Getting A Taste

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

So it was maybe all of 10 weeks ago, ish, that I decided that I needed to suck it and see kinda thing, they I had to at least start heading down this path and see how it feels. To begin with (a few months ago) I wasn't even really considering transition at least not as a whole, it was more just trying different things at a time, buying more girl's clothes, being more open about my femininity, I bought some silicone breast enahncers to fill out my bra, and then I decided that I really wanted to get some testosterone out of my system and just see how it felt.

Once I started to realise how much better this stuff felt, I mean just things like lying around watching tv but with breasts and how much more comfortable I felt, I kinda want to say I felt more normal, but then it's not like I felt strange before, I didn't really know any different. And I then I had this "duh" moment, where I realised that whenever I felt happy I'd dress feminine, and when I felt depressed and self loathing, I would take all that stuff off and get into boys clothes. So I wasn't depressed because I was wearing those clothes, but what I chose to wear seemed to be like a reflection fo what was going on with me.

That's about the point where I realised that I was like 85% certain that I wanted to transition. And I came out to the first two people. And then the light switches on, I'd finally figured something out in my head, made some sort of connection and that number shot up to 98% almost immediately. I started putting together connections things seemed so obvious.

I'm going into a little too much detail for back story here.

A few weeks on now, and my spiro is up to a reasonable dose, I need to wrangle some more blood tests out of my doc, I'm dressed in female clothing almost exclusively, I haven't worn 100% male clothing in ages now, and 90% of the time I'm head to toe in girl's clothes, with the exception of my coat, because it's a full length wool coat, and reasonably unisex, and they're expensive to replace. Granted my clothes are all pretty much androgynous, but that's because right now I have absolutely no hope of passing. I even changed my socks - I love knee high socks, so warm on a winter's day.

I got rid of about 3 black bags full of male clothes.

I've come out to 6 people in total, including my neighbour.

I've lost 9 pounds since just before xmas, I've become responsible for my health. I'm growing my hair out, growing my nails, gotten rid of all the hair on my hands, arms, feet and legs - getting it off my chest is next, (I just wanted to try and learn how to manage the bits i've done first.)

I have my consult for laser tomorrow.

and I am happy, I mean almost all the time, yes I still have the odd depressive spells but I wouldn't describe myself as depressed anymore, I doubt if a psych spoke to me today they would diagnose me with it.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't some sort of delusional ecxstacy, not everything is perfect, I still have some pretty serious anxiety issues, I worry about things, things still can make me sad.

But life is pretty darn great, and finally getting back around to the title of this post, I couldn't possibly imagine going back now, the idea of not transitioning, I don't even want to think about it, I've tasted what my life can be, and it's good and I want more and I want it now.

I am now 100% convinced that this is right, my only real reason for not racing into this thing as fast as humanly possible is that I'm trying to be responsible, but for my personal sake I no longer feel like I need to be cautious.

And I guess where I was going with all this, my thought when I decided to post this was that, even tho it really hasn't been very long, I'm just honestly a bit amazed, that as soon as I opened the door just a little, as soon as I tried just a tiny bit, I realised I wanted it all.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My therapist says I can never get the jenie back in the bottle!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Nope, Sam............

No going back, Hon......

You've tasted that feeling and now you know what it's all about!

Like when you first start therapy and think...."I have nothing to say...." and in a bit everything comes pouring out and then you can't shut up!

I was looking at your percentages....85%....98%...Hmmmmmm...climbing....

I think that's gonna make it pretty hard to go back...don't ya think?

You're not doubting yourself anymore...are you?

LOL

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

once you let her out of the closet... the only thing going in there will be your new clothes and shoes darlin. She is out and in the world and thats right where she wants to be

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

No doubts anymore whatsoever.

Whilst I do like a few things about being a boy, I _AM_ a girl, and as such I'm perfectly free to do masculine things from time to time, I'm not forced to spend the rest of my life wearing floral print dresses and tying bows in my hair.

I'd been a little concerned about attachment to the bits i'm gonna cut off, but I'm confident that I've figured that out, the details tho are probably not PG enough for this forum.

[Guest Vivian]

Yes, it is such a great feeling letting her out to express herself. I don't ever want go back either.

[Carolyn Marie]

And I guess where I was going with all this, my thought when I decided to post this was that, even tho it really hasn't been very long, I'm just honestly a bit amazed, that as soon as I opened the door just a little, as soon as I tried just a tiny bit, I realised I wanted it all.

Yup, Sam, I know how you feel. A little taste of womanhood is never enough. Kind of like trying to eat one Lay's potato chip.

Can't be done. (oh, I forgot, you probably don't have those. Just take my word for it.)

Don't worry either about taking it slow. My G.T. said she never thought rushing into something like this was a good idea,

and that its natural to have at least some initial doubts.

You're doing it the right way, Sam. You know the path you're on is the right one. Stay the course and you'll get there.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Sam,

Isn't it great to find your way - so long just wandering in the wilderness but now you can see the promised land and it is within your reach.

Sorry, I got a bit Biblical there but it is a bit like coming out of the dessert and into the promised land sort of a back to Eden journey for us and the funny thing is that it works the same way for those traveling in the opposite direction - life is funny that way.

I am so glad that you have had your doubts - not to face them now would make things so much more difficult later on.

Won't you join me on my journey with no doubts, a few fears and a lot of tears but it is all good.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jenifer Turner]

Sam,

Im soo excited for you, im still having doubts about myself, but I know exactly how you feel!

Before i had ever thought about transitioning i kind of treated my body pretty badly. Days after i came out to someone about my feelings, I saw an improvement in my health and mentality. I watched what i ate, and in general improved my hygiene greatly.

I dont know why. But its like our minds unconsciously did not like our body, and when we changed, so did our minds. Its like a conformation sort of.

But im really glad for you.

Huggs,

Jena