Where Do I Go From Here?

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

I'm not really sure what my next course of action should be so any advice would be appreciated.

Here is what happened. Today I went to get my hair done for the first time ever going feminine. I went to Super Cuts (chain store, yeah yeah I know), and the girl who helped me was incredibly nice and understanding. She told me how to style it, that even though it was still too short to do anything with she would even it out a bit so that the sides would grow at the same pace as the back and kept my bangs long. In all honesty I was so nervous that my legs shook for a bit at first, mentally it's easy for me to overcome, but the body I have little control over. Anyways I went with my mother, since she had to go to the store and so did I, I gave her a ride.

My mother and my sister are the only two people in this world who's opinions matter to me enough that I hid who I was from them for almost 20 years. I have told both of them that I am transgendered, that I have known I was since I was 11 or 12 years old, and that I am starting to transition. They both say they accept it, but since they haven't had to actually face it I know that they are having difficulty with it and are giving me resistance on it as I slowly make the journey. It's one thing to say it, it's another to have to face it.

So After getting my hair done I decided it was time to start talking to my mother about the whole ordeal again. My thought is that the more I talk about it (when appropriate of course) the easier it will be for her to accept it. She started telling me that ever since I was little I never could find my niche in life. I never really belonged anywhere and I was always searching and trying new things. I told her it wasn't something new, when I was 13 I would tell my best friend in the world (still consider her that even today) almost every day that I knew I wasn't supposed to be a boy and that when I grew up I would get a sex change operation. It helped that she was an out of the closet lesbian when she was 12. I told my mother that this is something broken with me and it needed to be fixed. She said that sex was shallow and I shouldn't do it for just that. When she said that I realized that she thinks this whole thing is a sexual fetish. I tried to explain to her that this has nothing to do with sex. That this isn't about being turned on or getting off, that this was her daughter stuck in the body of her son and trying to fix it. She just laughed and changed the subject. Later on she said she hopes I don't start dressing like a girl and if I do I need to move somewhere that no one knows me and start a new life. I told her that it will happen, and that she can either accept it or I can move and never come home again. My brother died 2 years ago, if she lost another child I don't think she would be able to handle life anymore, so me moving and never seeing her again felt to me like I was threatening her which was not my intention. She said it would hurt her even more if I moved away than if I started dressing like a woman.

Even though she says she accepts me and is ok with it, I know she's not. I look at it as me fixing what is broken with me. Dressing as who I really am, not just dressing as a woman. I told her that this isn't to make me happy, that by fixing myself I face hatred, and violence towards myself. It is something that just has to be done, it's like taking meds for depression, or fixing a cleft pallet so that someone could lead a semi-normal life.

So how do I fix this? Can it be fixed? Even though my mother and sister say they accept me, I see that they still have a problem with it. They are the only family I have and care about and I can't lose them. We are a close family and I don't think that I would lose them, but I'm still worried. So any advice on what to say? What to do? To help them really accept it and not just say they do? To make them understand this has nothing to do with sex and that the very notion that it does disturbs me? I'm afraid of pushing this too fast, not for my sake but for theirs. Today it was the hair. Soon it will be the shoes (pink laces and such like Astro_Liz has in her pics, incredibly cute and I want some). Then the clothing. Eventually LHR, make-up (never been a fan but if I need it to pass I will use it, hopefully won't need much). If I am getting resistance with the hair, I can't even imagine when it starts coming to the clothes. So I know a lot of you have had experience with resistance from those in your lives that mattered more than life itself, what advice can you give to help me to help my family through my transition?

Lastly I just want to say that I was advised not to get my hair done at a chain store from many members on this site, but I was impatient and so did it anyway. I know it could have turned out very bad, but I got lucky. The girl that did my hair was incredibly nice and helpful. She even gave me a student discount, even though I haven't officially started back up in college (cross your fingers for me for the pell grant). So I got lucky, but I just want you all to know that I did listen to your advice, even if my impulses won out over my judgment in the end.

[Guest sarah f]

Congrats on not getting butchered at super cuts. If you feel comfortable with the lady that did your hair than you just might have found your new hair stylist. Hopefully you remembered her name and can call ahead to she if she is there next time.

Now to your mom and sister. After much advise from many loving members on this site for my own problems, I would say just give them time and continue to go at your own pace. After a while your mom will understand that this is not a niche and something that you plan on finishing. If you are seeing a therapist, maybe you can get her to see your therapist with you. Maybe suggest she get on this site to learn a little more about what you are going through. We all will try to explain to her that it is not a choice but something that we have to do to make ourselves whole.

I hope this helps and good luck. Also good luck with school.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest DeniseNM]

Katrina I would have to agree with sarah on this, just give your mother and sister some time while at the same time trying to help them understand what you are going through. Sarah has great suggestions in having them talk to your therapist (if you are seeing one) and having them come on here. Just remember that most people don't understand transgenderism/transsexualism at all because they have never had to deal with it. It isn't about sex even though that word is part of the larger word of transsexualism. Just give them time and be careful about throwing out ultimatums.

Denise

[Guest Amanda joan]

Miss Katrina,

Hello, You have received some good advice. I would like to suggest that you change how you talk about this with them. You have a Gender issue not a Sex issue. You wish to correct your gender so you can feel right in your body. I have suggested this book before but, Gender Outlaw by Kate Bornstein is a good read on explaining how it feels to be transwoman. Another thing you need to take into account is that your Mom now stands to loss both of her Son's. While you can not help this, she does deserve your respect in how hard that is going to be. She is going to morn that loss and there is nothing you can do about that. I would also expose her to pictures of you dressed as a woman before she sees you that way face to face. My Mom suprised me when I did this and said something nice about the picture and I could see something about her change in that moment. I would suggest that you work on your look with a friend and take your time to find a good look with clothes and make up. When you feel like you have a good picture present it to her and ask her what she thinks about you in the outfit. You don't have to give it to her but, if she wants it give it to her. Some people will feel like you are jamming "this" down people throughts. This is natural, it is of course that you are messing with their ability to be in denial. It's a hard balance I don't know how to measure that one. I went crazy for a few weeks talking to everyone I knew about it and then I started hearing that I was jamming "IT' down peoples throughts. So I stopped and now I go out of my way not to talk about it with those people and some have started to come to me and ask about it. I use the same strategy as when you start the conversation with young kids about sex. Answer the question in as little detail as possible and then wait for the next question.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

Thank you all for the advice.

My sister I avoid talking to about it right now. I have heard comments from her in the last month that include "Gay people creep me out", I'm bi and out. Also my 5 year old nephew has said on a few occasions that he will be a girl when he grows up. At 5 I don't think he understands what he is saying really, but I could be wrong, my sister says "No, boys can't grow up to be women". She also throws a fit when ever my nephew wants his nails painted, I have 2 nieces and he likes to copy them. So my sister I am working on the soft approach and keeping my mouth shut, letting her notice each change I make.

As for a therapist, I checked the list on the site for gender therapists in Michigan, and unfortunately most are out near Detroit where I am on the opposite side of the state. There was one listed about 50 miles from me, and a few more in Chicago which is under 100 miles, but none within a 30 minute or less drive. I am looking into normal psychiatrists and hoping a few have some experience near me. My hurdle is that I am a minimum wage drone, uninsured. I tried to apply for state medical aid (medicaid) and was turned down because I am over 19, have no children, and not a felon. It's going to be rough finding someone.

[Guest casper]

Hi Katrina,

<<hug>>

An experienced gender therapist can be difficult to find.

Depending on what you want to get from therapy, a licensed professional councilor, or LPC might do just as well. A licensed clinical social worker LCSW might also be able to help you.

Both of these usually have Masters Degrees in Psychology, and can write letters of recommendation for initiating HRT as per the Standards of Care.

They can also write one of the two letters that are required for SRS in most country's.

LPC's and LCSW's are usually about half the price of a Psychiatrist or Psychologist, and are usually a lot easier to find.

Look in the yellow pages under counseling.

vanna

[Guest yvonne]

Wow, you've had outstanding advice so far, but that's never stopped me before....

I'm going through this with my wife right now. I liken this to climbing a mountain. Sometimes you climb hard, reach a plateau and then have to rest a while.

This means that it takes time for them to adjust and you must give them time and just let things sink in a while. After some hard education it will take time for them to digest it.

I think one of the best things is to lead by example. Show them how much nicer you are, how much more calm you are, how much better you can concentrate now and so on. In short, show them the happiness you're feeling. Showing over time is very powerful and the most effective means of communication there is.

I'm working hard on being the sweetest person my wife has ever seen, every hour of every day.

Some people can react very strongly to this, it can really punch a button.

In my case, I've sold the fact that this is a medical condition, not a mental condition and certainly NOT a sex fetish. The feminine expressions I've shown have been in good taste, not like cheap thrills or outrageous (at least to me).

Its as medical a condition as a broken arm and there is treatment for both. It's not logical to deny medical treatment to either one.

Hugs of support,

Yvonne