Over And Over Again

[Guest JD_Divine]

For as long as I can remember I was raised to believe women were supposed to be THIN AS A RAIL or else they were just grouped as fat ugly undesireable clumps of useless flesh. At dessert at dinner time I'd reach for what everyone else was eating and I'd hear "Do you REALLY need that brownie? You need to lose weight."

Even when I stopped eating I was told to lose more weight. Passing out in school from not eating for a week at a time didn't even put a blip on my parents radar until the school said there might be a problem. My folks said I was just lazy and fat. I was always the fat one of the family, at a wonderful 125 pounds my entire adult life. Well, until I got pregnant...

The day my daughter was born I was tipping the scale at 235 pounds of baby and water weight but I didn;t know about Pre eclampsia at the time... And when she was born I knew I had my work cut out for me.

I stopped eating, didn't sleep well at all, had no energy to do anything... then 4 months after she was born I went to sleep one night with a migraine and woke up at 3:30am strapped to a stretcher on my way to the hospital after a seizure. Shortly after a 4 day vacation in the hospital I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Wonderful.

Her father and I split, life spiraled out of control... but I always could moderate my intake. I chose when and when not to eat, nobody else. The fat comments started again... the crude jokes and snide comments never stopped. Of course by that time I was at 118 pounds and a size 3 jeans. Thats where I am now... and I AM STILL FAT!

I try so hard to force myself to eat... but its a constant battle. Now with the added stress of having to hide my gender dysphoria from them (Homophobic and play the "If you're a lesbian you must not love your daughter" and "You should be ashamed to expose your daughter to such a disgusting thing") Im at a higher risk for stress induced seizures. My energy is at an all time low from only eating one meal per day IF I eat... I don't sleep anymore, I cry so much... I hate my body on so many levels. If I could shave off the female clutter I would probably be down to around 110 and be happy with that...

Just ... not really sure where its taking me but its down a slope and the wheels are turning... I think I dropped the emergency break a few miles back.

~JD

[Guest Jean Davis]

Aww honey

Who exactly are these people that are saying this to you, they sure can't be friends. Heck I can go out on the street and find people that will treat me better than that and I'm sure you can also. If these are friends that are saying these things to you be blunt and to the point, tell them to knock it off and they aren't helping any with their comments. Everyone has the ability to find people that will treat is like dirt, and it's not hard to find them, so if they don't quit, dump them and find some one else that will treat you better.

Now if it's family, that's going to take a little more effort if you wish to keep them around and you'll have to play that one by ear. I personally had my mother trying to run my life and making inappropiate comments. I solved that by breaking contact with her for about 9 months. She realized then that if she was to persist that she would have no part in my life, not to say that this was the best plan but it worked for me.

And if these comments are comming from people at work, well shame on you for even listening to them. Most of the people at work or other places that treat me poorly I consider less valuable than the dirt on the botom of my shoe and their opinion just doesn't matter. You can figure out the proper response for them, personally I don't figure their worth a response so I don't give them one. You would be suprised on how that takes the wind from their sails, when they don't get a response it makes them look foolish and they quit after a while.

BTW 118 - 125 is not fat for anyone, so don't listen to them. Only ask your family doctor what your weight should be so you stay healthy and don't listen to the rest of those people.

LUV

Jean

[Guest JD_Divine]

No, no friends are saying that... in fact my friends say I look great all things considered. All the negativity comes from my family... the people who raised me all my life, who beat me since I was in diapers till the high school called DCFS on them for bruises around my neck... the family Im stuck with because I can't find a job, can't drive and don't have savings for public transportation. For me, considering health issues, EOE doesn't mean equal treatment at work. I got fired once for not being able to go up on a ladder and another threatened to fire me because I was having tremmers in my arms and hands at work and it weirded out the customers who made comments like "is she on drugs?"... its a war with my body on a constant level.

Ive couch surfed and been in and out of homeless shelters for the last 2 years, making my stress at an all time high and yet my folks expect me to just snap out of it and its "just a phase"... or "Pills will make you normal"... No, meds made me suicidal and had no appetite and I lost 30 pounds in 2 months... Nothing I do is right by them. Nothing. Even when I had art in a museum in New York City in high school it wasn't good enough. I got my head smashed against a wall becasue 148% for an A in art class wasn't a good enough A. I was told my art was nuts when I was being offered jobs with Marvel and DC comics at the age of 14. So to say my weight issue is the least of my concerns would be a lie. They just hate ME.

I guess over the years I started to "see" my body the way they said... fat, ugly, unloveable. Got worse when the weight loss happened, the skin just sags... and my breasts (I hate them and want them GONE) are, I think, trying to see if they can touch my belly button. Everything is fighting against me.

I try to stay optomistic, honest... its just a losing battle I think. But thanks for the kind words.

~JD

[Guest Green Tara]

Your name says it - You are already Divine!

I have battled with binge eating disorder since my early teens and if I am stressed I still have a tendency to eat badly and not exercise. If I feel good about myself I treat my body well.

The best thing I ever did to help myself was to throw the scales away and not allow them to dictate my life. I now get up each day and smell the coffee which my lovely spouse has been making me each morning for the past 15 years.

I still get stressed ( its called life!) and sometimes I still turn to my drug of choice to cope ( food!) but things balance out and my weight has been stable for the past five years. I've accepted that my natural build is "hour glass" and I'll never be size zero - but actually I've realised I don't want to be and now in my 50s I admit that ego of mine gets quite a buzz when many think I look 10 years younger because of my skin.

My other tip is weights - having got myself a personal trainer a few years ago I have toned up and I love the fact that I can feel muscle and lift weights. Muscle weighs more than fat ( as you probably already know) so another reason to dump the scales.

You have an inner wisdom - listen to it, trust it and let that guide you to what is the right weight for a healthful happy you and then radiate that inner joy.

Be kind to yourself - you deserve it!

Big hug

Green Tarax

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hey JD

I got a thought, is your art work still good? I'm thinking that if your art is still good or could be with some practice that you should try to get in touch with Marvel or D.C. comics and see if a job with them is still posible. It may take a little smooth talking but a career in comic/animation would probably be good, especially if you enjoy it.

Then perhaps you could see if a couple of your friends could front you some money for expences until your first couple of paychecks when you get the job at either one of those companies. You never know perhaps Marvel or D.C. will give you an advance on your pay when you start.

I know I'm being quite optimist, but hey you have to be to get any place in this world these days. I think you should give it a shot and act like you have been working with them for years, let your confidence show, what's the worst that could happen. Even if they don't have an opening right at the moument perhaps they could referr you to a company that does.

So what are you waiting for? Grab a pencil and paper and get practicing, and while you're at that call those companies.

You have absolutely nothing to loose by trying, but everything to gain.

LUV

Jean

[Guest JD_Divine]

Darling, while I truly do appreciate the guidance and advice, I am currently focused on my writing. I plan to also go back to school to persue a career in Clinical Psychology so as to open up an LGBTQ counseling center for south side Chicago. That and my writing are my true passions now.

The only thing I wanted to do with my art, in all honesty, was become a tattoo artist. Since that is like finding a needle in a porcupine stack, Im gonna just continue with the course ahead.

I do still draw from time to time but just small time junk and fluff. I do commissions pieces sometimes for tattoo concept art of course and plan to sell some to a studio if I get around to finding the time.

Most of my attention goes to my daughter when shes here, researching the support systems and resources for easing my transition and moderating a new group I started on facebook for Interfaith LGBTQ support in Chicago. Blah.

Thanks again for the ideas... perhaps in my past life...

~JD

[Guest Jean Davis]

I'm so glad that you're working at a goal, I thought that you may have fallen into one of those slumps that I and a lot of us get stuck in when we get a little depressed. I know how hard it is to crawl your way out of one of those slumps and sometimes a little pep talk makes all the difference in the world.

Anyways, I'm happy to see that you are keeping busy and working tword a goal.

Hope that all goes well for you.

LUV

Jean

[Guest JD_Divine]

Currently things are not going well for me aside from that issue... family stuff.

Dark thoughts tend to crop up when that woman claiming to be my mother descends upon me like a ravenous vulture...

Since I am unemployable at the moment AND have no way to and from a job even if I was employable, I am being made to do most of my mothers housework. While I can understand helping around the house and carrying my own weight, theres a difference between doing my laundry and doing my parent's dishes and cleaning up after my two 20something sisters. They're actually my adoptive parents, which is the real killer issue... the other 2 girls are their biological daughters and neither of them know how to even turn on the washing machine let alone DO their own laundry, which I was forced to do since I was 14 years old. In fact I was working full time in the summer for 2 years at that age, for my father at a hardware store. <Gets off soap box cuz it only gets worse>

Sigh... Too much and I can't just dump and unload ...

~JD

[Guest Jean Davis]

Aww honey

You sure can dump and unload, that's what we are here for. Right now you are not in a good place and probably need someone so don't worry about dumping on us too much. And if you feel that your problems are to complicated or personal for the open forum, please don't hesitate to PM me or one of the other Moderators. We would be happy to help or just be there to chat with.

BTW I'm going to be here for a while so if you want to talk for a bit I'll be happy to listen and help in any way I can.

LUV

Jean

[Guest JD_Divine]

Just a small adendum...

Was browsing the resource links on the main page of Laura's site... found the illinois info section and after some poking around I found 2 support groups tha are super close to me. One is strictly for FtM and meets twice per month. The first sunday is for just the individual FtMs themselves but the 3rd sunday of the month is for FtM plus their supporters and allys. The other meets twice per month also and is for all Transgender individuals and their supporters and allys.

I discussed it with a friend that lives 10 minutes away from the meet site... hes letting me crash at his place after the group meets so I can get the excitement out of my system and relax knowing I have support. Hes also letting me crash at his apartment the next day while hes at work and Im going to make him dinner while hes out. Nothing romantic (I identify as straight male) but a way to show my gratitude for his support in this. He said he'd go with me to the open meetings

Well... might be the start of healing for me

ANyone ever heard of the GIFT foundation for FtM support for ease of transition???

Well... I shall of course give updates and what-not... SO happy right now... Its nice to be hopeful.

Well, its bedtime for me. My daughter will be here in the morning and I think it will be a good week. After all, no matter how crappy things get here at home I've always got friends to turn to in the real world and this wonderful site when I needs it.

Hugs to all and thanks for everything <3

~JD