Repent

[Guest SamIThinkIAm]

Your discomfort with me--the renegade

Crackles sharp and hostile

Sounding the war drum

Heart pounding in my chest so hard

It hurts

You seem disappointed

As you load more crosses unto me

Wind more thorns into my skull

That despite these burdens I struggle onwards

I will not break

I refuse to repent

For a crime I did not commit

Ma I am not sorry

Dad I was never your little girl

I will no longer wallow in the shame

I will not atone

For your sins

Your intolerance, your threats of exile

I have done nothing wrong

I will not allow you to break these wings

The long years

Of head bowed and eyes trained on the floor

Apologetic that I was so defective

Sorry I was such a freak

Failing miserably to be what was expected of me

I tried so hard to forget

To kill him

To lock him away

He came still, though twisted and projected

His resolve is stronger than yours

I will not abandon him this time

Will not throw us to the dogs

I’ve had enough of the suffering

Of the long nights crying

Running from the truth

Even though my knees are shaking

I’ve made up my mind

If I want to live

Trembling hand curled around his

There’s no going back--- not this time

However hard you beat him

Let his bones never break, let him feel no pain

He will never die

Because I won’t let you kill him

Despite all your words and names, pronouns like shrapnel

May not kill me outright

Leave me to slowly bleed out

But none of that matters anymore

Let what may come

Bring all the hell and fury you wish

I know better now

Walking tall against the rain

I’m freezing, shivering from the cold

Your rejection and oppression

But there’s the promise of a light at the end of this tunnel

I am Sam.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Your discomfort with me--the renegade

Crackles sharp and hostile

Sounding the war drum

Heart pounding in my chest so hard

It hurts

You seem disappointed

As you load more crosses unto me

Wind more thorns into my skull

That despite these burdens I struggle onwards

I will not break

I refuse to repent

For a crime I did not commit

Ma I am not sorry

Dad I was never your little girl

I will no longer wallow in the shame

I will not atone

For your sins

Your intolerance, your threats of exile

I have done nothing wrong

I will not allow you to break these wings

The long years

Of head bowed and eyes trained on the floor

Apologetic that I was so defective

Sorry I was such a freak

Failing miserably to be what was expected of me

I tried so hard to forget

To kill him

To lock him away

He came still, though twisted and projected

His resolve is stronger than yours

I will not abandon him this time

Will not throw us to the dogs

I've had enough of the suffering

Of the long nights crying

Running from the truth

Even though my knees are shaking

I've made up my mind

If I want to live

Trembling hand curled around his

There's no going back--- not this time

However hard you beat him

Let his bones never break, let him feel no pain

He will never die

Because I won't let you kill him

Despite all your words and names, pronouns like shrapnel

May not kill me outright

Leave me to slowly bleed out

But none of that matters anymore

Let what may come

Bring all the hell and fury you wish

I know better now

Walking tall against the rain

I'm freezing, shivering from the cold

Your rejection and oppression

But there's the promise of a light at the end of this tunnel

I am Sam.

WOW

fantastic words, so poignant and so close to what most of us have felt at one time or another, Sally I think you have some competition. Sam is definitely one of the sites master word smiths; thanks Sam for this one straight from the heart.

[Guest sarah f]

Really great poem. I am sorry you had such a hard time with your parents. You should never have to apolgize about the way you feel inside to anyone. I hope everything is better for you now.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest viv]

Sam ,

I feel so in tune to what you say in your poetry ,you speak for us all .

Where do you find those words , they bewitch me , they make me weep.

You day in the sun is coming to you Sam .But , for now , my thanks , viv