Freaking Out!

[Guest AshleeB]

Im TERRIFIED!! I know i already made a topic somewhat similar to this but i really dont know what to do >_< im so scared about starting school again... Im just... gah, i feel like i could cry. Im just so scared that people will know about me. i left my last school over a year ago because i was so miserable about who i was and how people perseved me (I was the gay guy of the group...) and NOW all my friends see me as the gay GIRL of the group which is fine coz its completly true ( )

but what about a whole school of strangers around me all day? They will probably see me and think im just another overweight girl. no different to the rest (and i hope im right about this because i dont have any trouble physically passing elsewhere)

but the thing thats really scaring me... like... REALLY worrying me, is that my voice is... well i dont have any privacy to practice and my gender therapist still hasnt hooked me up with a speech thingy person so i just sound like a kinda femme guy when i talk =(

i just dont know what to do... i have less than a month untill i start and i have nothing but fear and anxiety to look forward too. ahh i guess theres nothing anyone can really say... i wouldnt know what to tell me if i were reading all this.

*cries*

Ash

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I can relate. Im not going to school, but I'm right on the cusp of what I think of as full time. For me that just means that I go to work wearing the same clothes that I would wear on the weekends before and that I make the extra effort to look nice if I can. I work in a very masculine environment and trade, and the changes in the way I dress and carry myself are more and more noticable. I worried about it tremendously for a while, but so far no one has said a thing, though from time to time new customers come in and say things like "thank you ma'am" as they are leaving. ::laughs:: I don't know what the older more regular customers are thinking, and I find that as long as they keep it to themselves, I don't care, either.

Its natural to be afraid. That kind of fear is a big part of what keeps a lot of us bottled up through the decades. Its what brings on the purges and the frustration and prevents us from having a life, and its not at all fair that we should have to feel it. But at some point it must be faced. Unless we are extraordinarily blessed and can pass without fail in all respects, sooner or later we all have to face the world and just do the best we can. To me that means being authentic, which is not at all the same as managing to live up to everyone else's standard for what a woman ought to look like, sound like, and act like. I'm me. I am my own standard. As the fear gradually goes away for me, I find myself caring less and less whether I am percieved as female as long as I am comfortable and happy and no one is giving me hell about it.

You know you have a lot of people here who will send their hopes and prayers and thoughts with you as you go out into this new place, and you know that we will be very proud of you and hopeful for you that everything goes well. And it sounds like you have some friends who know and understand and are supportive of you.

I think that it will be ok. Just hold your head up high and be YOURSELF. Be natural. Thats the only thing you really have to do, and though its scary, you can manage it, I know you can. Just take a deep breath and be you. And when you need a little booster of courage, a little reminder, come back and let your friends here help out if we can.

[Guest Amanda joan]

Miss Ashlee,

You know that you should work on your voice, Right?

Well work on your voice. I have a friend that has been going to a voice coach and has been able to change her voice tremendously. She has shared with me some of the exercises. You will need to train your neck muscles to speak at a higher pitch. Practice singing along with female singers in your car. Try talking like Mickey Mouse, this will help to develop those muscles. There are many things that you can do. You need to start now and find a place and a time to practice. It is hard work and you will get sore. Drink lots of cold water while you do this. You do need to begin to be more comfortable with who you are. Being Trans is hard because must people don't understand what it's all about. Teach your friends what it means to be trans. Understand that it is not a sin and you are not a freak. We have a medical condition that often puts us in a state of depression, anxiety and fear. You are normal to have these feelings. The worlds view of gender is wrong. There is not just Male & Female. There is a whole spectrum of gender and we are inthe middle of that spectrum.

I can not tell you that I have been through what you have been through. I have the same challenges as you, I have the same fears as you. It is hard to feel comfortable in an environment that you don't feel safe and accepted. I hope that you will find the courage to be yourself and make new friends. You need an education so that you can get a good job and make enough money to do the things you want to do.

I know this is not going to solve you problems bit, I hope you follow your dreams.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest AshleeB]

Hey thanks for the kind words girls

Being full time is good for me at the moment as i have done it long enough to become very comfortable and not worry at all, mostly because i dont have to talk to strangers out in the world XD

But this is different. Stupid school... lol i HAVE to do it though. I want to be a Gender Psychologist (im good at psychology and talking people through their problems, plus its a very personal career )

I do try to train my voice as best i can whenever i can but these chances only come rarely. My voice is passable for VERY short interactions (like with shop assistants) but you know... im just so scared that i wont be able to pass for long periods of time, like with new friends, teachers and students.

I dont know... i dont want to complain. i do it way to often sorry people..

[Guest Mila]

Just keep up with your voice training and eventually you will get there. I am sure it's not as bad as you think! If you don't have much privacy, try to create it yourself. If you can't do it at home, go to some park and practice it over there.

Just don't give up!

Mila

[Guest Fwip]

Ashlee, are you going to be the new girl at school? If so... it's perfectly natural for a girl to be shy when she's not with people she doesn't know, and shy people tend not to say very much, right? If you're in a conversation and you feel like your voice is about to give out, I don't expect too many people would think twice if you clammed up.

It's certainly not perfect, but it might help you out until you become more confident with your voice with more practice.

-Fwippy