Divorce, Trans, Kids

[Guest ~Brenda~]

This topic is really meant for those of us who are parents, are divorced, and are trans. All are welcome to comment, but I wanted to share something very positive with those of us in this situation, and are worried about how all of this will affect our kids.

My ex and I separated in 2001, divorced in 2003. During those years, I struggled with my gender identity and worried terribly about my children. Having felt like a failure and what is so wrong with me for many years, I feared that my kids would not come out of this unscathed.

When we got divorced, my kids were quite young, and impressionable still. My ex and I worked very hard to let our children know that we both loved them very much.

That work and love by both of us payed off.

Today, my eldest has passed her boards and has completed her doctorate in veterinary medicine from Tufts. She is now a real veterinarian . My son will be attending Harvard in the fall of this year to persue his doctorate in chemistry (he has already published papers in peer review journals in his field). My youngest daughter has been accepted to UCONN, UVA, and Duke. Princeton also looks promising for her (still waiting a decision, but she was called in for an interview ).

All of my kids know that I am transgendered. All of my kids survived divorce. All of my kids are still going forward in their lives and are extremely happy.

I just wanted to illustrate to those of you who are facing divorce or are recently divorced, and you are transgendered, and you have kids from the marriage, your kids can continue to thrive and be happy and lead fulfilling lives.

You are not destroying your kids lives, nor your life, if you end up divorced as a result of being transgendered.

Life can go on beautifully, for everyone.

I just wanted to share something very important and positive.

Love

Brenda

[Bulldog1948]

This topic is really meant for those of us who are parents, are divorced, and are trans. All are welcome to comment, but I wanted to share something very positive with those of us in this situation, and are worried about how all of this will affect our kids.

My ex and I separated in 2001, divorced in 2003. During those years, I struggled with my gender identity and worried terribly about my children. Having felt like a failure and what is so wrong with me for many years, I feared that my kids would not come out of this unscathed.

When we got divorced, my kids were quite young, and impressionable still. My ex and I worked very hard to let our children know that we both loved them very much.

That work and love by both of us payed off.

Today, my eldest has passed her boards and has completed her doctorate in veterinary medicine from Tufts. She is now a real veterinarian . My son will be attending Harvard in the fall of this year to persue his doctorate in chemistry (he has already published papers in peer review journals in his field). My youngest daughter has been accepted to UCONN, UVA, and Duke. Princeton also looks promising for her (still waiting a decision, but she was called in for an interview ).

All of my kids know that I am transgendered. All of my kids survived divorce. All of my kids are still going forward in their lives and are extremely happy.

I just wanted to illustrate to those of you who are facing divorce or are recently divorced, and you are transgendered, and you have kids from the marriage, your kids can continue to thrive and be happy and lead fulfilling lives.

You are not destroying your kids lives, nor your life, if you end up divorced as a result of being transgendered.

Life can go on beautifully, for everyone.

I just wanted to share something very important and positive.

Love

Brenda

Brenda,

Please allow me to be the first to congratulate you and also your ex in bringing up such fine kids. I am very impressed with their academic credentials. You have done an excellant job. To see the universities that they have graduated from and or are attending- wow, most parents can only dream of this.

I tip my hat to you,lady Brenda

Mike

[Guest sarah f]

Thank You Brenda for this post. I am always afraid of what might happen if me and my wife get divorced because of my situation. Your situation makes it seem like it will all work out if me and my wife don't stay together. I really appreciate the post.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Chandra]

Congratulations Dear Brenda,

You obviously did a wonderful job with your kids.

You are truly gifted in helping others, it does not surprise me that they have done so well.

Your children come from high quality stock, you should be beaming with proudness

They say the apple does'nt fall far from the tree

Love, Chandra

[Guest ricka]

Brenda--this is a wonderful story and it ought to be front-page news. You just made my day.

Hugs--Ricka

[Guest Amanda joan]

Brenda,

You deserve to be proud. Congratulations!

That sounds like you and your wife worked hard to produce wonderful people.

I had to share this with my X so that she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope that they all know how much you love them and that you will be able to be with them when they cellabrate their achievements.

It is wonderful when your kids make you proud. The joy that you receive is wonderful.

Good for you Brenda!!

Peace & Love Amanda

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Brenda, your pride in your children shows through. I know they are very proud of you, too.

Thanks for posting this, Brenda. It means a lot to all of us who have kids. It shows what is possible, and that good prevails.

You are a wonderful parent, and I am proud to call you my friend.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Brenda,

I had to share this with my X so that she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dearest Amanda

I had you in mind when I posted this topic. I am glad that you shared my post with your ex. I wanted to let you and everyone know that divorce does not have to be a catastophic event. Moreover, being trans is not an evil, destructive existence.

Recognizing that one is transgendered actually leads to far more harmonious relationships and peace that allows one to be far more productive.

I am glad that you had the opportunity to read this topic. I wanted you to know what was possible

Love

Brenda

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

I congratulate you on your good parenting, love and support of your kids Brenda, it does show. You must be very proud of them and of yourself for doing such a wonderful job of raising them. I am divorced and have a 15 year old son. Extremely bright kid....however he is failing high school and he only just started this year. Me and his mother just do not know what to do anymore. He just started seeing a therapist as wel as group therapy, hopefully this might help in some way? I have not come out to him for fear he will really go downhill and drop out of high school completely.

Suzie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I congratulate you on your good parenting, love and support of your kids Brenda, it does show. You must be very proud of them and of yourself for doing such a wonderful job of raising them. I am divorced and have a 15 year old son. Extremely bright kid....however he is failing high school and he only just started this year. Me and his mother just do not know what to do anymore. He just started seeing a therapist as wel as group therapy, hopefully this might help in some way? I have not come out to him for fear he will really go downhill and drop out of high school completely.

Suzie

Suzie,

I am sure that between you, your ex, your son, and the therapists you will get to the bottom of what is eating at your son. In the meantime, may I suggest that structure and review of his homework each night will help to improve his grades and his self-esteem. Teenager's easily can get into this cycle where they fail because they see themselves as failures. It becomes this viscious cycle, "I failed this test because I am a failure, I will fail this class because I am a failure". Obviously your son is not a failure.

One of the things that both my ex I did with our kids (when we were married and when we were divorced) is that we would be very aware of what their homework assignments were and would go over their work. If they were showing signs of struggling with a subject, we would gently do some extra work with them on the subject until they understood the subject matter. This was done in an authoritarian way. This was done in a manner of interest and care for our children.

Regardless of my divorce, my kids knew without a doubt that I and my ex were always there for them, and were there to back them up.

Your son will pull through this, and it is very wise that you hold back on coming out to him until he is older and more assure of himself.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Brenda, Sweetheart......

My wife and I never had children....by choice.

And if we had , they'd be grown and in their 30's by now...(whoa, that's weird...)

But, reading your posts really gives me a warm feeling. It shows that being Transgendered doesn't have to be a loveless and miserable life...That there are victories..

We can see our successes and the bright spots in life...

You are a very proud parent and you didn't just sit back and wait for it to happen....You MADE it happen!

LOVE AND HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest viv]

Hi Brenda,

You and your wife are obviously prime examples of good

and loving parents . I hope your wife is well. Your children have

blossomed and you must be beaming with parental pride . And

yes , your example shows happiness and success can be achieved -

you are proof of that . I know a lot of us here will find comfort in your

sharing. You are such a good and decent woman , I hope the best

of happiness to you , ROCK ON HUN ,luv,viv

[Guest ~Brenda~]

One of the things that both my ex I did with our kids (when we were married and when we were divorced) is that we would be very aware of what their homework assignments were and would go over their work. If they were showing signs of struggling with a subject, we would gently do some extra work with them on the subject until they understood the subject matter. This was done in an authoritarian way. This was done in a manner of interest and care for our children.

Correction, the passage in red should have read This was NOT done in an authoritarian way.

Sorry for the confusion,

Brenda

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Suzie,

I am sure that between you, your ex, your son, and the therapists you will get to the bottom of what is eating at your son. In the meantime, may I suggest that structure and review of his homework each night will help to improve his grades and his self-esteem. Teenager's easily can get into this cycle where they fail because they see themselves as failures. It becomes this viscious cycle, "I failed this test because I am a failure, I will fail this class because I am a failure". Obviously your son is not a failure.

One of the things that both my ex I did with our kids (when we were married and when we were divorced) is that we would be very aware of what their homework assignments were and would go over their work. If they were showing signs of struggling with a subject, we would gently do some extra work with them on the subject until they understood the subject matter. This was done in an authoritarian way. This was done in a manner of interest and care for our children.

Regardless of my divorce, my kids knew without a doubt that I and my ex were always there for them, and were there to back them up.

Your son will pull through this, and it is very wise that you hold back on coming out to him until he is older and more assure of himself.

Love

Brenda

Thank you Brenda for your wise insight and advice. I am not there all the time to make sure his homework is done, he is an hour away from where I live. I'm going to make the effort to be there more often though. New semester starts tommorrow for him.

Suzie