (by your own hand), severly injured because you didnt quite kill yourself or marked for life for the same reason.

Sister, you need to do what is right for you and make your ammends with others later. There are always going to be those what if moments, and they can stop you entirely if you let them; ultimately, yes, transition is selfish because it is all about you doing what you need to be complete and healthy, it is all about you becoming the person you should be.

[Guest Jenifer Turner]

Thanks everyone.

Im pretty sure i get to blame it all on lack of sleep, but i thank everyone for their help.

Maybe i should do some cooking He already knows i would love to be a chef!!!!

as for me thinking about cutting, thankfully i stopped myself, i was like, "do i really want to do this?!"

I think i need to talk to more people about this and maybe see if my school has an OUT program, like my old school.

after i got it all off my chest i was actually able to calm down enough to sleep some (two like 10am) but i will talk all i can get.

I know everyone is like

"you need to do this for yourself, and dont try to please others,"

The truth is, IT HARD!

Im sure everyone has and/or is going through the same thing, but thats just who i am. Im not a people pleaser, i just want to protect everyone, even if its before my own needs. Im working against myself

Well thanks again, i think im going to try to come out to another either today or within the week.

wish me luck

Hugs,

Jena

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Jennifer hun, if you keep putting everyone else first you will end up dead last. Ill just leave it at that

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jena..........

Honey...I'm glad to hear that you're feeling somewhat better and got some sleep, too.

Our Dysphoria and our feelings can contradict each other all of the time and we're stuck in the middle...I understand.

And, it is hard to put yourself first sometimes, when you're a loving, caring person...but, you can't let yourself sink over it..you need to take care of yourself, too!

BIGG HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Im sure everyone has and/or is going through the same thing, but thats just who i am. Im not a people pleaser, i just want to protect everyone, even if its before my own needs. Im working against myself

This comes from low self esteem, which is almost certainly due to your transgenderdness.

I'm the same, I hate any kind of confilct and do anything I can to avoid it (especially more in recent years) and i'm incredibly submissive.

I'm very glad you didn't cut, eventually you wanna be able to look good in a bikini right? remember that. Think about how awful it would be to feel like you have to wear long sleeves all the time, because you don't want people to be able to see your difficult past all over your arms.

People you can come out to safely, most definitely do, it feels so much better and just easier in general when you know you have a few people in your corner.

You're not doing anything to hurt anyone, remember that, it'speople's own bigotry and stupidity and hatred which causes everyone's pain.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Jena,

I understand how difficult it is to consider putting one's own happiness and feelings ahead of others. Sometimes part of what defines our own happiness is having it reflected in the happiness of others. So there's no guarantee that putting your own ahead of others will result in their being happy. Yet, if you aren't true to yourself and aren't making sure you are happy with yourself, somehow those feelings will become apparent to others.

Now put yourself in your relatives shoes. If they begin to sense that you are unhappy, they may feel that what they're doing isn't working and become as unhappy as you. So, that's why you have to find your own place, make sure you're comfortable there, and then you will be in a much better position to think about the feelings of others.

And those people that really truly love you or care for you, will eventually (hopefully because it can take some time) come to realize that you are happy where you are, and they'll begin to feel it and in the best of all worlds, reflect it back again in their own feelings and actions. Granted, it's an ideal, but I think it's what we're all hoping for with our loved ones.

It's not necessarily putting yourself first, it's making sure you're in the best place by helping yourself, so you can help others.

I hope it works out for you.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Jenifer - late reply - sorry - glad you got some help!

My oh my - I know you feel pulled in 20 directions at once!

Sometimes you will have to put your self interests on a brief "hold' pattern - if you can (sometimes you cannot).

So your dad is in need of you! It seems like you will be the parent for a bit - or at least the 'pal' you dad seems to crave. I know it goes against the grain. It comes down to this, CAN YOU DO IT - and keep your sanity?

And all this other family turmoil - CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

Well - the advantage will be it makes you a person to deal with, someone the family can respect. THEN when you confront them with what you are, you have some 'coin' to spend.

Sounds silly, but that is how I see it.

And you are smart to ask us when you are confused! We may not have the answers but we will always be here for you.

DONT be alone! You won't 'cut' or otherwise get off kilter if you know we are here for you!

So go for it! Live is complicated - them we add in our gender dysphoria? AUGGGGGGGH - amazing we are able to be so tough!

Lizzy

[Guest Jenifer Turner]

Everyone is right.

I will try my best.

I is Sam, your right, It like you know exactly what im going through, everyone does and it helps soo much.

I think i know why i was kind of going crazy. Since i have an apartment near my school, I really didn't have to be so secretive about me, and at home I just had to make sure i was covering myself.

Stress + More Stress = Crazy

Thanks for the help!

Jena