My Present Struggle

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Hi Guys and Girls,

I could use a little advice and wonder what you would do if you were in my situation. As I have said in other threads, my wife is very accepting of me. She always has been, although we had to kind of go in stages at first and had to make a lot of compromises. Such as at first I could only dress up a couple days a week and she didn't want me going out in public because she was afraid for me. Which is understandable. And slowly she has allowed me to be me more and more. Now it is to the point where she lets me dress whenever I want. On our recent trip to Las Vegas she allowed me to to be me and go out in public for 5 days straight and she seen just how liberating it was for me. And she told me when we get back home that I could go out as I pleased because she no longer cares what anyone thinks. Which was and still is sooo awesome. But here is were my struggle comes in.

All my immediate family and friends know I cd and struggle with GID. Most of my acquaintances around town don't, but that doesn't even bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I live in a very small town of only 700 people and in an apartment complex at that. Most of the people who live in these apartments are very young adults and there is a lot of small children here. There is also a lot of partiers here. I am afraid of the harassment that could very well happen with these young people and getting harassed by the one cop that serves this community who I hear is a jerk. He is new so I don't know him at all. Although I am unsure about the harassment, I am almost positive some of these rowdy young adults will do something to my car. I mean this is a farm town and the apartments are subsidized housing apartments. But I so long to live my life as the person I truly am. And that person is Katrina.

For the last few months I have really been struggling with this. I have always struggled with it and before I got married I was living most as a girl. And though I made compromises for my wife I also still struggled with it. But now the desire to live as Katrina is so strong that I am having a very hard time with it and my present living condition. We have put in a transfer for an apartment complex in a bigger town a few miles away and I wouldn't have a problem with going out as Katrina because where we put in for is settled with a lot stabler people who are a little older and not too a lot of small children. But we have been on the waiting list for over a year and a half. We are also thinking seriously about moving completely out of the area to a drier climate but that is a good year or more away. And I simply can't keep going on like this, the desire to be who I truly am on the inside is too strong.

So what would you do if you were in my situation? I would appreciate any answers or advice you could give...Huggsss...Katrina

[Guest ~Brenda~]

OK Katrina,

You have a lot going on. Let's break this down a bit shall we?

Dressing out in public can be risky (depending upon passability and other dynamics). You have to be smart and balance your expression with practicality and safety. Don't out yourself and your wife at risk needlessly.

Additionally, If you are not seeing a gender therapist, do so now. From what I can see, you are really ready to seriously begin transitioning. This requires seeing a gender therapist before you can begin HRT and ultimately SRS.

Think about what I have said.

Stay safe, and transition right.

Love

Brenda

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Katrina,

Brenda is right on getting to therapist, that should be high on your list.

But getting down to daily living, you said you've been to Vegas dressed en femme. And your state sign shows Illinois. You've got to be somewhat close to either Chicago or St. Louis. Plan day or weekend getaways to either place - Chicago would be my first choice, I think they have an active tg community and clubs to go to, but St. Louis might too.

When you're at home, try (if you aren't doing so already) doing the things your spouse does, but dressed en femme. Like cleaning, dishes, ironing. My mother taught me to iron my shirts as a teen and I still do it today, (it was my Demonstrative Speech in college speech class in 1966 and it got everyone's attention), and I don't mean in a Vegas outfit, I mean in slacks, blouse, light make-up, hair pulled back. Live the life to that detail besides anything else you and your spouse share. And your spouse might appreciate the extra help.

I can't help on apartment hunting, but I would suggest you really might want to start thinking about where else you might want to live, start looking for jobs there, and look for suitable housing. That alone can eat up lots of time - I know, that's what I'm doing.

Other than that, just plan on what your life will be like in 2-5 years, and understand that sometimes one has to cut back on some enjoyments now to get the greater ones later. It's difficult, I know, too, but sometimes it has to be.

And just be careful around your neighbors and authorities. You never know what might happen.

Good luck and keep us up!

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Mila]

Hi Katrina!

I think you should just be very careful for now. At least until you move to a better place, then hopefully it will be easier. Unless you feel that it is totally safe, I don't think you should risk it. I realise it might be hard to hold yourself back like that, especially since you were accepted by your wife and fmaily, but try not to do anything reckless.

I hope you will move to another place soon!

Mila

[Guest Katrina Reann]

OK Katrina,

You have a lot going on. Let's break this down a bit shall we?

Dressing out in public can be risky (depending upon passability and other dynamics). You have to be smart and balance your expression with practicality and safety. Don't out yourself and your wife at risk needlessly.

Additionally, If you are not seeing a gender therapist, do so now. From what I can see, you are really ready to seriously begin transitioning. This requires seeing a gender therapist before you can begin HRT and ultimately SRS.

Think about what I have said.

Stay safe, and transition right.

Love

Brenda

Brenda,

I have seen a therapist for 4 years straight. They (because I have had 3 different ones in those years because they moved on) weren't gender therapist though although it was the GID we were dealing with. And I have searched and called every counseling service in Peoria,IL and the surrounding area and cannot find one. The closet ones I can find are 3 hours away in Chicago or in southern IL which is also about 3 hours away. The Therapists I did have have all done a lot of research on transsexuality and one my first knew had dealt with it several times and knew a more about it. And this is one reason of several that we are seriously looking into moving to the Vegas area. It is just more accepting there and their are resources there. The therapists I did have warned me of the dangers but I have as I said I have lived full time as a woman the town where we have the transfer request at and I never had any problems at all other than a rude remark once in a while when someone realize I was a "male". I am very passable the majority of the time. And I don't take chances by going into unsafe areas..

Me and my have talked at great length about this HRT and SRS and that is why we agreed to take this slow when we got married. SRS is kind of out of the equation right now and would take a financial miracle because I am disabled from a severe back injury. I tried to keep working for a while but just can't be on my feet or sit in one place very long because of the pain it causes. And although I get decent money from the years I was able to work the HRT would eat up what we are able to put back for the most part. And even if we could afford it my wife is fine with the idea of it and HRT. You see at home I may not always have my make up on or my hair all fixed up but the rest of me is all girl. Silicone breasts during the day and clothes and at night foam breasts and a nightgown at night. And she loves my boobies at night because they are as she calls it her pillows . And because of her health problems sexual relations are not an issue. She also doesn't have a problem with it because when she was younger she was actively Bi sexual.

So I am not rushing into this. I have thought long and hard about this for many, many years. Me and my wife have talked about this since we got married and she has seen how miserable I am in our present situation. And now she has seen just how free and comfortable I am as Katrina in public and how passable I am. So we are past a lot a steps and are at a gender therapist step again so that I can at least get HRT. We realize we will have to move to area where those things are available but moving is at least a year away if not a little longer. But what do I do in the mean time? What would you do in the mean time if you were in situation? I am in a place in my life where I feel like I have been shut up behind bars for years and I was in that place before I got married and it sent me into the darkest most miserable place in my life. And after having had the taste of what it is like to be and feel free for over year before I got married, I now feel myself slowing slipping back into cell again and I know the only way out is to take that step and just start being me again. And though I am not the same person I was during my year of freedom and circumstances are a little different, both myself and my wife know what that step is. It is me who is a little scared of what the neighbors in this little small town will do. Not so much how they will react, I could care less what others think. Does that make sense? Do you understand where I am coming from now?

Thank You Brenda for your concern and I hope this helps clarifies my situation a little and where I am in the process. I really do appreciate your concern and advice. And I am all ears...Huggsss

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Hi Katrina,

Brenda is right on getting to therapist, that should be high on your list.

But getting down to daily living, you said you've been to Vegas dressed en femme. And your state sign shows Illinois. You've got to be somewhat close to either Chicago or St. Louis. Plan day or weekend getaways to either place - Chicago would be my first choice, I think they have an active tg community and clubs to go to, but St. Louis might too.

When you're at home, try (if you aren't doing so already) doing the things your spouse does, but dressed en femme. Like cleaning, dishes, ironing. My mother taught me to iron my shirts as a teen and I still do it today, (it was my Demonstrative Speech in college speech class in 1966 and it got everyone's attention), and I don't mean in a Vegas outfit, I mean in slacks, blouse, light make-up, hair pulled back. Live the life to that detail besides anything else you and your spouse share. And your spouse might appreciate the extra help.

I can't help on apartment hunting, but I would suggest you really might want to start thinking about where else you might want to live, start looking for jobs there, and look for suitable housing. That alone can eat up lots of time - I know, that's what I'm doing.

Other than that, just plan on what your life will be like in 2-5 years, and understand that sometimes one has to cut back on some enjoyments now to get the greater ones later. It's difficult, I know, too, but sometimes it has to be.

And just be careful around your neighbors and authorities. You never know what might happen.

Good luck and keep us up!

Hugs

Chloë

I already do everything around the house en femme. When we don't have to be anywhere Kat is here. Even when we go out Kat is there as I have many fem traits and I don't hide it from anyone. We already cut corners where we can financially that is how we were able to go to Vegas.

And I guess you hit the nail on the head by saying you never know what will happen and I guess that is what I am struggling with. I don't know how the cop and my present neighbors will do in this situation if I start going and coming full time en femme. And if this is the problem do I give into the fear or overcome the fear?

[Guest viv]

Hi Katrina,

Im amazed!!!my situation is pretty similar to yours **except for the wife**I live alone.

I rent an apartment from an organization who have accomodation all over Ireland . The complex

I live in is as yours , young families ,,working class and some may be unforgiving of me. So ,,I

intend to apply for a move and let my landlord know why through a letter from my gt ,,similar to

a carry letter. My rent is very reasonable and I would find it financially difficult to move away from

my present landlord. Katrina, if you dont mind coming out to your landlord/letter , you may get

priority treatment, worth a go ????best of luck ,,,,viv

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

Hopefully you shouldn't fall back into the same kind of pit of despair, you know you're accepted by your wife and that the change will happen eventually.

The only thing I can suggest is that you get in touch with some GBLT organisations and get some support behind you, in case neighbours do find out and start making problems.

Also can you speed up the moving process and by indicating a necessity such as this?

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Hi Katrina,

Im amazed!!!my situation is pretty similar to yours **except for the wife**I live alone.

I rent an apartment from an organization who have accomodation all over Ireland . The complex

I live in is as yours , young families ,,working class and some may be unforgiving of me. So ,,I

intend to apply for a move and let my landlord know why through a letter from my gt ,,similar to

a carry letter. My rent is very reasonable and I would find it financially difficult to move away from

my present landlord. Katrina, if you dont mind coming out to your landlord/letter , you may get

priority treatment, worth a go ????best of luck ,,,,viv

We do intend to let the landlord know when and if I decide to come out. I would rather they hear it from me than form all the gossipers around here. That is the bad thing about living in a small town, everyone knows everyone elses business. But I have a nose napper on my door for those with huge honkers...lol

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Hopefully you shouldn't fall back into the same kind of pit of despair, you know you're accepted by your wife and that the change will happen eventually.

The only thing I can suggest is that you get in touch with some GBLT organisations and get some support behind you, in case neighbours do find out and start making problems.

Also can you speed up the moving process and by indicating a necessity such as this?

I is Sam,

No I don't think I will fall back into it again but I can see the signs that it is affecting a little. I have much more support now than I did back then and there was a lot of other stressors with getting on SS, my health, and my dad passing away. But even if I can't get in to see a GT some place soon I may go back to my counselor for a short period of time. I have also thought about getting in touch with the local GBLT in Peoria. Now may be a good time to that. Thank you for the suggestion.

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I want to warn you Vegas dosen't mean more accepting.

Girls get killed there too just like everyone else. It's nice to choose a place where you would be more accepted if others found out but there you would probably be seen more as a man in crossdress than a the true woman you are.

Nothing personal.

I'm looking to move too, and how I'm trying to do it is just find anyways I'd want to live and then find an area that would be more open minded in that rough area. Maybe be a complete break from that whole geographic area would be nice?

Just don't keep Vegas for "open mindedness" cause I can tell you that's not the right word for it and you don't want to go there if you want to be respected as yourself.

Maybe find a great GT and move according to their location, or at least a location where there's a bunch to chose from.

Stay safe

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I came from a very small town too- smaller than yours.

Even if it was just a little town a bit aways from that one it might be worth it and hopefully you can still save up fr you big move later.

I'd get out (I had to get out) small towns aren't worth it when you weigh the two.

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I want to warn you Vegas dosen't mean more accepting.

Girls get killed there too just like everyone else. It's nice to choose a place where you would be more accepted if others found out but there you would probably be seen more as a man in crossdress than a the true woman you are.

Nothing personal.

I'm looking to move too, and how I'm trying to do it is just find anyways I'd want to live and then find an area that would be more open minded in that rough area. Maybe be a complete break from that whole geographic area would be nice?

Just don't keep Vegas for "open mindedness" cause I can tell you that's not the right word for it and you don't want to go there if you want to be respected as yourself.

Maybe find a great GT and move according to their location, or at least a location where there's a bunch to chose from.

Stay safe

I know there is no place that is 100 percent safe and I know Vegas has it's tragic crimes like any other city in America. MY GID issues and desire to live as a female are not the only reason we are wanting to move there. My wife's health is the highest priority. She fees better, is more active, and in less pain. And as I said she has lived there before and it just feels like home to both me and her. We have no desire to move to California or southern Arizona but we do want to live in a drier climate. And though it may not be in Vegas itself, our desire is to move to that area. So as I said, we have many reasons for wanting to move there. And though there are danger there it is much more accepting than many places. I know places like N.Y., Chicago, and other big cities are also more open to the TG/TS life style, but we simply don't have the desire to move to any of them.

We live in the midwest and it is way behind the curve of accepting our lifestyle. It is part of the bible belt and there is a lot more pointing fingers than many other places. And for scenery it is nothing but corn and soybean fields. I hate it here. And although I have lived most of my life here, I hate it here and it has never felt like home to me. The only reason I have stayed here or moved back here is because my family lives here. Now that I have been to a place that feels like home, have a wife whose desires I have to take into consideration, and we are in agreement the time has come for both of us to be happy.

I appreciate the warning but we already know there is always danger regardless of the life style anyone chooses to live. If I were to walk out my front door and cross the street to go to the gas station for a pack of Cigarettes a car could hit me and kill me. Does that fear or fact keep me from going? Of course not. And neither will the dangers of Vegas (or any place else) keep me from making a move to a place we choose to live. I don't mean to sound harsh in anyway, because that is not my intention. Las Vegas may not be the place for you to live and that is fine, but it is the home to many, and sooner or later it will be our home. ...Huggsss...Katrina

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I came from a very small town too- smaller than yours.

Even if it was just a little town a bit aways from that one it might be worth it and hopefully you can still save up fr you big move later.

I'd get out (I had to get out) small towns aren't worth it when you weigh the two.

I will agree with you on that. But it would be really hard on us to make 2 moves in the next few years. And even if we did move into the town a few miles away we still would not be happy. Why move from one jail cell to another when you can walk out the front door of the prison soon with a little good behavior. In others words why not just keep putting money back for the one move where we know we will be happy at and feel at home at?

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I hope I didn't offend you. I just get concerned about everyone here.

I don't want anyone to think of you as a dragqueen or worse that's all.

Please be careful and safe first, last and always.

[Guest Katrina Reann]

I hope I didn't offend you. I just get concerned about everyone here.

I don't want anyone to think of you as a dragqueen or worse that's all.

Please be careful and safe first, last and always.

Chalen,

No you didn't offend me at all. And I am glad the you and everyone care so much for all of us. I am 47 yrs old and I don't dress like a cheerleader or a drag queen, I dress to blend in and my wife has helped do just that. And I try to be as smart about going out as I can be. Meaning I try not to go into shady places or dark alleys. Caution is always best.

[Guest Chandra]

Dear Katrina,

Your story sounds quite complex. Let start with your location.

If mind and body are united as one, you are unstoppable. location matters not, no matter where you run to if the real Katrina

is not 100% present all of the time, you might have some trouble. Your passability confidence must be helped by drawing from deep within you where you know you are female. Use your inner strength to project it. Some closed mined ones will never accept you, let their negitiveness bounce off of you, never allow it to penatrate into you.

Most people will deal with you by how you deal with them, not what type of clothing you have on. If you project that you are a nice kind honest girl, talking and smiling alot it will help you much.

I live outside a very small town of about 150 people, and have been dipping my toe in, so to speak. And am finding out that the people that have known and liked me, still like me as a girl because I am the same person I have always been. If anything I feel better as a female and this is noticeable. My destiny is one like yours but I am just starting out, you have been doing this for many years and have far more courage than me.

Dear Katrina, you and I have lived most of our life, if we choose to live female in our remaining years, who's choice is it.

Your darn right, it is our choice and no one elese's, let stick together to support and help each other. Once we put our mind to it we are unstopable. Plus we have our family at Laura's to help us.

Best Wishes Love Chandra