Hello

[Guest Candace78]

I joined this forum last night and, well, I figure I might as well introduce myself with a rather short autobiography (I noticed somebody else did something similar, and I thought it might be a good idea for me to do the same). I apologize if it jumps around a bit.

Hi, I'm an American and a Sophomore in High School. I've had problems with being male since, well, since my first social interactions with non-females. I, untill after fifth grade, would play with my sister and her toys. I cross-dressed for the first time at the age of two, back when I still lived in Indiana. We (my family and I) moved down to Florida when I was about 3. I always played with the girls in elementary school. I started considering myself a sort of 'tomgirl' (because it's 'tomboy' for girls) in the first grade. My dad (during the summer break of '02) said he wanted to make me 'cool'. So, he started trying to get me into sports other than the Tae Kwon Do I had started in second grade (I blame my enjoyment of martial arts, both armed and unarmed, on my ancestry). I didn't like hardly any sports, really. A few years prior, I had decided to give basketball a shot (no pun intended) because I'm technically a Hoosier. The league was a little too physical for me at that time, but I stayed in it to please my dad (Most of my early life focused on pleasing the authorities). So, anyways, a few months later (After earning my black belt), I began socer at my mom's request. It, to this day, is the one and only sport that truly enjoy (Not counting martial sports like archery and swordfighting). I remember when my sister was picking out her first bras that I had wanted one, too. I had my first major problems with bullying in the third grade, although I had had several, more isolated, incidents dating as early as Pre-K, where I fell asleep and the highschoolers started stomping on me (ugh). Times were great in fourth grade, though. At the end of fourth grade, I had the option of switching to Seagate elementary school. Not going was probably one of the WORST decisions I have ever made. Things got, like, REALLY bad in the fifth grade. I'm lucky to be alive after that year. On the bright side, it was also the first year that I realized the concept of a different internal sex from the external one. I also, that year, realised blatantly, for the first time, that I really wasn't at all a guy inside. I was not a tomgirl, as I'd previously thought, but a transsexual. I obbssesed with being a woman. Every single ne I passed made me want it more. My gender dysphoria peaked on vacation to Orlando in '05. One night there, I saw a bolt of lightning that was almost pink in colour. I took it as a symbol that God was finally going to turn me into a woman. Actually, I used to wake up every day back then disappointed due to the fact I was still male. At the time, I was obbsessed that I would find some magical way of instantly turning myself female. It's really about all I thought about apart from Botany (My main interest then), video games (my social crutch), and those thoughts of suicide as I left school in tears everyday. I admit, I did beat myelf (once!) back then. I took basically everything anyone said to me seriously in elementary school. I'd go into detail about why school had so depressed me, but, to be honest, those are memories I'd sooner forget.

My parents decided last minute to send me to a private middle school, where my only real friends, at first, were the social outcasts of the grade below me (they considered fifth grade middle school at that school). In this year, I finally managed to start ignoring other people's insults. After sixth grade, I went out of my way to cease doing ANYTHING feminine. I truly belived (Due to parents and social pressure) that I was just weird. I slowly merged with my age group, but it wasn't until eigth grade that I truly fit in. Eigth grade was one of the happiest years of my life. I literally was one of the most popular kids at that school, and for the FIRST TIME I was accepted, even if I was unable to enjoy certain things I used to love. I earned the nickname Gigantor for my strength. It's funny, though, because I was just a computer nerd with a sense of humour. At any rate, it's the only time in my life I ever felt truly accepted. Still, I felt something was missing. I, of course, by now was paranoid of doing anything that could be seen as feminine, period. Regardless, anytime I was by myself, I would dream of being female. In fact, I drempt of it all middle school, but in seventh and eigth grade it seemed like a hopeless fantasy. That belief I used to have of God turning me female was all but gone. I still dressed, and I probably dressed more in seventh grade than in the rest of middle school combined. Despite my social success, I longed all seventh and eigth grade for... something, as if something, a piece of me had been lost. I had forgotten what it was, but I knew it had something to do with something I was when I was in fifth grade. I also picked up my current passions (the medieval period and other languages) during middle school, though it was to the detriment of Botany. I also gained a couple interesting outlooks on life, then. In seventh (I call it my agnostic view), it was: "Well, there's no point in living, but there's no point in dying, either, so, might as well live." In eighth grade (I call it my questing view): Life's great right now, for some strange reason. But it's missing something... important." I started looking up porn in fifth grade, though always ONLY of women, hoping that simply looking at them would turn me into one. I confess, I even thrice looked it up at church. :/ I never masturbated (nor felt a need to), though, until the end of eighth grade, the act of which I did so because of peer pressure. It was bittersweet; I hated doing it because I saw it as an impurity and acceptance of the male gender, but I also noticed that it seemed to suppress that annoying sex drive for at least a little bit. Regardless, I have only masturbated via imagining myself as one of the women (I only look up lesbians when I do) in the videos, pictures, or stories, especially because the thought of me sticking my... in... ...it just seems so wrong... That might've been TMI. Sorry.

Freshman year in high school, I did football, due to peer pressure from (quite literally) everyone I knew. I was probably 3-4 times stronger than everyone else there when we started lifting. Anyways, I reclaimed my title of gigantor at this new school, and nobody messed with me AT ALL until season started, at which point my name changed to 'teddy bear' due to my lack of aggression. Plus, I just plain sucked at the sport. I forced myself to listen to stuff like SLAYER practically 24/7 to make myself more aggresive for football. It didn't work, but I did wake up in fits of sweating rage from time to time at night when I listened to it. It also made me hate practically everything, including my faith. Even when I had stopped listening to SLAYER, I had hated nearly every practice, except for the social aspect, as I did have a couple friends there (the ones who didn't act like jocks and weren't always talking about how they, well... yeah... Why are guys so obbssesed with having sex?). I also was really into the Goth thing freshman year, but I got over that halfway through the year. As the next year started, one of the coaches pressured me into playing next year. I finally got the guts (Thank, God!) to resign a few monthes thereafter. I was constantly bugged by the other football players for not playing, but eventually the older ones decided to just ignore me. I had also sustained a few injuries during the sport, including a ripped-off toenail, a messed up wrist, and a broken thumb. The wrist may be messed up permanently, which really hinders me in certain martial skills, like swordfighting. In freshman year, I had a few thoughts of cutting and a couple of suicide. But, in this year, I came up with yet another outlook on life (my optimist view): "Everytime I've ever contemplated giving up, things have always gotten better. Why give up now?" In such a way did I become immune to such idiotic thoughts of harm.

This year, my grades aren't quite what they used to be. I'm no longer an A student with a few Bs, but a B students with a few As. Strangely, my best grades are in my hardest classes. Anyways, my family and I went back up to Orlando this year. Whilst there, at night, walking the same path with my family that we had walked that fatefull day in '05, I looked up at the stars and suddenly, I remembered that pink flash of lightning that I had seen in fifth grade, and I knew that God had decided to answer my prayer. I spent the entire night that night on the internet on my phone, one word dominant in my head: Woman. That part that felt like it was missing all those years no longer felt... gone! It was great and the happiest I'd felt in years! We stayed a few more days and then for New Year's, and we got home on 1 Janurary, 2010. I had known I had an appointment with my doctor coming up that Tuesday, the fifth, so I, almost entirely on my phone, typed up a 9-page (single-spaced, 10pt font) persuasive letter to my paernts on things like how I've always wanted to be a girl. I gave it to my mom the day after we got back (I'm still amazed that I managed to force myself to show her!). She read it and threw a fit. I couldn't bear seeing her suffer, so I lied that it didn't mean anything. Two hours later she agreed to forget about, though she made fun of me for weeks afterwards. She also told dad, but at least she didn't give it to him to read. Whatever; I'd put them on notice. After that failure, I spent the next day researching estrogen and compiling an Excel sheet with every possible way for me to get my hands on a feminising quantity simply from spices and cosmetics. (Of course, the forum rules go against actually discussing what and how to get estrogen without a doctor, so respectfully, I shant expound upon that further. I also am NOT encouraging taking them. I've weighed all the risks and am doing what I feel is best for me) On the 03/01/10, I began self-HRT, per se. Tomorrow is the 1 month (31-day) anniverary of when I started (Luckily for me, I've drunk about a gallon of milk daily for the past 11 or 12 years of my life, so I already had higher levels of estrogen and progesterone than I otherwise would. No, you cannot feminise solely on milk). My WHR has gone from 0.94 to 0.86 (Mainly from fat redistribution, but also due to my widening pelvis), my skin is smoother and paler, a quality I've specifically wanted it to have since at least the second grade, I'm calmer, I feel happier, I can think more easily, I'm a bit more empathic, my breasts are basically Tanner III, my eyesight has improved miraculously (I'm assuming it's due to estrogen's effects on the lenses), and walking feels more comfortable (probably due to the wider pelvis), my face is less masculine, hair growth patterns have changed, several hairs have become vellum, and that annoying sex drive is no longer a problem! It's a miracle! I've also tried some postures and body languages that I had stopped doing in middle school for fear of having another 'fifth grade' social situation. They feel, surprisingly, more comfortable and natural than the male ones I'd been trying on. I'm also (successfully) getting rid of my paranoias of acting feminine.

In the future, I hope to move to Norway, either full or part-time. I'm also planning on becoming a College Professor of European Medieval History.

I think that was pretty short for an autobio, but it might have been a little long for an introductory post... I've doubtlessly left something important out...

Thanks for reading!

-Candace

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Candace

Wow, now that was an introduction!!! I feel like I have known you my whole life!!!

Now dearheart, I want you to relax and post to the various topics here on the forums. As you read the topics you some of them you will identify with and I encourage you to respond to them. When the spirit moves you, post a topic yourself.

I have to admit, I have never heard of milk being a source of estrogen. I will tell you that HRT is a very serious matter and should not be taken lightly. HRT requires medical professional involvement.

In time, you will get to know us better and we will get to know you better

Thank you for your biography

Love

Brenda

[Guest casper]

Hi Candace,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's Candace. Now that is an introduction. Like Brenda said, I feel like I know you as if we were friends for a very long time. Stick around and post your thoughts or questions and we will try to help out.

Love,

Sarah F