Anxiety, Stress And Severe Abdominal Pains... Fun Times

[Guest JD_Divine]

I just don't know how to hold it together... everything is spinning wildly out of control and I am struggling to keep the itty bitty pieces of my sanity in line and in some semblance of order... feels like Im being torn apart by savage beasts.

Tonight I fixed the front of my hair the best I could (Never try to cut hair with lil' kid scissors...) and it ended up looking alright. I plan to get the back recut to make it shorter as when I style it up to the 'hawk its purposely cut to BE it ends up looking like I got licked by a cow. Well, my mother walked into the bathroom as I was cleaning up the annoying lil pieces of hair strewn about the counter and of course she felt it was necessary to fight with me.

"What in BLEEP are you doing?" she exclaimed in a rather shocked and angry tone.

"Fixing my hair. My collic looks awful so I had to cut it shorter." I said, in a forced calm voice. VERY forced.

"Why would you do that? You need to let it grow OUT, get LONGER, that looks so... Dykey. It looks like a MANS haircut and you don't look at all cute that way. I don't know why you got it cut that way... I thought you were growing it back out?"

"Well, actually, I happen to plan to get it recut soon to get the top back shorter." I said through gritted teeth.

At this point I was trying not to scream and cry and thrash wildly about like an upside down lawn mower.

"It looks ... You look like a BOY." she stammered angrily...

to which I replied, with a VERY forced smile, "I know."

"You mean you WANT to look like a... BOY?!?!?"

I just walked past her without another word fuming silently within myself.

What I wouldn't give to just scream at the top of my lungs "I AM YOUR SON" but ...

there would be consequences. BAD consequences. Homelessness AGAIN except this time they would completely disown me. Been in and out of shelters for the last 2 years and the last time I had a knife pulled on me by someone I knew that tried to pull me to an alley to rape me. Kicked him in the groin and ran.

I have nowhere else to run to, to turn to to rip me from this hell. This toxic environment is killing me. Literally.

I have Herpes and HPV as well as epilepsy. Alone, those conditions would merely be annoyances. Well, the STDs would. But together plus a severe anxiety disorder are all one messy and vicious cycle of suffering. My neurologist was in tears when I put it all out on the table and told me that if I don't somehow escape this hellish nightmare of a house I will most likely have a fatal seizure or possibly stroke out. I am only 26 years old.

My "parents" have mentally and physically beaten me to a pulp since I was in diapers. I am not their biological child, having been adopted at birth... all because "Our friends were all having kids and we couldn't and ended up losing some friends because we didn't have that common denominator. But after we adopted you and had 2 of our own... well..."

They even scream and cuss at me in front of my 3 year old daughter. Tell her "Mommy is a disgusting lesbian that kisses girls. Shes ugly and stupid and the worst thing thats ever happened to you." or try to teach her bad words because "It sounds really funny when she says n_____"... then I get yelled at when I tell them to stop. THEN they say Im a bad mom for just about everything. For givng her a PB&J sammich and chocolate soy milk and then a hoho for brunch today. There really is only so much a person can take before breaking...

I am tired of being sick, of faking being alright, of hiding myself for who I really am just to stay in this hell, of being cornered by my mother in tight places so I cannot escape her screaming at me. My 21 year old "sister" still has mommy do her laundry and wouldn't know how to even turn the washing machine on to save her soul. I clean up after both my parents when they eat, I get no help with my daughter ("A mom should never need help taking care of their child and if you say its because you are sick then you should have aborted her") ... I can't get a job because I lack any transportation since I cannot drive due to my epilepsy... and yet Im supposed to magically find one or Im going to be given more chore duties because "We let you shower and eat so you have to do stuff to help out, because this family helps each other"... Then of coure mom threatens to lock me off the computer for good if I don't get medicaid health insurance. The internet is my only saving grace while I am here. I lack support otherwise. My phone never rings, my friends are always too busy or live too far to pick me up to go for coffee... AHHHHHHHHHHH.

If it werent for my need to give my daughter stability in terms of a roof over her head I'd leave. Take my savings and hitch to wherever I could go. I'd leave tonight, never look back... I don't even have a therapist yet, am just starting to make plans to attend free support groups next month for FtM and Transgender outreach groups. I have no outlet and no feedback telling me that my thoughts are not crazy except this board. My friends say they support me and are there for me but its always just in spirit because they're never available. I only have my daughter a few days per week and that leaves me with days of just... sitting and thinking. Thats never good. I can't stop running it over and over again through my mind. If it weren't for my daughter, I might not even be alive today. That terrifies me to no end...

I suppose I might as well face facts. Im trapped. In this house, in this skin, in my head... I had thought I might start HRT this year... Ive got the resources. I planned to see how many months I could get with my savings but its not much at all. Now Im not sure its even possible. I don't know what to do now.

Ive written so much and I doubt anyone will actually read this far. Its 2am and my legs are going numb and I am so full up with caffiene that there is little hope for sleep. Im supposed to go to the DMV so I can get my DL since it got stolen a few months ago by an ex. Everthing is falling apart.

The random ramblings of a shattered soul are always so fractured and never whole...

~JD

[Guest Elizabeth K]

JD

Ive written so much and I doubt anyone will actually read this far.

Of course we read what you write!

We all get in those dark places. AND IT HURTS SO BAD! IT HURTS!

I want to be there with you and tell you I undestand! Can't. Your life is s**t in your mind right now - but you are your daughter's momma. You said that! I caught that you mentioned that little bit of color in your life.

No answers from me this morning - 6;47 - just outside of New Orleans. I am like you - as screwed up as we gender dysphoric can get sometimes... but I alway seem to make it. Donno - I don't like the alternative - being dead! So I work at trying to get something going in my life.

TAINT easy. But today is a good one for me - so far. I am not boxed into a corner like you seem to be somehow. I wish I could tell you how to get out? There is a way - probably several good ways, maybe you can figure out something? Gotta be a way...

But just remember this - its what I tell everyone I meet here, YOU ARE OKAY as what you are! It's your life - you will live it as you want to - not how someone else says you should! YOU need to live for you! Hell with everyone else!

Just some thoughts...

Elizabeth

[Guest Fwip]

JD -

You're dealing with a lot more right now than many people have to in their entire lives.

If I were you, I think I'd make moving out of that house my top goal, once it is feasible. I don't know how much you have saved up, but if you're able to secure a roof with the assistance of a part-time job and/or welfare(?) payments, I think that it would be a much healthier environment for your daughter.

Depending on where you live in Illinois, it will probably be possible to find a job and housing within at least bus distance of one another, if not walking or biking distance. Child care is expensive, but not insurmountable. I did a bit of googling, and found this page, the Illinois Child Care Assistance program, which can help to offset some of the costs.

You're in a tight spot, but it sounds like it's your living situation that's holding you back the most. If you can manage to move out with your daughter, I think it will be a lot easier to live your life.

~Fwippy

[Guest JD_Divine]

Fwip. HEres the sitch. I am terminally ill, can't drive, have $100 in savings thats for my daughter with no $ for myself.

All the places within walking distance Ive managed to work at in the last 10 years and will not hire me.

I have no $ for public and my folks refuse to help me.

Im going to die in this basement one way or another.

JD

[Guest JD_Divine]

Its clear I can't find the help I need because it doesn't exist. I give up.

~JD

[Guest Fwip]

Ouch, JD, that's a really unfortunate set of circumstances you've got to deal with. v_v I wish I knew some way to help you, but I'm only barely qualified to give advice and not in a position to offer anything more.

I don't have any words of encouragement I can give you, either, but I can promise you that things won't always be this bad. I don't have any solid reasons to back that up, but I know it is true.

Stay strong,

-Fwippy