Need Some Words Of Wisdom And Support

[Guest Justme]

Hi all. As i wrote before, I have a sister that is dealing with liver cancer. And I have been trying to be a support to my Mom. My mom has told my sister that I am willing to be there for her, but, she wants nothing to do with me. At the same time. in supporting my Mom, she has taken the opportunity to revert back to calling me by my old name and treating me any way she wants. I haven't said anything to my Mom because I do feel it's the time or place. It is just breaking my heart. I love my sister and my Mom so very much. I keep trying to firgure out what I have done, that they could hate me so....And it all comes down to one thing. They told me I am an embarresment to them. They don't want me home, because, what would the neighbors think? And I'm siiting here thinking....are you kidding me? What happened to...I Love You....I don;t care what the neighbors think? This is driving me crazy. I keep thinking, maybe I just need to stop being me...so I can be there for them. And, I even feel selfish in asking for support. Knowing what my sister is going through. There just seems to be no right way out.

[Guest viv]

Hello Justme,

Well Hun, its the same old story , you think you got problems till you read/

hear re some other poor soul having a bad time -and it breaks your heart. I am so

sorry to read your in this situation . I had to reply , I just had to but I honestly dont

have a clue as to what to advise except to pack a bag a run and dont look back. Thats

probably something you wont or cant do, ???. Do you have a relative who will take

you in so you can get a breather and not have to listen to being told your an embarresment

to anyone, I know you love your family but there are limits to what people should or

should not say to folk . Justme , the more I think re your situation the more I am convinced

you got to get out of there. I know this sounds abrupt but hun, you will suffer . I hope with

all my heart you find resolution and please know you are supported by us ALL here at

Laura"s ,,,,luv,viv

[Sally]

Dear just me,

I have to agree with Viv, she is a very smart lady.

They do not want you around because they are more concerned about being embarrassed and how people will think of them than they are about you - that is not love, I am not sure what it is but love is not it.

You cannot help people who do not want to accept your help so Write to your mother:

Dear Mother,

Since you have no respect for me or my needs I am very sorry but the offer to help was made and rejected so I have taken the hint and will no longer contact you. I would like to remind you that you can contact me if you ever decide that I do have worth as a human being but right now it does not seem that way and life is hard enough without such total rejection by my own family, I will not say good bye because I hope that someday you will realize that I have done all I could to please you as your daughter and continued to do so as your son, all rejections and insults have come from you so I will say Thank you for all you did for me in the past and forgive you for all that you have done to me in my new life.

Your Loving Son

I hope that helps, I am at a point in my life where I am going to have to send a similar letter, it is not easy but neither is living with trying to be accepted by people who do not want you around.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Justme,

At a time of family crisis people can act strangely. Those words your mother said were of course very hurtful, and I can sympathize with your dilemma. Eventhough your sister has said that she does not want you around, I really think she does not mean that. She is very ill. Your family had acceptance of you before your sister got sick (as I recall) and I don't really think that acceptance has gone completely away. Everyone is in a state of shock and panic regarding your sister.

I would carefully balance the affect you leaving now would have on your family with the affect it would have on you. Do you want to leave your family, your sister now?

I do hope that your sister recovers from her illness and that peace once again decends upon your household.

I want you to be happy

Love

Brenda

[Guest Justme]

Hi Viv and Sally. I thank you for your words. I'm feeling in a very alone place. Knowing that I love my family...but that they don't want me around. Knowing that I want a connection with people, but for some reason, I turn people away. All I know is I hurt. I want to be of help...but my help is unwelcomed. And if I can't be of help...why am I here anyway? My life is a waste. With my transitioning, I can'tr help the people I love. Selfish me!!!

[Guest viv]

Hey Hun,

Had a look at your profile, wanted to see your age . I am in my 40"s.

At 21 I delayed my Transition as my partner gave birth to our son ,freakin

perspective !!!but perspective is common sense and common sense has to

prevail at the end of the day .So, here I am today , Transitioning , I did my

duty first , my son is now a man and can look after himself, my turn now.

You describe yourself very negatively in your last post and I am honestly

feeling so bad for you right now , hun, you are of value ,you are not selfish

nor is your life a waste . Your life is important ,beautiful and very,very

valuable . I can see how important your family is to you Justme, and your

sister being unwell is obviously disturbing you greatly . Instead of shredding

your peace of mind and maybe even getting ill would you consider putting

on hold your Transitioning just till you and your family can get back to loving

one another , you can do your duty as I had to and when the time is right,

you can resume and there will be no guilt as you played your part when

you were needed .If things pan out that way you will be so much happier,

I say this cos I am -I did my shift -let no one down . Would you think about

this as an option ,just put your stuff on hold for a while and stop hurting.

I hesitate in advising anyone so , but reading your pain disturbs me , I

hope you know I just mean you well hun. Keep posting to us here , please

know we are here for you ,,,you are not alone , luv,viv ..

[Guest ricka]

Justme---I really feel for you Hon having to deal with rejection and hurt from your family. It's tough and it does make us feel so alone.

I think that it becomes key to learning to be healthy and whole as we transition to be able to accept the feelings and attitudes of others which we simply have no control over. By "accept" I do not mean to say this is okay nor that given the opportunity we do not try to change negative attitudes and feelings in others when we can, but so often we simply cannot. It is simply (and when I say simply, I don't mean it is ever really easy) a matter of letting go of our internal resistance/resentments to what others think and feel about us. That frees us up then to love them back and that is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.

Ricka

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I have to agree with Viv on this one. I know all to well the feeling of being alone and not being able to be myself with parents and siblings. And like you I love my family massively. I buried my fem feelings and put my family first for 30 years. And I can tell you it was tormenting and sent me into a deep depression that eventually caused me to have a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for it. I had purged many times trying to beat down the girl inside me but that never works. All you do is waste nice clothes and burn through a lot of money. Knowing what I now know and the heartache of not being able to be me if I had it to do all over again, I would move out as soon as I could and just be me. And as much as I love my family they would have to deal with it or deal with their problem of unacceptance. I think the key is finding others who do accept you for who you are. I know their is nothing like family support and it can hurt deeply when they don't understand or support who you truly are. It is like a stool with 3 legs and have had a couple legs knocked away so it can't stand. You have to find others who can and will be those legs of support so that you can stand. A good therapist can help and finding others like yourself will help. I know it is a hard decision sweetie but you have to get "real" honest with yourself is family and constant inner struggle more important and something you can deal with? Or is inner peace and happiness with yourself more important? No one but you can answer either of those questions. And while you are searching your heart and soul for those answers plz know we are all here for you. Also know you can PM anytime if you need someone to talk to. I may not always have an answer but Have big ears and they listen very closely....Huggsss...Katrina

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Its so, so hard to need so badly to be loved and accepted by people who in their own misguided ignorance and selfishness are willing to reject someone that they have always loved over something so small and so simple. The thing that personally pains me the most is that so often the person that emerges from transition is healthier, happier, and generally a better and more productive individual. Its like being healed of a terrible disease, and if that was the case, most people would be happy for us.

But its just ignorance. And ignorance can be overcome. Love is a key component in that. Love can wear down all kinds of barriers.

Its just my opinion, but as hard as it will be, I think it would go a long way if you just let yourself feel good about who you are and feel enough respect for yourself to be that person and hold your head up high. It would go a long way if you just showed them, not with words but with your actions, how much better you feel and how much more present you are, and how much love you have for your family despite their short sighted and ignorant behavior and regardless of the way they act.

On the other hand, it depends entirely on what is best for your health. Trying to prove yourself to people, trying to please them, and trying to help them at your own expense can carry a terrible cost. Its a delicate and narrow path to walk, and you just have to let your heart guide you. You know your family better than I do, too, of course.

But above all, you need to understand that you are NOT being selfish. You were born with a condition and you are seeking to be helped with it. That is normal and proper and for the best. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do it, too, because I KNOW that its terrifying and confusing and difficult. To choose to be healed, to choose to be a better, stronger, more real person is one of the hardest things you can face in life. Give yourself the credit you deserve for being strong enough to do it, and give yourself the credit you deserve for loving your mother and your sister despite their behavior towards you. That takes courage and a good heart, too.

And above all, maybe, remember that no matter how anyone percieves you or what anyone calls you, you ARE the person you want to become. That person just needs to be given a chance to see the light of day, and no one can take that away from you by using the wrong name or the wrong pronouns.

[Guest Amanda joan]

Just Me,

You are dealing with the anger that comes from your Mother's & your Sister's loss. When you stopped being their Daughter & Sister and came out to them as the Man that you are, you took something away from them. It is like someone died and they are greaving. This is hard to experience and you are perfectly normal to feel the way that you feel. They need some time to work through their feelings. I hope that they will find a way to re-connect with you. As far as what will the neighbors think? How about this; that you love your children no mather what they do or who they are. Really do the neighbors care how you dress? Ask her how would the neighbors react if they knew what you had offered and what her response to that was. Change is hard for people and you have changed allot about who you are to them. This is just something we have to go through to get where we want to be.

Good luck and may God bless you, your Mom and your Sister.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Just Me,

You are dealing with the anger that comes from your Mother's & your Sister's loss. When you stopped being their Daughter & Sister and came out to them as the Man that you are, you took something away from them. It is like someone died and they are greaving.

I used to feel exactly like this is what I had done: taken something away from the people I loved. There were people in my life who actually cried when I told them because they were afraid that they were going to lose me in some way. I was told specifically once that a person very close to me felt like I was going away. And one friend told me that he was going to have a hard time with this for a long while because, and I qoute, he "always liked me."

I asked him if it was ok if I came to the funeral, too.

Its ok, really. Everyone I know found the courage to stick with me, and Im really blessed and very grateful.

And I DO have sympathy for these feelings. I think thats how a lot of people see it at first when someone they know goes through this. And I can understand it a little bit: how often does this happen? Most people don't get the real life trainging they need to know how to deal with it or what to expect. Its often a "sudden" revelation for people too.

But I am less tolerant of the notion that we are taking something from people these days, and especially when people use it in a hurtful way.

The way I see it is this:

I'm the one who spent decades living a miserable lie. I'm the one who lost her childhood. I'm the one who has to face an intolerant world every day and worry about "losing" family and friends. I'm the one who will have a hard time finding and keeping a decent job. I'm the one who will now have ten times the difficulty finding a life partner and who might never be able to marry. I'm the one in therapy. I'm the one taking medication every day, possibly risking my liver, possibly risking a stroke, and saving every penny for a major invasive surgical proceedure which I realistically will probably never be able to afford, and that I will virtually have to beg for. And I'm the one who is "going through" all of this because the alternative became impossible to cope with and transition seemed like a better risk than insanity or suicide.

Now, remind me what it is YOU are going through and losing while _I_ am dealing with this?

But in the end, I'm still here and all of the things that the people in my life knew and loved about me are still here, AND I'm happier and easier to be around. So, what has been taken away other than a misconcieved notion? I'm not dieing. I'm not asking for help. I'm just saying "let me be." How is that taking anything away from anyone? And since so many of us are saddled with the notion that we are somehow obligated, for the sake of others, to at least TRY to live these lies, and since most of us spend huge portions of our lives being unhappy while doing _exactly_ that, I really feel like the dues are paid, the time is served.

Sometimes I wonder what people want from us. When they speak to us, who are they talking to? The person they WANT us to be, or the person that we ARE? Personally, I do not care to think of myself as a character in someone else's head. Love me the way I am, or go looking for someone who better meets your expectations.

Sorry for the rant ::laughs::

[Guest Donna Jean]

IZZY!

CLAP....CLAP....CLAP....CLAP.......

BRAVO........

Donna Jean