What Is Living A Lie?

[Guest ChloëC]

I responded in another thread here that I was upset with the phrase 'living a lie'. When it was used, it was apparently in reference to not telling one's spouse about one's personal desires (to whatever extent they may be). I have now seen it used again in reference to a person being somewhere on the gender dysphoria spectrum instead of the place (I guess) one is supposed to be. I take exception to both uses, and to the phrase in general.

First, I will repeat what I said about telling one's spouse -

Right now, I would like to take issue with the idea I've seen several places around here about 'living a lie' by not telling one's spouse about cross-dressing.

I live in Michigan and I'll tell you there's one rite that goes to the very heart of being a certain kind of Michigan person - you can see it in Jeff Daniel's almost biography, Escanaba in Da Moonlight. Which is about a family whose men are die-hard deer hunters and who go off to a cabin in the Yoop every deer season. Does anyone in his or her right mind think that anyone doing that immediately comes home and tells the spouse every last little detail of what went on? All the fa*ting, the belching, the crotch scratching, the falling down drinking, the card playing til all hours and oh, yeah, the maybe one hour a day of actually going outside and hoping a deer with a huge rack wanders into your unsighted scope? Does anyone think the spouse cares?

That's the most obnoxious example I can think of, but I know lots of men - and women - acquaintances who go off to Vegas, or wherever with their same sex friends for some time away. And almost to a letter, everyone comes home and tells the spouse the general gist of what went on, not the moment to moment details.

And the reason is, I believe, that in almost all these marriages, each spouse trusts the other that the other will not do anything that will cause problems or severe repercussions - getting thrown in jail, getting into physical danger, doing stupid things that WILL come back to cause your family future problems.

And that's part of what we face as cross-dressers. How much of what we do that harms no one, causes no problems to anyone, should be told. If we have that trust in each other, small things that do not affect our lives together, don't need to be told. I don't consider that living a lie. It's just part of my life that is nobody's elses.

In basic training in the military, we were given about a 6'" on a side, square area in the bottom drawer of our lockers that was for our personal stuff - that is, non-military. As long as it was neat and clean and no defined contraband, it was our private, civilian space for our own things that fit. Was that living a lie because the military couldn't see into that little area? It was the only shred of our personal lives we had for a few days, and the military respected our right to have it. How different is marriage from that kind of control?

My wife knows and I feel better, but my first wife didn't know, and I feel even better, because she would have, definitely, positively, completely, tried to ruin me to whatever extent possible if she knew. And would still be trying 35 years later. I know it, our son knows it, every one who knows about us, knows it.

Even in a marriage we are still individuals, and I have seen as my spouse has, that in those marriages where one has totally and completely yielded in all things to the other, that that most often is a sad, and tragic marriage. The 'Burning Bed' comes to mind here. We need to share, we need to have our own space. Only each person can determine what the correct mix is, hopefully in agreement with the other - tacit or in the open.

For the second use of that phrase, I take exception with anyone telling me that I'm lying. From what I've seen on this site about cross-dressers, a lot of us are at all different points along the gender dysphoria line (or lines) and while we may not be totally comfortable where we are, many of us have little or no intention of going the full transition route.

I don't (and I would hope others don't either) consider that living a lie. There are lots of reasons why we decide that a certain place is satisfactory, and for me, a lot of it has to do with the fact that for me to truly happy, I want (or need) others around me to be happy, too. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I do know I would be miserable in a totally different way, if I were to fully transition and my family disowned me. I couldn't live with that. Really, truly.

Is that 'living a lie'? It's living a life and making choices. Like a job, like finances, like marriage, like divorce, like having children, like moving. We have to decide what's best, which is not always what's happiest. Life hardly ever works that way, and when it does, it's like we're in some sort of heaven, but we're bounced out pretty quickly too, aren't we?

What I really am starting to take issue with, is that there are many wonderful people here on Laura's and I am learning so much by reading the posts, but, like it seems that in the world, there are a lot of 'straight' people that just don't get 'gays', and there are a lot of 'gays' that just don't get 'transgendered', there seem to be some transgendered fully transitioning people that just don't get those that decide not to fully transition. We are not living a lie, and I am beginning to resent seeing that phrase bandied about.

Calling someone a liar is not giving support, no matter how sugar coated it is. Sometimes, I know tough love is called for, and Lizzy is amazing in that respect, for example. But, I think we should really stop calling people liars, and try to see what they are going through and how we can help each other. And sometimes that means taking oneself out of our own convoluted, confused, and mixed-up lives and trying to see how other convoluted, confused, and mixed-up lives can be given positive help, whether straight-forward, considerate, tough love, or however.

We all have cares and concerns and feelings and all the things that make us transgendered besides being human. Let's get away from calling each other names. It's not fun, and it's not helpful, and it's not conducive.

Is there a better way? Sure!

Instead of saying 'living a lie', let's say something to effect - you have to decide about telling your spouse, but understand that not telling often leads to more problems because your spouse may eventually find out, and that may cause more pain than telling right now.

And - you have to be true to yourself. Sometimes it's hard, very hard, but like so many other decisions that we make in life, you'll be better off when you have decided and can start on that journey that you chose. And we'll be there every step of the way, if you want.

And, I'm certainly willing to take other suggestions.

Hugs to All

Chloë

[Sally]

Dear Chloë,

I understand how upsetting that phrase is to you and myself as well.

I DID NOT LIVE A LIE!

I honestly believed that true love would cure me - unfortunately for me, I never had the chance to find out because true love was not at the heart of my marriage - a fact that came to me latter when I discovered that her family meant so much more to her than I did but no one considered her to have been living a lie.

I found after a few years of a very turbulent marriage (I was not the one with the emotional problems - also kept secret until after the wedding - again she never lived a lie) that the need to be me was never going away it was getting stronger - I began to research transseuality and learned so much more about myself , I started to a therapist and then I cam e out to my wife, she was going to stay and all was OK until she talked to her sisters and then she was gone - they told her to leave and she did, I still feel sorry for her.

I did not live a lie, I wanted to be very sure that transitioning was the only way for me and once that was determined and confirmed by my therapist I told my now ex-wife, I might have stayed married a while longer if I had lived a lie but once knowing that I had to become the woman I had always known I was then I would be lying to her.

You are not living a lie while you are not sure yourself what is going on - and even after I don't know if it is a lie or a simple omission - and who has never done that.

Like the Jesus said, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone."

Isn't it a shame that passages like that are the first to be thumped out by the Bible Thumpers!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

COMPLICATED!

I always wrestled with this ' living a lie' thing - I could never get it straight in my head!

If I am supposed to be honest and truthful, (Bible says so - Sunday School says so) - then REALLY: I would tell everyone I was born in the wrong body and I am really female! (Although the body isn't looking much that way - but is under remodel now - whew - finally).

BUT. come on people! Any and every attempt to do that? Derision! I was not believed. It became apparent no one wanted to hear the truth, ever - as I saw it! (Starting age three).

And even 40 years later when I had a really good chance at acceptance (I thought - an accepting wife) WRONG! Rejection.

Society taught us to 'live a lie' - to be male when we were really female (MTF) or female when we were really male (FTM).

THEIR FAULT!

So when we doooooo get to the point we can no longer live as the wrong gender? Were we REALLY living a lie the whole time? DONNO

I think maybe we were just trying to be a good boy (or girl) and let everyone feel comfortable with us (even if we were dying inside).

Tooooooo accomidating! I still am in some ways - I was a weakling because I never believed in myself.

THAT'S CHANGED!

I suppose I could look at the old me - "I was living a lie?' Bull Hockey! I was living what everyone said I HAD TO BE!

It wasn't my 'lie' it was theirs...

But maybe they did not exactly 'lie'??? They just refused to listen to me.

I TOLE my momma I was a girl!

I loved her enough to not distress her so mucch - I mean, her reaction was terrifying to a three year old!

So I.... ummmmm.... lived a lie?

DONNO - kinda? Sorta... not really???

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood

How could I have been living a lie......

I never understood what was going on within myself.....

I was living a "confusion!"

Someone always has to be at blame.....

Donna Jean

[Guest CharlieRose]

For the second part at least, I think they might have been referring to someone who is transsexual and needs to transition in order to be happy and at peace with themselves but is not transitioning for a variety of reasons. I can see why you would get that mixed up, though.

As for crossdressing and spouses, well, sure if your spouse is uncomfortable with it you don't have to tell them all about it... But dressing up when they leave to go grocery shopping and then as soon as they come home, dashing to take everything off and get back into normal clothes 'cause you're terrified of what would happen if they knew you were a crossdresser, um, yeah, that's living a lie. When they ask, "What were you up to?" and you say, "Oh, I was just watching TV," you just *lied*. Maybe you consider it a white lie, or a lie that you were forced into; it's still a lie. You may feel horrible about it, but it's still technically lying. And I'm not condemning you for it. I've never been in your situation, so I'm not going to judge.

But I still feel like *not* living a lie is pretty much better than having to for whatever reasons. Society is changing. Lots of men are being more and more open about crossdressing; I know a few. And if they meet someone they'd want to spend the rest of their life with, their future spouse would know about it and it wouldn't be a big deal. They'd probably even like it! (I also know people who are attracted to crossdressers!) I don't think that casting people as "living a lie" is about condemning them for their "choice"; it's more about saying, "Hey, isn't being open so much better? We should encourage that, as much as we can, at least in the future!"

[Guest viv]

Hi Chloe,

If a person wants to keep private being CD from anyone then imo thats not living

a lie , end of story, no need to go any further . Being truthful to yourself is where its at.

viv

[Guest ChloëC]

Thank you all for your replies (well, so far at least)

CharlieRose, as I pointed out in the second part of my rant, I was talking about transgendered people who have not yet determined if transitioning fully is the best course for them. And for many it isn't. I have read several threads here where a particular post by the person either starting the thread or another offering their own situation has been referred to later as living a lie when it's rather obvious the initial poster is still unsure as to what to do with his or her life.

The transitioning or fully transitioned people on this site are a wonderful resource and extremely supportive, and from their own perspective they (as I understand it) understand the different points on their journey to starting hormone theraphy and planning on SRS, and see others someone where along what looks like a similar journey and remembering all too well their own feelings then and how now they can look back and wonder what too themselves so long, try to help others achieve their same results. Actually, there are lots of us that have no intention of progressing much further or will only go so far...and find a place we/they can live, not only with themselves but others they feel are important to their lives. And these people may be the familiar ones or new ones, who is to say.

As for the first part, I gave two very clear cut, personal, I lived it, examples, one where telling would have been absolutely the dumbest thing I could have ever done, and the other where telling has for 30 years been one the best things I have ever done.

I certainly, having been there for both, can't tell others which is right, or more importantly, if one was living a lie. I was and am fortunate in that both have worked so far. I can only offer my examples and some things I have learned, but I certainly wouldn't want others to follow exactly. We're all on, in a way, very solitary journeys, that only we can travel. Help in seeing future pitfalls, or extricating oneself from a current predicament are always, always welcomed. Just be careful in applying everything you might have learned to someone else's case. It may be vastly different.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

I agree with you about cross dressing but I've never heard anyone use that phrase for that. I've always heard it for transsexuals. I think it fits for that because I felt like I was living a lie. Every single thing I did all day, the way I looked, acted, people I pretended to be friends with and so on wasn't me at all. I never once would take up my own interests because the person I was pretending to be couldn't do those things. I would pretend to like people and things that I cared nothing for. If that isn't living a lie I don't think anything is.

Cross dressing though, it is only part time and if it is private really effects nobody else so I agree completely about that not being a lie. Everyone deserves some privacy and if you don't want to tell them then that is your business.

[Guest casper]

Hi Hi Everyone,

Forgive me for saying this, but I believe that you have it wrong.

You should never take exception to someone judging them self.

If anyone judges themselves to have lived a lie that is their right to do so. It is their life, and who better to judge that than them, and maybe God if you are a believer.

We are all different , and while you might not judge your own convictions to be a lie, some one else surly might judge their own to be.

I feel that I have lived a lie many times through out my life in many different scenarios.

Most of these were related to my sexuality.

Anyway I'm sorry to disagree.

vanna

[Guest ChloëC]

kaitlyn,

The problem I have is that there are many shades of transgendered people and some live in that place between cross-dressing and transsexuality. I think of myself as more of a cross-dresser then a transsexual (because that was a purposeful decision I made), but as my gallery shows, I take it to a far deeper level then many 'typical' cross-dressers.

There are people on this site who thought they were cross-dressers but upon further exploration decided they were transsexuals and are beginning or considering transition.

As far as I'm concerned, when you declare yourself a transsexual and begin the transition, you can call what you did prior to that anything you want. I just don't believe others should call what you were doing as living a lie, just as they shouldn't for cross-dressers. It's living a li-fe, not a li-e. Big difference.

But even then, I would never (after thinking about all of this for a long time) think of anyone else who is transgendered as living a lie. I believe we have an awful lot challenges presented to us, and sometimes, because of whatever situation we are in, we make a choice. It may not be the most pleasant one for us, but we still chose it. Maybe later we wish we hadn't. I wish I hadn't terrorized an older couple on my way home from school when I was about 10. Bad choice, but I wasn't a living a lie, even though I didn't tell my parents. I was 'caught' and formally apologized to that couple.

I made a choice at 22 and got married. From that choice, I have an absolutely wonderful son and two beautiful grandchildren who like me being with them. Was that a bad choice? Should I have tossed that possible scenario away and chosen to investigate my very limited understanding of what transition was in 1969? (let me tell you, the visible choices in that direction weren't pretty). I do think about it at times, and wonder.

I made a choice again after my divorce in 1975 and again in 1978 when I remarried and now have two darling daughters.

Both times (pre-age 22 and 1975)I looked into the limited availability of information about transsexuality and the other more visible possibilities - drag shows, transvestitism - and I would dress for a day or more at a time. Was I living a lie?

Until someone chooses to transition at whatever age, up until that point, as far as I'm concerned, they are not living any lie, they are dealing with hand they were dealt, to the best of their ability, and society's terrible attitude towards it, and I will offer whatever support I can, and give encouragement if I can, be honest when asked.

You know, I'd really a million dollars. That would make me very happy. I just don't think the bank I would have to rob would be happy about that, though, regardless of what I feel I should do to make myself happy. I would really like to not take out the garbage anymore. I've done that since I was 9, and I'm just tired of it. Not doing it anymore would make me very happy. Unfortunately, I can't, because that would make someone else very unhappy (to name one of the many possible feelings). So, like it or not, I choose (in a way) to take the garbage out. Wish it could be different.

I'd also like to be able to quit working (like that guy in 'Office Space') and yet be promoted because of it. Ain't gonna happen. So I make choices, and my life is bearable. Yet, I still dream sometimes of dressing full time for at least several days, and living that life. Dreams that overwhelm me at times in that 'pink fog' we posted about last fall.

We're many shades on this site, so instead of calling names in a subtle fashion, let's instead be positive and see what we can do to make the many people who are in need of some understanding, feel a little better about themselves.

Hugs

Chloë

(vanna, I hope I sort of answered your thoughts in the above. If I didn't, please let me know!)

[Guest Natalie Foster]

It's really not that complex. Living a lie is being X mentally and Living as Yphysically. Where X and Y represent male or female. It cannot get too much more simple than that. In essance, you are lying to yourself.

[Guest ChloëC]

Natalie,

You've gotten right to crux of my problem. You may feel and believe (and it may be true or not, I am not in any position to tell), for your own personal circumstances, that you were living a lie. But that can only be for you. For any number of other people, their circumstances, their feelings, their beliefs, and their actions may be (and probably are because each of us is unique) different. And who am I to judge another?

If you want to say about yourself, that you were living a lie, that's fine, that's your choice. I believe it's just a lot tougher to try to pin it on someone else that one barely knows and barely understands all their problems.

Also, I think that word, lie, is much too easily bandied about, because as much as we all try to work around that particular word in our supportive statements to others after we have used it, we're still saying, 'you're a liar'. There is no difference. And there are a lot of connotations with that word that aren't at all nice. So, basically, using that word is in effect calling someone else a name that isn't pleasant. I don't find that very supportive, especially on a supportive site.

On the web, some people have a difficult time using acceptable language. I'm not going to call them ignorant. Some tg people have a difficult time while learning to dress appropriately. There are a lot of words I could use that might describe that situation that to a lot of other people may appear to be accurate, but I'm not going to, because the visible situation may not at all match up with the actual reality behind it, and I cannot judge that person on the very slight information that is made available on the internet or on this site.

That's why, except to possibly describe one's own personal circumstances, I would like to see it dropped.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Natalie Foster]

Natalie, You've gotten right to crux of my problem. You may feel and believe (and it may be true or not, I am not in any position to tell), for your own personal circumstances, that you were living a lie. But that can only be for you. For any number of other people, their circumstances, their feelings, their beliefs, and their actions may be (and probably are because each of us is unique) different. And who am I to judge another?

So believing you are a woman and living as a man is being honest with yourself? A lie is simply dishonesty. Are you being honest to yourself and those around you by living as your fake self? No, your not. You may wish to try and justify this by whatever means make you feel better, but at the end of the day a lie is a lie.

If you want to say about yourself, that you were living a lie, that's fine, that's your choice. I believe it's just a lot tougher to try to pin it on someone else that one barely knows and barely understands all their problems. Also, I think that word, lie, is much too easily bandied about, because as much as we all try to work around that particular word in our supportive statements to others after we have used it, we're still saying, 'you're a liar'. There is no difference. And there are a lot of connotations with that word that aren't at all nice. So, basically, using that word is in effect calling someone else a name that isn't pleasant. I don't find that very supportive, especially on a supportive site.

You don't have to know someone intimately to make a logical conclusion based on common knowledge and common sense that is relevent to yours or any other transsexuals situation. If you are not honest with yourself, you are lying to yourself. A liar is a liar without regard to whom the lie is directed. If you lie to yourself or others your still a liar. If you lie and then someone calls you a liar, how can you possibly get upset for a person stating an obvious fact. Sounds childish to me. Being supportive is also telling people that which they do not want to hear. It makes me sick to see people just baby one another when that is the last thing they need. Honesty is a big deal and it should start with yourself.

On the web, some people have a difficult time using acceptable language. I'm not going to call them ignorant. Some tg people have a difficult time while learning to dress appropriately. There are a lot of words I could use that might describe that situation that to a lot of other people may appear to be accurate, but I'm not going to, because the visible situation may not at all match up with the actual reality behind it, and I cannot judge that person on the very slight information that is made available on the internet or on this site. That's why, except to possibly describe one's own personal circumstances, I would like to see it dropped. Hugs Chloë

Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. If someone lack knowledges, regardless of the situaiton or topic, then they are ignorant and if that offends them; that is their insecurity that needs to be addressed. There is no reason to sugar coat Gender Idenity or transsexualism. It isn't all fun and games for the fortunate or less fortunate people it strikes.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It's really not that complex. Living a lie is being X mentally and Living as Yphysically. Where X and Y represent male or female. It cannot get too much more simple than that. In essance, you are lying to yourself.

What about if you are just in denial?

Lizzy

[Guest Natalie Foster]

What about if you are just in denial? Lizzy

Your point? Your still being dishonest with yourself your just trying to justify it and make yourself feel better about said dishonesty. If people have a problem with the definition of a lie or dishonesty, write to dictionary companies and petition them to change it. If it offends you to be told that you were living a lie, do something to change it. The only person holding you back is yourself and the lies one tells oneself.

[Sally]

It is even more simple than that - Everyone on this miserable planet is lying to everyone else all of the time.

When you say good morning to a stranger do you really care whether it is a good morning or not?

When they ask how are you is the mandatory, just fine a lie or the truth?

We are governed by liars who write laws filled with half truths and no way to enforce we are robbed on a daily basis by those who need to be rich and we are enslaved to pay for the overpriced things that we want or need and still we are polite to our bosses - isn't that living a lie?

Why should we be singled out as the only ones living a lie in this cesspool?

Tired of being held to higher standards for all too long of a lifetime.

Sally

[Guest Natalie Foster]

It is even more simple than that - Everyone on this miserable planet is lying to everyone else all of the time. When you say good morning to a stranger do you really care whether it is a good morning or not?

That all depends some people do some people don't.

When they ask how are you is the mandatory, just fine a lie or the truth?

I tell people just how I feel. It doesn't change the fact that I have lied and lied many times in my life. Am I a liar? I sure am. That does not change the fact that it is my choice to lie and I choose not to anymore no matter what the outcome is. Everyone else would be good to do the same.

We are governed by liars who write laws filled with half truths and no way to enforce we are robbed on a daily basis by those who need to be rich and we are enslaved to pay for the overpriced things that we want or need and still we are polite to our bosses - isn't that living a lie?

Why should we be singled out as the only ones living a lie in this cesspool?

Tired of being held to higher standards for all too long of a lifetime.

Sally

It doesn't change the fact that we are singled out more and that we do lie to ourselves in negative ways. Only you can change your life and decide if your going to be honest or be a liar. Try pure honesty sometime. Most people wont because they are too afraid of hurting someone elses feelings or saying things that are not politically correct or morally acceptable or whatever reason.

Seriously, for the next 30 days, do not lie about anything under any circumstances to anyone that asks you anything. If a cashier asks you how are you tell them pretty crappy if your having a bad day and so on.

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Honestly I've never even thought to tell anyone else that they were living a lie, it's just a way for me to describe how I was living before. I just never think to judge people like that. I spend so much time judging myself I don't have time for others unless they are seriously affecting my well being or someone that I care about. Everyone's situation is different, some people might be living a lie while others hide a part of who they are. I guess it could still be called dishonest for not being open, but in this world sometimes you have to hide things and lie to get by, so I wouldn't judge them. In the end they're just hurting themselves.

[Guest ChloëC]

ooh! We really do live a tough life. Being told by non-tg people that we're all sorts different types of weird (and much worse names, many of which would be bleeped if I posted them), and being told by other tg people that we're liars. No wonder we all almost go crazy at times.

Natalie, you seem to be fairly well adjusted to your current life and can look back on your previous life and feel and say you were living a lie. No one is going to tell you that you shouldn't. Neither will I. But your situation and your life are yours alone. It's not mine nor anyone else's. Because that's the way I feel, I personally find it very hard to see all the things in my past life and then use them to tell others where I not just think, but 'know' they're wrong.

I have no problem with any tg person looking at their past life and saying they were living a lie compared to where they are now.

I do have a problem with any tg person saying, I know my past life was a lie, I know I'm tg, I'm a reasonable, intelligent person who can understand things and I can clearly see what was wrong with my past and how good I feel now, therefore, it's obvious that every other tg person must have been living a lie, too, because it's so obvious to me, so if I get the chance I'll tell them, because they will also see that it's so obvious and they'll be better, too.

That line of reasoning quite easily breaks down at that first 'therefore'. What's obvious to you about yourself, just cannot be transferred to others. You don't know it. I don't know it. Nobody except the person living it knows it. No matter how much we want to believe that we know about that other person, we don't.

The other part of this I have a hard time understanding is how anyone can tell exactly where anyone else is in this tg spectrum. It's not a simple line with some specific point, that if you're one side, your a macho male or a feminine female, and the other side - whoops, you're tg and you'd better be into transitioning bigtime and aiming directly for HRT and SRS and bone shortening and adam's apple scraping, and you were obviously living a lie until you do.

It's a multi-dimensional spectrum, and we're all over the place. I'm not a cross-dresser in the classical (like yesterday) sense, and I'm not transsexual. And a lot of people here are trying to cope with exactly where they fit and what they want. Saying to any of them because you happen to be a transitioning transsexual that because you lived a lie, they/we all must living a lie is totally misunderstanding where others are. I don't exactly understand where I am. How can I possibly know exactly where others are. And how anyone can say with any kind of certainty that anyone else is living a lie is way beyond me.

[Guest Natalie Foster]

I am by no means fairly adjusted to my life. However, that would be a logical assumption on your part based on what? The relevent information you currently have regarding me. We can all infer based on various forms of relevent information we have aquired or our special knowldege of being a transsexual to conclude very rational and fairly certain assumptions about another person without having to know them intimately. Therefore, if someone claims to be a transsexual woman, it is logical to conclude (based on special knowledge, personal experiance, research and other data aquired during ones life) that they feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. Do I need to know that person(s) intimately to conclude such an assumption? If my assumption flawed or based on invalid or biased information?

[Guest ChloëC]

Ok, I'm going to try this one last time. And this will be the last, if any have questions or thoughts, feel free to PM me, anytime.

Back when I was about 10-12 and I was beyond wanting to be a policeman/fireman/whatever that young 'boys' are supposed to think about being, because of the kidding of others, I started seriously considering getting a law degree.

But by about 13, I realized what I really wanted to do (because this next was sort a budding hobby of mine), and that was become a meteorologist (weatherman, but in the 60's that had a totally different connotation). I subscribed to the govt. daily weather map, got a subscription to Weatherwise, obtained numerous publications from the govt., read lots of books from the library, bought my own books, installed a windvane/anemometer on my parent's house rooftop (that was exciting), had the typical thermometer, barometer, homemade hygrometer, nephoscope. Later I purchased a recording (drum based) barometer for a lot of money. I planned my high school classes and college ciriculum for a degree in science, read all the college catalogs that offered Meteorology degrees. Actually visited an airport weather station, and met Chicago's premier TV weatherman and watched his show live from the studio, and in highschool, attended advanced lectures at the University of Chicago. Pretty intense, huh.

Life got in the way and I dropped out of college after two years and enlisted in the Air Force hoping to get sent to Air Weather School. Missed it 'that much'. Really. Wound up in Communications Intelligence, but actually reading and analyzing Russian military weather broadcasts and formatting them for further analysis by the National Security Agency (and received several commendations). And I started taking college classes including Introduction to Meteorology at University of Alaska. Slightly different life, but still focused.

Got out, and enrolled in a real college that offered a real degree, impressed the majordomo professor of the department and was asked in my first semester there to help out in the student run college weather station.

Pretty impressive, huh.

And, it all came crashing down when I did my final paper for a class (from a research project we were all involved with), and even though my paper was read in class as exactly what they were looking for and how everyone else's was supposed to be, and I got the highest grade, I realized I had not done my very best, and it not could, but should have been so much more. I knew it. I was embarrassed as it was read, and not for reasons the grad assistant who read it, the professor of the class, or the other students imagined. I was embarrassed because I slacked off on doing it to the level it so easily could have been. And I realized if my heart wasn't really, truly in it now, when would it be.

I dropped out and eventually got my degree elsewhere in Math with CS minor and have been programming (and other related things) every since. And have a Master's degree in Business.

So, was my desire to become a lawyer, a lie? Naw, that was just kid stuff, uh, wasn't it? But I really, really tried for two years to focus on that, until I discovered what my true calling for a vocation should be. According to some people here, I was living a lie for those two years. I disagree, and understanding the time, the place, me, I think you all probably agree that it wasn't. We don't live a lie because we change what we want to do for a profession. We don't live a lie because we are what we believe we are at any moment. Look at the original 'Miracle on 34th Street'. Does it really matter if he was or wasn't Santa Claus? I am who I think I am. And my thinking may change because of new evidence.

Fooled you all, didn't I? You thought I would say that what happened with weather would be the point. And it is, just as much as wanting to be a lawyer. Neither time did I lie to myself. For the time, for who I was, for what I wanted, that's what I wanted.

None of any of that was a lie. It was really me, really my life, really what I wanted. What I really want now is to be able to dress occasionally and maybe for several days at a time, and maybe not be afraid to be in public. But, that all may change, and if it does, the future me will still be me, just with different desires, hopes, dreams, goals. No lie, just me, just life.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest]

Hi Chloe,

I feel sad to see this whole line of words. Lies and truth are waaaay too subjective to be fought over this way. People tell themselves lies all the time, and live in states of denial all of the time. "The Truth? You can't handle the truth!" Remember that movie line? When I look around, I find that most people can't handle the truth. On a daily basis I'm saddened when people convince themselves of things that aren't true. It makes me wonder what lies I'm living - no wonder I'm in therapy!

So, coming to a state of Truth is barely possible, unless you're Jesus or Buddha or someone. The stone-throwers are just people who are living the same muddled lives as the rest of us, mostly unaware of the lies they've told themselves along the way.

Obviously, I'm not in favor of anyone passing judgement upon others. We have to make our own way and find answers that work for ourselves. So, Chloe, I hope that you'll realize that you're doing the right thing for yourself, and that noone has a right to judge that.

Love, Kat

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

In community as big as this there are going to be opinions all over the map, some of us, myself included, believe that we lived in a lie before we came out and started transition; others dont believe they did and then there are those in the middle or those who are undecided. I don't see the point in arguing about it I think we are big enough to agree to disagree on this one.